Are angry/hateful thoughts against Jesus always a sin?
This is something I struggle with greatly because of OCD. Let me explain:
my OCD makes it difficult to trust God. When I read my Bible, I am often in an anxious state of mind, and this anxious state of mind does not trust anyone, especially not God. It wants to trust Him, but feels it cannot lets it’s guard down, or else God will kill me or throw me into hell when I’m not ready. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s the truth. It’s like I’m totally irrational, and near inconsolable.
Sometimes I have irrational doubts about Jesus, too. Doubts that say, “what if Jesus is really of the devil/evil?? What if He’s trying to trick us all into believing in Him??” In a healthier mindset, like right now, I can completely disregard these thoughts as crazy, but in the moment they seem very real.
So, back to my original question: When I’m in this anxious mindset, this very fear-driven mindset, I sometimes get angry at God/Jesus. I get frustrated, and I think things I don’t really mean in the heat of my anger/fear. Sometimes, the things I say in my head are very rude, like accusing Jesus of not caring, or saying that I wish He hadn’t risen at all, or that (in my worst state of mind) I would kill Him if I saw Him, so He couldn’t kill me first. It’s all in a very damaged/fearful state of mind, and I don’t plan on thinking these things, nor do I mean them. I logically know I would never, ever kill anyone, ever, especially not my God who wants nothing more than to help me. But these thoughts pop out, and they cause me to feel very horrible, sometimes even like I’m about to die under the weight of how horrible they are. I don’t know why I think them, they just kind of…happen. And then I wish I could take them back, because I don’t mean them, at all!!
So, my question: would these thoughts be considered sinful, considering all of the above factors?