Anybody in a long distance relationship?


#1

Hi,

Is anybody here in a long distance relationship - either dating or married? How did you find yourself in one and how do you deal with it?


#2

I was before I got married - eventually I had to move nearer so we could see each other more often.

I think the trick is a lot of communication.


#3

Mine failed miserably b/c he began to get jealous that I had to much free time to see other people. We ended it after 6 months for emotional reasons.

It can be very successful with the right two people. Eventually someone has to move closer though.


#4

I've been in 2.

The first one lasted a little over a year and the distance kept things from progressing in a healthy way (i.e. I felt like I knew the guy, but I didn't really know as much as I would have if he'd lived in my city and we'd dated in person for a year so in that sense the distance created a false sense of familiarity.).

The second one was long distance for 5 months with several visits and then he moved down to my state and we dated for another year and then got married. Been happily married for over 4 years now. :D

My experience was that long distance was ok up to a point--and then if you decide marriage is where this is headed, you need to consider getting rid of the distance so you can know each other better before you get married. Phone calls are not a substitute for in person time, imo.

Good luck!

KG


#5

I was for a couple of years. It worked (married him! :D) because we already had been dating for a couple of years before I got the job about 3 hours away. We saw each other on weekends. When we finally decided to get married, DH started preparing to quit his job and move to where I was. Then I got another job even farther away. We moved together to the new place.


#6

I am currently in one, it’s been 7 months and since we met online (CatholicMatch) and live several states apart, it has always been long distance.

Our relationship is great and there can be many benefits to an LDR (long distance relationship). Some of these include growing closer together, experiencing hardship together and learning how each deals with the distance differently.

Sometimes LDRs can be hard on the emotions, depending on how long it is between visits. Some people can’t handle it, and that’s perfectly normal and just their personality. For my relationship, we are both low-maintenance and trust each other completely. Sometimes we feel bad when we don’t feel like we’ve “connected” emotionally in a few days, but that’s not hard to deal with when you consider the big picture: you’re better off with the person than without them.

As long as you’re willing to make it work, and are patient with how you and your partner will react individually to the stresses of distance (just like there are stresses in any relationship), LDRs can work.


#7

I’ve been in them before, and it usually doesn’t work. Nine times out of ten, they fail. Yes, there are exceptions, but in the real world, it doesn’t work.


#8

[quote="Rascalking, post:7, topic:253138"]
I've been in them before, and it usually doesn't work. Nine times out of ten, they fail. Yes, there are exceptions, but in the real world, it doesn't work.

[/quote]

That's a little harsh, don't you think? If by "real world" you meant "my own personal experiences", then yes, but be careful extrapolating to other people in other situations.

It does take the right kind of people to make a long distance relationship work. My wife and I dated for 5 years long distance, then were married for 2 years before we finally moved in together. We met in college then went to different graduate schools. It was only a couple hour drive, so weekend visits were common and not disruptive to our school work nor our budgets. Our personalities allowed that to work for us. Neither of us are big social butterflies, constantly needing attention or to be surrounded by people. Since we both like our alone time, the time apart wasn't as bad for us as it could be for other people. Trust and communication are key.

I do know that we are not representative of the vast majority of people. Most people would prefer to be in more social environments more often. If you need a physical presence to maintain an emotional bond, then a long distance relationship is probably not for you. You can try, but in that case it is unlikely to succeed.


#9

[quote="kerebos, post:8, topic:253138"]
That's a little harsh, don't you think? If by "real world" you meant "my own personal experiences", then yes, but be careful extrapolating to other people in other situations.

[/quote]

I don't think it's harsh at all, sorry.

I look around and notice that most people in warm, comfortable and healthy relationships aren't in long distance ones. The ones who are in long distance relationships aren't in them for long because they don't usually work.


#10

[quote="kerebos, post:8, topic:253138"]
That's a little harsh, don't you think? If by "real world" you meant "my own personal experiences", then yes, but be careful extrapolating to other people in other situations.

It does take the right kind of people to make a long distance relationship work. My wife and I dated for 5 years long distance, then were married for 2 years before we finally moved in together. We met in college then went to different graduate schools. It was only a couple hour drive, so weekend visits were common and not disruptive to our school work nor our budgets. Our personalities allowed that to work for us. Neither of us are big social butterflies, constantly needing attention or to be surrounded by people. Since we both like our alone time, the time apart wasn't as bad for us as it could be for other people. Trust and communication are key.

I do know that we are not representative of the vast majority of people. Most people would prefer to be in more social environments more often. If you need a physical presence to maintain an emotional bond, then a long distance relationship is probably not for you. You can try, but in that case it is unlikely to succeed.

[/quote]

I'm the latter you described so LDR's would never work for me. I'm high maintenance :D


#11

I am too! :wink:


#12

[quote="Rascalking, post:11, topic:253138"]
I am too! ;)

[/quote]

I need to be touched and told how beautiful I am every day haha!

ok exaggeration :D


#13

I was in one for a while, and it seemed fine just to date and visit each other occasionally, but neither of us were terribly serious about marriage and one moving nearer to the other, so we split.


#14

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it’s ideal. Having spent that much time apart, I’m certainly glad we’ve managed to end the long distance part. However, you did flippantly dismiss our relationship and marriage as not being in the “real world” – like we’re somehow outsiders to normal society. I would be willing to bet that it could work out for a lot more people if they were willing to take the time and effort to make it work.


#15

[quote="kerebos, post:14, topic:253138"]
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it's ideal. Having spent that much time apart, I'm certainly glad we've managed to end the long distance part. However, you did flippantly dismiss our relationship and marriage as not being in the "real world" -- like we're somehow outsiders to normal society. I would be willing to bet that it could work out for a lot more people if they were willing to take the time and effort to make it work.

[/quote]

My goodness, I didn't dismiss anything. It CAN work, and if it does, great-a toast to those who can make it. I don't care.

However, and I stand by this 100 percent-it USUALLY doesn't. I know it's cool to be the exception to the rule (you see that all the time lately) but it's a true rule.

Don't take it so personally.


#16

Tried it several times just doesn't work for me. I'm as much to blame for it as the guys. I wouldn't try it again unless the relationship was already well established before distance became a factor.


#17

I'm currently in one......with someone that I met right here on THIS forum! :D

(I'm currently traveling home from our most recent visit.)

He's in KY, I'm in VT. It's hard......but, we're planning to get engaged soon, so I think it's working. :thumbsup:

I will, however, move to KY for a few months, before we get married. As much as we spend hours on Skype, email, and the phone, every day.....it does not substitute for "in-person time".

I think an LDR can work......but it seems to be unusual. :shrug:


#18

I had gone out with other guys locally, but dh was my first serious long distance relationship. The longest period of time that dh and I had been in the same zip code before he came for the wedding was 2 weeks, and those were our first two weeks together (he was in my college area for two weeks). After that, he drove up (800 miles each way) to see me once a month, I flew twice, once to meet his family and once for Easter after we were engaged (I stayed at his parents house, he had his own home). He flew to meet my family before getting engaged. I knew I did not want to get engaged until my family had a chance to meet him and watch for any red flags I may have missed due to :love:, they didn’t find any :D. We got married 6 months after getting engaged, without ever moving nearer to each other. I graduated from college, got married that summer, and moved to where he was living. Seven years and 5 kids later I still love him dearly and thank God for sending me such a wonderful man… I really think each situation is unique, and while I don’t think it is for everyone, it can work out. You do have to be careful with a lot of things, guard yourselves, be cautious, very grounded, realistic, and not get caught up in idealization… a lot of things could go wrong, but it could also go right.


#19

Thank you for all of your responses, they are appreciated. I understand those who say that these relationshios never work. I have heard such opinions often, however, never is such a strong word... I believe that long-distance relationships happen more often than most people realize, at least temporarily. How many of us know couples in which one of the spouses is in military or has to travel very often?

Anyway, I am not really looking for opinions on whether such relationships can work or not. I would like to hear from people who have been in one for many years, perhaps even married and had children while long-distance. I have been first in along distance relationship (over 6 years) and now marriage (over a year). We had plans for moving to be together, unfortunately, the current economical situation has done away with our plans. It will happen eventually, but will take at least 3 more years. There are very good reasons due to which neither of us can just quit the job we have and move at this time. We are looking to start a family in the future months and it would be nice to hear from somebody that has gone hrough something similar.


#20

I was in one for a year a half. In fact he was the one who showed me Catholicism, so I owe a lot to being with him ;) But it didn't work. Money and distance became an issue and we parted as good friends.

I can imagine being a Long Distance relationship with kids would be tremendously hard, let alone a marriage. But I imagine it can work if you saw your spouse/kids on a regular basis or on a due date. And plus, communication in between those times would be crucial, and its easy with modern technology: look at skype, MSN, facebook chat. All those social things can help a LDR work.

Hope this helps!


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