Please answer this as if you were either spouse. If you and your spouse are having an argument and your spouse said to you: ‘I ought to beat the **** out of you’. And your 10-15 year old children were there and listening. Neither spouse had ever said anything like this to each other before. Should you take this as a threat? How should you respond? If you objected to the comment, but no apology was given, how would you respond? Thanks for any responses.
Those words are totally inappropriate and should never be said to a spouse (or anyone).
I would demand an apology for myself and my kids, and I’d demand that my spouse reassure the kids that he didn’t really mean it. (Of course, hopefully we wouldn’t be having such a fight in front of our kids in the first place.)
I hope no one actually said this to you.
I would ask them to leave the house and if they refused I would leave with the children. After things calmed down (in a day or two) I would discuss steps for counseling. Although, I would not let my children be in an environment where words like that or marital arguments are done within their hearing.
I agree totally… how sad.
I would also recommend marriage counseling or a retreat.
My husband would never say anyththing like that to me. I don’t say that to be non-responsive or argumentative. I say it because I can’t imagine any woman being weak enough to stay in such an environment, much less expose children to such ugliness in their own home. I’d already be gone…not sure a “man” like that is capable of being turned around with counseling.
I agree. I would demand an apology and would leave with my children if my spouse seemed like he was going to act on those words.
It is hard to formulate an answer without more information.
A one time happening is not something you should over react.
Sounds like someone who is frustrated in communications and is using an outrageous statement in hopes of being heard.
When things are calm what was said should be addressed without accusation. Tell them how you felt not what you think.
Since this was a first occurrence, if the guy’s record is good, then something may be wrong other than that he’s just an abusive jerk.
I would not “demand” an apology. That’s just putting screws on the relationship. That is not to say that I think this is just something that should be endured.
I would wait until the temperature drops enough for a ratonal conversation (not more than a day) and tell the guy how threatened I felt, how hurt, and how appalled I was that this happened in front of the children;I would ask him to apologize to THEM.
I would not make a Federal case out of it, but I would make it clear that this is not going to happen again.
I know a woman whose husband was always threatening to leave her, calling her a parasite (because she only worked part time), and drank too much. One day, when he threatened to leave her, she looked him straight in the eye and said: "OK. Try it. Just think about what the settlement would look like for a marriage of 18 years with three kids. You’ll be living in an SRO for the rest of your natural life.
That was the last time he ever threatened to leave. Fast forward 10 years: he has become a model husband.
Agreed. I’d have taken the children and walked right out the door then and there.
*I say it because I can’t imagine any woman being weak enough to stay in such an environment, much less expose children to such ugliness in their own home. *
I was that weak woman…When angry words are repeated enough, in weakness they can be believed.
Now that I have a backbone, I can say whichever spouse speaks like that doesn’t deserve the other.
Could not have said it better myself.
You do not want your kids to think this is acceptable speech.
First off I hope whoever this is being said too is safe and loved.
This is an IMMEDIATE call for run and don’t look back.
It is a warning once it has been verbalized believe me, it has been running through the mind and as the old saying goes never dismiss the words nor try to argue with a drunken or angry man.
I would demand and apology and have a a little savings started and an emergency exit plan. No matter how much you love someone beatings are NOT part of the deal.
PS I know way easier said than done.:shrug:
I don’t think anyone can demand a sincere apology…sincere apologies come freely, without coercion. I would probably leave for the evening, and take the temperature of the situation the next day. I dated an abusive guy before my husband, and some people think that women are weak who remain in relationships with people like this, but really the word is confused and afraid. Not weak. I would say that if I had to do that experience over again–I would have left the second the verbal abuse began. People don’t just flip and say outrageous things…I think that if nothing is done, no counseling, just an idle apology, and the woman goes on with life–it will happen again. Maybe it will get physcial eventually. Verbal abuse usually leads to shoving, etc…then hardcore physical abuse. Thankfully, I got out of that relationship before it got that bad…but I just wanted to add my two cents…
I have been telling my daughter…the minute a man verbal abuses you, shoves you, etc…(never mind hit!)…end that relationship. My husband always adds…‘and don’t forget to tell me about it.’
I think that a man telling a woman…‘i’m going to beat the **** out of you…’ if more than ‘angry words.’ It’s not normal to react that way to someone you’re married to…no matter what that person could have done, those words will never be warranted.
So true Sharon…hope you’r having an awesome day
I am thank you–hope you are, too.:tiphat:
Interestingly the OP went to pains not to id the sex. Everyone here has assumed it is the husband. Also the statement has been changed from I ought to to I am going to.
Perhaps the fact that so many have said they would leave shows why the divorce rate it so high.
I would take a time out. With the kids. I would speak privately with the person and state straight up that I will not ever be threatened again, and state that I did consider that a threat.
This can be a tip of an iceberg…I know, I 've been there.
Male or female, those words do not come from a loving spouse. Period, AMEN. That is a big red flashing bullhorn of a warning.
Did anyone say divorce? One can separate to be safe, check your Catechism.
Anger can produce the most awful things. Forgiveness produces the best. It was out of character but yet it is advised to throw in the towel. It was only words without context. I see frustration others see what society has programmed them to see. It seems an over reaction when it was an aberration in the relationship.
Well personally… knowing my personality… one of 2 things would happen… either I would laugh and ask him and whose army… or I would have made a comment I would later regret and stormed out the door with the kiddos… it could go either way with me… I am truly warped and bizarre.