Any adoptees who met their biological parents


#1

I met my biological parents about 13 years ago and have maintained contact with my biological mother's family these years but lost contact with my biological father. My biological grandmother (my biological mother's mother) passed away last week and my biological father showed up hoping I would be at the wake (I couldn't make it in time since it was 3 hours away and was only from 5 - 7 (and I get off of work at 5:30). My biological mother gave my biological father my number (which I don't mind). I spoke with him this weekend and he briefly said that he has felt guilt (but did not mention over what). You could tell by listening that he's been hurting all these years. Now, I myself have many mixed emotions which seems to lead me to numbness over this all, numbness toward my parents, my biological parents, and frankly most thing. I question if I've every truly loved any one. I feel so selfish most of the time, selfish that here are two people who gave me life and a chance to live and have been hurting all these years, and while I'm grateful, I am indifferent. I have spoken with my husband regarding all this, but it is so difficult to describe what I am feeling to a point where he could understand.


#2

I completely understand where you are coming from. I recently found my birth family on facebook of all places. Please contact me if you would like to talk about it.:D


#3

[quote="gmarie21, post:1, topic:232535"]
I Now, I myself have many mixed emotions which seems to lead me to numbness over this all, numbness toward my parents, my biological parents, and frankly most thing. I question if I've every truly loved any one. I feel so selfish most of the time, selfish that here are two people who gave me life and a chance to live and have been hurting all these years, and while I'm grateful, I am indifferent. I have spoken with my husband regarding all this, but it is so difficult to describe what I am feeling to a point where he could understand.

[/quote]

I don't think you should have to explain or apologize about your feelings and emotions, it would be strange if you did not feel this way. The only experience I have with this situation, with young people who enlisted my help in finding birth parents, turned out badly, so I am not the best one to comment. If you do establish contact it should be on your terms, at a time, place and setting of your choice, and with your husband or someone else on hand to support you. I should think, however, that spirtitually to move to a place of forgiveness and being able to see the point of view of the others involved, especially your birth parents, would be a sign of incredible growth and healing.


#4

I met both my birth parents. I don't have much feeling about it at all. It was especially good that I met my birth mother, for her sake, as it was healing for her. That's why I decided to meet them anyway, for their sake.

It's not like Oprah types make it out to be. I don't have this feeling of closure or anything, although I think it was good for my b-mother.


#5

[quote="puzzleannie, post:3, topic:232535"]
I don't think you should have to explain or apologize about your feelings and emotions, it would be strange if you did not feel this way. The only experience I have with this situation, with young people who enlisted my help in finding birth parents, turned out badly, so I am not the best one to comment. If you do establish contact it should be on your terms, at a time, place and setting of your choice, and with your husband or someone else on hand to support you. I should think, however, that spirtitually to move to a place of forgiveness and being able to see the point of view of the others involved, especially your birth parents, would be a sign of incredible growth and healing.

[/quote]

Puzzleannie, that's the thing, I've never been mad or felt rejected by them, they were teens and I'm grateful for their sacrifice. I've been truly blessed in my life with all of the love I've received and because this experience in meeting them has been so positive (my existance has never been a secret to their children, heck, I was the first grandchild listed in my biological grandmother's obituary). I wish there was a way I could help ease their guilt (I've thanked them, have told them I'm blessed, and have told them there is no reason to feel guilt). Maybe I'm just trying to help them be at ease with their decision and have to realize that I can't do that for them.


#6

I understand where you're coming from. I am the eldest of 4 adopted children (all adopted in the mid-1950s to mid 1960s) and, for numerous reasons, researched - and quickly found - my birth mother when she was nearly 80, and I in my mid 40s.

I think that it helped her (she never had other children, and had a difficult marriage, I believe) to know that I was fine and happy, with a good husband and 2 wonderful children. She was delightful and funny, and we corresponded (she lived 1500 miles away, in the state where I was born and grew up) for a couple years, until her death at 81. I met a large group of cousins, uncles and aunts, once, and was amazed that that family so resembled my (adoptive) family - big Irish family, lots of characters, some successful, some not so much... However, I feel no real connection to them; my many questions were answered, and that's pretty much where it ends for me. I am glad to know the family history, and stunned to see a photo of my birth-grandmother at 16, looking astonishingly like our younger daughter...freaky, indeed, for someone who grew up knowing no one who resembed me. When, during my research, I came across a photo of my birth mother, it absolutely confirmed that she was, indeed, my mother... the resemblance was clear.

I was happy in my (adoptive) family, and I guess that, apart from wanting information filled in and questions answered, I didn't NEED anything beyond that.


#7

[quote="agapewolf, post:4, topic:232535"]
I met both my birth parents. I don't have much feeling about it at all. It was especially good that I met my birth mother, for her sake, as it was healing for her. That's why I decided to meet them anyway, for their sake.

It's not like Oprah types make it out to be. I don't have this feeling of closure or anything, although I think it was good for my b-mother.

[/quote]

So good to know I'm not the only one. I actually met mine to find out my health history b/c I had found a lump in my chest and my family (adoptive) has a history of developing and dying from breast cancer in their 30s.


#8

[quote="gmarie21, post:5, topic:232535"]
. I wish there was a way I could help ease their guilt (I've thanked them, have told them I'm blessed, and have told them there is no reason to feel guilt). Maybe I'm just trying to help them be at ease with their decision and have to realize that I can't do that for them.

[/quote]

That sounds like astounding maturity and compassion, but in the end I think you are right, they have to work through their own issues.


#9

I am also adopted, and have never sought out my birth family. I know that my birth mother was 16, but that's it.

I was raised in a wonderful family and have never, ever felt like anything was "missing." I have never felt angry or rejected. I feel that there is nothing to be gained from seeking out my birth mother. I am grateful for the sacrifice she made, and I imagine her as being a nice person. I don't want to open a Pandora's box of complicated emotion, where I would feel that I had to have a relationship if I were to contact her out of pure curiosity. I don't want or need another "mother" and I would fear that she would want to be a mother to me. I would be afraid that it would open up a wound for her, and I am certainly VERY afraid of hurting my mom and dad by looking for my bio family. I feel a fierce loyalty to them, as they are the people who have loved me, cared for me, laughed and cried with me, nursed me through illnesses, held my hand during the trials and hardships of life. They were the people who so DESPERATELY wanted me, that they sought me out in this world.

I have often felt like the only adoptee to ever feel this way...totally uninterested in my bio family and with no existential longing...because the media seems to want to tell me that there is some profound relationship that exists with a TOTAL stranger to me. I have often scratched my head over it.


#10

[quote="StJudePray4Me, post:9, topic:232535"]

I have often felt like the only adoptee to ever feel this way...totally uninterested in my bio family and with no existential longing...because the media seems to want to tell me that there is some profound relationship that exists with a TOTAL stranger to me. I have often scratched my head over it.

[/quote]

I was the same. I didn't have a need either. It was by prayer and guidance from the Holy Spirit that I did it....because my b-mother needed to meet me. Now, I'm still unemotional and detached from the whole thing, but my b-mother I think received some healing and peace of mind.


#11

[quote="agapewolf, post:10, topic:232535"]
I was the same. I didn't have a need either. It was by prayer and guidance from the Holy Spirit that I did it....because my b-mother needed to meet me. Now, I'm still unemotional and detached from the whole thing, but my b-mother I think received some healing and peace of mind.

[/quote]

Just wondering, how did you know she needed to meet you? Did she reach out to you somehow?

I have thought sometimes that it would be nice to send my bio mother a letter just saying "Thanks, you did the right thing, I've had a great life and a great family," but I have thought it might open up doors that I want to remain closed. I wouldn't want to give her false hope that I want a relationship with her...


#12

I sort of know what you are going through. I wasn't adopted, but I never met my father until I was 22. I got to know my dad a little bit, but due to his lifestyle he died about two years later. He was murdered by some former crime associates. His family didn't really seem to care if I existed or not and frankly, I never knew my half brothers, cousins and uncles on that side, nor my grandmother. They don't contact me and I quite trying to get to know them.

They didn't even bother calling me when my grandmother died, I found out about that one onf Facebook. While I didn't know her well she was my grandmother and seemed like a nice lady and I would have liked to have been there.

I wasn't sad that she died, I didn't know her well enough to be attached, but still would liked to have been able to been there out of respect. I feel bad that I have no feelings toward that side of my family but then I grew up in a different family and they are strangers to me.


#13

[quote="StJudePray4Me, post:11, topic:232535"]
Just wondering, how did you know she needed to meet you? Did she reach out to you somehow?

I have thought sometimes that it would be nice to send my bio mother a letter just saying "Thanks, you did the right thing, I've had a great life and a great family," but I have thought it might open up doors that I want to remain closed. I wouldn't want to give her false hope that I want a relationship with her...

[/quote]

As I said, through prayer and the Holy Spirit's guidance. Once I met her, she told me.


#14

[quote="agapewolf, post:13, topic:232535"]
As I said, through prayer and the Holy Spirit's guidance. Once I met her, she told me.

[/quote]

After meeting my biological mother I realized how it helped her. She said that she did "right with me". She and her two children have had a really tough life (her daughter eventually went into foster care and her son was in and out of juvie and now is in and out of prison). As for my biological father, there is a lot of pain in his voice when talking to him. When he called the other day and the baby was crying, there was so much joy in his voice over hearing the baby through the phone (whereas my dad usually ends the phone conversation when the kids get loud). After talking to hubby last night about all of this, I realized that I have a few things to work through too.


closed #15

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