What I’m having trouble with is anxiety and panic attacks. I had one so severe recently that I had to leave work early. I work 2 days a week, 12 hour shifts and I love my job. I really don’t think it’s work that’s flaring my anxiety. Nevertheless, I struggle on a daily basis with it. Some days I have to skip on errands I was planning or cancel a play date because I’m not up for it. I’m on medication for this and am generally fine with the way it’s being managed… (I don’t want more medication).
What I really wish I had was my husband’s understanding. I feel like I don’t. I almost feel like he cringes anymore if I’m crying over anything- even a panic attack. He has seen me cry over the way I feel about other people- like if I’m worried that I hurt someone’s feelings or if I’m sentimental about the kids he shows a hint of caring and will say something here or there. He won’t usually full on reach out and embrace me or comfort me. I’m not someone who cries all the time either.
Like when I had the panic attack at work- there were several co-workers there (all female) who showed such caring and compassion- rubbing my shoulder while I tried to gain some composure, getting me a glass of water, finding me a comfortable place to rest. My husband came to pick me up from work because I didn’t feel I could drive home and anytime we were in front of someone, he would touch my shoulder as if to show he cared but in private did not touch me once. Then once we were home, left me with a house full of kids to run an errand and then came home and went to bed to take a nap. I made him get up out of bed, but honestly- he made me feel like he just can’t see me or realize what I’m going through.
Sometimes I think that the way I have to bottle things up for his sake worsens my tendency toward anxiety. Him and I have been to counseling about our communication before and I felt that it was worthless because he acted like a perfect, wonderful gentleman in front of the counselor.
Are his actions a sign that he doesn’t truly love me?