Amazed by the lack of understanding

I’m amazed by the point of view some people have when it comes to divorce.

I’m out of a relationship with a woman who was divorced but not annulled. I wish that I could say that I ended it. I wish I could write that it was a deal-breaker and why I chose not to continue on. Ultimately, she ended it. I believe she sensed that I was uncomfortable with her status.

I long to be in a loving relationship which God will smile upon. At 48, I find myself resorting to dating sites. I’ve gone specifically to Catholic dating sites thinking that there would be a better understanding of the requirements, but that isn’t true.

I’ve communicated with Catholic woman who were listed as divorced. When I open communication with them, I ask: “I see you are divorced, but are you annulled? If not, would you be willing to do so for the right man?”

You’d be surprised at the answers. Most common: “I never thought about getting remarried so no, I’m not”.

Why don’t people get it?

=Nick003;9567131]I’m amazed by the point of view some people have when it comes to divorce.

I’m out of a relationship with a woman who was divorced but not annulled. I wish that I could say that I ended it. I wish I could write that it was a deal-breaker and why I chose not to continue on. Ultimately, she ended it. I believe she sensed that I was uncomfortable with her status.

I long to be in a loving relationship which God will smile upon. At 48, I find myself resorting to dating sites. I’ve gone specifically to Catholic dating sites thinking that there would be a better understanding of the requirements, but that isn’t true.

I’ve communicated with Catholic woman who were listed as divorced. When I open communication with them, I ask: “I see you are divorced, but are you annulled? If not, would you be willing to do so for the right man?”

You’d be surprised at the answers. Most common: “I never thought about getting remarried so no, I’m not”.

Why don’t people get it?

Hi Nick,

I ASSUME your either unmarried or have an annulment yourself?

THE ISSUE IMO is a reflection of the mindset of today’s society.:o

Catholic divorice rate is atleast equal to that of society in general at about 50%

The former “taboo” for divorce and the OLD fashioned committment for a LIFE-LONG marriage [we will celebtrate our 45th anniversary this Firday] seems to be now JUST one option; a “personal choice?”

Marriage is NOT easy nor is Life itself. AND God never intended either to be such.:slight_smile:

Five times Christ tells us in the NT that we MUST “take up the cross that HE Himslef” crafts for us and follow Him. Matt. 19:17 even articulates that ONLY those who do so can “be His deciples.”

There have been far more “good years” than diffiecult ones" in our marriage; but BOTH exist. We ask God in the LORDS prayer to forive us ONLY to the SAME degree we forive ALL others: that fiends begins with our Spouces! In the same prayer we PROMISE GOD that we will DO His Will and give it priority over our own. AMEN!:thumbsup:

There is little doubt that that “society” today competes VERY sucessfully these days with what God and the CC teaches. ONLY we; only we can decide what is TRULY right and wrong.:slight_smile: And We MUST as we will be judged on the decissions that we make.

Stay close to God so that he can stay close to you. Do what is RIGHT!

God Bless,
pat/PJM

I can say I’m very guilty of having had the current world view of divorce.

I’ve been civilly divorced and annulled once, and I became Catholic after I was civilly remarried for the 2nd time.

Now that I truly am coming to an understanding of what a marriage is supposed to be, I’m saying YIKES. Not to make light of it, but I only understood marriage before as “okay, but I can always get divorced.” :blush: I know that’s not right, but I think it’s common. I think a lot of people feel if they become miserable they want out and don’t want to spend their lives unhappy.

Scares me to death somewhat because I have doubts about the husband I am currently married to.

I fear that it is too easy to fall into the normative way of thinking in our world today.

My experience, if it is of any help and I am not off the subject:

I remarried at 43 after a civil divorce and annullment, and then remarried to a non-Catholic in by a non-denominational minister. Now my second wife and I are getting a divorce at her request, which I really do not want. However, she does not want to work through our issues and will not even talk to me; as though we had just been dating.

Now at 53 I will be seeking an annullment, not with the hope or desire to ever get married again, but because it is what is right.

I now realize the err of my ways in remarrying, especially to a non-Catholic that had a serious adversion to my faith.

I fear that too many seek out companionship without truly knowing or wanting a lasting marriage. I have decided that it is best for me to spend my remaining days seeking out the knowledge of my faith, becoming closer to God, and finding employment in our failing economy.

Now that I think I have some idea of what a joyful Catholic marriage is, I fear that it may not exist this day and time, well not for me.

Regardless, I fight a battle of temptation daily, however my self-control strengthens even more as I accept what I feel is God’s will for me to be single at this point in my life.

But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)

God Bless!

Not properly catechized.

Peace
James

It may be worthing noting a Decree of Nullity is not automatic. A civil divorce does not dissolve a valid, consummated sacramental marriage. A valid, consummated sacramental marriage is eternal.

I’m just a little confused here. Are you divorced with an annulment and looking so someone and due to your age what is basically available are divorced women? Have you been married before? I’m just trying to understand and what I get from reading the post is that at your age in the late 40’s there is not much available for you but divorced women who have not had their marriages annulled. That is the difficulty in finding a spouse as you get older, most people are married with families and there are few truly singles left. Trying to find a widow your age is probably not much easier either especially those that would not have children with them. Having known a few who have been through the annulment process, it really should be used not to be able to be married again in the church, but for the healing it brings. many of the women you met may have not sought out an annulment because the divorce was so hurtful they truly do not want remarriage.

Well, not eternal. It lasts “as long as you both shall live”.

God Bless

I was wondering why I saw sweat on my wifes brow. :smiley:

Yes. An indissoluble unity until death.

Maybe they do get it. If she is “divorced” and Catholic, she may still be in a sacramental relationship (Marriage) with the man from whom she divorced. Divorce ends the co-habitation, but not the marriage, she is still bound to Love Honor and Cherish her spouse. She made this commitment before God and Family. Divorce does not end it.

If I understand the OP correctly, the woman, or women, he is referring to are listed on a Catholic Dating site. If your premise above is true, why would they be on a “dating” site?

Peace
James

You’re right. I missed that line in the Original Post.

Unfortunately, many priests have encouraged part of this scenario. The nullity process is encouraged in many places only if someone plans to remarry. I have heard priests tell people whose marriage is over and are civilly divorced that there is no need to go through the nullity process if they have no immediate plans to remarry.I am not sure if this is an attempt to reduce the tribunal’s caseload, or ease the pastor’s schedule, but this is a hazarous mindset, as often after a divorce people say that they will never get married again, but then things change later on, and after they become engaged they must begin the lengthy nullity process.They became impatient with the length of the process and the chances of their getting married outside of the Church increase, all because they were discouraged by a priest or someone else years earlier.

I know that one should not run out as soon as a divorce is granted and begin the nullity process. Many of the issues and scars of the broken marriage are still fresh at that point. But at some point shortly down the road–a year or two later–when those wounds are beginning to heal, that is the time to begin the nullity process, which ultimately will complete the healing process. After that the person can date freely and without any concern about lengthy delays should they become engaged again.

I know of three who have not sought an annulment.

One reason one was told it would cost $5,000. Another reason is they’re so exhausted from the divorce, they’re not interested in going through another battle. The third is that the other party must be contacted and this is difficult if the divorce was nasty. They really do not want to be involved with the other party in any way. And most feel they’ll never marry again anyway.

If they re still exhausted, then it is too soon. Allow a year or two to pass, and the process can be started with a fresh mind. As far as contacting the other party, the petitioner does not do that; the tribunal sends a couple of letters. Many, if not most, respondents, never answer. After a short wait, the process moves on. The tribunal deals with people all the time who do not wish to be contacted, as well as petitioners who do not wish to have any contact with the former spouse. They are professionals.

:thumbsup:

And as to the cost…I’ve never heard a number that high AND as I understand it, if one cannot pay - that is not a problem.

Peace
James

I advised them to look into it again. I too disputed the cost but they insisted that is what they were told. Needless to say, they get disgusted and go on with their lives.

Recently, a friend ran into a snafu obtaining information regarding her annulment 30 years ago. After many moves, she lost the papers. She called and was chastized by the person in charge. (He was not a religious). Her parish priest even said it was a clerk too lazy to go and search the files. Within two days, after a two month wait, she got the information.

The bottom line is there are too many misconceptions and misinformation regarding annulments. This is something that should be discussed at Pre-Cana and it wouldn’t hurt to run an article in the church bulletins to inform people including the cost.

It does seem like there could be four expectations for Catholics on dating sites.

Intention to marry:

  1. Never married.
  2. Divorced, need annulment.

Intention to remain single, may be divorced:
3. Socializing, without sexual relationship.
4. Fornication or Adultery.

Interesting. I suppose that the person’s status and intention should be made known at the outset.

It’s sort of a chicken and egg situation. Are there so many annulments now because there are really so many null marriages? Maybe so.

And if there are so many null marriages, is it because the couples were never ever taught that marriage is for life, and can be dissolved only by death? For that is the Church’s teaching.

I think there is a real difference in how people think of marriage now, compared with times in the past.

I grew up in a place and time where marriage was seen as a lifelong indissoluble commitment. When a man proposed marriage, he did it in the full knowledge that once married, there would be no divorce, not ever. So he knew upfront that this was the woman he would be joined to for life. As did she.

Now, that was primarily a Catholic understanding, and it was emphasized from grade school to college. But in my neck of the woods, it was pretty much the Protestant understanding too. In all my school years, neither I nor my friends, whether in Catholic or public schools, knew of anyone whose parents were divorced. On the rare occasion when we encountered a kid whose parents had been divorced, it was treated as a strange anomaly, sort of like missing an arm or a leg. I remember once a kid mentioning that someone had a “half-sister.” I couldn’t for the life of me figure what that could mean.

So the common understanding as a couple walked to the altar was that this is for life.
That is no longer a common understanding. Which means, perhaps, that there is something less than full commitment in those vows they recite.

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