Anxiety or Intuition: can't trust my fiance


#1

Hi all, I have been feeling uneasy about my fiance for a while. I feel as though my feelings are unwarranted but they keep coming to the surface.

I'm afraid I wont be able to trust him around children...like he may harm them somehow.

There was only a couple times where I felt like he crossed a boundary with children. The first time we were at a mall in the little kiddie section so we could allow my son to play. There was a little girl trying to go down a slide and much to my surprise, my fiance picked her up and helped her to go down the slide. After the second time of helping her, I could tell the girl's mom was uncomfortable because she called her daughter over to tell her not to go down the slide anymore.

The other time that made me uneasy was when we were at one of my sister's housewarming parties. My fiance took one of my nieces, whom he has only seen maybe once or twice before, onto his lap at one point and gave her a kiss on the side of her head.

I know these are just two incidents but I feel like they weren't appropriate.

Overall, he is a great guy to me. Treats me like a princess really :o.
The only issues we've had between us mostly had to do with physical intimacy (which I know is a pretty big deal). We had issues going on where I would say we could only go so far as far as showing physical affection goes, but then, knowing what my weaknesses were, my fiance would push (not in a forceful way) for more physical intimacy when the opportunity would arise. It wasn't until after I met with a counselor, that I was able to see the situation revolving more around poor communication rather than a problem with sex and I was more effective in speaking to my fiance about this issue. I have recently been able to finally stop committing unchaste sins, all by the grace of God :).

In case anyone is wondering my fiance is a baptized Catholic who hadn't attended Mass for several years until he met me. He is now going to be receiving Confirmation and First Communion this winter. We are also in the beginning stages of the marriage process. I am also pregnant if that is of interest to anyone :o

My fiance tells me everyday that he loves me and that he's willing to do anything for me. He has proved these words many times over by his actions. He also has never been weird around my son either...

...Which is why I feel absolutely horrible for feeling like he could be unsafe around children. I think I may be paranoid because when I read about the characteristics of people who typically harm children, "the experts" always say that a perpetrator could be anybody.

I think too that I am having a hard time believing that I have actually found a good man. I keep thinking this is "too good to be true." Please forgive me if what I am presenting sounds terrible :(

& thank you for your time, God bless.


#2

Find a trusted older person to discuss your feelings with, and pray to the Holy Spirit for discernment. Keep your eyes open. And do not get married to him unless your concerns are acceptably resolved.


#3

You are 21 yrs old and expecting your second child.
It seems to me you have enough on your plate without plans for a marriage -
esp marriage to a man you don’t necessarily trust around children.

I can only advise that you enter into some serious counseling.
Explore your “need to please” and your casual concern for the needs
of your children, because without a serious intervention and growth in
self-knowledge you might continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.

For example, how can you as a young mother ignore any
warning bells about a man who could be a risk to your children?
Until your life is stabilized wouldn’t it be best if you make good
decisions for yourself, your son, your expected baby and your parents?

God bless you and all good wishes for your and both little ones.
Your little ones MUST be your priorities for the next 20+ years!


#4

[quote="odile53, post:2, topic:252198"]
Find a trusted older person to discuss your feelings with, and pray to the Holy Spirit for discernment. Keep your eyes open. And do not get married to him unless your concerns are acceptably resolved.

[/quote]

Yes indeed.


#5

Trust your intuition.


#6

The two situations you mentioned might only be quite innocent. As one lawyer said., "It's not the bogeyman any longer, it's now the paedophile under the bed.' He said that even fathers are sometimes afraid to give their daughters a hug. All he did was to help a child on a slide.

I have a photo of my fiancé with my little sister sitting on his knee. We've been married many years and he is and always was incredibly honest and moral. He wouldn't hurt anyone, let alone kids. Your fiancé could have been moved by the the charm of your little niece, and the idea that she would soon also be his niece. A kiss on the side of the face is fraternal/paternal. Maybe children innocently touch his heart. It is sad that cannot be, without others being suspicious, but some men as well as women have innocent gentleness towards children.

My sons would be terribly hurt if anyone thought their kindness was misinterpreted. The other interpretation is that your fiancé is particularly good and kind with children. He may be the best of father material. Some of the loveliest photos we have are of our granddaughter leaning trustfully against my husband's chest during her childhood. My husband used to speak in a special voice to his little sister, an extra gentle one as if she were a princess. Maybe you are blessed rather than in any kind of threat to anyone due to your fiance's sweet nature...none can ever be 100% sure about anything regarding one's partner...and the fear could prevent all of us from committing to each other.

How sad that people are so afraid now.

Please God all will be well and you will find the trust that may be needed.

If there is in fact reason not to trust, then may God unmistakably reveal that.
It is unclear whether you are simply affected by the fears of our era,
and mistrusting a potentially good father,
or you are right to be fearful.

It could be instinct, or it could simply be anxiety and fear transposed onto him.
These doubts are a serious secret to hold from him.
I pray God will guide you,
and that your life and your children will be truly blessed and protected.


#7

Why don’t you sit down and ask him yourself? :confused:

Honestly, if you’re about to marry the guy, shouldn’t you feel comfortable talking to him about anything? Talking to others isn’t going to give you an answer. Only HE knows. I definitely think it’s pretty important to clear this up before you go making any life long, unbreakable promises.


#8

[quote="odile53, post:2, topic:252198"]
Find a trusted older person to discuss your feelings with, and pray to the Holy Spirit for discernment. Keep your eyes open. And do not get married to him unless your concerns are acceptably resolved.

[/quote]

I agree with this advice also. Perhaps speaking with someone who can be trusted and also knows your fiance would be a good thought. Sometimes that nagging little voice in our brain might actually be the Holy Spirit trying to guide us along.

Your fiance's actions might have been innocent, but then again possibly not. Please trust your gut instincts (always!), pray and keep Our Lord and His will first in your life, and be sure your concerns are resolved before marrying him.

May God bless you as you work through this.


#9

[quote="MadetoLove, post:1, topic:252198"]
Hi all, I have been feeling uneasy about my fiance for a while. I feel as though my feelings are unwarranted but they keep coming to the surface.

I'm afraid I wont be able to trust him around children...like he may harm them somehow.

.

[/quote]

you cite two instances which may or not be harmless, but are warnings, given today's climate, which of necessity enforces stronger boundaries. You have to give more weight to your feeling and intuition, which are enough to make you even ask the question. Watch and listen, and do not under any circumstance consider marriage until you are totally assured there is no problem. The fact that you have the strong feeling is enough to consider the possibility.

[quote="MadetoLove, post:1, topic:252198"]
Hi all,The only issues we've had between us mostly had to do with physical intimacy (which I know is a pretty big deal). We had issues going on where I would say we could only go so far as far as showing physical affection goes, but then, knowing what my weaknesses were, my fiance would push (not in a forceful way) for more physical intimacy when the opportunity would arise. .

[/quote]

he is pushing the boundaries you have set, almost to the point where you feel forced. That means he -- not you, no matter what the counsellor told you -- has boundary issues and problems perceiving and observing them.

Bring your concern up to the counsellor in a private session, since she knows both of you. You have a child and simply cannot afford to ignore this. How old is your son? what does he say about this man when you ask him?

You are pregnant, presumably by him, which is certainly overstepping boundaries, so of course it is of interest.


#10

We are all hyper-vigilant when it comes to children these days. Things that would have gone without any thought in prior decades have suddenly become suspicious and strange, like a fatherly male helping a little girl go down a slide. It is something that men can no longer do without fear of being viewed as suspicious, though.

This does not mean you should ignore your concerns. I have told both my sons that they need to be very careful about their actions, since one wrong move can put them on a sexual predator list for a long time. Boys don't always think about such things, and I don't mean to scare them, but your fiance might also need to stop himself from touching other people's kids in public. It makes parents uncomfortable.

Since he pushes your boundaries, and both of the incidents you bring up can be seen as possible boundary violations, I think you would be wise to ask your counselor about this, as well as talk to someone who knows him and knows his family.

Do you have a history of being sexually abused? Is there anything odd in his family? If you do, that can certainly color your viewpoint about contact between an adult male and a female child. It could be innocent, or it could mean something. Two incidents doesn't mean it's a pattern.

Proceed with caution, and I would also say do not marry him when there is doubt in your heart. What happens if you have a baby girl? Are you going to wonder if you have to protect her against her own father? Or worry about her friends coming over? Best to take your time and find out what is really going on, while you still can.


#11

[quote="Trishie, post:6, topic:252198"]
All he did was to help a child on a slide.".

[/quote]

And demonstate a definite lack of judgement as to how his actions could be perceived! :eek: Like it or not, people don't want strange men touching their children and a grown man should already know that!! Yes, if the little girl had been hurt in some way, a strange man should help. If she just can not climb a slide, he should make sure her mom is monitoring, then walk away. Any child who needs help to get on or off play eqipment is too young to be using it and better off on the ground anyway.

[quote="Trishie, post:6, topic:252198"]
A kiss on the side of the face is fraternal/paternal.

[/quote]

But he is not the little girl's brother or father. :confused: Maybe because I don't come from a country such as Italy or Greece, but I don't think non-immediate family should kiss, even on the cheek. Even if this man IS from such a country, he should have the judgement to know when or where such actions are appropriate. I have a very Greek BIL who has never kissed my daughter (his own, sure), so just being from a kissing culture does not mean you can't know WHO to kiss or not. That the OP expressed surprise at the kiss suggests that the fiancee is not in the habit of kissing her other family members.

[quote="Trishie, post:6, topic:252198"]
He may be the best of father material.

[/quote]

The fiancee may be perfectly innocent and trustworthy, but his incredibly poor judgement would make him extremely weak father material in my book.

OP - Go with your gut feeling. It's there for a reason.


#12

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