Am I the weirdest person in the world?


#1

Regarding dating and relationships my friends seem to think so.

I've never had a date through college. I never saw a guy I was attracted to(on campus anyway). I never had the urge to just go out with anyone here. In high school I thought I was in love with this gorgeous(he looked like young better looking John Stamos), intelligent, sweet guy who went away to college before me and lost touch. He's married now(which doesn't surprise me as he wasn't into casual dating), and I really am over him, but I never met a guy who sparked my interest like that at college. Anytime a guy would show interest I would simply say I had a boyfriend. Now my friends are trying to set me up with other people I could never be attracted to, and they say I'm weird that I can't find a date with my looks(I don't see myself as that attractive though.). I have to be honest that I finally came across someone I'm interested in, but he's my GI doctor, who's 34, single, and gorgeous. None of the guys at school or I would find in the dating scene have what I want.

Are my friends right? Am I unreasonable and destined for loneliness? What should I do. Is it wrong that I have a crush on my GI?


#2

I think it's great. Go tell your friends to mind their own biz. Better wait for mr. right than settle for mr. wrong.


#3

Not weird at all, Sam!

I was engaged to the most wonderful man in the world, my true soulmate, who passed away a year ago. I know that I could never love anyone like that again, and that no other man could ever love me the way he did.

So there’s no point in looking; dating anyone else would be settling.

Miz


#4

I don't know you, so it's hard for me (or anyone else on CAF) to give you a sure answer about your situation. But one point leaps out at me:

Anytime a guy would show interest I would simply say I had a boyfriend.

Don't lie. Lying is a sin, and sin thwarts many good things which God may be trying to put in our path, whether you realize it or not.

Truthfully, I would like to give further advice, but I'm just not familiar enough with you to be helpful. Maybe you're turning down great, attractive, worthy guys, in which case, yeah, there's cause for concern. But maybe you're turning down losers and heathens, in which case, no, you're right to wait.

There's nothing wrong with having a crush on your doctor, though. He is quite a bit older than you, which can make things difficult, but there have been successful marriages with much larger age gaps.


#5

Are your friends simply busy bodies who can't mind their own business? Are they jealous because you don't need a man to feel complete and they do? Or, did you say something to them to lead them to think that way?

I don't think you are weird to nto be interested in others. (however, don't try to date your doctor, he has ethics he can't break and if he does you know right away you have a bad guy). However, I do challenge you to look at yourself. Are you hard on men? Is that why you are not interested? Very often, when we are hard on others it is because we don't like ourselves. I am not saying which it is, I am simply suggesting praying to God to see the truth

CM


#6

[quote="SamTheNewfie, post:1, topic:213205"]
Regarding dating and relationships my friends seem to think so.

I've never had a date through college. I never saw a guy I was attracted to(on campus anyway). I never had the urge to just go out with anyone here. In high school I thought I was in love with this gorgeous(he looked like young better looking John Stamos), intelligent, sweet guy who went away to college before me and lost touch. He's married now(which doesn't surprise me as he wasn't into casual dating), and I really am over him, but I never met a guy who sparked my interest like that at college. Anytime a guy would show interest I would simply say I had a boyfriend. Now my friends are trying to set me up with other people I could never be attracted to, and they say I'm weird that I can't find a date with my looks(I don't see myself as that attractive though.). I have to be honest that I finally came across someone I'm interested in, but he's my GI doctor, who's 34, single, and gorgeous. None of the guys at school or I would find in the dating scene have what I want.

Are my friends right? Am I unreasonable and destined for loneliness? What should I do. Is it wrong that I have a crush on my GI?

[/quote]

No, you aren't wrong, but I am concerned because the only trait you mention admiring is one's looks. Do you ever pray about finding the right partner? Do you ever think of what qualities you would like to have in a spouse? Is the person mature, would he be a good provider, does he have good moral character, is he someone I really enjoy talking to/spending time with, is he Catholic, are we on the same page about the importance of our faith lives?

Physical attraction is certainly important, but there are lots of other things to factor when choosing a spouse.


#7

Hey! You are definitely not weird :D

I think I can relate. It's hard for me to be attracted to someone. And it definitely is not all about looks. I suppose it is a blessing, in some ways, that I am wired to find people with ugly souls unattractive. My secular friends think I am a mad man, because many (admittedly) good looking girls are after me, and I recognise that they are vey nice looking, but I don't find them attractive, because of what is in their hearts. So for me, yes its very hard to be attracted to someone. It's a blessing I would think.

Don't succumb to secular standards. Is it really that unbelievable that you would only be attracted to (i.e. want to make a "move") on someone who meets your standards? That doesn't mean more than it says, so don't everyone claim I am saying you need to reject people etc, all it means is I think you know what you want which is good. Secular dating and hooking up now is all about looks, and even more so just about what one person can get out of another, so often even looks goes out the window and you are left with people treating each other as sex toys and ego-pumps instead of humans.

My advice is not to lie like you have been doing. Just take it easy, and be thankful that you have a discerning eye.


#8

[quote="HCC, post:6, topic:213205"]
No, you aren't wrong, but I am concerned because the only trait you mention admiring is one's looks. Do you ever pray about finding the right partner? Do you ever think of what qualities you would like to have in a spouse? Is the person mature, would he be a good provider, does he have good moral character, is he someone I really enjoy talking to/spending time with, is he Catholic, are we on the same page about the importance of our faith lives?

Physical attraction is certainly important, but there are lots of other things to factor when choosing a spouse.

[/quote]

I said I admired intellience and kindness by the description of men I have had feelings for. The guy I said I liked now is a doctor, so I definitely value the ability to be a good provider. In fact, my problem with a lot of the guys at school is that they aren't going anywhere career wise. They would be content as long as they had enough money for beer.


#9

[quote="SamTheNewfie, post:8, topic:213205"]
I said I admired intellience and kindness by the description of men I have had feelings for. The guy I said I liked now is a doctor, so I definitely value the ability to be a good provider. In fact, my problem with a lot of the guys at school is that they aren't going anywhere career wise. They would be content as long as they had enough money for beer.

[/quote]

Hahah...sorry, I shouldn't laugh--Big 10 school per chance?


#10

The biggest lies we tell, are those we tell ourselves. Even worse, we tend to believe our own lies.

People who are always unable to form relationships usually have excuses. These excuses are generally nonsense.

It is not the imagined defects, of the men who the OP rejects, that make her dateless. It is her own mindset, which postulates that no man is good enough for her, save the now married,
" one who got away."

There are many silly women, who believe they are lonely spinsters because all men are worthless and no good. That is self deception of the highest order.

There are millions of fine young men and women, who are seeking a partner.

Any single person, who is constantly unable to secure a partner, must look at him or her self. It is not the fault of everyone else.


#11

I honestly am not attracted to guys my own age. The last time I liked someone my age was when I was in 7th or 8th grade. Since around the time I started high school, I've always been attracted to guys at least a few years older than myself (but not more than 7, to me 8+ years is too big of a gap). When I was in high school, well, many of the boys were annoying and I honestly didn't know what their problem was sometimes. Other guys were okay to nice, but not really my type when it comes to dating (not much in common other than the classes we shared). In college, the guys my own age looked like teenagers (ew) and they often acted immature like teenagers. They can be nice and good friends, but I'd never want to date any of them. I don't want someone who reminds me of my little [3-years-younger] brother.

Many guys my age (I'm 23 now) aren't really looking to get married, just casual dates/casual sex/baby mama/etc. but no marriage. I have Christian values and don't believe in that stuff. I would like a good Christian (preferably Catholic) husband and be able to live and raise our children in a good Christian home.

Maybe I'll meet someone someday, maybe not. I think too many girls/women are dating just to say they have a boyfriend, or because they feel like they always have to be with someone. But in reality, you don't always need to have someone. Being single can be good to help you "find yourself," figure out who you are without being "tied" to someone. When you're single, you are free to go wherever, do whatever--learn who YOU are--without worrying about pleasing someone else.

If you're meant to marry, it will happen. If it happens later in life (or you can't have kids for whatever reason), you can adopt. Otherwise, learn to be happy with yourself and have your own life. Stop worrying about what other people think. Just enjoy your life and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you. The only opinions .about you that really matter are your own and God's, because in the end, it will be you that faces God alone, not the friends/relatives facing Him for you.


#12

You're not weird if you aren't interested in the people presented to you. However, you should reflect on WHY almost NO BODY interests you. Are you discarding some guys outright because they don't look like you're ideal poster pin-up? Perhaps some one doesn't have a great job NOW but is quietly studying and working towards improving in the future. However, if you don't start getting to know people (and dating - even in a group is a way of getting to know people better), you won't be able to discover if the guy has many other qualities that you want in your life companion.

Take this reflection with you before the Blessed Sacrament - it's good to be selective and know what you want but you should also be careful of the standards that you use in choosing. Ask Jesus to help you identify the solution to this concern, to 1) send the person He wants for you into your life and 2) help you to RECOGNISE him when he arrives.

God bless you and be with you.


#13

[quote="SamTheNewfie, post:1, topic:213205"]
Regarding dating and relationships my friends seem to think so.

I've never had a date through college. I never saw a guy I was attracted to(on campus anyway). I never had the urge to just go out with anyone here. In high school I thought I was in love with this gorgeous(he looked like young better looking John Stamos), intelligent, sweet guy who went away to college before me and lost touch. He's married now(which doesn't surprise me as he wasn't into casual dating), and I really am over him, but I never met a guy who sparked my interest like that at college. Anytime a guy would show interest I would simply say I had a boyfriend. Now my friends are trying to set me up with other people I could never be attracted to, and they say I'm weird that I can't find a date with my looks(I don't see myself as that attractive though.). I have to be honest that I finally came across someone I'm interested in, but he's my GI doctor, who's 34, single, and gorgeous. None of the guys at school or I would find in the dating scene have what I want.

Are my friends right? Am I unreasonable and destined for loneliness? What should I do. Is it wrong that I have a crush on my GI?

[/quote]

I think you are just fine....you are not weird at all. Not everyone needs to fit into a certain mold or follow a specific path through life. Everyone is different and we all make different choices in life or have different experiences/preferences....it doesn't make one right and one wrong.

I personally never dated in high school cause I found the girls to be too immature and then in college I never met anyone who struck my interest where I would want to ask them out or I felt they weren't interested in me. But I was probably mistaken on that last part due to how oblivious I can be when it comes to determining whether a girl is interested in me. Anyway.... Just like you, I didn't date anyone. Even for several years after college I didn't either.

My friends who couldn't (and still can't) understand why I am single have tried to set me up with girls. I generally will agree to go on a date just so I can get out and meet new people. I figure it can't hurt, you never know when someone will surprise you, although none of the dates ever panned out into anything more than a friendship.

You aren't destined for lonliness....when the right guy comes along for you, you'll know it and then everything will make much more sense. Just make sure you get out and do things so you can meet people and enjoy life...before you know it, things will fall into place.


#14

I just said I do have feelings for my gastro doctor. The now married one rarely even crosses my mind.


#15

[quote="SamTheNewfie, post:14, topic:213205"]
I just said I do have feelings for my gastro doctor. The now married one rarely even crosses my mind.

[/quote]

I don't think your the weirdest person in the world :D I think (and because I only know you from your posts don't be upset if I am wrong) that the highschool, now married guy crosses your mind because your wondering if you can find "that" again, I don't get from you that its him that you want, but something about him, figure out what that is and don't date if you don't see it, but be careful sometimes "that" which we think we want isn't and you might be missing a great guy. And don't lie its not worth it :D


#16

[quote="SamTheNewfie, post:14, topic:213205"]
I just said I do have feelings for my gastro doctor. The now married one rarely even crosses my mind.

[/quote]

Let me reiterate what someone else said, you need to drop those feelings for your doctor. A doctor cannot and should not date his/her patients. As the other poster said, if he will date one of his patients, then you're not really looking at a stand up guy.

I don't think you're weird for not finding anyone to date. For wanting to date someone more mature, my husband is 9 years older than me and we're a perfect fit. We didn't get married until I was 27 so I don't think you should be worried. But, I'm with everyone else, lying is a bad idea (not to mention sinful).


#17

hmmmm...I think it might be important to look at why you don't seem to like boys your age. That they are not mature is a poor excuse, as you can find a mature male at any age, from 13 to 100, and besides, it is doubtful that every single male on the planet under the age of 30 is completely immature.

Also, try to find out why you like this 34 year old man. Is it because he can take care of you? That being the case, you might want to consider that guys at your age cannot take care of you nor are looking to get immediately married because the majority simply do not have the resources to do so (they may be in school, or paying off loans, or still live with their parents). If that is true it's still no reason to not date them. You just have to be patient while they find some footing financially.

However, if the reason is that you are simply not attracted to the guys that are available then you cannot be blamed. If your not attracted to anyone your not attracted to anyone. Plain and simple.


#18

[quote="TheQuestioner, post:17, topic:213205"]
Also, try to find out why you like this 34 year old man. Is it because he can take care of you?

[/quote]

That might have something to do with it.

Regarding doctors, they can always date former patients, and the speciality does matter. Dating someone who treated you for Acid Reflux is not looked at the same as dating your shrink or GYN.


#19

Regarding doctors, they can always date former patients, and the speciality does matter. Dating someone who treated you for Acid Reflux is not looked at the same as dating your shrink or GYN.

Longtime lurker, but as a doctor in training myself, I just had to comment on this. I don't know who told you that a doctors can "always date former patients", since no one has ever told me (or my colleagues) that. Now, if you're just discussing legalities, then in most states, the only type of doctor who is legally forbidden from dating former patients are psychiatrists. So, in that case, specialty does matter. But most doctors I know would never think of dating even former patients. That doesn't mean it never happens, of course, and I know of a doctor who did have that reputation, of using his position to get dates, and he was NOT looked at as a good doctor by his colleagues. In general, the concept is that even if a doctor is no longer treating the patient, there still exists a power differential, because the patient is used to looking at the doctor as someone who is in a position to care for them, help them, etc. So the relationship is inherently unequal.

Now some of this, I admit, is from self-protection, as there have been cases of patients getting into sexual relationships with doctors, having the relationship end badly, then suing the doctor, even if, say, the doctor only saw the person as a patient once for a 15 minute urgent visit in the ED, years before they started dating. Personally, I would never dream of pursuing a relationship with a former patient. Even without the threat of being sued down the line, I know I would always wonder if the person liked me for me, or from some weird transference reaction.

Now, I think this kind of sensitivity to a dating relationship being "unequal" is rather new, and it used to be much more socially acceptable for a doctor-patient relationship to turn into a dating one, especially since most doctors used to be men, and hence most of the relationships involved female patients, and traditionally, men and women were considered to be unequal anyway. Much like relationships between professors/teachers and students, these are pretty much universally frowned upon today, but I know a number of happily married older couples who met as teacher-student, all with the husband having been in the teacher role, and I recently read an obituary for a former professor in a alum magazine where it was specified that he was survived by his "wife and former student, Mrs. Professor". I actually had heard that rumor about the professor before, but it was still weird that the alum mag found the obit fit to print.

Now, if you're still reading, that doesn't mean it's "wrong" to have a crush on your doctor, this is very common actually, it's just that it would be wrong (IMHO) for your doctor to reciprocate. I would like you to ask yourself, and be honest, would you feel the same way about this guy if you'd met him at church, or through friends, or in some other setting, not in the doctor's office? If your answer is "no" or "not sure", that really is the reason dating the man would not be recommended. I also would wonder if your ideal man is someone who you'd see as superior to you in some way, whether because of intelligence, life experience, maturity, etc? I don't think that's exactly "wrong", either, indeed you could argue that the whole traditional expectation of "Biblical submission" encourages wives to look at husbands as superior in at least some aspects. But it might explain why you tend not to find most men attractive, if you're looking for a superior, not an equal.


#20

[quote="ToeInTheWater, post:19, topic:213205"]

Now, if you're still reading, that doesn't mean it's "wrong" to have a crush on your doctor, this is very common actually, it's just that it would be wrong (IMHO) for your doctor to reciprocate. I would like you to ask yourself, and be honest, would you feel the same way about this guy if you'd met him at church, or through friends, or in some other setting, not in the doctor's office? If your answer is "no" or "not sure", that really is the reason dating the man would not be recommended.

[/quote]

Would I be just as attracted to this man if he weren't MY doctor? Let's say we were set up or met at some night club? Yes. Would I be just as attracted to him if he weren't a doctor? I don't know. I do know I don't like him just because he's a doctor, as I certainly have met many I wouldn't even consider dating.


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