I am sure you have seen many like these but now its happened to me. My boyfriend just ended our 3 year relationship last night and I am devastated. First off, I am 27 and he is 31. When we first met and began dating he wasn’t a “full fledged Catholic.” He was in Freemasonry, and did not make his confirmation. After we began dating, which was a lovely romance of flowers, poetry and lots of courting, we talked a lot about marriage and six months later he was confirmed Pentecost 2014.
Anyways, he, Evan Is a very intense person, very intellectual and took St. Augustine for his patron. He did a lot of study and reading to connect with the faith. So we have had some issues in the past, very lustful and giving into temptation and worked so hard to overcome that. And so he has been discerning where his call to the Church life is. For a while he thought maybe the diaconate, which of course I was gung ho about.
Time goes on, and this past year has been tough. There’s just no spark in a lot of ways. I felt I was the one pursuing him, and I’ve told him. I even almost fell for someone else and I felt ashamed and guilty of it. I spoke to my spiritual director for while on that. Several times while in deep prayer I felt so strongly towards Evan and never gave up. But close to 3 years and everyone wants to know where the ring is.
More recently, Evan finally found a spiritual director and things changed. Our arch vocation director changed this year and was able to meet with Evan and then things started to shift. I was so afraid for so long that he would find a spiritual director and then boom here it is he wants to be a priest. I wasn’t searching for the most “intense” catholic or anything because I didn’t think this would be a possibility. But here it is.
I’ve wanted nothing more than to be married and have a family with him. And even up to a couple weeks ago he was asking me why I want to be married, but it felt like interrogation and that none of my reasons sufficed. When I asked about if he even really wanted to get married, his response was something like yea why else would I ask.
Then last night (as you can see im doing my best to give an overview), he comes over so we can talk about whatever and then drops this bombshell on me about how this hurts him and he loves me and he knows he hasn’t been able to give me what I need. And he says he was told by voc dir. that if he applied to the seminary for the fall he thinks evan would get in. So here I start balling my eyes out, and he continues that he’s been praying and fighting against what he wants (marriage, me) and what he think his calling may be. If he doesn’t do this he will be wondering the rest of his life.
So here I am a mess. And he tells me how I am a big part of this, I asked if he ever met me would this have happened and the answer was probably not.
I love the man so deeply. I never felt for anyone the way I had him. And he’s has a few very long relationships and I had unfortunately too many short lived and friends with benefits relationships, so I am not a novice at all this. Each time I found someone I felt like I was closer to living out the relationship God wants and being with the one. And I was truly convinced it was him. I had prayed several times during adoration, during my re-consecration to jesus through mary… it felt so sure, the signs pointed to him, I felt at peace when I asked am I meant to be with Evan.
So here I am… in my one BR alone… back to the way it was before I met him, Except his hand print is on everything… to the play station he gave me, the bike he bought me, all the pictures of us, gifts from Italy, jewelry, clothes, rosaries, my record player and most of my vinyl. He almost bought me a guitar last year… but even to the chapstick I use. I mean so much of him is engrained in my life now… I can’t bear this pain. I don’t want to let him go I am not ready and I cannot accept.
I told him I need to talk to him again because last night was mostly him and then me balling my eyes out. I wasn’t in a state to ask intellectual questions.
So basically, besides comfort I just don’t know what to do. I know to pray. But now I can’t look at priests the same thinking someone I love and who was intimate with at one point, who I know so much about could be up there and one day be my boss (I work in ministry). I don’t feel comfortable with that. And I certainly don’t want to be with anyone else no matter how good looking I think Albanian men are… I want Evan I want him and that’s it no questions.
I know to pray, I know im supposed to accept especially we are all support the priesthood, but please anyone but Evan. I love him. But I can’t let go.