Any hope for Delusional Wife?

So I had originally come here over a sexless marriage. That’s still a problem…Whats worse, now, is she wants to leave me. Every single time she’s ever threatened divorce or whatever, she’s now claiming that it was actually MYSELF that did all that! This is a complete fabrication!

I lined up a counselor to help and she’s refusing to see them. She’s wanting to move back home to her parents. She says that I’m a manipulator and that she won’t be sucked back in again…

I spoke to the counselor and they think it sounds like classic Paranoid Personality Disorder. She also believes that she’s being spied on and now it involves me and my family (we’ve hacked her phone or something).

I feel like I just want to die. How can someone pray to Mary and the Saints and all, yet completely distort the truth? Is it mental illness causing this? Demonic? Her parents agree with me but won’t speak up. Anyone that speaks up becomes the enemy and they are afraid that she’ll put them into the bad side.

How do I win here? She won’t talk to me or read anything that I write to her. I even hand wrote a letter to her. She wouldn’t pick it up, says that it’ll manipulate her into changing her mind again.

Despite constant prayer, she’s getting worse. I know that God could snap is fingers, so I’m trying to keep the faith. Im afraid that He’ll let the storm sink this boat. Sometimes I feel like marrying my wife was bad for her.

A fear that I have come to realize is that God may have never intended this marriage to go through and that is why it’s been a lot of hell for us. I was completely sure about her and us. She was going through some really bad stuff before the wedding. I think that she went through with it to get away from living with her parents. The father that married us saw some red flags but thought that they could be worked out later since we had dated for 12 years prior.

What do I do here? My heart wants to fight for the marriage. My brain says to give up. I haven’t been given peace from God for either.

It could be either or both of them. Has she had problems with drugs in the past or alcohol?

Oh that’s not good; did he tell you what they were?

I’m sorry you are going through this.

She used to have a drinking problem. She got a dui and that straightened her out.

The father noticed that she has an issue with forgiveness and letting things go. She’s a major grudge holder. I’m talking MAJOR. Any slight to her and you’re dead to her. She hates my entire family for things that they did that were messed up (one sort of crashed our wedding) and things that she just imagined that they did, like “spying” and hacking her phone.

Edit: Imagine someone with such a frail ego that they can’t take a single shred of criticism. I believe that her divorce threats have weighed in her, cuz she’s very religious, so she distorted the truth to make it that it was me doing it.

I wish I could help you by my marriage currently feels like the siege of Sarajevo. Does she still go to Mass?

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Do you have kids? Depending on that, I would give two very different bits of advice.

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Occasionally. She’s usually sick or anxious every weekend…Sometimes she tells me she’s gone during the week while I’m at work.

I guess my fear is that God doesn’t intervene because He didn’t bless the marriage. We knew marriage was right for us, but waited awhile so that I could finish school and get a stable income to support us. So, it definitely wasn’t a rushed decision. I just fear that she wasn’t of sound mind at the time. I figured that God would have judged prior feelings and plans instead of during the wedding.

No kids. We wanted them but after a miscarriage, she stopped wanting to try.

OK. If there are no kids then I would cut your losses and move on. Regardless of wether or not your wife has a mental health condition leading to her behavior, you can’t force someone to want you. Seems she has made up her mind. You need to protect yourself. Being in a forced situation with someone who doesn’t want you can be dangerous on a lot of levels.

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If it weren’t for what appears to be a clear mental illness, I’d have a much easier time of it. I just feel like if I could break down this mental illness, move it out of the way, she’d see the truth. She sees me as the enemy right now. Her friends and family are too scared to confront her.

What does everyone think about Gods feelings about how the wedding went down? Think He would have been displeased?

And this is where YOU are living in a delusion. Mental illness does not get cured, especially a personality disorder. Some can be treated and managed, but some cannot.

If she has a personality disorder YOU need counseling with a qualified therapist to help you break free from the lies, manipulation, gas lighting, and delusions.

You are not going to be able to make her better. She likely will never get better.

Twelve years is a long time with a mentally ill person. You need some space and perspective that a third party therapist can give you.

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Unless you are a licensed mental health professional treating your wife (which would be highly unethical), you can’t “fix” or “break down” her mental health issues.

What is done is done. I am not sure why you are worrying about how God “feels” about the way the wedding happened. I hope you aren’t thinking that God is punishing you because He didn’t like the way the wedding was handled. I don’t think God operates like that.

We are human, and we make human mistakes. It is possible marrying your wife was a mistake. I realize that is a hard pill to swallow, but you did say the priest who married you saw red flags. Maybe you just didn’t realize at the time you were trying to fit a square peg into a round whole. I don’t think God holds these things against us, it is how we handle them that matters.

You have your whole life ahead of yourself. You don’t have any dependents with this woman, your wife. You need to protect yourself and not become a co-dependent with someone who isn’t willing to take the steps necessary to live a normal life.

I suggest counseling on your own. Also talk with a priest or a spiritual advisor. It sounds like you want to do the right thing, but you don’t know what it is and you may not be seeing the whole picture clearly.

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The delusional stuff only started up a year after the wedding. But still, 4 years of it has taken a toll on me, for sure. I plan to meet with the counselor without her. It’s been tough trying to hide this from everyone and hold my job.

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These things fester in secrecy. Don’t hide it. Let people help you.

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My step brother has NPD (undiagnosed, but all the signs are there) and substance abuse issues.

My dad puts the pressure on all of us to maintain a relationship with him and dad acts like he’s not ill.

I told my dad “no”. I’m not maintaining any relationship with him. He doesn’t get my phone number or my email or to be friends on Facebook.

Dad isn’t ready to let go of the crazy but I’ve been over the bad behavior for years. Step brother can complain all he wants about the unfairness and how everyone hates him and never gives him a chance. I’m immune to those lies and they don’t move me.

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I guess my concerns with God’s approval, or disapproval, would be whether or not He would fix this marriage. And I fear that He may have left me to be on my own with it. Prayers have seemingly gone unanswered over the years. In other words, His stance is that I made my bed…

I know that I can’t treat her, medically, I meant get her in with a therapist that could. If this mental illness was out of the way, I think that she’d see our long, mostly happy, history together. We are a great match. To weirdos that are just alike…

God doesn’t work that way. Your wife has free will.

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You aren’t going to get the personality disorder out of the way. It’s very difficult to treat. Personality disorders have low success rates when it comes to treatment.

Please talk to a therapist ASAP.

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Just talking about it, here, feels pretty good. I’ve reached out to a few family members. I think I may let my boss know Incase I seem aloof at some point.

I wish that God would give me peace.

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I sort of feel like mental illness isn’t free will. God removing the illness shouldn’t violate free will.

Another fear that I have is that this is just a front. Remove the illness and there is a true incompatible red flag, such as she married me for the wrong reasons. To escape a bad life. She never found her calling in life…Maybe God is allowing this marriage to come apart because of it? Maybe she was dishonest going into that wedding and God chose not to bless us?

I have so many conflicting feelings and ideas since she broke down our communication years ago. It’s truly between her and God, I guess, with me in the way.

As long as you keep asking these sorts of questions without actually doing anything to solve the problems then nothing will get better.

People with personality disorders aren’t so uncommon that no one knows how to deal with them. There are plenty of posters here who have advised others in the past about toxic family members. What they will say is essentially the same - boundaries boundaries boundaries.

You’re fortunate that you don’t have children in your relationship. Most personality disorders have something to do with the environment they were raised in. Because you don’t have any kids, it makes your situation about 10 times easier to deal with.

Whether your marriage is valid is neither here nor there. You obviously care about her so you don’t need to sit around thinking about the ‘legal morality’ of your marriage. But you do need to take care of yourself and your wife. If she won’t go to couples counseling then you need to tell her that you are outa there - boundaries boundaries boundaries. One of two things will happen next - she’ll either go, and you can be assured that she has some reason left; or she won’t go, in which case you can’t help her and you should leave. When you are no longer there for her it is likely she will not be able to function and she will either seek help on her own, or self destruct to the point where she could be involuntary committed (depending on your state laws so look into that and be ready).

The situation your in quite frankly sounds ugly. You may not recognize just how bad it is because you’re used to it. But you aren’t obligated to live with a mentally ill person when there are plenty of ways for you to help her and both of you can have a better life.

Start talking to health professionals, lawyers, police, family, employers. They all work together in situations like this. Set the stage so that when the time comes you are ready. And from what you’ve described, the time will come.

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