Annoyed about marriage and sex rules


#1

Hi,

I am in a bit of a bind. My wife and I just had our first child (daughter) in May and we are very happy- there is of course some stress but things are great overall.

So the situation is that I don’t want any more kids. I think one is enough and that having a small family will best fit with our life situation, in so many ways. My wife says she wouldn’t mind having another child but isn’t really committed to it. In any case she has little or no opinion though she does say that she thinks that children can do best with a sibling and that when we die she is afraid that our daughter will be alone.

So my wife is Catholic but not against birth control (no need for for preaching here :)) but does not want to take Birth Control because she says she doesn’t like taking pills and thinks it gives her side effects.

I do believe that birth control is wrong- well I don’t necessarily agree but I won’t break the rules bying doing it. I also can’t do coitus interruptous because that is also a sin.

My wife is 36 and breast feeding so I know we are likely safe now but she also says she will not do NFP because it is a lot of time and effort and she doesn’t believe it works that well. She also has very irregular periods. She also has high protactin levels which also lessens fertility.

She my situation is that I am just hope that her age, plus her irregular periods, plus the prolactin will make conception unlikely.

This is an annoying position to be in for me. Of course if we do have another child I will accept it as a gift from God with love but I REALLY don’t want another kid.

Any help sans fierce doctrinal apologetic sermons?

Thanks,
Jeremy


#2

My advice is read this amazon.co.uk/Good-News-about-Sex-Marriage/dp/0867166193/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255036559&sr=8-1

Seriously-- no preachy sermon, just read that and you’ll suddenly be excited about stuff rather than bored or frustrated! :wink:


#3

Since your wife doesn’t like birth control pills… why don’t you use condoms. You said you both have agreed to use birth control. Or… get yourself fixed. I am serious.
Why does the woman always have to be the one to use birth control? The estrogen in the pills are dangerous and can create cancer. Why should she be the one to suffer?
I am annoyed at your rules.LOL. PEACE


#4

To bring a child into this world and deliberately withhold siblings from her is the most self-centered thing I can think of. You should not have had any children at all.
That girl will have no one to count on when the times are tough.


#5

My ONE regret in life is that I did NOT trust God enough and NFP worked way too well. One child is a lonely lonely kind of parenting.

Don’t sin, learn NFP, trust God and allow more love into your house.


#6

I am not going to disobey the Church. Some of this is out of fear. I know that APPARENTLY the Church is right. I am an educated and curious guy so I do not just accept some doctrines outright- however I am not going to commit mortal sin. I will accept them out of fear.

I am well aware of the church’s reasoning behind birth control. I do not necessarily believe that CI Coitus Interruptus is a mortal sin but like I said I will obey. I understand that much of the sin behind CI or the sin of onan has to do in that we are supposed to be open to contraception with the act. By doing as I am I am only obeying the minor nature of the sin of Onan i.e the spilling of seed, but ignoring the REASON for the sin i.e. that one does not want kids.

Does that make sense?

Given the factors I have listed above that relate to a reduction in fertility do you guys think that the possibility of contraception is reduced significantly?

Sorry about the lack of clarity I am caring for the baby so. . . .

Darn- see I even put my first name above- I didn’t mean to do that. . .


#7

That’s the kind of responses that I find unhelpful and I hope that the more strident CAF can either be constructive or post nothing. Again I wont even read these responses. So to those who only have hammers in their toolbox- I don’t need it. . .

Thanks- I wish for a supportive and engaging conversation.


#8

well first of all… coitus interuptus is possibly the WORST form of birth control there is, having a negligable effect on likelyhood of conception, since the sperm that are present before full ejaculation are QUITE enough to cause pregnancy… . so if you were going to consider BC (and i dont suggest it) that one should be last on your list.

personally?
NFP doesnt really involve that much. while it is going to be a bit more involved because of your wife’s irregular periods… it will not be that difficult. i suspect your wife has heard a lot of the exaggerated rumors…
and given your wife’s fertility issues you are so blessed to have a child at all.

i will also state, frankly, that caring for two children isnt that much more work or anything than one… especially if you are frugal and shop Goodwill and etc for kids clothes (honestly they outgrow them so fast, dont spend serious money on them) so if you do end up with another child, i dont think it would impact your life much more.


#9

Hey Feanor2, I am sorry for what I said to you but I did open your eyes to how wrong it is for your wife to take birth control pills. You both need to try the natural birth control method that Catholics use. Even with irregular periods it does work for most people.

My good advise is to abstain from sex for as long as you can so your wife can peacefully finish breast feeding the baby. You may want to go to a gym to exercise more to take away the need for sexual exercise.lol. I am sorry I have a sense of humor. But I think it will help you about thinking about other things to keep you busy.

I do feel sorry and compassion for both of you because you both want to be good Catholics. You have your sexual needs that may not be fulfilled for awhile but your wife does want another child in the future.

My advise is leave your wife be…you know what I mean. Enjoy the company of your baby and maybe you will be inspired to have more children in the future.

When I had my first son I loved him so much that I was afraid of losing him to death, so I had a second son to keep him company.
I wasn’t aware that in my future that my second son would die at the age of 32.

So we really don’t know what our future holds for us. All we can do is to stay in God’s grace and do our best to be good Catholics.PEACE


#10

as an aside…
the old wives tale that you cant get pregnant while breast feeding is just that… an old wives tale.

while you are less likely to get pregnant while breast feeding, for most women… i know several kids born owing to the parents thinking they didnt have a possibility…
and for some women, breast feeding actually seems to stabilize some hormone issues, which may increase the odds of fertility.

just suddenly caught the line “we dont have to worry about it right now”


#11

Sorry honey…Your wife HAS an opinion, I think you need to not make any major decisions right now, Not in the throws of new parenthood. If she is irregular, and Bfing right now, is not the time for decisions, but you need to be open later that your wife really may want another child, but does not want to upset you. Table the discussion for a much later time, Pray for this time, and let the Holy Spirit work in your lifes.


#12

The Billings method is very easy to do, and accurate enough for you, all things considered. She can know that she is fertile by the presence of a kind of mucus that has the same texture and consistency as the raw white of an egg. If the mucus is not present, she is safe to have sex that day or evening. If it is present, then she should abstain, unless she is wanting to get pregnant. The longest I’ve ever noticed it present is 3 or 4 days. Since her cycles are irregular, this might actually be the only system that will work for her. To communicate with you about what’s going on, you could work out a system of signs - for example, if she collects decorative candles, she could put certain colors out at certain times of her cycle.

There is also a charting system with Billings that allows you to observe your cycle over a period of months, to see whether there is any cyclical repetition of any kind (for example, your wife may be on a three-month cycle without realizing it - this would help her to be able to predict ahead of time when she is likely to be fertile or not.) She can just set up her own chart and just observe her symptoms day by day, and use whatever system of marking makes the most sense to her. She wouldn’t have to buy the special Billings charts or the special stickers, unless she wanted to.


#13

Feanor, everybody has given you some great advise. Try to remember before you got married and how you were able to not have sex because you were able to abstain by doing some fun active activities.

I have heard of women having an unwanted child because it was born too soon and had to be breast fed at the same time as the first baby. That happened to someone I know in my life. But that child grew up to be very financially successful and now takes care of his old mother.

I was an unwanted child and sufferred because of my mom not wanting me. I am an old lady now and I am the one out of all the siblings who takes care of my mother.
But God and my angels and saints have been with me all of my life…and it was because of them that I survived and have had a successful career and have done well in life. PEACE


#14

I apologize again for the incorrect punctuation in my above posts.

I do feel that I am trying to do the right thing in obeying the Church’s teachings. So is this mucus all the way at the cervix or is it just in there so to speak? My wife states she has small hands and that when the doctor checked her cervix through the pregnancy and delivery it is painful. Perhaps she can work on this and at least reduce the chances somewhat.

If I am practicing the faith I do not feel that choosing to have one child is inherently inferior to having more than one.

Thanks for everyone’s responses. If it happens it happens. . . .


#15

I hear you about the side effects of birth control. It’s really nasty stuff, and I can’t imagine why any woman would want to take it that didn’t deperatly need it for therapeutic reasons.

Anyway, NFP really is your safest bet. There is a sympto-thermal method that can be used which works great for women with irregular cycles, and has a VERY high rate of success (as high as artifical birth control, if its done right.) It does require some work as far as taking your temperature daily, and tracking on a calendar, but it’s SO worth it.

I would highly reccomend not doing anything permanent (tubal ligation, or vasectomy) because while there is a chance they can be reversed later, it’s not worth the risk. You feel like you don’t want another child right now, but you can’t guarantee yourself that you’ll feel that way a few years down the road. Never seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

As for using other forms of birth control, I would also advise against it. They are a pain, and expensive. Not to mention the moral implications of it all. I have several protestant friends who have used all the various different kinds of birth control out there, and now MOST of them have switched to family planning, and they LOVE it. Across the board! You have a higher sex drive, it’s essentially FREE, and highly effective.


#16

Some types of NFP require cervix checks, some internal mucous observations and some are all external, there are monitors and temp models - do the research.

Google…

Billings
STM
Creighton

Those should get you started.


#17

I agree. You may want to forgrt about birth control and look into your priorities. They seem to need a little TLC

ATB


#18

This is helpful. I will check into it and find something that is acceptable to my wife and then just see what happens. Like I said she already has some factors limiting fertility so IF something does happen then it would be a minor miracle!


#19

The Creighton Model uses mucus observation on toilet tissue, and does not include checking cervical position. That may be more to your wife’s liking. It’s easy.

And, the Marquette Model is based on Creighton, but they add a fertility monitor (ClearBlue Easy) which might add more confidence for your wife.

I think what God asks of us is that we be open to possibilities. Right now you firmly believe you don’t want another. All you are called to do is revisit that decision periodically. If your wife brings up wanting another one, don’t say “we already had this discussion.” Instead, revisit all the reasons you had and see if they are still valid. They may still be valid, or you may find you have warmed to the idea of a sibling for your child.


#20

I say this to you two in all kindness:

You don’t know all the intimate details of this poster’s life. Because of this, I think its best that you don’t make judgements on his or his wife’s priorities or call them selfish. This is not helpful to his situation.


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