Another baby!!!


#1

I just found out that my soon to be ex-husband got his w_ore (I know…uncharitable…I don’t much care right now) pregnant again :banghead:!!!

Oh, it just makes me so mad:mad:, and what’s worse is I don’t know what I’m mad at…the fact that she’s pregnant or that I even care!!!

Why is this happening, I thought I was doing pretty well at not caring what he was doing, at not letting anything he did or didn’t do get to me:banghead: :dts: !!! I hate this!!! I also don’t understand why it would bother me so much, any ideas?

It really shouldn’t bother me because I also found out that he’s been seen with other women…he has other girlfriends, always has…ooooo, why am I so bothered…help, please!!!


#2

Maybe you’re worried about the baby who is an innocent in all this? Maybe you’re also concerned about this other woman because you don’t want her to get hurt like you did? Anger, more often than not, comes from fear. Fear for others, fear for oneself.


#3

I am not concerned one bit about this other woman, she knows exactly what she was getting into when she got involved with my husband…she got pregnant the first time knowing he was married to me, she was seeing him for a year knowing he was a married man…she didn’t care about my family. She deserves everything she gets!!!

I think I’m upset because of the loss of my baby girl, I don’t know what it is…thanks for your response, I don’t think you know my story, it’s much more complicated than just this. And I’m not quite sure what I would be afraid of.


#4

How ironic! I remember your history with him, Lexee, and I can’t help but think what goes around comes around (for his girlfriend). This woman can’t feel very special carrying his child when he has other girlfriends on the side. I would also guess he didn’t plan for her to get pregnant. Be glad you are away from that craziness. Prayers for you.


#5

Lexee,

I’ll say a little prayer for you. Maybe it’s a feeling of being replaced, including your little baby? I understand that you don’t want him back, but maybe it’s like he’s just blithely moving on and getting all the same “stuff” back and he doesn’t deserve it?

I’m lucky that my ex and his bleep are in another state and I don’t have to see anything even if I say I don’t care. We say that but it’s probably impossible to just switch off years of feelings for someone.

It’s also just another reminder of the betrayal, when you really wish the whole awful thing would go away. And, like you say, you’re mad at youself for even getting mad!

Do more for yourself, get lost in something you’ve always wanted to do and put off till now. One day you’ll look around and realize you REALLY don’t care what mess he’s currently into.


#6

Sorry, I hadn’t kept up with your posts. Probably shouldn’t have answered then. Sorry.


#7

That’s okay, I think I am just on edge and apologize if I didn’t sound like I appreciated your post. Something is going on with me, just don’t know what it is, I don’t like feeling anything when it comes to him and his women. I don’t like that he can still get to me that way, not that he’s trying to, I just don’t understand my reaction to this news and I don’t like it!!!


#8

Lexee
I think what you’re feeling is totally normal. Here you were pregnant with a daughter your ex couldn’t care less about, now he’s having a baby with his hottie. Not to mention that you are coming up to the year anniversary of Fatima’s death. Even after 15 years, the anniversary of Anthony’s death makes me a little nutso. I find myself getting snippy with everyone.

He’s getting what you wanted. A baby, someone to share the baby with…a “normal” life. All of which you got cheated out of. Some of which was his fault, some of it, in all fairness, was not. No matter how you stretch it, Famima’s medical situation was not the fault of your ex. Although I know how hard it was to go through that entire pregnancy and the afterwards alone.

The chump just keeps getting to go on his merry way, having sex with whomever he wants, having babies with them along the way.
It stinks. ( would have used another term, but this IS a Catholic forum, after all.)

I know how hard the first anniversary is Lexee, I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Just try to take comfort in the knowlege that your treasure is in heaven.

Arlene


#9

Ugh. All I can say is that I really feel for you. As for why it bothers you… it’s because it isn’t fair, of course. Often when we legitimately want certain things, in a morally correct context… God in His all knowing goodness decides weren’t not to have them. And–as Arlene said–it’s difficult to watch people (especially people who seem so much less deserving) receive the very blessings you wanted for yourself.

You’re going to be in my prayer intentions. I can’t even imagine the awful feelings you must be going through with this latest blow.

Incidentally, I know a woman who has been through problems uncannily similar to what you’ve endured in the past couple years. She divorced some 15 or so years ago, and remarried several years after that. Her ex is still stringing along handfuls of women at a time. She just rolls her eyes now and says, “I’ll just never understand this.”


#10

I’d be mad too. That man is your child’s father. You want the best for your child, and he isn’t it. I don’t know a thing about your story other than what I’ve read here, but I know that’s how I would feel. You had to be happy and excited to give your son a sibling, and now that’s been stolen from you twice over, first in loosing your little girl, and now by someone else having a half brother or sister with your ex. I can’t imagine how frustrating that must feel.

You really have to pray for him and for this woman. The anger is going to rip you up, so you have to combat it with prayer. It will make you feel better, and it’s what Christ asked us to do. I’ll pray for you as well, as I know that it would be one of the most difficult things in the world for me to pray for people who had caused me to suffer the way these people have caused you to suffer. Meditate on Christ’s passion. Those who crucified Him, He prayed for, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” Pray this to yourself over and over along with, “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.” Use it as brain static. Try to focus on Christ. And kiss that baby boy of yours as much as you can. Pray for your son to do and know better than his father does.


#11

I’ll second this advice. Praying along these lines helped me a lot last year and the year before.

Also (this is more light-hearted, but it helped me)… do you ever listen to CCM? I really liked the song “Million Pieces” by the Aussie Christian band Newsboys when I was going through all my biggest troubles with my ex. It’s on their album Thrive, and it’s about letting go of the things that worry us, placing our burdens in Jesus’ hands. Anyhow, obviously there is more serious devotional material out there that covers the same topic, but I find music can be more cathartic sometimes.


#12

Lexee, they say it takes about three years to get over a divorce. (It took me about 6!) And you have had adultery, death of a baby, his mistress having a baby, and a divorce to contend with. Thats more than what most people have to deal with all at once! It would have to be very normal to feel such anger.
Her baby lived, yours didn’t. She was the adulterer, you were the wife. She was sinning, you were not.
You are the more deserving of the good things, but God is choosing to let you suffer.
Maybe to teach you forgiveness, real forgiveness from the heart. If nothing else, I would pity them both for the empty, selfish lives they are living. No good can come of it, unless they see the error of their ways.
Be thankful that it’s not you in that mess anymore.
It is completely normal to feel such anger. You have been betrayed in a terrible way. The best thing you can do is get an annulment and put him and his mess behind you.
You will always be the one better off. But try to forgive them both… they know not what they do.
God bless, you will be in my prayers.


#13

Look at it this way…he’s someone elses headache now.
Kathy


#14

Have you done any reading about grief? It sounds funny, but you might have big increases in your emotions around anniversary times…plus there are “mini” anniversaries at 3, 6, and 18 months. After my separation and divorce, every time I felt awful and couldn’t figure out why, I’d cound back on the calendar and sure enough, it was once of those times.

Then you can at least say “oh, it’s just because of the date, I’m not really going crazy again!”. :smiley:


#15

Lexee, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I went through something similar recently. I found great comfort in Psalm 37. It speaks of God’s judgment on evil doers and his rewards for those who seek Him and put their trust in Him.

Here is one translation:

Psa 37:1 Of David. Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers!
Psa 37:2 For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.
Psa 37:3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Psa 37:4 **Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psa 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.
Psa 37:6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. **
Psa 37:7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!
Psa 37:8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
Psa 37:9 For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.
Psa 37:10 In just a little while, the wicked will be no more; though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
Psa 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace.


#16

You come across as a kind, sensitive person.

On some level, I bet you care about the innocent child who will be born into a less than ideal situation. No matter who the parents are, that’s a child who needs love. —KCT


#17

Hey, if you have time, would you mind going into a little more detail regarding what the books say about grief and anniversaries? I’m around the anniversary of a couple tough events in my life and am very curious what the experts have to say. TIA! :slight_smile:


#18

Lexee,
I think it’s totally normal to become emotional when you learn about what your ex is doing, who he’s impregnated, etc…

Is there any way you can just move far, far away so you don’t need to hear about these things and be sent on an emotional roller coaster?


#19

Sweetie, you are human. No, it is not fair that she gets to have two babies, while you lost yours. There is no explanation on this earth. I would be angry and upset, myself, after all you’ve had happen to you.

But whoever wrote that your ex is her problem now…That’s a good thought to keep.

He’s no longer your problem, and neither are his nasty ways.


#20

A book I highly recommend is “Life After Loss” by Bob Deits (published by Fisher Books, I bought mine on Amazon). He spends several chapters talking about the timeline of grief and I can’t explain it as well as he does. He’s a pastor who runs grief support groups for people around the country, and he has first-hand experience with losses like most of us do. Many of the things he covers are also available on internet sites, I’m sure. Maybe Google “grief recovery” or “grief timeline”.

He says the first 3-6 months after a major loss can leave you totally exhausted because your body is actually using most of it’s resources on emotional things. The 12-month anniversary is easier to understand…you’ve been through all the major holidays without your spouse/parent/job/pet/friends…whatever/whoever you lost. In my case I noticed the anniversary of my separation very acutely because it fell on Palm Sunday. I totally fell apart in church that week and later realized it had a lot to do with my divorce and not “just” the Passion readings. Also, the time of year is familiar…spring, the smell in the air is similar, the flowers are doing the same things as they were this time last year.

Deits claims that 18 months can also be bad, and that some people may feel the pain is starting all over again. I don’t totally understand it, but it seems we get excited about passing the one-year mark and think we’re done, then grief sneaks up on us again.

2 years and 3 years are the last big milestones.

The book is very readable, costs about $15 paperback. I recommend it to everyone I meet who has experienced loss through death or divorce (they’re more similar than we realize)…divorce is the death of a dream and a family. He also helps you through some really good exercises like writing a letter to the person/thing you lost. They may seem silly at first reading but I did them and boy, did they help. Some brought up tears but it was stuff I needed to get out so I could move on.

praying for you,


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