Am I under attack from the devil?


#1

I have OCD. I've also worried about if I were a genuine Red Sox and truly a Yankees fan, also that I was gay because of certain things that happened in my youth. And just prior to this, I obsessed for a good period of time over proving whether God exists or not.

I've posted this many times, but I feel so worried. Since I got involved in doctrinal Christianity, I've always worried that I'm not on God's side. I was fine until I became convinced God exists, and that was two years ago. I go from challenging people like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris to suddenly James White, John MacArthur and Dave Hunt. I finally care when somebody accuses me of believing a doctrine that contradicts the Bible.

In this time, I began to doubt if Jesus was the messiah, and if God created the world, and if it was satan? All because I took the Stephen Hawking quote one step further ("God did not create the universe" thing back in 2010). How do we know God was the creator? I remembered reading an article on CARM that believing Jesus got His Powers from the devil was Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and unforgivable. Suddenly, I start having a panic attack. I start praying to the Holy Spirit, asking Him to help me, but I stress over this non stop.

In this time, I watched a movie in which the characters confront an evil spiritual figure, and I decide to pray along with the characters, like an exorcism, and I remembered reading some anti-Catholic website say that Catholics pray to satan, and me being the pushover that I am, I think: Okay! I pray to satan! Dear satan...

WHAT?!

Suddenly I get sucked in! I can't get out of it. The subject comes about and I feel something inside me pulling me towards it, like when Frodo is tempted to put on the Ring in The Lord of the Rings movies, and he has no control. I started to pray, and I could not say God or Lord, because I thought: Oh, I could mean satan as my god when I say God, or satan could be my lord when I say Lord... All the ambiguity, it just killed me! It still does!

I then remember I saw the prequel to The Exorcist... on a side note: don't watch it, it's a pretty bad movie, no quality at all... and there's a scene when the younger Father Merrin is tempted to go back into the past via the devil and fix something, and it seems like he gives into the temptation, and suddenly I'm saying yes to that. Then I dreamed that I said yes in a deal to sell my soul to the devil.

This doesn't stop. My mind kept going at it all day and all night, and I never had any rest. I only felt calm when I spoke about the theology, and finally it made sense. But then I'd go back to thinking about it and suddenly I'm doubting again.

I wallow in my despair, like, I'm being tortured to death. I could not eat or swallow anything because every time I did so, I felt like I was relaxing, and I would suddenly start thinking satan is lord, I give my soul to you... Even as I write this, I feel something happening. And one evening I'm laying in bed, and suddenly a temptation arises about selling my soul for the return of my heterosexuality. I had convinced myself I was gay because I lacked sexual experience, and if you want further information, please message me about it. I was so upset and convinced I was beyond hope that I said: **** it, satan. Take my soul. I don't care anymore. At least I should have fun before I go to hell when I have no more hope. And whaddya know? Within a short period of time, I'm finding girls attractive again!

I soon regret it, and I beg God for my soul back. But I keep doubting God. I kept doubting Jesus was the messiah, and I couldn't do anything. But I also start praying to satan for other things, and once again, I can't fight it.

I eventually went home from school around the midway point of February, and my parents discovered the hell that I was in, and they wouldn't send me back to college. I refused to drink a glass of water because I kept on saying yes to the devil every time I drank it, and I kept on imagining that I was accepting something from the devil. It was hell. I tried to pray to Jesus, but every time I thought of Him, I'd see two horns appearing on the head, or I'd picture the devil from the movie The Passion (this also happened with the sexual thing, whenever I tried to picture myself with a girl in my head, she'd change into a guy, making me think that I was ultimately gay). I kept on tracing names and pictures of holy things on bare tables to try to combat these thoughts...I lost several pounds during this period, and my mother sobbed her eyes out non stop, calling me selfish for not thinking about my family.

I tried to ignore everything, and one day, the doubts came to my head and I just did nothing. Suddenly I felt something like it was overtaking my thought process, like something literally took over my brain, and I no longer control it. Then I tried to exorcise myself, and suddenly I felt this cold wind rush through me, taking me by surprise... was this the devil?

I try to pray now, but I can't do it. I either lose focus, start getting sleepy, and I'm just not able to do it. Shrinks have said that this is all mental, but I'm just so worried. I just keep saying the Jesus prayer every time I pray to satan. I want to stop, like I want God to build a wall between myself and the devil so I can never go to him again.

What do I do?


#2

Hallelujah, Praise God!
Just pick up the Bible and read the Gospels, try to find a tranquil place knowing
that God loves you, even pick up the Rosary and start meditating on the Gospel
(while asking Mary to pray for you.

You are under attack, God is winning in you so the Devil is
resorting to gorilla warfare, to provide an illustration of your
situation. Discouragement is one of the Devil's great tools
against us, he's just trying to psyche you out.

Call on Jesus to be your Savior, ask Mary (whom devils fear
also) to pray for you, as well as all the Saints and Angels.

Jesus has come, and he's come for you, Devil is
like, "Nope, look at me ... both eyes," but do not
listen to him, that Father of Lies.

I would also recommend this great advocate: Saint Jude Thaddeus, Patron of Seemingly
Lost Causes and Things Despaired Over. Click on the following link in my signature ("Oh
Holy St. Jude!"). You don't need the prayer beads, fingers is fine, and if you miss a day
out of nine), DON'T BE DISCOURAGED(!), just add another day to make up for the one
missed.

BUT AGAIN THE ROSARY: David cast FIVE stones to kill Goliath, the
wicked Haman was hung at the gallows which were FIFTY cubits high,
in Genesis 3:15, God said to that Old Serpent that SHE will crush his
head, all these prefigure the Rosary as our weapon against the Devil.

Ask Mary, because she WANTS to bring you to Christ her son.
Saint Jude, relative of Jesus, will also pray if you're willing to ask.
But most of all JESUS, for he had you in mind while on the Cross.
All the Angels and Saints are interested
in your faith rekindling, so fret not to ask
them to pray for you.


#3

I know your distressed, but I take that as a good thing.

I was a Pagan for three-four years, then I was BORN-AGAIN, and that was TERRIFYING!
Horrible experience! The Holy Spirit RUSHED IN, the Father YANKED hard my leashed,
Jesus lifted me as a terrified lamb, and by the time I settled (month or two later), I found
myself on a green pasture by gentle streams.

I think you’re being Born Again! Isn’t that Great? well uh, Okay , yeah,
sure isn’t pleasant, I’m sure, but the Devil is losing his grip on you, he
knows that, now he is trying EVERYTHING to get you back, BUT GO
TO GOD!

Take your sins to God and let him take it from you and cast them into the depths of the sea!
Go to Confession, two good
videos I recommend for infor-
mation:
youtube.com/watch?v=tUMPBCM4Vpo
youtube.com/watch?v=PRJFM5k83CA
Born Again like a new baby, confused, crying, screaming into
the world, a New Creation in Christ Jesus. Welcome Home! ! ! :wink:%between%


#4

.

What do I do?

Your first statement was that you have OCD. Are you in treatment for that? That, alone, can explain obsessive thoughts and such. Have you talked to a psychologist, and OCD, far as I know, usually responds well to medication. Had you also tried that?

I've heard where uncontrolled OCD can cause panic attacks, depression, all kinds of things.

Even when priests do decide to get involved in these kinds of spiritual matters, they like to rule out psychological and physical factors, first. So, if you haven't done this already, I'd recommend you talk to someone and get treatment. If you're in treatment, go back and see if you can get your medication adjusted, or changed, as a first step.


#5

Don't worry, God loves you and will make sure nothing bad will happen. I have heard that sometimes when people start learning more they can get a bit confused and maybe doubt some things. "Reset" your spiritual life, and you will understand that you are stronger then Satan, you have God on your side, so you will win, no doubt about that.

I going to be honest and frank with you. What you think is the devil is actually your doubts who is what attack you now. You do know that God is real? If you need evidence think about this, no lie will last for 2000-4000 years, and if you look close on what ever you see that is not man made you will realize that only God can make a tree or a flower. So have faith, think about The Gospels, do you really think anyone would want to get killed for lies.


#6

[quote="ClearWater, post:4, topic:347973"]
.

What do I do?

[/quote]

Your first statement was that you have OCD. Are you in treatment for that? That, alone, can explain obsessive thoughts and such. Have you talked to a psychologist, and OCD, far as I know, usually responds well to medication. Had you also tried that?

I've heard where uncontrolled OCD can cause panic attacks, depression, all kinds of things.

Even when priests do decide to get involved in these kinds of spiritual matters, they like to rule out psychological and physical factors, first. So, if you haven't done this already, I'd recommend you talk to someone and get treatment. If you're in treatment, go back and see if you can get your medication adjusted, or changed, as a first step.

A very wise post. Sometimes we can overthink our theology and this can lead to doubts and sometimes scruples.
Let go and rest in the loving arms of Jesus. Pray to Jesus and you reconfirm that you are not praying to Satan. You are not stupid; only the very stupid would pray to the liar. Our Lady is a strong advocate against the devil. But be comfortable in your faith after you have had your OCD reassessed by experts.


#7

Step one: Go see your psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist ASAP. Don't have one? Step One A: Get appointment with a mental health professional for evaluation.

Step two: Go see your pastor and discuss regular spiritual direction, making sure you tell him of your OCD.


#8

JD, yes its important that you seek a mental health professional. Also, many of your points raised cannot be supported by scripture. So its essestial that you re-read the NT. On a lighter note, I see potential in you as a decent screenplay writer! (You have a vivid imagination)


#9

May God bless you with his peace and joy!

Dear JDGaney, beside seeing a mental health professional for the OCD issues, perhaps you could find helpful some of the following for the spiritual part:

  1. go to confession, confess all the bad thoughts that are troubling you
  2. after you receive absolution, do not think and do not ruminate thouse thoughts again. Just put your sins and thoughts in the hands of Jesus and move on
  3. go to Mass and receive Holy Communion
  4. go to Adoration, if possible. It is a HUGE help against OCD thoughts
  5. pray the Rosary. Our Mother is a mother towards us and gives us comfort in our battles of any kind. It does not matter if those bad thoughts come from your mind or from the devil, the fact is they are tormenting you. Ask the Blessed Mother in the Rosary to interceed some relief of your pain. Pray for other souls that you know of, facing similar trials.
  6. throw away all those bad movies, books, CD s and so on. Just throw them away! Do not put them aside, do not sell them, just throw them, they're trash.
  7. watch some god Catholic movies. I recommend for the beginning Molokai, the Story of Father Damien.

Would you try and follow these steps for a week? May God bless you and your guardian angel protect you. i will be praying for you.


#10

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