An offended friend sent me a very angry ugly letter


#1

A person who has sought out my friendship mainly by calling me with her worries and complaints has now become angry at me.

After a few years of trying to be a good ear and give as much advice as I could I realized that this person complains too much. Her life is filled with joys that are not celebrated as much as the smaller concerns are dwelled on. I started suggesting to her to look on the brighter side. I became more and more pointed with my suggestions that she is not the only one to ever go through what she is going through and that maybe she needs to buck up a little. It seems, in retrospect, that every time I said something to encourage her to see that things were not so dire, she took offense and attempted to convince me that her case was indeed unusual and no offered solution had worked and how she just had to suffer…

She still sought me out. Somehow I became more and more resentful and also very judmental of her. I started disliking her for her weakness, I started resenting her for things she was happy about. etc.

This was mostly unconscious for a long time.

Then I met a new person in our circle who had been hurt by a few people in our circle and had shared with me. I reassured her of gthe good heart of one person who had hurt her and tried to make her feel more comfortable in our group. Amidst this type of sharing this particular friend of mine came up and we both shared how we felt the same negative feelings around her and how hard it was to take her ways. We tried to stop ourselves from discussing it excessively to avoid the sin of gossip, but for me it was such a relief to have my years worth of unpleasantness diagnosed by this new person who seemed so much more perceptive than I. I know we did talk about it a bit too much. But we did stop ourselves and made an agreement to not talk about it anymore.

Okay that was a long way of saying I talked about my problems with this person behind her back. But we never said horrible things about her, we just said we didn’t have what it took to be her supportive friend because she just worried too much and had a deeply negative view of too many things.

I realized that I must stop my contact with this friend of about 6 years to stop the negativity so I did. Then a few months later since we do have some ties through her children, I felt guilty and we exchanged a few letters. I wrote her a letter at one point congratulating her on something and I said that a certain other circumstance (her mother living with her) in her life must be a blessing. She wrote back that the circumstance was not a blessing, how could I ever even suggest that, the circumstance was causing her to live in a nightmare and etc. SHe had suggested that people like myself never suffered such circumstances… on and on about the horrible state of her existance. AGAIN.

I couldn’t resist one last time of trying to help her see clear. I suggested (AGAIN) that though her circumstances were understandably unpleasant and that she should try and get out of it, it wasn’t something that she couldn’t get over. I also shared with her how I had experienced something similar and had found it very difficult, but now things are better. I thought I was providing her with a better view point of her situation so she could relax and trust God a little more.

In response I got three pages of angry writing defaming my character, telling me how awful I was, how she pitied my husband, how I shouldn’t pray for her, how she hoped her children would forget me, how I should pray for my own children that they not be affected by by vileness, how I was so sinful, how she knows of others who hate me… How she knew that I talked with others in a vile backbiting way behind her back…and other things that I have blissfully forgotten.

I was protected from the attacks of the letter because I had prayed before I read it and had received a very kind letter from another friend just moments before. I do not need to be reassured that I am okay. I know I am sinful and I know what my next talk with my spiritual director will be about in terms of improving my character. I know nobody deserves a letter like that, so by easy deduction I certainly don’t have to take it personally. By the grace of God I am not taking it personally.

My question:

SHe asked me to never contact her again, but the letter is so nasty I imagine it would cause her pangs of regret later on. I want to let her know that I am going to forget the letter, except that I am now even more aware of the consequences of my judgmental ways. I want to tell her that we needed a break in our friendship and that time would allow me to become a better person and that God willing our paths would cross again and we would be able to have a fruitful friendship.

SHould I write her something like that?
SHould I apologize for the hurt I caused her? SHould I mention forgetting the letter?


#2

I think sometimes friendships do come to a natural end and we just have to move on. I’m sorry you had to go through all that but if the two of you don’t get along then maybe you are best just to break contact. If you meet her, be civil, talk about the weather and leave it at that. There is no sin in that. However, should you remain in contact with her and she continues to make you feel bad, you may be led into further sin eg hatred, gossiping, etc. Probably safer just to make the break.


#3

So no letter. Just let it go? I bet you I will see her the next baby shower I go to. I reviewed it in my mind and I am sure I can smile and out of respect for her feelings leave her be. Is that what you think is right?

Thanks by the way. WHat you said does make sense.


#4

I think that would be best. Don’t ignore her but just be the way you would with someone you meet in the street. Polite but not getting involved. I think that’s what I’d do.


#5

i would not get into it with this lady again. saint faustina said that the tongue can cause sin. the best thing to do is to remain silent. don’t speak with her. talking to her about her problems is only going to make it worse. if this lady wanted a solution to her problems, she would find one. she is using you as a doormat to vent her problems.

maybe in the beginning, it would have been charitable to listen and to try to help, but its been ongoing for years now, and you tried to help, but you cannot. let it go. she is either going to try to help herself, or she is not. its not up to you at this moment to upset yourself and have negative feelings again. let it go.

if it means you have to let the friendship go for a while, then do it. it is perhaps the best thing for you and even for her right now. she is not in the frame of mind to be charitable to you, so don’t put any more thought into it, and go on with your life.

it doesn’t mean you don’t have to pray for her and to keep her in your thoughts and best wishes. that is a good thing to do, pray for her and offer it up to Jesus. as you have done with the friend you did make, by speaking to her about your feelings, perhaps this is a good thing, but even if it is charitable, it can still get back to the woman who was hurting you. the best thing to do with this other friend of yours is to not talk about this lady at all. if you must talk about it, talk to your spiritual director, or your priest.

or a loved one who has no ties to your circle of friends. but for now, pray for this lady that someday her personal trials are overcome and that she turns to Jesus, and pray that someday, when she is in the correct frame of mind, that if it is God’s will, that she comes to you and then you both talk. but until that happens, don’t engage in conversation, don’t phone her, and don’t feel guilty.

sometimes with friends or whatever, it is best to let it go. doesn’t mean you don’t have to stop caring about them, but it is best in a situation that has no end in sight like this one, to just move on with your life, and let God take care of hers. but by no means forget about praying for her! pray for her as often as you can! she does need it.


#6

here is something that you might take comfort from:

From: Divine Mercy in my soul

Saint Faustina:

“He who knows how to forgive prepares for himself many graces from God. As often as I look upon the cross, so often will I forgive with all my heart.” (390)

The words of the Lord to Saint Faustina:

" When boredom and discouragement beat against your heart, run away from yourself and hide in My heart. DO not fear struggle; courage itself often intimidates temptations, and they dare not attack us. Always fight with the deep conviction that I am with you. Do not be guided by feeling, because it is not always under control; but all merit lies in the will…Do not be unduly fearful because you are not alone. "(1760)

“My Heart overflows with great mercy for souls, and especially for poor sinners. If only they could understand that I am the best of Fathers to them and that it is for them that the Blood and Water flowed from My Heart as from a fount overflowing with mercy. … I desire to bestow My graces upon souls, but they do not want to accept them.” (367)

[urge] "all souls to trust in the unfathomable abyss of My mercy, because I want to save them all. On the cross, the fountain of My mercy was opened wide by the lance for all souls - no one have I excluded! "(1182)

have you read Divine Mercy in my soul? if not, i highly recommend it. perhaps at some point in the future, this troubled person you know might benefit from it as well. one more thing, at 3 pm, pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy if your inclined for your friend. here is the pray that you say at 3pm, followed by the Divine Mercy Chaplet ( 3pm is the hour of great mercy )

You expired, Jesus, but the source of life gushed forth for souls and the ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world. O Fount of Life, unfathomable Divine Mercy, envelop the whole world and empty Yourself out upon us.

O Blood and water, Which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fount of mercy for us, I trust in You.


#7

here you can click on this link to say the Chaplet of Divine Mercy:

ewtn.com/Devotionals/mercy/dmmap.htm


#8

I would honour her wishes and never contact her again. You are very gracious to want to apologise and wish her well but I think she will have more nasty things to say if don’t just let it go. She obviously is a very unhappy woman and I think that you should cut all ties and just pray for her.


#9

the Chaplet of Divine Mercy can be prayed for this troubled soul. We should not forget to show mercy to those that hurt us. while yet we may not want to have contact with a particular person, we can still ask God to show His infinite mercy to souls that are deeply troubled.


#10

You imagine that it will, but in reality it won’t.

She’s got serious problems, and peopls such as her don’t operate the same way as normal people (you).

She asked you never to contact her again, count your blessings and don’t.

Nope, don’t do it.

Nope, don’t do it. She’ll still be the same next time you cross paths, it will start all over again, and you’ll be sorry.

No. Forget her address instead.

I’m serious. I speak from experience with these types of former friends. Just move on.


#11

Very true. I love the Divine Mercy Prayer


#12

Pray for her but respect her wishes. I had the same situation with my best friend. She wrote me an email after 6 years saying she didn’t want to be friends. I respect her wishes and have never made contact with her again. It was really a blessing because I learned so much about myself and was able to grow as a person. We have mutal friends so i hear about her. I have inormed my friends that i have no problems being in the same room so for them to not feel as if they have to “choose” which one of us to invite. Angry/ hate can eat you up and destory you so don’t allow it to weigh on you. You must me the bigger person and let go and let God.


#13

I agree with the other posters here. Believe it or not, I have family like that! Just let it go, pray for her, pray for forgiveness if you offended her but DON’T WRITE BACK!!!


#14

Thank you all of you!!

I will pray the divine mercy for her and all you guys.

God Bless your hearts.

Thank you.


#15

well thankyou!:thumbsup:


#16

Pray for her, be kind when you see her and leave it at that.
—KCT


#17

:amen:


#18

She sounds like a nut job. If what you say is correct then all you tried to do was help her. Some people don’t want to be helped. They like stewing in their negativity.

I wouldn’t let her negativity rub off on you, you don’t need it.

Personally, I wouldn’t bother with her anymore. It’ll only bring you down. I wouldn’t even reply to the letter because that’s probably what she wants you to do. It would make her day if you sent her a letter filled with negativity.

You’re better off without people like that in your life.


#19

Thank you for the advice.

I do want to go to confession and tell the story to my priest and see where there are sins that I may not have confessed and maybe reconfess my sorrow for the impatience, judgment and jealousy ( I was often jealous and upset that she had some circumstances that seemed better than my own and yet she was still unhappy) that occured throughout the years of this relationship.

However I was thinking through the story as I would tell it to the priest and it got long, filled with explanations side tracks to conversations I had with others etc. I think if I had to listen to a story like that I would be tired and angry by the end. How can I make sure he knows the story and that he can help me confess my sins? How do I make sure I am not distracted by the fact that this person also goes to confession to him and seeks his advice in matters. I feel like I would be gossiping in a way because he knows the person.


#20

This sounds like a difficult situation for you. You are asking for help. I’ll pray for you.

Problems like this can take alot of your time away from the good things in life. Don’t forget to make time for your family and friends every day, the ones you aren’t having problems with.

If you have no allergies, make sure you play with your kids outside this week (well, unless you live in smog central). Sunlight and family are awesome things to make me feel better, and they seem to work well for most people I know. Don’t forget to drink enough water, though. (If you do have allergies like me, don’t forget the meds, too.)


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