I really don’t know how to start this thread. In fact, I really don’t know what to say. But I do need help, which is why I’m here.
Normally, I would go to the prayer area. However, I believe that, if I could just find someone compassionate to talk to about this, that maybe, I could get better.
Losing faith is very much like contracting a disease. I fell away from God because I could not trust Jesus. I haven’t trusted him for some time now, up until this point.
About a week or two ago, I received what some might call a revelation. I had given up trying to understand Jesus. Why would God come in the form of such a flawed creation as a human being? A part of me says that he wanted to help humans on their level. Another part says that humans are imperfect, that God should never have come as a man, because man is destined to fall. Something didn’t click.
You are reading from a person who has fallen away from the Catholic Church, the Mother Church, about four or five times. That’s a lot. It’s not something that I’m proud of, but I’m willing to admit it, because I’m willing to admit that I was wrong. It takes a lot of humility for me to say this, which can be very difficult for me at times. It’s definitely difficult now.
But, somehow, God saved me. I have been searching for myself for quite sometime now, and when I gave up on Jesus, he saw me hurting, and he came to me.
I don’t know if it was a vision. I don’t know what to call it. But I thought of him one day, and a very startling realization hit me. It wasn’t a kick to the stomach, but it was like there was a kick-start to my system: Jesus wasn’t a man. He was, and continues to be, God made flesh. I guess I just forgot that.
Now, I know that this is going to sound like blasphemy, but I just decided to look at it from a different point of view.
I have seen Jesus in pictures. I have seen him with golden light around him. I thought to myself, “What if this was his aura? It’s divine, and on fire. What if this is Jesus, as I was meant to see him? Isn’t gold only meant for those who are most divine?”
At that point, even looking at it from somewhat of a pagan point of view, I realized: Jesus is God. Only a god could have an aura so divine that it glows a beautiful, golden, radiant color. Nobody else can have this color. No fake god, no pagan god could have this color. This is it. He is the One. And I have been waiting for this all my life. This is what I have been searching for. All my life, I’ve been searching, and this is it.
At that moment, a vision of Jesus entered my mind. I don’t know how it happened. It just did. I looked at him, and I felt my legs go weak. I realized: I had traveled a long way to get to this point, and suddenly, I was very, very tired.
I fell to his feet, just happy to be home, and wrapped my arms around his legs. My eyes were open, but I just rested there, curled up at the feet of the man that loved me most in this world.
He spoke to me: “Child, get up. You are not meant to be down there. You are meant to be here, with me. Stand up, child. Come here.”
I stood up, feeling somewhat emotional. I felt loved, and for the first time in my life, spiritually, I was not alone. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and held him as tightly as I could, as though if I didn’t, he would disappear. He held me, and, at that moment, I knew peace. I’ve never been the same since.
However, I’m still a child in many ways. There is so much to learn. I have to grow up in a sense, and I don’t know how.
The apology is for me falling away so many times. And the last time was just before my confirmation. I am very sorry that I walked away, and I hope that I can be forgiven for this. I had issues with my faith, especially with the image of Jesus on the cross. I would never wish someone I love so much to be in that kind of humiliation and pain, but I understand now. He did it for me, because he loves me, because he won’t leave me in my shame to hide in the dark. That place was not meant for me. But I understand now, and I see: he’s in Heaven now. And he is waiting for me.
The guidance is how am I suppose to go back to a Church, THE Church, that I have abandoned at least four times already? Please, somebody, tell me, what in the world I’m supposed to do after walking away from my spiritual parish family? This was, in a way, a breach of trust. I walked out on some of the most decent, good-hearted people that I’ve ever known, and I don’t really feel all that good about that.
Please: all I want is to go back home. I just don’t know how. I will be talking with the deacon this Sunday, and I’m about to walk home from a friend’s. It is 1:32AM on a Sunday morning, and it is only 20 degrees outside, but I have to do this, because if I don’t go home right now, I’m not going to make it to services today at 9:00AM. I’m going home and going to bed. It’s a 45 minute walk, but I have to do this.
I would greatly appreciate it if someone would answer this thread sometime in the daylight hours. I will read your answers later. I just can’t do this alone.
Please forgive me,
–Tiffany M S