Am I too jealous of his ex? Please help


#1

Hi all

My boyfriend and I, both in our late 20s, starting courting a couple of months ago with a view to discerning whether we are being called to marry. We have agreed not to date anybody else. I posted recently in the Morality forum re keeping our relationship pure.

My boyfriend is very close to his ex-girlfriend. They dated for more than 4 years and broke up very amiably about a year ago.

My boyfriend continues to meet his ex once a week, just the 2 of them. They have dinner and then go along to their parish prayer group. They spend about 3 hours exclusive time together, apart from the time they spend with others at the prayer group. I am not invited along cos he feels it would be awkward having us both there together and also because it would be difficult for her. Plus, I live a bit away so I would be going out of my way to meet them.

My boyfriend has told me that he has no romantic feelings for his ex at all. He said that he has a very strong friendship with her due to the amount of time they were together as a couple. He has told me that I am the only person that he has romantic feelings for and that I should not feel worried about his friendship with his ex.

While I fully believe him about not having any romantic feelings for his ex, I really don’t like him meeting up with his ex on an exclusive basis so often. I asked him would he consider inviting some of the other members of the prayer group along to their dinner but he said that it wouldn’t be the same thing as they couldn’t talk properly in a group. My fear is that there is an ongoing emotional bond between them that is inappropriate. I would not mind them meeting up occasionally but this is more.

My first question is this - do you think that this is something I should really ask to be changed or is it something that I should just learn to get over?

My second question is this - i just found out that he is bringing his ex back to his family house in a weeks time to meet his family again. Obviously I’m not invited. I got quite a shock. Should this not stop when he starts courting somebody else?

Any advice gratefully received. Sorry for rambling!


#2

You stated that the two of you are dating exclusively…But he is not! Spending alone time with his ex is dating to me…I don’t think you are being overly Jealous. I would (If it were me) explain to my boyfriend the way that you feel about this time he is spending alone with another woman…

Possibly you should call off your “exclusive” situation…since you are the only one obeying the rules of exclusion…without anger or malice of course. He hasn’t done anything “wrong” per se…he is just not abiding by the exclusive rule…


#3

You are correct that there is an on-going emotional intimacy between the two of them that is inappropriate as the two of you attempt to build emotional intimacy and discern marriage.

He has to understand this. When he marries, he cannot and should not be emotionally intimate with anyone other than his wife. He should not be continuing this relationship and this emotional closeness.

If the things they talk about are “not appropriate” for a group prayer discussion, then it is at a level of intimacy not in keeping with people who are “just friends”.

One of the major issues with the “sexual revolution” is the idea that men and women can “just be friends” and have these emotionally filling relationships outside the marital bond. I completely disagree with this. Yes, my husband and I are best friends. But, we have that intimacy born of love and companionship. We do not seek out emotional connections with others of the opposite sex.

It is, in my eyes, emotional adultery.

I’m not talking about a couple of coworkers who go have lunch together, or people in a volunteer group putting in time on a project together. I’m talking about the type of thing your boyfriend is doing-- seeking out exclusive female companionship with someone at an intimate, “private” level.


#4

I think you have every right to feel as you do. If you are in an exclusive relationship then he shouldn’t be spending extended periods of time alone with any female friend/ex-girlfriend/etc. It definitely sounds like there is some kind of strong emotional/spiritual bond that exists between these two. He needs to realize that if he is serious about discerning marriage with you then he must be willing to give up close relationships with other non-family females. This doesn’t mean he can’t remain friends with other females- not at all- but the amount of time he is spending with her and the context that it is in seems very inappropriate to me.


#5

This is 100% unacceptable, and more than anything tells me that he is not, in fact, “over” this girl. He is perpetuating the emotional bond and closeness without any sufficient reason to do so.

Taking her home for the holidays??? Forget this guy-- he is NOWHERE near ready for the type of adult, emotionally stable relationship that you are. He is not anywhere near marriage material. He needs to grow up A LOT.


#6

Yes, its inappropriate. If there is nothing romantic going on there, there shouldn’t be any discomfort in having you around, and you certainly should not be excluded from events where he is with her with his family.


#7

This is right on :thumbsup:

A lot of young people innocently enough think that men and women can be friends…That is in-correct! Someone always developes feelings for the other that are more than “friendly”.


#8

[quote=1ke]This is 100% unacceptable, and more than anything tells me that he is not, in fact, “over” this girl. He is perpetuating the emotional bond and closeness without any sufficient reason to do so.

Taking her home for the holidays??? Forget this guy-- he is NOWHERE near ready for the type of adult, emotionally stable relationship that you are. He is not anywhere near marriage material. He needs to grow up A LOT.
[/quote]

Amen to that. Never even come close to considering marriage with anyone who will not be 110% faithful to you…

HOM


#9

[quote=1ke]This is 100% unacceptable, and more than anything tells me that he is not, in fact, “over” this girl. He is perpetuating the emotional bond and closeness without any sufficient reason to do so.

Taking her home for the holidays??? Forget this guy-- he is NOWHERE near ready for the type of adult, emotionally stable relationship that you are. He is not anywhere near marriage material. He needs to grow up A LOT.
[/quote]

Actually, it sounds like he is ready for marriage: to his ex-girlfriend! I think this man is using you to win his old girlfriend back. It’s like to people bidding on the same house, the value appears to go up. And one person wins, the other loses.

Do your boyfriend a favor. Tell him that you want some distance because you believe he should sort out his feelings about love, marriage, and the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Let him think about it until after the holidays. Tell him that you will call him after New Year’s for his answer. I know that this is a tough call, but really, you do sound “used,” in the nicest sense of the word, by a man who may not even be aware of what he is doing.

Better to break it off now rather than break off an engagement… or worse. You are worthy of a man that wants to spend every waking moment with you, only you.


#10

Honey, your feelings are valid. Plllleeeease re-evaluate the relationship that you have with him.


#11

His behavior is totally inappropriate.

If he doesn’t change his behavior in this instance simply to put you at ease, dump him in a heartbeat.
If he doesn’t understand where you’re coming from but is willing to stop just for you, seriously reconsider anyway. His behavior suggests a fundamental misunderstanding of relationships and courtship that he must work through before the two of you consider marriage.


#12

[quote=Lillith]You stated that the two of you are dating exclusively…But he is not! Spending alone time with his ex is dating to me…I don’t think you are being overly Jealous. I would (If it were me) explain to my boyfriend the way that you feel about this time he is spending alone with another woman…

Possibly you should call off your “exclusive” situation…since you are the only one obeying the rules of exclusion…without anger or malice of course. He hasn’t done anything “wrong” per se…he is just not abiding by the exclusive rule…
[/quote]

Boy do I agree with Lillith on her assessment of this…his idea of dating and your idea of dating are two different things. I think you are lucky to have found out about this now. Why? Because your communication is off and you may wish to spend time with someone who defines words the same way you define them.


#13

Wow, I totally missed the holiday thing the first time. If I were you, it would be OVER! That is completely unacceptable.


#14

I’d say get down on your knees and thank God that your eyes have been opened regarding this guy. Dump him TODAY and run FAST. There should be no second chances as anyone who would be so inconsiderate of your feelings is not good husband material. This guy is totally putting himself first. To say that you’ve been viewing him through rose colored glasses would be an understatement. GET OUT NOW!!!

“PRAISE TO GOD FOR MY REDEEMER”


#15

It makes you wonder what he is telling this other girl.


#16

[quote=1ke]This is 100% unacceptable, and more than anything tells me that he is not, in fact, “over” this girl. He is perpetuating the emotional bond and closeness without any sufficient reason to do so.

Taking her home for the holidays??? Forget this guy-- he is NOWHERE near ready for the type of adult, emotionally stable relationship that you are. He is not anywhere near marriage material. He needs to grow up A LOT.
[/quote]

Well said! I would advise her to the end the relationship befroe he finds another girlfrined but still wants her to be his “friend”


#17

Hi all - thanks for all your replies.

I just want to clarify one thing, maybe it was unclear in my original post.

He is not taking her home for the holidays. He is taking her there in a weeks time, but only for an evening. She will have dinner in his house presumably and will chat to his parents and brothers and sisters who she got close to when they were dating. That’s it, but I think it’s still too much.

Would you all agree? Are your comments based on the incorrect assumption that he was taking her home for the holidays? (I fully agree that if this was the case, it would be completely unacceptable - no doubt there!). Or would you comment differently now knowing that it’s only for an evening, not the holidays?

On his side, he has known this girl a long time and I have only started courting him fairly recently. Should I expect him to end their very close relationship just because he’s met me? My gut feeling is that they shouldn’t be meeting up exclusively, particularly as often as they do (once a week). And neither should he be taking her home for an evening to meet his family? What do you think?


#18

I forgot to say that his ex lives very close to my boyfriend so it’s not like he’s flying her home for the evening or anything. But I imagine that he will collect her from her house and then drive her home afterwards.


#19

DUMP HIM !! You are not being too jealous at all. Don’t you think you deserve someone better than that. He will just bring you heartache.


#20

[quote=applepie]I forgot to say that his ex lives very close to my boyfriend so it’s not like he’s flying her home for the evening or anything. But I imagine that he will collect her from her house and then drive her home afterwards.
[/quote]

I am sorry but he will never be ready to commit to you while he is in contact with this woman.

There is absolutely no need for her to be visiting his family - this is a big red flag.

When you are in a relationship - it is very hard to see the red flags, but this one is strongly peppered.

You deserve so much better.


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