Any wives out there that can offer advice?


#1

I don’t know if this is a good place to ask for help about this, but it would be nice to get not only a catholic opinion on this, but all my friends are MEN and they are MUTUAL friends with my husband.

Anyway. Here goes.

Any wives out there have issues…like, with their husbands not wanting to be intimate that can help me? I am at my wits end! My husband is caring, sweet, he loves to cuddle and hold hands and kiss even in public. But only pecks really. He has told me he can’t figure out why he has no urge to be intimate with me. Now here is the real kicker: we’ve been married for ONE. MONTH.

Any time we do get intimate he forces himself to do it (ladies, you know what I mean, and you can tell if he is) He and I have talked about it, because it started the DAY we got married. We both waited our whole lives for each other, and now he doesn’t want anything to do with physical intimacy! It didn’t used to be that way. We struggled our whole dating years (2 1/2) to keep things “pure” and it was hard, but we did it with the occasional slip up which we went to confession for. Or passion was there, but on our wedding night it shriveled up for him and died.

I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong. I try to dress nice for him, I do my hair and makeup and I have been desperately trying to lose weight so he’ll be attracted to me again, but it’s not working. I am trying to be patient with him but it’s hard! My desire is there full force (especially with as hot as he is!) but…I don’t know what to do. I talked to him about counselling but he says it won’t work and will make it worse. Accomapnied with “we’ve only been married 1 month. I’m not going in for this.” It’s hurting him, and it’s killing me inside and is starting to cause fights. Please help me if you can. This is really painful, and NOT what I thought God had in mind as a reward for a couple who waited until their wedding day.

oh and by the way, it was like this on our honeymoon too. We sat in our suite on a cruise ship and stared blankly at each other; Me frustrated, and him rather confused.


#2

themarriagebed.com/

This website was offered on another thread as help. I took a quick look and it may be helpful. There may be some physical problem that may be hindering physical intimacy, so a Dr. appointment may be a good idea.

Good luck to you.


#3

Do not despair :slight_smile: There could be a lot of other issues possible at hand here. The website above is a great one! If he is very stressed with work or other things or even not confident of his own looks, this could really be affecting his drive… also his diet… or some other medical condition… there’s a lot of info in the “Problems” section, I think, of that website.


#4

Much of the advice is contrary to Catholic thought and practice.I doubt that the Church would sanction masturbation, phone sex and oral sex to completion. Not to mention ABC.


#5

There is a very questionable section that I noticed on how to get your spouse interested in sex…I was very disappointed in that one. But this part – themarriagebed.com/pages/problem/desire/wonthavesex.shtml
is helpful in that it lists non-sexual and sexual reasons of why this could be affecting someone.


#6

Start with an MD appointment. You may want to go with him, but if he will be more honest and clear with the MD w/o you - then accept that and wait in the waiting room!


THEN it’s time for a good (as in Catholic or at least catholic-ish christian) marriage therapist, no matter what the MD says. There’s been damage done and it needs repaired with LOTS of communication and understanding. Cathoic Charities may be able to help you, but I’d call a trusted priest and ask for a recommendation there first. He doesn’t need to know why, just that you need this.


#7

we have talked about this issue, and he has told me point blank that he is nervous about it. Like, he’s not in the mood because he feels pressured about it or something. And he is sure this is the case because it started the DAY we got married. I will suggest that maybe a doc. appt may be helpful, but he is pretty adamant about not wanting to see a doc about this. Is there anything I can do to take pressure off him or something? While at the same time not getting rather frustrated about it. And what the heck can I do with these uh…“new urges” because frankly…I’m not dead below the waist. And since we got married it’s harder for me not to be so. uh. Amorous, combined with the fact that I have recently got on medication to fix some hormonal issues I was having, and now that my body is working right my drive has gone up conciderably. This isn’t helping when I need to be “taking the pressure off”


#8

he’s guilt tripping you.
either he goes to the md/therapist or YOU are going to have to decide if you are okay with never having sex with your dh again
frankly, after a month of trying, MY dh would be on the run to get to an md asap or he’d have 2 beers vs 1 to relax or whatever.
**your dh’s lack of willingness to even consider a medical opinion sends up red flags for me.:confused: **
point in case, my dh’s ego would PREFER it be a medical problem.
**granted all men have different perspectives, but I can’t think of any man who would be okay with just letting this issue continue and blaming the wife:shrug: **



#9

You have to be careful. there was a time when my husband came home so tired that all he wanted was sleep. For a whole summer i questioned, “is it me?”, “am i unattractive to him?”. My self asteem did a nose dive that has never really made a full recovery. It wasnt his fault or mine but you can control how you deal with those feelings of dissappointment. If you waited that long to be with him you can wait a little longer. Pray lots, give him loving space to figure it out for himself. Cuddle, kiss, but dont push him to do anything else. Its such a downer to want to be with your husband and know he doesnt want to. Don’t put yourself through that.

And get help NOW, do not wait. This could really hurt your marriage. Take the pressure off of him and tell him you will give him time to work it out, but part of that deal is going to the doctor and looking into a theripist. I am sure he cares about your marriage too its just hard to put yourself out there to strangers. I’ll be praying for you.


#10

Sorry you’re having to deal with this, girl…:hug1:

Because this has been happening since the honeymoon, I’m going to say this probably isn’t related to work stress or anything like that. It seems that your hubby has more of a problem with getting passionate.

Here are some ideas that came to mind…

Get something sexy to wear for him. He’s your husband. If you aren’t comfortable with going to Victoria’s Secret, go to a department store. If money is a possible issue, Walmart has lots of cute outfits… And if he gets nervous when you show up in lingerie, you can always do the housework in a short skirt…:rolleyes:

Be flirty when he isn’t expecting it. Sometimes mixing the timing up helps, so instead of approaching him at night, try a Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon.

Try to build the passion up bit by bit throughout the day.

If he has a self-esteem issue, you can build that up too by complimenting him on how handsome he is. Also, tell him what a sexy husband he is.

Also, could the problems be a result of waiting for or wanting a family?

And go to see a marriage counselor and/or doctor if you’ve tried these sorts things and you are still having problems. It isn’t something unreasonable to ask of your spouse…a healthy love life is a beautiful part of marriage…and one that you deserve as a new bride.


#11

Marriage is a team. I would not stress yourself out more wondering what you are doing wrong. Though we all need to put an effort in, you can’t do this alone - dressing nicely, trying to lose weight, etc… HE must also put effort. What is HE doing to solve the problem as well?

Since he is the one with the issue, I feel that it’s not fair that you hold all of the burden. A healthy sex life with your husband is not too much to ask - especially since you mentioned the drive used to be there. Of course, you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to - but he should WANT to get to the bottom if this.

There are definitely more stresses in our married lives - work, bills, in-laws, etc… which can help to put intimacy on the back burner, but it seems this is not simply the case.

My thoughts are with you and I encourage you to further engage with communication with your husband. If it’s a mental thing, then he needs to take responsiblitity to get HELP. Of course, your support and encouragement will also go a long way.

Good luck to you!


#12

Does he only want what he can’t have, and now that he has it, he doesn’t want it anymore?

My issue is that he apparently wants to blame you and is unwilling to change.

I presume you have consummated the marriage at least once?

He needs counselling. I’m sorry you’re going through this.


#13

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation, and hope that you’ve come to the right place for some advice/input that might help.

Some points that you absolutely don’t have to answer in this thread:

Does he have a spiritual director or trusted priest?
Did you go through Pre-Cana classes together? Does he/did he understand the sacramental nature of marriage, and the importance of the one flesh union? (Theology of the Body-type stuff?)
Is/has pornography been an issue?

Lastly, and I find myself not even wanting to bring this up, but I will because it’s the very first thing my husband said when I read this thread to him: Have there been any issues with same-sex attraction?

I pray that you don’t take offense to anything I’ve posted–just terribly concerned for you and your new marriage, and, as a wife, offering some starting points. God bless you both; I will pray for you.


#14

I’m actually male, but saw your thread and curiosity made me read it. :stuck_out_tongue:
Keep in mind I’m not married, and may not ever be, but here is my “advice”.
First of all, I would definately pray specifically for this problem of intimacy each day and for your marriage. That’s the most important thing and I think The Blessed Mother and St. Joseph in particular would be wonderful for this as they remained celibate, yet had a pure intimacy that we may never understand.

Second…women always tell me that the problem with men is that they don’t communicate. Because of that, I would try to communicate with him better and get at the cause of the problem.
I don’t know how he viewed you before marriage, but maybe something is missing now he can’t seem to see in you. It would probably be a good idea to talk to him. And I don’t know your marriage now, but this is the best I can say to do. Ask your husband to be honest and that he will not offend you, and then tell him what the problem is, but don’t put any of the blame on him and try to keep his heart open in that way. Be as, prayerful, softspoken, kind and loving as possible to him when you speak of it, and don’t take anything he says personally (in a way that you hold it against him) even though it may be.

I don’t know about putting it this way, but I remember as a child my sisters and their friends would be already dreaming about and planning their wedding days even at their earliest age. I think that even though men may not act it out, most men still dream of it far more than modern phsycology realizes saying that it is all about sex or something like that…not true…Men can have an ideal of a woman in their heart, and I sometimes indeed, they may view her as a princess…You’d have to know your husbands dreams before you make this out to be more than it is but…Something makes me think that men can sometimes feel like the “dream” is not what it once was. It is nothing the woman does wrong, but the fact that men have idolized women too much and society and sins feed into this.

That is the best I can think of for now…My little nephew is here and I have to go give him a hug!
I’ll say a little prayer for you.
May Jesus, Mary and Joesph be with you and your husband.


#15

These are all great points! Can I add just one? :smiley:

To the OP, again, you do NOT need to answer this question on this thread; it’s intended to help give you possibilities/things to bring up with your DH.

You mentioned that you are on meds to fix hormonal issues. Could this be part of the problem, maybe? Just as an example (I am totally NOT accusing you here :wink: ), but sometimes certain hormones like those found in the Pill, may accidentally cause an abortion, and maybe he’s worried or scared?

I am not in any way assuming that you’re on the Pill, I just don’t have any knowledge of other forms of hormonal control, so it was the only example I had. :o I’m truly sorry if I upset you at all. :console:


#16

I noticed the same thing when reading through the site I recommended, but I still think it has valid points worth considering, just don’t do the stuff that doesn’t jive with being Catholic. It would also probably be a good thing to look at with your husband. It may instigate a conversation about likes/dislikes wants/diswants. Another poster siad that communication is key, and it is totally true.


#17

Have you two talked about the female reproductive system at all? I know before I was married, I knew absolutely NOTHING about Natural Family Planning. He might be afraid that if you both consumate the marraige, you’ll produce life at a time that he doeesn’t think is proper. To protect himself from this possibility, he might deny all urges.

As a naive fiance, this is what I thought my future wife and I were going to have to live until it was the proper time to start our family. It wasn’t until Natural Family Parenting was discussed that we began to understand each otherphysically and emotionall. And since the marraige, we’ve been quite thankful to the wonderful God that introduced us :slight_smile:


#18

thank you all for your replies. Let me state that he is in no way blaming me, and it’s upsetting him more that this is causing me to be so depressed. He is a WONDERFUL man, and it’s bothering him as much as me, but he wants to work through this together without going to a shrink. We are both confident in our ability to postpone children, he has said this isn’t a concern, and I DO wear lingere for him. Neither of us are too…uh…“prudish” about stuff like that, and we are always open to new things and such. I will suggest he get counselling, and see a doc about it. I don’t know how open he will be to that but…you know.

Mainly i need to know what to do about MYSELF. This is hitting ME really hard right now and it’s getting really hard not to be really upset about this. I’ve started crying over it, and getting mad at him for not “finding me as sexy.” I’m just at a loss of how to get myself through it. And I am scared he’ll never want me like he did before. I almost wonder if getting married was a mistake for us.

About the birth control thing, I am NOT open to discussing that. I mentioned I am on medication for hormonal issues and I am leaving it there simply because I get too many uncharitable (and hurtful/nosy) comments about it. I have an illness. I am on treatment. Let’s please, please PLEASE leave it there. (no I am not upset, I just can’t handle any of those comments right now. I am really on edge)


#19

I’m sorry, Hon. I think you’re referring to my comment. :o I honestly didn’t want you to go into details, and I didn’t want to hurt any feelings. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear enough in my last post. It really was intended to just give you something to think about, not address to us.

Again, I apologize that I didn’t reinforce my intent to just give you something else to consider, as opposed to sharing with us. Just trying to be helpful. :crying: Sorry.


#20

“Today the Passion of Christ is being relived in the lives of those who suffer. To accept that suffering is a gift of God. Suffering is not a punishment. Jesus does not punish. Suffering is a sign–a sign that we have come so close to Jesus on the cross that he can kiss us, show us that he is in love with us by giving us an opportunity to share in his Passion. Suffering is not a punishment, nor a fruit of sin; it is a gift of God. He allows us to share in his suffering and to make up for the sins of the world.”
-Mother Teresa


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