Another question about attraction?


#1

Hey CaF-ers

I just have a brief 2 questions but I was wondering -

1.How important is attraction/chemistry in a romantic relationship? (usually, how strong does this have to be if that is the case)

  1. Is it possible to have a friendship with someone who wants a romantic relationship? But the other person isn't quite ready for it right now, due to timing and attraction. Or usually, in this scenario, does the friendship breakup altogether?

thanks,
Lenni


#2

Hi there! I’ll try to answer these the best I can, but keep in mind I’m sharing my opinion only :slight_smile:

  1. Fairly important. I don’t want to reduce a relationship to mere numbers, but I’m afraid it would help explain this. For me, physical features make up 50-60% of the reason I’m dating someone. The other 50-40% is intellect and all that entails.

  2. I think this depends on how patient and understanding the person who wants the relationship is. If it is infatuation, the friendship has a good chance of failing. But if the person who wants the relationship knows and understands what true love is, the friendship can survive.

Just my opinion :slight_smile:


#3

*Hi Lenni
From a womans point of view I can only say this. For me, attraction is not something I worry about. It's not even in my top 20 "requirements" for marrying a man. However, my boyfriend will tell you attraction is quite important (more of an imagine thing for him as well but, thats another story..--but there needs to be depth to that woman also). As a female, my top 2 things is that we have similar morals/values and financial security (very very important). I don't see anything wrong with that. Love for me, can grow with time. You can have chemistry with someone (which I believe is essential) without having to be extremely attracted to them. 2 very Different things.

As for #2...I think it will always be harder for the person who is attracted to you, to want to remain just friends. It is very difficult on them emotionally so I always give them time (a few months) until they move on and fall for someone else. I would avoid contacting them because its just putting someone in a situation of temptation.
*


#4

[quote="lenni, post:1, topic:229216"]
Hey CaF-ers

I just have a brief 2 questions but I was wondering -

1.How important is attraction/chemistry in a romantic relationship? (usually, how strong does this have to be if that is the case)

  1. Is it possible to have a friendship with someone who wants a romantic relationship? But the other person isn't quite ready for it right now, due to timing and attraction. Or usually, in this scenario, does the friendship breakup altogether?

thanks,
Lenni

[/quote]

  1. Depends on what you mean by attraction/chemistry. Is that a lusting attraction? Is "chemistry"a physical or sexual reaction? I think most people would say that physical characteristics do play some part in what they find attractive about their BF/GF/spouse. But judging a book by its cover may not be wise either. There is the inner person to consider.

  2. I would say it's difficult for the person who wants more to be patient and understand that the time they invest may be in vain. And hard for the person who isn't ready, not to use the person in love as a kind of back-up or insurance plan. The timing mismatch may be more of a personality or values mismatch in reality. I would usually advise the one who wants more to let go of it and move on. Unrequited love is painful and can be masochistic.


#5

Hello, Lenni.

  1. Attraction/chemistry is necessary, but you also need to consider what attracts you to someone because if your attraction is not ordered correctly, this could lead to harmful relationships, etc. For example, I consider my wife attractive, and that attractiveness, while based partly on physical appearance, is more largely due to the fact that we understand that our purpose in our relationship and marriage is to help the other reach Heaven. Her concern for me in this regard is what makes her truly attractive to me. I had dated other woman who the world might say are more attractive, but did not care for my soul the same way. In line with this, keep in mind that many times, attraction will grow as you get to know each other. So do not give up on a relationship too quickly.

  2. I think it is only fair to the one with the feelings that a friendship is pursued in a more group-like atmosphere. This will lessen the chances of that one feeling misled, as well as give you both opportunities to talk with other people if things start to get a little awkward. The friendship can work out, but may not be able to get as deep as other friendships.

Just my 2¢ :slight_smile:

Dennis


#6

In my opinion, the answer to both questions is no.

For the first question, you must make a distinction between desirable and necessary. Is an attraction, chemistry, or that feeling that you 'click' desirable? Absolutely, but that feeling may change or fade through the years, so I don't think it's necessary. In deciding to marry my husband, chemistry was between 0% and 5% of that decision. There were many things that made my case unique, but chemistry doesn't have to play a role in a successful marriage.

For the second question, I say no because I have been in both positions, and I don't believe a true friendship is possible from either side. The person with more romantic feelings will always want more, and the person with no romantic feelings will always feel pressure, even if there is no pressure. That said, an approximation of friendship may be possible if the person who is uninterested is not aware of the other's feelings, but those feelings alone make a true, equal friendship virtually impossible.


#7

Interesting questions. :)

1) I believe that a certain amount of physical attraction is necessary, but definitely not the only thing, nor the biggest thing. For me, there has to be at least a little bit of attraction, but it is definitely not the most important. I mean...what girl doesn't want her man to think she's pretty? The most gorgeous woman in the world and the most handsome man in the world could get married, and still not be compatible. Sooo many other things are vital to a relationship.

2) This, I think, depends on the people involved. I, too, have been on either side. The person with the feelings has to decide whether he or she values the relationship enough to move on. Some people find that extremely difficult to do. I've fallen for a friend (yes, I do find him kinda cute, but there are a great many reasons why I like him! :p faith-filled Catholic..funny..honorable..ok, I'll stop now :o), and I don't think that he returns the sentiment. I am thankful for our friendship, and I realize that he is an incredibly wonderful friend, even if we are never anything more. :) I do believe it depends on the people.


#8

[quote="lenni, post:1, topic:229216"]
Hey CaF-ers

I just have a brief 2 questions but I was wondering -

1.How important is attraction/chemistry in a romantic relationship? (usually, how strong does this have to be if that is the case)

  1. Is it possible to have a friendship with someone who wants a romantic relationship? But the other person isn't quite ready for it right now, due to timing and attraction. Or usually, in this scenario, does the friendship breakup altogether?

thanks,
Lenni

[/quote]

In my opinion

1) It's the most important thing. Bar none. Sure they're a lot of other factors; common interests, compatible senses of humor, etc; but if I'm not attracted to him, it's not gonna work.

2) I think it depends on hoe much the one person wants the romantic relationship. If they really want it, it's gonna be very tough if not impossible.


#9

[quote="Adam1986, post:8, topic:229216"]
In my opinion

1) It's the most important thing. Bar none. Sure they're a lot of other factors; common interests, compatible senses of humor, etc; but if I'm not attracted to him, it's not gonna work.

[/quote]

But what happens if and when that attraction (specifically referring to physical attraction) leaves? Wrinkles and love handles appear, things start to sag, people get into disfiguring accidents, etc. If the other aspects of a successful relationship are secondary, then there is a better chance the relationship will end (and end badly) when the physical attraction is gone. If those other things are primary, though, there is a much stronger and longer-lasting foundation. This does not mean that physical attraction is not important, it just means it should not be at the top of your list.

Also, if it is known to the other that you like them most because of their physical attributes, that can lead to them wondering what would happen if someone more physically attractive comes along? It leads to insecurity and a focus on not who the person is, but on how they look.


closed #10

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