Hi, I’m a regular poster to these boards but have such a horrible problem that has just arisen in my life, I am too embarrassed to go by my regular username so created this account to address it. If I’m not allowed to create a new account for situations such as this, apologies to mods and please delete if necessary.
I have 2 young children, and every Saturday my husband’s grandparents take them for the day to their house. They have little going on in their life, and have said to me that their only joy is having the grandchildren, both under age 5, to visit. They also have a son who lives at home, who has an alcohol problem, as in, every weekend he binge drinks himself into a stupor, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. But we have just found out that this son, who is in his early thirties, is also a regular visitor to brothels. It makes my skin crawl to even say it. He has a very secretive personality, we only found out by chance, but it’s definitely going on. As I said, he is secretive about everything, his work, everything - I would wonder if he is even taking drugs, but have no evidence that he is.
The parents have swept his drink problem under the carpet for over a decade now. The family are very bad communicators in general. But the thought of my children going there every weekend for a day visit creeps me out now because about half the time he is there. I know that being a regular with brothels does not make him a paedophile, but I just get this feeling that if he has crossed the line of what is acceptable already in this domain, I just do not trust him near my little girl. Maybe society has made me hyper paranoid about this, maybe the 2 are completely unrelated.
So, if I tell the parents who have no idea (my husband absolutely won’t because he knows this revelation would destroy them), it would be like throwing a grenade into the family. I honestly don’t know what reactions would be and fear there could even be violence, or the son would want to “get” me for revealing his secret. I would be genuinely fearful. At the same time, I don’t have excuses I can dream up every Saturday to end the visits, and have no other reason to stop them - there are no local clubs here I could enrol my kids in or anything. Plus the grandparents have always made it clear to me that they don’t like visiting the grandchildren here with me around, they want to bring them to their house - they have consistently pushed boundaries in this respect, it’s as if they would rather parent my children in this rosy little world they have created with them, and pretend their own dysfunctional family is ok, rather than parent the problem under their noses. They did not make much of an effort parenting their own kids as in spending time with them, I know this for a fact, and it’s as if MIL is making up for lost time, in some strange fantasy world where she can be a mother again, and often displays what I can only describe as ownership of my children. Not healthy obviously.
As I’m on these boards so often, I know you guys are great at advice, how do I proceed here please? I don’t want to be in a situation where something happens and my first reaction is, why didn’t I act, nor do I want to be in the middle of WWIII and accused of over-reacting. If I knew for definite he was on drugs it would be much easier to put my foot down because then my husband says he would intervene straightaway and disclose everything. Would there even be a way of engineering a situation where they could find out abotu his habits without me being directly implicated?
Thanks and God bless