I have OCD. I've also worried about if I were a genuine Red Sox and truly a Yankees fan, also that I was gay because of certain things that happened in my youth. And just prior to this, I obsessed for a good period of time over proving whether God exists or not.
I've posted this many times, but I feel so worried. Since I got involved in doctrinal Christianity, I've always worried that I'm not on God's side. I was fine until I became convinced God exists, and that was two years ago. I go from challenging people like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris to suddenly James White, John MacArthur and Dave Hunt. I finally care when somebody accuses me of believing a doctrine that contradicts the Bible.
In this time, I began to doubt if Jesus was the messiah, and if God created the world, and if it was satan? All because I took the Stephen Hawking quote one step further ("God did not create the universe" thing back in 2010). How do we know God was the creator? I remembered reading an article on CARM that believing Jesus got His Powers from the devil was Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and unforgivable. Suddenly, I start having a panic attack. I start praying to the Holy Spirit, asking Him to help me, but I stress over this non stop.
In this time, I watched a movie in which the characters confront an evil spiritual figure, and I decide to pray along with the characters, like an exorcism, and I remembered reading some anti-Catholic website say that Catholics pray to satan, and me being the pushover that I am, I think: Okay! I pray to satan! Dear satan...
Suddenly I get sucked in! I can't get out of it. The subject comes about and I feel something inside me pulling me towards it, like when Frodo is tempted to put on the Ring in The Lord of the Rings movies, and he has no control. I started to pray, and I could not say God or Lord, because I thought: Oh, I could mean satan as my god when I say God, or satan could be my lord when I say Lord... All the ambiguity, it just killed me! It still does!
I then remember I saw the prequel to The Exorcist... on a side note: don't watch it, it's a pretty bad movie, no quality at all... and there's a scene when the younger Father Merrin is tempted to go back into the past via the devil and fix something, and it seems like he gives into the temptation, and suddenly I'm saying yes to that. Then I dreamed that I said yes in a deal to sell my soul to the devil.
This doesn't stop. My mind kept going at it all day and all night, and I never had any rest. I only felt calm when I spoke about the theology, and finally it made sense. But then I'd go back to thinking about it and suddenly I'm doubting again.
I wallow in my despair, like, I'm being tortured to death. I could not eat or swallow anything because every time I did so, I felt like I was relaxing, and I would suddenly start thinking satan is lord, I give my soul to you... Even as I write this, I feel something happening. And one evening I'm laying in bed, and suddenly a temptation arises about selling my soul for the return of my heterosexuality. I had convinced myself I was gay because I lacked sexual experience, and if you want further information, please message me about it. I was so upset and convinced I was beyond hope that I said: **** it, satan. Take my soul. I don't care anymore. At least I should have fun before I go to hell when I have no more hope. And whaddya know? Within a short period of time, I'm finding girls attractive again!
I soon regret it, and I beg God for my soul back. But I keep doubting God. I kept doubting Jesus was the messiah, and I couldn't do anything. But I also start praying to satan for other things, and once again, I can't fight it.
I eventually went home from school around the midway point of February, and my parents discovered the hell that I was in, and they wouldn't send me back to college. I refused to drink a glass of water because I kept on saying yes to the devil every time I drank it, and I kept on imagining that I was accepting something from the devil. It was hell. I tried to pray to Jesus, but every time I thought of Him, I'd see two horns appearing on the head, or I'd picture the devil from the movie The Passion (this also happened with the sexual thing, whenever I tried to picture myself with a girl in my head, she'd change into a guy, making me think that I was ultimately gay). I kept on tracing names and pictures of holy things on bare tables to try to combat these thoughts...I lost several pounds during this period, and my mother sobbed her eyes out non stop, calling me selfish for not thinking about my family.
I tried to ignore everything, and one day, the doubts came to my head and I just did nothing. Suddenly I felt something like it was overtaking my thought process, like something literally took over my brain, and I no longer control it. Then I tried to exorcise myself, and suddenly I felt this cold wind rush through me, taking me by surprise... was this the devil?
I try to pray now, but I can't do it. I either lose focus, start getting sleepy, and I'm just not able to do it. Shrinks have said that this is all mental, but I'm just so worried. I just keep saying the Jesus prayer every time I pray to satan. I want to stop, like I want God to build a wall between myself and the devil so I can never go to him again.
What do I do?