Any unfaithful husbands out there who recovered?


#1

I posted earlier (Infidelity). I recently found out that my husband, had an extramarital relationship over a 4 month period while I was pregnant and with a newborn. It has been almost a month since I found out. I have been, (and always will as long as I am married), 100% devoted…so this has been a difficult time for me. I am reading some of Wilard Harleys books, which has provided me with some insights. My husband has agreed to do the Retrovaille program.

I am wondering if there are any men out there who went through this and were able to rebuild their marriages and return to the Church? I am curious about this from a male point of view. Also interested in hearing about what you were going through emotionally at the time.

Ney1


#2

I noticed nobody has responded to you yet. I cannot answer your question. I just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers. May God grant you peace.

Gertie


#3

I know a person who’s an active member of the Church (and the Renewal in Holy Spirit group, I think) and prepares people for Confirmation. He did drugs and had other addictions, as well as cheated on his wife as did she on him. Both have “converted” (in the sense of conversion of heart, as they hadn’t been non-Catholic). I’ve read their stories in a book printed out somewhere here. I hope to be as good a Christian as he is now, and I’ve never cheated on anyone or had premarital sex. Those who hit a big low can hit a higher high than those who have never known the low. Heard of St. Guntram? Here. Many saints have had serious problems with their sexual lives before getting on the righteous path.

As I see it, perhaps some people are more strongly tempted to cheat than others? What if some of us need less temperance to resist than some others do? What if someone has a bigger temper, even if he has more virtue? He might still cheat more than the typical person, even while making tons more effort. Some men would never beat, but would cheat. Some would never cheat, but would beat their wives. Some, such as yours truly, would neither cheat nor beat, but still manage to bring even the most dedicated and patient woman on the brink of despair with some words or actions or attitudes.

As for recovery, I’ve even heard of rapists who have recovered. Two plus one attempter. But probably more between the unheard of ones. So if a rapist can repent, can’t a cheating spouse? I believe he can, but it’s going to be difficult to make the marriage happy again. I’ll pray for you.


#4

Those who hit a big low can hit a higher high than those who have never known the low.

This is very true, in my experience. I clicked on this hoping to see that someone has answered – I hope someone will, or will pm you. I haven’t been in your situation but have said a prayer for you and your husband. FWIW – back before we knew him, a man we know was unfaithful to his wife and children. He even fathered a child by the other woman. I don’t know the details of how he and his wife worked this out, but they did, and they have been happy for many years now. He is in the deaconate program now and seems to have a knack for reaching people who are struggling with their faith.


#5

I’m sorry for what you are going though, I know it must be ripping your heart out. I found out approximately 6 years after the fact that my husband had been unfaithful. We were having other marriage problems and he chose that time to reveal it to me. I do not know the details because I told him I didn’t want to know when, where and with who this was happening with at a time when I thought things were fine - I didn’t want to look back and remember that was the time when it happened. All I know is that happened while he was in the Navy. We went through the Retrouvaille program and if your weekend is anything like ours you’ll find many couples in the same situation. Including the couples that lead the weekend.

It has been ten years since our weekend and nearly 16 since the affair or one night stand (I have no idea) happened. And we are extremely happy and our marriage is rock solid. Retrouvaille is fantastic but it will take time to heal, it took me a few years to truly forgive my husband.

At first I was in survival mode just fighting with all I had to hold my marriage together (we had other issues related to alcoholism that we were dealing with.) After about a year when the dust had settled and I felt more secure I actually went through a period of being really angry and bitter for what he had put me through. Good or bad decision I don’t know but I never brought up the affair again from the night that he told me. Ofcourse this was 6 years later not a few months so I knew that it was long over and we were far removed from the situation -he had been out of the military for some time. Some how slowly as time went by God gave me the grace to let go of the anger and the hurt and truly forgive him. It’s not something I like to think about but I can honestly say it no longer causes me pain.

My husband is a good man, and a great father -and he is my best friend. I praise God for the miracle He gave us.

I can only imagine how great your pain must be right now, and I will keep both you and your husband in my prayers. I pray you both will be healed from this wound to your marriage and that you can move forward and have your marriage and relationship restored and whole again.


#6

My husband is a recovering porn addict, stemming from years of abuse at the hands of his stepfather. He is recovering and faithful to me, as far as I know and trust. With God, all things are possible. Counseling is a must for you and your husband. I would talk to your priest about this. God bless and I am praying for you.


#7

It’s a pity very few spoke from “the horse’s mouth”. Lucky for my wife, I have no experience in this department but not much of help to you. Just to let you know I am praying for you and your husband right now…


#8

thank you…I appreciate the prayer.


#9

Thank you for your insights & prayers!


#10

Thanks for sharing this story.


#11

Thank you for the prayers…we ned them! Please continue to pray for us!


#12

I appreciate the prayers very much. We need them as we get through this and meet our childrens needs as well…Thank you.


#13

Well, I don’t think you’re going to get a strong response to this question. Not that men haven’t recovered. But because men aren’t so foolish to admit that “yes they have cheated on their wives” on a public forum.

There are probably a good number of men who have cheated on their wives, and have been counceled in the confessional to keep it from their wives. Out of compassion for the wife, not the husband. It is painful for a wife to learn of infidelity. And if a husband repents, cleans up his act all without her knowing, some say it is wisest to leave the wife out of it.

Also, perhaps a guy has cheated, and his wife knows about it. But the rest of the world doesn’t need to know.

If you interpret infidelity narrowly, as in “He who even LOOKS at another woman with lustful thoughts has committed adultery”; then you can color me guilty, along with other forms of less severe infidelity.

And you can also color me “recovering”.

I realize that isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, but I think it can give you hope. I have been on the long road of turning around. And it hasn’t been easy. Not easy on me. Not easy on my wife. Just look at a number of my posts and you’ll get the impression that I’m one ornery cuss.

If you want my recommendation, read Huck Finn. When you get to the part where Huck Finn leaves ****** Jim on the raft to go for supplies, or something, read it r e a l l y s l o w. While Huck is paddling away, he is struggling with himself whether or not to turn in Jim as a runaway slave. Jim, is no fool, he understands what Huck is thinking. Jim begins laying the praise on Huck really heavy. “True blue Huck” he calls him, talking about how loyal Huck is. After all that, Huck just CAN’T bring himself to turn in Jim.

If every wife sent her husband off to work the way Jim does to Huck. . .


#14

Another suggestion for this thread is to invite those who have been in positions to counsel real cases of couples who went through this kind of problem( eg. retrovaille, marriage encounter, etc?) Some of us might be able to relate to this. Since this is your thread you need to make that decision. Hope this helps.


#15

THANKS FOR ALL OF THE RESPONSES AND PRAYERS. i APPRECIATE THE THOUGHT EVERYONE PUT INTO THESE RESPONSES. I DID GET ONE PM THAT HAS PROVIDED ME WITH A LOT OF USEFUL INSIGHT, AS MANY OF YOUR RESPONSES HAVE. PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR US. THANK YOU.


#16

OH, i AGREE…THAT IS A GREAT IDEA AND WOULD OPEN THE DOOR TO A LOT MORE INFO.


#17

In my situation, we both have cheated. We just let the truth out this past weekend. I do believe this is hell on earth in a marriage. We both regret what we have done and we are going to counseling. We want to save our mariage, but both are worried that the pain and dis trust may be too much. My wife is emotionanly attached to the man still and mine was purely physical (not an excuse, just the facts) I ask for your prayers as I will pray for all hurt by this. I KNOW that the spirit can heal and restore our marriage to something better than we could imagine. My wife needs more encouragement. Please pray for us!!

God Bless


#18

I find it abominable if its really true that some priests tell a man or woman to hide the fact that he/she cheated. And to think that people actually listen to such poor advice and live like liars not giving their spouse the CHOICE to say: is this a person I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
The lying is adding sin upon sin and destroying all trust.


#19

I think the priest is going by the presumption “for better or worse 'til death do us part”. That choice was already made as far as a priest would be concerned I would think.

Honestly for my husband’s sanity I’m glad he told me because the guilt he was carrying was destroying him but from my end I’d preferred not knowing. When I said I do, I knew there was no turning back. Whatever came our way we would work to make it work.


#20

The choice still stands. I know people who have chosen seperation after their husband cheated on them and I will never jugde them for it.
As for your desire to not know the truth about your husbands fidelity or lack thereoff, I think you are one of very few.
I know that in my mind one of the foundations of marriage is total honesty and transparency.

Anyway… I think this is off topic…


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.