Another newlywed question...since you are all so amazingly helpful here! :)


#1

Hey everyone,
I first want to thank everyone for their earlier support I received a couple months ago about my first year of marriage being so incredibly tough since we were so opposite. Your responses really helped me value our marriage and take the right steps to building a foundation. We've gone to a counseling session and the counselor really helped us realize that we need to respond to each other in a way that means more to that person, instead of responding in a way that you yourself would like a response. In other words, when you have a conflict, voice it in a way that makes sense to them...not you.

After that session, we really tried hard (we fell back a couple times) and it really made such a calm endearing period of marriage, which was a great relief and we are very happy. I've also started taking medication to help with my hormonal issues with PCOS and I'm sure that has helped as well.

Though this past week (it is that "time of the month", so this may be magnified from the hormones), I've fell back into the old way, worrying about everything he does (I got upset with him one day, since he thought this funny video I showed him was not funny at all, hence starting the old worrying I had that we weren't that couple that loves everything together). It worries me, since I feel like I've lapsed again this week, criticizing what he does and what we do together in my head. I know it's also especially hard, since my two closest girlfriends are single, recently got out of long relationships and they keep saying how glad they are to be out of a relationship, because their former significant others didn't share their interests, or that the relationship was too much work to be worthwhile. It really hurts, since our relationship takes a TON of work, and we are opposites the majority of the time.

What tips or suggestions do you have to help me get through these rough patches of relapse? One thing I do that has helped me is to read the thread I had before on here and remember the support I had and how I wasn't alone in this situation. I've also prayed and it calms me temporarily, but I need more suggestions to help me out!

Also, as I mentioned before, he has a humor that loves to be sarcastic or tease me sometimes and this week it has been driving me up the wall. I take it personally and I feel like he isn't supporting me all the time, so that has brought me down a bit. I do realize that his family ALWAYS jokes like that, so it's natural to him that he thinks it's funny, and I think its funny on my good days. But it can wear me down sometimes, when I just want him to act more supportive and not make everything a negative joke. Any suggestions on how to bring this up to him without feeling like I'm criticizing him once again or not accepting him for who he is?

Thanks everyone!


#2

Think of how happy you are that he isn't a crabber on the Bering Sea. Or that he doesn't teach people how to skydive without a parachute.

You will quickly appreciate what a great situation you have!

[Unless he actually is a crab fisherman on the Bering Sea or actually does skydive without a parachute!:blush:]

[Actually, those guys know what they are doing and have few fatalities! :thumbsup:]


#3

GoodHusband and I are very happy. 22 years and we're more haappy than ever.

i think wooday allen is a hoot. he loves clint eastwood movies. sometimes we just dont watch the same movies. sometimes, but not always. and when we do watch movies together, i can thank him for his gift of company when it's woody allen and he can appreciate my happy attendace couch-side for clint eastwood.

as for gal pals, they can break up with guys all they want, can't they? but you don't have a significant other. you have a husband, a spouse with whom you formed an unbreakable union till death do you part. ( unless we are in danger and spouse causes exreme hardship,) GoodHusband and I and you and your GoodHusband are obligated to go above and beyond. we're required to give a hundred percent to make it work.

the best thing i have ever learned to do when i have misused GoodHusband in any way is to say, "I was wrong. please forgive me."

then the act of forgiveness and reconciliation requires BOTH of us. me to ASK and he to FORGIVE.

and i learned that from my GoodHusband.


#4

I say you should just keep slogging along, trying every day to do your best, and working very hard to maintain the balance that you learned about from your counselling sessions.

There's a hymn that we sing in Mass that a lot of the CAF posters hate, but I actually kind like it, especially one line: Love isn't just for a day.

You have, hopefully, 50 years or more to learn to be a wife to this man, and he will learn to be a husband to you. It takes that long to get it right, and even then, you will still be working at it.

There are a lot of skills, especially communication skills, that are necessary to be a good married couple. It sounds like you have learned some of these skills from counselling sessions. I suggest that you keep learning more skills that help you both to communicate better with each other and treat each other better. I know that counselling is expensive. You could ask your counsellor to suggest various books that you can check out (for free) from the library and read about marriage skills. Or you could find a mentoring couple in your parish and ask them to teach you how to be a good married couple.

One suggestion that I have for your husband--and please, tell him to read this--is to completely lose the sarcasm and teasing forever unless he is a cartoonist, and then he should confine his use of sarcasm and teasing to his cartoons. No matter how witty and clever he thinks it is, it isn't. Sarcasm and teasting are totally stupid. Not funny at all. Everyone else thinks he's stupid, too, but they don't love him enough to get upset and start crying over it like you do. If people that he works with could say to his face what they honestly think, they would say that he's a dumb dimwad, and that he should lose the sarcastic comments and the annoying teasing.

So yourview 1's husband, starting right now, stop saying sarcastic things and teasing comments forever. If you are tempted to say something sarcastic, go get a knife and hold it up to your wife and see how she reacts. THAT'S what sarcasm feels like. It feels like someone is cutting deep into you and making you bleed and eventually die. If you continue making sarcastic comments and teasing your wife and then telling her that she's a stick in the mud when she doesn't think it is funny, you will kill her spirit with your cruel words, and then you will be married to a zombie, a woman's body with no spirit. It will be your fault for killing her spirit.

OK? Do you understand now, yourview 1's husband? Good man. Good luck with your new resolution to stop being sarcastic. I think you'll find it gets easier because you'll see that your work associates will start trusting you more and being friendlier with you, and your wife will feel like a princess and that means she'll treat you like a prince.


#5

Hi :
Go to another Catholic web site www.mej.com , and order the book "How to Change your husband" and give this a chance...
It's a book for both Catholic women and men to read.
Patrick


#6

My husband and I are very different. He loves Star Wars. I prefer Legally Blonde. He likes to go hiking. I prefer the mall. He stays up late. I get up early.

Just because you are married doesn't mean that you have to do EVERYTHING together or like the same things. Couples like that creep me out. You are still two individual people.

Just remember that there are days you probably drive him crazy too. I've used the days when my fuse seems really short to practice that whole "count to 10 before you say anything" skill. Sometimes I say something snarky, but usually whatever is upsetting me passes before I open my mouth.

My husband and I have a great marriage, but I'll be darned if last night I didn't want to tell him to shut it! It happens. I count to 10. I move on.

Oh, and my husband can be a little sarcastic and tease-y too, but usually only in private. I just roll my eyes and shoot right back! Then we both end up laughing.


#7

[quote="yourview1, post:1, topic:206568"]

Though this past week (it is that "time of the month", so this may be magnified from the hormones), I've fell back into the old way, worrying about everything he does (I got upset with him one day, since he thought this funny video I showed him was not funny at all, hence starting the old worrying I had that we weren't that couple that loves everything together). It worries me, since I feel like I've lapsed again this week, criticizing what he does and what we do together in my head. I know it's also especially hard, since my two closest girlfriends are single, recently got out of long relationships and they keep saying how glad they are to be out of a relationship, because their former significant others didn't share their interests, or that the relationship was too much work to be worthwhile. It really hurts, since our relationship takes a TON of work, and we are opposites the majority of the time.

[/quote]

I agree with monicatholic in regards to what she says about your friends. They are getting out of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, they are NOT in a Sacramental marriage and you have to remember that. If talking to those friends makes you doubt being married to your husband, I suggest spending less time with THEM.

[quote="yourview1, post:1, topic:206568"]
Also, as I mentioned before, he has a humor that loves to be sarcastic or tease me sometimes and this week it has been driving me up the wall. I take it personally and I feel like he isn't supporting me all the time, so that has brought me down a bit. I do realize that his family ALWAYS jokes like that, so it's natural to him that he thinks it's funny, and I think its funny on my good days. But it can wear me down sometimes, when I just want him to act more supportive and not make everything a negative joke. Any suggestions on how to bring this up to him without feeling like I'm criticizing him once again or not accepting him for who he is?

Thanks everyone!

[/quote]

My husband is the same way! Well, I am too! I love it...but right now I'm a ridiculously hormonal, 2 days past my due date pregnant girl and sometimes I don't handle it well. :o It happens. My suggestion, based on what my husband and I do regarding this same thing, is to just try to communicate it. The FIRST time he cracks a joke and I'm not prepared to handle any more, I tell him "I know you're just messing with me, but I don't think I'll handle it well/respond well today, can we leave these jokes for a bit?" And sometimes I have to remind him, but usually by the time I have to remind him, I'm past being emotional about the responses. Hope that helps! :)

[quote="Cat, post:4, topic:206568"]

One suggestion that I have for your husband--and please, tell him to read this--is to completely lose the sarcasm and teasing forever unless he is a cartoonist, and then he should confine his use of sarcasm and teasing to his cartoons. No matter how witty and clever he thinks it is, it isn't. Sarcasm and teasting are totally stupid. Not funny at all. Everyone else thinks he's stupid, too, but they don't love him enough to get upset and start crying over it like you do. If people that he works with could say to his face what they honestly think, they would say that he's a dumb dimwad, and that he should lose the sarcastic comments and the annoying teasing.

So yourview 1's husband, starting right now, stop saying sarcastic things and teasing comments forever. If you are tempted to say something sarcastic, go get a knife and hold it up to your wife and see how she reacts. THAT'S what sarcasm feels like. It feels like someone is cutting deep into you and making you bleed and eventually die. If you continue making sarcastic comments and teasing your wife and then telling her that she's a stick in the mud when she doesn't think it is funny, you will kill her spirit with your cruel words, and then you will be married to a zombie, a woman's body with no spirit. It will be your fault for killing her spirit.

[/quote]

Cat, I think this part of your post is ridiculously harsh and uncalled for. There are A LOT of people that enjoy sarcastic/teasing humor, clearly you don't...that's fine, but to tell someone to change their whole personality is really ridiculous. It's obvious that this isn't the type of person that you would befriend, also OK, but obviously the OP was attracted to that part of his personality in some way because you don't get married to someone if you hate their basic personality. And, really quite unfair to say he would be "killing her spirit..." I'm just really bothered by the whole gist of your entire post, and find myself hoping you aren't being sincere in it. :(


#8

Thanks everyone for the responses, some were very informative, some were eye openers, and some were great and silly (that’s you, Monte RCMS)! :slight_smile:

I will definitely remember to count my blessings and always think of how lucky I got to get a man loving and caring like my husband, PLUS I’m not up all nights scared for his safety, like I would if he was a “crab fisherman on the Bering Sea” :stuck_out_tongue:

[quote="monicatholic] as for gal pals, they can break up with guys all they want, can’t they? but you don’t have a significant other. you have a husband, a spouse with whom you formed an unbreakable union till death do you part. ( unless we are in danger and spouse causes exreme hardship,) GoodHusband and I and you and your GoodHusband are obligated to go above and beyond. we’re required to give a hundred percent to make it work
[/quote]

Thanks so much for the encouragement in that department, it’s tough, because honestly, Hollywood has told us that you need to meet Superman to be happy and do everything together til death do you part. And sometimes I fall for that, especially if my girlfriends are re-enforcing that ideal, by saying their failed relationships “weren’t meant to be” because of the guy’s opposite personality, etc. I need to remind myself that I’m not perfect either, but my husband still worships the ground I walk on, would do anything for me, AND accepts me for me completely even when it’s tough. I need to return the favor and stop being swept away by these movie romances and understand what a catch I have and how much I love him for him.

[quote=Cat]I say you should just keep slogging along, trying every day to do your best, and working very hard to maintain the balance that you learned about from your counselling sessions.

There’s a hymn that we sing in Mass that a lot of the CAF posters hate, but I actually kind like it, especially one line: Love isn’t just for a day.

You have, hopefully, 50 years or more to learn to be a wife to this man, and he will learn to be a husband to you. It takes that long to get it right, and even then, you will still be working at it.
[/quote]

Cat, very well said. I’m a very emotion-driven person, while he is logic-driven, so sometimes, when I don’t feel it 100%, I get worried that we are doing something wrong or something terrible is going to happen to our relationship. But in those times, I’ll try harder to see past the ups and downs of my “love” feelings and realize that love is not just the butterflies you feel in your stomach, it’s about dedication, commitment and caring for that person no matter what.

As for the suggestion about the sarcasm, I think it may apply to someone in a different situation, especially if they are feeling like they are being emotionally abused, but my husband’s humor isn’t so bad that it makes me feel that way. As I stated earlier, I actually enjoy it majority of the time and it isn’t his only humor (he’s also goofy, silly, clever, etc), but sometimes it really drives me up the wall and I know if I told him to completely stop, that would be more hurt than good, since I want him to know that I love him for him. Also, just so you know that he isn’t one of those terribly sarcastic people, his co-workers all love him and invite me and him out whenever they get the chance, so it definitely isn’t something debilitating socially. But I understand what you were getting at, even though it isn’t particularly for our relationship.

[quote=padonne]Hi :
Go to another Catholic web site www.mej.com , and order the book “How to Change your husband” and give this a chance…
It’s a book for both Catholic women and men to read.
Patrick
[/quote]

Thanks Patrick, I’ll take a look, although the title scares me a bit. I definitely don’t want to change my husband completely, or he wouldn’t be my husband. I just need a way for us to slightly compromise for each other…

Jea, that helps immensely. I’ll definitely use that in the future, and I think it’ll end up being a good compromise for us both, setting a clear line of when I enjoy it and when I don’t, especially due to hormones and the daily routine wearing down on us both. That way, I still feel like I’m not changing him at all, just letting him know when I need him to respect my wishes for the time being. It’s funny, but when you are inside the relationship, sometimes you can only see drastic steps to resolve something, but then when someone outside of the situation suggests something simple, it’s a complete eye-opener. Thank you! :slight_smile:


#9

[quote="financemom, post:6, topic:206568"]
My husband and I are very different. He loves Star Wars. I prefer Legally Blonde. He likes to go hiking. I prefer the mall. He stays up late. I get up early.

Just because you are married doesn't mean that you have to do EVERYTHING together or like the same things. Couples like that creep me out. You are still two individual people.

Just remember that there are days you probably drive him crazy too. I've used the days when my fuse seems really short to practice that whole "count to 10 before you say anything" skill. Sometimes I say something snarky, but usually whatever is upsetting me passes before I open my mouth.

My husband and I have a great marriage, but I'll be darned if last night I didn't want to tell him to shut it! It happens. I count to 10. I move on.

Oh, and my husband can be a little sarcastic and tease-y too, but usually only in private. I just roll my eyes and shoot right back! Then we both end up laughing.

[/quote]

Counting to 10, I will definitely start using it! Something simple, yet I'm sure works wonders! :P But I get what you mean with doing separate things. I do go out with my girlfriends for lunch and he goes out to poker night with the boys every so often, which is great, but lately, we've been working so much that when we get home, we stay in and do things together, like watch movies, etc. It's great quality time together but it also may be fostering my idea that we need to like everything together as well, since we do it so often. This raises a completely different issue that I hadn't noticed til recently. As ironic as it may seem, although I worry when he doesn't enjoy the same things I do, I do want him to get out and do more on his own, since recently, I've felt a teeny bit smothered. I'm crazy, right?

Here's some background. He has had anxiety issues since before we started dating that make it difficult for him to stay calm in crowded places with people everywhere (i.e. the grocery store, a concert, even movie theaters sometimes). I've been helping him with that and that probably made us even closer when going out to do things together. Plus, ever since we started dating 3 years ago, we've been inseparable and we are never afraid to hug, hold hands, or kiss in public (tastefully, of course). It's been very fulfilling, and I love that he loves me this way, but I also want a balance were we are able to go out with friends and socialize separately and rejoin at the end of the night, for instance.

The problem is,recently, he has overcome most of this anxiety with my help and is able to handle more situations now, but the habit is now formed that we need to do everything together, even when he doesn't need me to stay calm. So I guess we are that creepy couple that you are talking about :P

Sometimes I wish he could go get the groceries once in a while without me having to be there or go out and enjoy a hobby on his own and I can do the same more often. Don't get me wrong, we do those things every so often, but not nearly enough and I want to do this more so we can interest each other more when we return home, instead of the same old routine. But he's already told me that he feels like we are not spending ENOUGH time together lately and I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to get rid of him, I'm just trying to compromise...

I hope this makes sense, just wondering if you have any more input on this, possibly a good compromise or way to slightly change the habit, without losing the closeness that we do have. Thanks again!


#10

I'm glad you're getting some perspective. I just want to add some more. ;)

My husband and I spend nearly all of our free time together, we are best friends, and I don't think it's "creepy". I think the creepy is the people who can't even be away from each other for a few moments at a social gathering. But, the whole idea of getting married is to spend your life with someone, so it's not a bad thing to want to be together when you aren't working or otherwise engaged. That being said, while we do have A LOT of common interests, there are still things that one of us enjoys that the other does not. Sometimes (like monicatholic suggested...she's pretty smart, you should listen! ;)) it's sacrificial and a way for you to show your love for him or vice versa. My husband HATES history and the like, but I really find it interesting and love going to the museum. When he's willing to spend a day doing that with me, then I know he's not doing it for the enjoyment of the activity, but to spend time with me. Sometimes we sit at the dinner table, both with our laptops open, doing completely separate things, we're together but still involved in our things. Does that make sense?

There's a healthy balance for each couple I think, and you just need to find it. It was easy for us because we do have a lot of common interests, but I'm sure it's tough for a lot of couples and I'd hate to see you go from one extreme to the other.


#11

[quote="Jea9, post:7, topic:206568"]
I agree with monicatholic in regards to what she says about your friends. They are getting out of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, they are NOT in a Sacramental marriage and you have to remember that. If talking to those friends makes you doubt being married to your husband, I suggest spending less time with THEM.

My husband is the same way! Well, I am too! I love it...but right now I'm a ridiculously hormonal, 2 days past my due date pregnant girl and sometimes I don't handle it well. :o It happens. My suggestion, based on what my husband and I do regarding this same thing, is to just try to communicate it. The FIRST time he cracks a joke and I'm not prepared to handle any more, I tell him "I know you're just messing with me, but I don't think I'll handle it well/respond well today, can we leave these jokes for a bit?" And sometimes I have to remind him, but usually by the time I have to remind him, I'm past being emotional about the responses. Hope that helps! :)

Cat, I think this part of your post is ridiculously harsh and uncalled for. There are A LOT of people that enjoy sarcastic/teasing humor, clearly you don't...that's fine, but to tell someone to change their whole personality is really ridiculous. It's obvious that this isn't the type of person that you would befriend, also OK, but obviously the OP was attracted to that part of his personality in some way because you don't get married to someone if you hate their basic personality. And, really quite unfair to say he would be "killing her spirit..." I'm just really bothered by the whole gist of your entire post, and find myself hoping you aren't being sincere in it. :(

[/quote]

Yes, I meant it. Sarcasm is a way to insult people and make them feel stupid and ugly and inferior. It's a form of "one-upping." It gets old really fast, especially when someone is emotional. If two people are equally strong emotionally, or if they have Hollywood writers or Shakespeare scripting all their dialogue, then they can have fun together exchanging witty sarcasms. But when one person is a strong personality, and the other is more fragile, sarcasm can be crushing.

The OP's husband needs to learn how to be funny without being sarcastic. It doesn't mean changing his whole personality. It means exchanging a bad habit for a good habit. There are a lot of people, including Christians, who are very funny and they manage to be funny without hurting or belittling people.

I personally think it's sad that we have gotten to a place in our culture where people think sarcasm is funny and harmless. I personally think that many relationships and families, especially children, have been destroyed by constant sarcasm and insults. Try sarcasm around an innocent child, and watch their little face crumple as the person they thought they could trust makes them feel like a stupid little idiot and then tells them, "Oh, honey, I was only teasing." No, I won't back down on this one. I think that we should do as Jesus says, and let our yes be yes, and our no be no, and we should not attempt to be "clever" in our conversation and in the process, make someone else feel un-clever.


#12

[quote="Cat, post:11, topic:206568"]
Yes, I meant it. Sarcasm is a way to insult people and make them feel stupid and ugly and inferior. It's a form of "one-upping." It gets old really fast, especially when someone is emotional. If two people are equally strong emotionally, or if they have Hollywood writers or Shakespeare scripting all their dialogue, then they can have fun together exchanging witty sarcasms. But when one person is a strong personality, and the other is more fragile, sarcasm can be crushing.

The OP's husband needs to learn how to be funny without being sarcastic. It doesn't mean changing his whole personality. It means exchanging a bad habit for a good habit. There are a lot of people, including Christians, who are very funny and they manage to be funny without hurting or belittling people.

I personally think it's sad that we have gotten to a place in our culture where people think sarcasm is funny and harmless. I personally think that many relationships and families, especially children, have been destroyed by constant sarcasm and insults. Try sarcasm around an innocent child, and watch their little face crumple as the person they thought they could trust makes them feel like a stupid little idiot and then tells them, "Oh, honey, I was only teasing." No, I won't back down on this one. I think that we should do as Jesus says, and let our yes be yes, and our no be no, and we should not attempt to be "clever" in our conversation and in the process, make someone else feel un-clever.

[/quote]

:shrug: To each his own I guess. I personally think that a big part of what's wrong with society is everyone's need to feel coddled and be petted and told what a good job they're doing all the time. I still find your comments to be too harsh in that the OP CLEARLY married a guy with this as part of his personality so it must be something she enjoys to a point. If that's not something that you enjoy, you wouldn't spend time with that person and that's OK.

Again, I gave my own experience and what's worked for my husband and me. Communication is what's important. Not changing parts of your personality.


#13

I have to agree with Cat....sarcasm is just a passive agressive way of insulting someone.

It isn't the same as being witty

sar·casm (sär'kăz'əm)

n.
1.A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.2.A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.
3.The use of sarcasm. See synonyms at wit1.
[Late Latin sarcasmus, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein, to bite the lips in rage, from sarx, sark-, flesh.]

Let's look at the origin of the word.


#14

Then I would suppose that most of the time when I use the word “sarcasm” or “being sarcastic” I mean witty. In most cases when I say someone is being sarcastic (whether this is myself, my husband, or some random acquaintance) I do not mean that the person is being insulting. Perhaps this is where the confusion is lying with regards to this word? :confused:


#15

Put up with him/grow to love him - until you have kids. Then you will have less of a problem with his differences because you will see so much of him in them. Grow to accept - even enjoy his humor - or lack of. Dwell on the good. About 10 or 20 years down the road you two will slowly realize you are becoming a lot alike.

Also remember that not everyone has the same sense of humor. I love to make my wife laugh - she has a great laugh, loves to laugh and I happen to be a pretty funny guy. I, however, am not as much of a laugher.

Prayers for both of you!


#16

[quote="Jea9, post:14, topic:206568"]
Then I would suppose that most of the time when I use the word "sarcasm" or "being sarcastic" I mean witty. In most cases when I say someone is being sarcastic (whether this is myself, my husband, or some random acquaintance) I do not mean that the person is being insulting. Perhaps this is where the confusion is lying with regards to this word? :confused:

[/quote]

I think it's possible that perhaps you are mixing up "satire" with "sarcasm?"

Satire is funny when it's done well. Sarcasm is always nasty. Think of Don Rickles--do you honestly think he's funny? How would you like to live with someone who called you a "hockey puck" or a "yo-yo" all the time, and then accused you of being a party-pooper if you don't think he's hilarious?

Certainly if it's an inside, private joke between two close married people, it might be funny. But I don't get the feeling that the OP and her husband are close and have little intimate jokes like some married couples do. I get the feeling that she is walking on eggshells all the time and blames every little problem on herself, not her husband.

These are the OPs own words, from her 1st post in this thread:

"Also, as I mentioned before, he has a humor that loves to be sarcastic or tease me sometimes and this week it has been driving me up the wall. I take it personally and I feel like he isn't supporting me all the time, so that has brought me down a bit. I do realize that his family ALWAYS jokes like that, so it's natural to him that he thinks it's funny, and I think its funny on my good days. But it can wear me down sometimes, when I just want him to act more supportive and not make everything a negative joke. Any suggestions on how to bring this up to him without feeling like I'm criticizing him once again or not accepting him for who he is?"

"driving me up the wall"

"I take it personally and feel like he isn't supporting me all the time"

"that has brought me down a bit"

"I think it's funny on my good days"

"it can wear me down sometimes when I just want him to act more supportive and not make everything a negative joke"

The OP is actually asking how she can bring this up to him without feeling like she's criticizing him or not accepting him for who he is. THIS tells me that she is afraid of him--he will not listen to what she is expressing, mainly that she feels put down by his "humor."

A wife should feel comfortable bringing up anything around her husband, even his bad habits, and vice versa. Instead, this dear woman is trying to figure out how she can align herself more with her husband's "humor."

That's just wrong. She needs to tell him to grow up. Just because his whole family are Don Rickles wannabes doesn't mean that she has to put up with it.

Let's put this in different terms. Let's say that a husband has a certain technique that he uses during sex, and he thinks it is wildly pleasurable for his wife. But in reality, it hurts her. Should she just let him continue "being himself?" Or should she speak with him in a supportive way and ask him to please not do this technique anymore? Obviously she should ask him to stop, right?

But what if he refuses to stop? THAT is what it sounds to me like what this husband is doing. He may think it's all very funny, and perhaps other people in his family or circle of friends think he is funny and that the wife is being too sensitive. Well, that's the way SHE is, and it's not right of him to expect her to put up with his bad.

One of the ways that a marriage can become stronger is when BOTH spouses are willing to give up things for their partner for no other reason than that the partner wishes. Obviously this can go too far--yes, a person can be forced by an abusive spouse to give up things that they love for no reason, and even to sublimate their personality. But that's not what I'm talking about.

What I'm saying is this: the husband's humor is hurtful to his wife, who is struggling with emotional fragility. Therefore, the husband should give up his propensity for sarcasm and teasing, just because he loves his wife and wants to please her. He can learn other forms of humor that do not hurt her and make her feel cut down.

Perhaps in the future, as the couple becomes closer and better bonded, the wife will be able to learn to tolerate and perhaps even enjoy sarcastic comments and teasing. But for now, she can't handle it. The marriage is being weakened by his "humor," and he should take note and cut it out.


#17

I think this thread is getting kind of derailed. I can see that the dictionary definition of sarcasm says that it is intended to wound, but in common usage of the word, people mean something more like being ironic or simply witty. That may be a departure from its etymological meaning, but it is now part of the word’s connotation. There is a BIG difference between the kind of humor it sounds like the OP is referring to and the rude, insulting, mean jokes that the word “sarcasm” etymologically means.

If the OP usually enjoys his “sarcasm” then he is probably not saying nasty, cutting things to her. This sounds to me more like one of those little things that you normally like about your spouse, but drive you up the wall when you’re cranky. For instance, my husband is not very physically demonstrative or cuddly. That’s simply part of his personality and it’s part of what I love about him. However, when I’m having a bad day and really want a hug, it does aggravate me that I have to ask him for it. The difference isn’t in him, it’s in me, and it’s up to me to express that frustration and get him to hug me!

Yourview, I think you’ve gotten some really great advice already on this thread! As for your latest question, if you think you’re spending too much time together and he thinks you’re not spending enough, then you two need to sit down and talk about it! Obviously, you need to make sure to broach the subject in a non-aggressive way, avoiding scary phrases like “I need more space”. Perhaps you could bring up a discussion of what, exactly, each of you wants to get out of spending time together, and how you can better achieve both of your goals?
FWIW, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your husband to be able to go to the store without you, or have more hobbies. That seems normal and natural. However, since he has anxiety issues, I think the way to achieve this is less by directly encouraging him to get away from you more often, and more by making sure that he is fully satisfied with the time you already spend together, so that he will be strengthened and encouraged to go out and conquer the world.


#18

I knew a woman, now deceased, who constantly referred to her husband as "a lazy good-for nothing". He had an extremely physical, very demanding and dangerous job. And one day he was killed on the job; crushed to death.

I always wondered if her constant belittling just wore him down until one day he got careless or inattentive.

Maybe she thought she was being "cute", but she had a reputation for self-destructive behavior that would come back to cause her harm and THEN she would expect sympathy. For example, she would brag about her money [she really didn't have anything except a widow's pension from her late husband's employer] and one day people broke into her house and stole what few valuables she had including some family photos. She expected sympathy for the break-in.

These verbal assaults are so corrosive to a marriage [or any relationship, including a job situation, or a parent-child relationship] that they sow long-term lasting damage.


#19

[quote="Monte_RCMS, post:18, topic:206568"]
I knew a woman, now deceased, who constantly referred to her husband as "a lazy good-for nothing". He had an extremely physical, very demanding and dangerous job. And one day he was killed on the job; crushed to death.

I always wondered if her constant belittling just wore him down until one day he got careless or inattentive.

Maybe she thought she was being "cute", but she had a reputation for self-destructive behavior that would come back to cause her harm and THEN she would expect sympathy. For example, she would brag about her money [she really didn't have anything except a widow's pension from her late husband's employer] and one day people broke into her house and stole what few valuables she had including some family photos. She expected sympathy for the break-in.

These verbal assaults are so corrosive to a marriage [or any relationship, including a job situation, or a parent-child relationship] that they sow long-term lasting damage.

[/quote]

Amen.

What a tragic story.

If dropping the use of teasing and sarcasm in favor of kind, encouraging words is changing a personality, then AMEN, let the personality be changed! That is the whole point of being a Christian--to become more and more like Jesus Christ, Who is Love Incarnate. We are supposed to be losing our sinfulness and becoming perfect, free of sin, a saint, not just in heaven, but on THIS EARTH. To lose sin is not to lose part of personality, but it is to GAIN part of our personality--the God-Image part of us that was damaged by sin. Amen and Amen--let my "personality" or at least that part of it that is sinful be GONE! I pray for that to happen daily.

Here's what the Bible says: "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear...and be kind to one another..." (Ephesians 4: 29, 32a)

THIS is our standard for speech towards one another. I don't see a place for teasing and sarcasm in these verses, and there are many more verses about speech between believers in the Bible that are consistent with these verses.


#20

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