An increasingly sad & frustrated Single needs advice


#1

Hey :slight_smile:

Usually, about Christian dating and finding a potential wife, we all say if we have not found a wife yet, as Christians, it’s because:

“God has a plan for our lives, and when the time is right He will bring us and our future spouse together, so what we have to do is keep our eyes open and trust in His timing that He will bring a spouse into our lives”.

I think that’s a really nice point, but I cant find it anywhere in the Bible. I’m 29 now, would so like to have a family with a wife and kids, but I dont see it happening at all, and I dont see any promise/guarantee in the Bible that God will bring marriage into our lives. In my early 20s, it was easy to think that God would bring someone into my life, but its not so easy now.

I guess I think I’m forever doomed to be lonely and alone: that is and will be my world. Its kinda funny I try and do all the right things: stay faithful to God, be a Christian gentleman etc, but so far no Christian girl is interested in me.

I just wish I was normal with a family and kids, its difficult not to think what’s wrong with me that there seems to be no one for me.

So, any advice for a single Christian who is increasingly sad at his situation in life?


#2

Stop moping. It’s not attractive. Just kidding.

But seriously, I have yet to meet a Catholic single who hasn’t had this feeling at one point or another. I think it’s the devils way of tempting us to give into the world.

When I got this feeling, I stopped looking and started a 54 day novena to figure out what God wanted me to do with my sad life.
catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p00074.htm I was tired of feeling like I was living in limbo. By the end of the petition part I had met my husband (which I actually wasn’t praying for specifically). We actually said another 54 day novena to figure out what we were supposed to do as a couple. After 2 months of dating we were engaged. And no, I’m not saying this will happen for you but it might give you life the purpose that you think only a wife will give you.

Become determined and don’t get into the “I have such a sad life”. Throw yourself into other activities. For me, it was pro-life activities.


#3

I would advise you to not despair. At 29 you are still young and could have a happy life with a wife and kids ahead of you. The first thing that comes to mind is do you feel that you are called to marriage? What about a call to the priesthood?

If you do feel that the call is to marriage, what are you personally doing to find a partner? I know that, as you said God will provide, but it is not for us to sit on the couch and expect our future spouse to knock on the door. Have you tried volunteering at your church? Have you tried any online dating sites? That is where I met my wife is on Ave Maria Singles. Sure they cost a bit, but you know what you are getting when you get involved. There are some great people on these sites.

Again, my advice to you it to not despair. Pray to the Blessed Mother for your future spouse. Pray to St. Joseph for his assistance in discerning your call.


#4

I tend to like stoic philosophy, so my response isn’t that God is going to deliever a gift wrapped wife. I’m not convinced that God mirco manges people’s lives like that. Be glad that you have what you do. Being content brings peace, and if you get married it’s frosting on the cake. If you don’t it’s a small thing. Soon enough we’re all dead and these things are no longer of any importance.


#5

#6

Dear OP,

Most of us have felt like this at one time or another. I am 31 and still single so I know how you feel. I decided to stop worrying about finding the right person, and focus on making my own life as fulfilling as possible, while trying to help as many people out along the way, as possible.

I recommend volunteering, simply being there for others, praying, and developing your own hobbies. That way you will make yourself happy on your own, without looking for it in another person. As an added benefit, happy people ARE more attractive! I seem to attrack the most guys when I am feeling the most happy and independent. (The problem is, I can`t seem to find a nice practicing Catholic guy! And believe me, the odds are against me as I live in Japan, where less than 0.3 percent of the local population is Catholic).

I will keep you in my prayers. I know it is really hard. As a previous poster said, it is really important to make sure you keep putting yourself out there. I have to remind myself that God is unlikely to send the perfect guy knocking at my front door. For me, I know I need to spend more time “out there” and perhaps less time sitting in my PJs logged on to CAF! :slight_smile:

Hang in there.

Sincerely,

Maria1212


#7

Have you tried Catholic dating websites? I used to be too proud to join one but then I swallowed my pride and did it. Glad I did, because that’s how I met my husband.


#8

I feel the same way. I’m 23 woman so I still haven’t given up hope and you shouldn’t either! I know how hard it is being single and being a person that doesn’t want to date the wrong person. It feels like you are walking up hill all the time. It is really hard to go to weddings single and stuff where you want to be able to share it with someone special. I have a wedding to go to on Friday and I went to a baptism yesterday. All my friends are married and have little ones. I’m on your side with this! Its no fun being single when you so want a family. I’m young but I’m starting to get that “baby feeling”. I want to be a Mom. I want to be a wife. I guess I want that happy ending…


#9

Hey FanofB16,

My husband had given up on finding a spouse too when he was in his late 20s. Obviously, he was wrong. The same may not happen to you, but I would say that if you want to get married, follow the other posters’ advice and try to do something about it.

Also, marriage is great, but I hear some friends of mine talk about it like it’s a cure-all. They say, “If I were married, I would have someone in my life, and I would be happy.” Happiness cannot depend on another person and to expect that is to crush that person. Now maybe you know all this, but I thought I would say it just in case. I wish I had better understood that marriage doesn’t solve problems. We always bring those wherever we go :stuck_out_tongue: .

God bless you, and I will pray that you find His will for you.


#10

You can be lonely and alone in a house full of people. Marriage does not cure these things. Marriage doesn’t make you happy. Marriage can’t fill a hole. Marriage cannot make you whole.

Marriage is not a 50/50 undertaking. It’s a 100/100 undertaking. You are called to give 100% of yourself to the other in sacrificial love. If you are not 100% whole already, you are not ready for a marriage. It’s not about what you *get *in marriage, it’s about what you give.

I think you need to examine what it is you want from a marriage, why you want to be married, and then-- most importantly-- what you are ready to give to a marriage.

You have lots of time, and this is the time you need to spend working on you. Your life does not begin when you get married. You need to live your life now-- fully. Marriage is one way in which we live out our God-given vocation. So, first discern **what **you are called to do and then how you are called to live it out: single, consecrated, married.


#11

My dh was 39 when we got married. We’ve been together 6 years now and have a 5 year old son. We met on one of those dating sites. So did my brother and sister-in-law. Catholicmatch.com. It’s a good thing. :smiley:


#12

This is easily the best advice about the vocation of marriage I have ever read in these forums.
:clapping: :tiphat:


#13

Are you using this time as a single to improve yourself and your spiritual life or are you just lonely and depressed about your singleness?

Being with another person in a relationship or as a married couple does not provide for your happiness. One must find happiness in themselves and with God.

Focus on the reality that God wants you to be complete in Him and to find your joy in Him. All else that God gives us is a blessing.

If you are not happy and at peace now, adding a relationship with a person does not increase your happiness and fix all. Only God does that.

We all want God to move on our timeframe, but He knows what is best. So trust.


#14

This is a lovely story and such good advice. I think I’ll try it myself.:thumbsup: I understand the feelings FanofB16 has.:frowning:


#15

You don’t mention in your post what actions you are taking to change the situation.

You have to sow the seeds of opportunity if you want the fruits to grow.

I hope you are actively engaged in many different church organizations available to you at the parish and diocese levels. Many of them actually have singles ministries. Look into them if you haven’t already. Volunteer for those ministries that suit your skills and talents. You will be doing a great service to the church at the same time meeting people with similar likes and beliefs as your own.

It’s time to leave the video games behind and get in the ultimate game of life. Good luck and God Bless you.


#16

Forget Catholic Match (no offense to you who have used it) just look at this thread and these forums! Maybe someone who posted here should start a Catholic Singles thread. :wink: Some of you have already admitted to being in the same boat and understanding. This simple “know where you’re coming from” can be the start of a beautiful friendship if nothing else. Why don’t you all say the 54 day novena together. I’d just make your intention to find out what path God wants you to take in life. Sometime we think what we want is what God wants. You certainly can’t lose and you’ll develop some comraderie:thumbsup:


#17

This is a great point. I also am not fond of the Catholic Match and Ave Maria as an option unless you know you can handle a potential long distance relationship, and have the where-with all to maintain one ($ to visit, don’t mind the phone or instant messaging form of communication.)

I found them to be more frustrating than helpful - though I do understand some have met their spouses this way. It’s absolutely not the best way for many.

But that’s not to say you cannot find someone here on the forum…

I personally know 2 forum members that have gotten married since meeting here AND I am 2 years into a relationship with someone I met through a forum member. The CAF member knew I was single and had a great person in mind for me.

So you never know.


#18

For me Ave Maria was a complete waste of money. Catholicmatch is ok but I don’t feel I’ll ever find a spouse there I just like the fellowship and great sense of community. I’m not into long distance relationships myself. I’ve been there and done that and it just doesn’t work for me. I don’t know what the trick to finding the right person is but I’m hoping God will clue me in someday. Honestly I think there’s a few things he wants me to work on first so I’m in no big hurry anyway even at 37. :cool: Though sometimes it does get hard when I see other couples I just take it day by day. :thumbsup:


#19

What a beautiful and postive outlook you have. :thumbsup:


#20

It’s extremely hard because marriage is often discouraged today - even in the church!

Part of the frustration is that we expect more out of our fellow Catholics.

Also, it seems that people today are more non-committal or don’t know what they want (I had a lady in her late thirites admit that she doesn’t know what age of man she wants!), or they have been duped by the secular lesbian/feminazi career woman mentality that says that you don’t need to be married or have a family to be happy and fulfilled and that you’re better off alone - but many of those who promote that message also accept extra-marital sex. And the ravages of divorce are making people more skittish nowadays, too; the way to prevent divorce these days is to discourage marriage (instead of challenging frivolous reasons for getting divorced).

There is also a lot of bad theology out there infecting the Church, due in part to the “micromanaging God” theory (which goes against free will and leaves people unable to make a decision because they are waiting forever for that “sign from above”) and also to the incorrect (and dare I say HERETICAL) notion that only certain people are called to marriage (CCC says that the vocation to marriage is instilled in our very nature).

People also do not take male sexuality seriously and the fact that the male “clock” goes off much earlier than females (just witness the thrashing males got in the “going without sex is not the end of the world” thread).

Someone also said to see if you are being called to priesthood. Have you discerned that path?

Online dating - some swear by it, some swear at it. Me, I come from a time whne personal ads were considered something done only by those who couldn’t get a date on their own (an idea reinforced by my former Opus Dei circle leader).

Now, what to do?

Make yourself available. Be the best you can be (but please keep in mind that this is a lifelong process, and if everyone waited until they were compeltely satisfied with themselves, hardly anyone would be married).

If you’ve done all that and it still doesn’t work (and trust me, you can do all the right things and still wind up with nothing; after all, you can volunteer 168 hours a week - then what? there are no more hours of the week to volunteer), then you need to be more assertive - tell the naysayers to shut their pieholes and stop second-guessing your discernment and that if you felt called to lifelong celibacy you’d already be wearing a collar (I use that line myself - even to priests!). Push back when someone tries to con you with bad theology. Maybe that will inspire our leaders to start retooling the message from encouraging the single vocation to getting people to stop hiding and make themselves available. And don’t let anyone in the “Midol Mafia” tell you you need therapy - you are not at fault for pursuing marriage, they are at fault for faulting you in the first place!

For the record, I am a forty-something male who has no immediate family (having lost mine before getting into high school) and cannot count on the extended family to remain tight forever, and forsee more holidays spent rummaging through the freezer for TV dinners or checking if the local Chinese take-out is open. Getting married and having kids is the ONLY way I will ever have an immediate family. So, it probably hits me even harder than you.

And a word to the general public: the lady who organized the National Catholic Singles Conference said that women expect to be pursued. But when you start saying those 15-second sound bites like “in God’s time and not ours” or “it’s not God’s will for you”, do you know what that does to the male? It discourages him from pursuing and may shut down a shy guy finally coming out of his shell. So even if it is true, please keep it to yourselves; while your intention may seem noble, the “collateral damage” does more harm than good.


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