Another one about relationships


#1

Okay, :smiley: it’s me! I know what you guys might be thinking… “Oh no!” hehe, just kidding. :stuck_out_tongue:

I met this guy online (yes, this is where you guys say “OH NO! Not again!”), on Myspace.com to be more precise. He lives about 45 minutes away from me, and he is also more my age- 21, I’m 19. We actually just met online yesterday afternoon, but we have really hit it off, and want to meet in person sometime soon. What is your take on this? Do you think that my dad would be okay with this? It of course, would take place in a public place… :o


#2

[quote=Firebug]What is your take on this?
[/quote]

Be optimistic, but be prepared. I suggest you run a background a criminal background check.

In Colorado (where I live) anyone can do this cheaply. It’s only $6.85 per check.
cbirecordscheck.com/Index.asp

Check the bureau of investigations in your state. Don’t go through a private company, they just charge you more for a report of public information.

Anyone who has a teenager would be wise to check out their son/daughters dates first.


#3

I agree with the advice you were given by Semper. I do have to add, I did this once…the guy was not what he appeared…he was a total flake in the end so please be careful. Definitely meet publicly several times before dating him. I really like the background check thing but that won’t tell you everything you need to know. Things like his mental stability are important…wish I had a way to check on that before I got involved with the guy I did. At least be smart about it and if anything doesn’t seem right, get the heck out of Dodge! Best luck to you!


#4

Be EXTREMELY careful. The internet is becoming the number one way for predators to select victims. Being a father, I can honestly say that I think your father will not be happy. One question. Why the internet? There are plenty of youth groups, clubs, etc… where you can meet people up front and in person. You will also start off with at least one thing in common since you both arrived at the same location. Whatever you do, good luck. I would not meet him alone, always meet in a public place, do not let him know where you live, and under no circumstances should you go to his place. Take a friend with you and make it a double date, that way you are safe, and you can find out what two other people think of him.


#5

why not bring your dad to the first meeting, if the guy is legit he should have no objection, and if he plans to ask you out again he certainly should meet your father first.


#6

Thanks you guys! :slight_smile: I actually intend on talking to him on the phone first, and since I’ve never dated before (homeschooling made it hard to meet anybody), I wouldn’t know how to ask if I could call a guy (and then it’s long distance…but really shouldn’t be- I live just a little far away, I guess :rolleyes: ), so I want to do this, but am nervous on how it would work. :o


#7

[quote=Firebug]Okay, :smiley: it’s me! I know what you guys might be thinking… “Oh no!” hehe, just kidding. :stuck_out_tongue:

I met this guy online (yes, this is where you guys say “OH NO! Not again!”), on Myspace.com to be more precise. He lives about 45 minutes away from me, and he is also more my age- 21, I’m 19. We actually just met online yesterday afternoon, but we have really hit it off, and want to meet in person sometime soon. What is your take on this? Do you think that my dad would be okay with this? It of course, would take place in a public place… :o
[/quote]

It’s also important to keep in mind the religious side of things. If your faith is important to you, and if you’re curious to meet someone with the hope that you might find a man worthy of marrying, it would then seem important to know whether or not the man in question might be Catholic.

Serving God together is something very important for ensuring that a couple is able to serve each other in marriage, and both being Catholic is nearly always essential to that.


#8

Oops! I thought I said something about that… :o He is a catholic, but doesn’t go very often…But I suppose it’s a start! :slight_smile:


#9

[quote=Firebug]Thanks you guys! :slight_smile: I actually intend on talking to him on the phone first, and since I’ve never dated before (homeschooling made it hard to meet anybody), I
[/quote]

If I were looking for a reason not to homeschool you have just given it to me. If you have never dated before, the place to begin is not the internet, it is settings where you meet, in person, young people of your own age, men and women.


#10

Hi Firebug! :slight_smile:

Boy, do I know where you’re coming from. I’m 20 and was homeschooled too. My parish doesn’t have many young people and my college youth group left something to be desired. So I joined Ave Maria Singles after I finished my freshman year at college. I met lots of nice Catholic guys that way–even had a courtship with one for awhile.

I think it’s great that you’re trying to find a good man to marry, but it’s so important that he be serious in his Faith. I’d suggest keeping everything to a chat level and use that as a way to see if he can grow in his religion. Don’t feel pressured that you haven’t met anyone yet and that if you let this guy get away, you’ll be single forever. :wink: God doesn’t work that way–if this guy is the man He intends for you, it will all work out. Pray and guard against getting emotionally attached to this guy until he becomes a serious Catholic.

And definitely involve your parents as much as possible in this–including meeting him for the first time with your father at your side (or is it your father meeting him with you on the sidelines :smiley: ). Let your father read over what he’s written–his profile or whatever. He will be a much more impartial judge that we daughters will ever be.:slight_smile:

I wish you the best!

God bless,

Marian84


#11

[quote=puzzleannie]If I were looking for a reason not to homeschool you have just given it to me. If you have never dated before, the place to begin is not the internet, it is settings where you meet, in person, young people of your own age, men and women.
[/quote]

I amend my advice…internet is not the place to find a first ever date! Try someone at your church…volunteer for something and you will find someone there that you know is active in their faith. Make sure to introduce him to your parents before you date him.


#12

BlestOne, Thanks for the suggestion. I have tried looking at my church, but I haven’t really seen anybody my age there that I don’t already know, and I’ve tried befriending them, but we’ve just been so different.

Puzzleannie, I graduated highschool already anyway, so what’s done is done, and I’m glad it was done this way. I had more time to devote to learning about the Catholic Church and also to my education. I was not preoccupied at all. :)The acquaintances that I have met at church are both from the male and female genders, and it’s not that I’m just looking for guys…

Marian84, finally, somebody that’s in the same boat as myself! I myself, am a person who would prefer a Catholic (it’d just help so much), but am open to any religion. Right now, he and I are just in it for a friendship, but we have discussed and wondered why the other was single, so I feel it could turn into one of those relationships.
Also, it wouldn’t surprise me if we have passed each other on the street (or in a store, you get the idea), because I go where he lives once a week or more. Thanks agai! :smiley:


#13

[quote=puzzleannie]If I were looking for a reason not to homeschool you have just given it to me. If you have never dated before, the place to begin is not the internet, it is settings where you meet, in person, young people of your own age, men and women.
[/quote]

Home-schooling lasts until age 18. I went to a rather nice private school until the age of 18. I did not meet many Catholics there, nor did I meet anyone that I would have considered marrying (as if I should have been considering marriage at that age!). I did meet many girls in High School who would have been willing to engage in activities that would have compromised my morals.

I did meet a girl that I could consider marrying in college, however.

I am not really sure why not having dated anyone before the age of 18 is a reason to forego homeschooling, since the age, pressures, and pool of candidates to which the young person is exposed are not conducive to any sort of marriage-oriented (or even chaste) dating.


#14

[quote=Firebug]BlestOne, Thanks for the suggestion. I have tried looking at my church, but I haven’t really seen anybody my age there that I don’t already know, and I’ve tried befriending them, but we’ve just been so different.

Puzzleannie, I graduated highschool already anyway, so what’s done is done, and I’m glad it was done this way. I had more time to devote to learning about the Catholic Church and also to my education. I was not preoccupied at all. :)The acquaintances that I have met at church are both from the male and female genders, and it’s not that I’m just looking for guys…

Marian84, finally, somebody that’s in the same boat as myself! I myself, am a person who would prefer a Catholic (it’d just help so much), but am open to any religion. Right now, he and I are just in it for a friendship, but we have discussed and wondered why the other was single, so I feel it could turn into one of those relationships.
Also, it wouldn’t surprise me if we have passed each other on the street (or in a store, you get the idea), because I go where he lives once a week or more. Thanks agai! :smiley:
[/quote]

Here is something to consider, and I hope that I don’t sound stodgy. I was your age not too long ago, and so I understand what you’re feeling, to an extent. Hearing the following from a priest changed my entire approach to dating:

“Dating is for courtship; courtship is for marriage; marriage is for salvation.”

I realized that I could only marry a woman who saw marriage as an embrace of the cross of Christ, a path of both joy and suffering, of both virtue and repentance, and a path fundamentally oriented not toward some ephemeral “personal fulfillment” but to true fulfillment through mutual service and a focus on the kingdom of heaven. These sound like high words and wouldn’t matter in practical life, but they are immensely practical. Consider what effect one’s view of sacrifice has on a relationship: is it an annoyance, a failure of the other partner to give me what I need, or is it rather an opportunity for me to serve Christ by letting go of something non-necessary that I wanted?

Project this thirty years into the future and you can understand why religion becomes more than a “help” but rather the center of one’s life. That doesn’t mean that “Catholic = OK”. It means that only someone who wishes to embrace the cross in marriage is OK.

This is something to keep in mind. At first it sounded to me like it would be so limiting as to prevent me from finding anybody. Later, I realized that it was so clarifying as to permit me to identify the person that God might send me with much greater ease than I might otherwise have experienced.

Pray for guidance to God, and I wish you many blessings in your search for the mate that He has selected.


#15

Dear Christina,

I don’t want to sound like a broken record and I most certainly don’t want to offend you, but I just want to say that someone who has lost her mother so recently must be very careful when discerning new relationships, especially those possibly romantic in nature. Losing a parent at any age is a profoundly difficult experience, but at your age it is especially excrutiating. It doesn’t take merely a few months to heal, but often it is a very long journey.

Sometimes there is the temptation to fill the emotional void left by the loss of a mother with the hope of a new love relationship. Even though it isn’t the same sort of love, it can distract from the pain or emptiness that is there.

Choosing to enter into a dating relationship with someone is a big step. Because of the emotional vulnerability that is present, with or without your direct consent a very big emotional attachment can develop due to the other needs you have which perhaps are unmet, due to your mother being gone. In the ideal situation, the person you are dating understands the psychology behind the loss you’ve experienced and also pairs this with a deep and devoted faith in God and the Church.

It is imperative for you as a young Catholic girl to hold fast to the upbringing your mother afforded you and the values she instilled. Would she want you settling for someone who might be very interesting but perhaps is incompatible with the faith life you have developed? You don’t want to start a relationship with someone whom you might get very attached to and then realize it can go no further because his faith hasn’t developed to a level you seek in a future husband. Don’t date someone you hope is different in the future, date someone whom you wouldn’t change a thing about!

Perhaps you should sit down and write a list of all the qualities you seek in a spouse. I’m not talking about overly specific physical attributes (like, “I want blond/blue/225/6’4”) but, “faith in God, devoted to following Church teaching, attends mass every Sunday, sense of humor, kind eyes, gentleness, honesty, loyalty, tall, likes to swim, is healthy,” etc. Next time you are thinking about whether or not someone is worth meeting or getting to know in a one-on-one setting, check him against the things you have objectively written out.

As for the internet…that is a whole different post. Just be very careful and realize that not everyone is honest nor pure about their agenda. ALWAYS speak with someone on the phone first (make sure YOU call THEM and use *67 to block your phone number from appearing on their ID) and discuss all of this with your father first. He should be aware of every meeting since you could potentially be in a dangerous situation.

I really hope you continue healing and think about giving the idea of dating some more time. God bless you!


#16

[quote=GeorgeSutton]I am not really sure why not having dated anyone before the age of 18 is a reason to forego homeschooling, since the age, pressures, and pool of candidates to which the young person is exposed are not conducive to any sort of marriage-oriented (or even chaste) dating.
[/quote]

I did not say date, I said meet young people of both sexes and form friendships, one of the primary puroses of adolescence is learning about friendship. OP said she had no friends her own age because she was homeschooled. Dating is for people who are ready for marriage, and 19 is pretty young for marriage.


#17

[quote=puzzleannie]I did not say date, I said meet young people of both sexes and form friendships, one of the primary puroses of adolescence is learning about friendship. OP said she had no friends her own age because she was homeschooled. Dating is for people who are ready for marriage, and 19 is pretty young for marriage.
[/quote]

Understood and agreed!


#18

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