Anybody with this situation? Engaged and with sick/dying parents


#1

Hi

I simply want to know if there is anyone out there who is going through or have been through this sitaution and what advice would you give?

My dear fiance and I recently got engaged about two weeks ago. The relationship is very good and we are growing from grace to grace.We are very happy with each other. However, there are complications. His mother is ill and confined to bed.He is the main caregiver for her. He works full-time and has a nurse to come in while he works.My father also has prostate cancer and I and my Mom are the main caregivers for him. Right now he is now beginning to decline in health.

We both are going through a lot becuase we are facing serious illness/end of life issues with our parents while planning a new life together. We both have decided becuase of this to have a long engagement (1 year to a year and half). Added to which I am trying to finish off my degree. Anybody has some words of supprt and advice to get through this complex situation?


#2

My mother-in-law had a stroke a few years ago that left her paralyzed on the left side with slightly diminished mental capabilities (ex: length of time only occasionally means something to her or telling her next weekend something happens doesn't sink as she will start thinking it means tomorrow or the next day, etc).

My husband is an only child who lives within driving distance for weekend family trips but not close enough for daily contact besides the phone. When we first started dating he was going down to see his parents every other weekend. To facilitate our relationship that changed to every third weekend. Now that we're married with a baby on the way I've noticed that it can sometimes before a month or five weeks between visits.

One of the things that helped us as a couple and the family as two separate families was to talk, talk, talk. DH and I had to be open about our feelings as well as talk to his parents about what taking on a wife and new family would mean for the old famiily dynamic. Sure there's been bumps along the way, but overall the high communication has helped.

I don't know that I would recommend putting off your marriage due to ill parents. If you want to get married, find out when a good time for the two of you to get married would be. Then involve your parents to figure out how everyone could work together for this marriage to happen. You and your future husband need to start figuring out the twisty path of creating your own unique family while also continuing the previous family, just perhaps not in the same structure.


#3

Hi
We had aging and sick parents when we were engaged over 25 years ago. . We were wondering how to marry in those circumstances to look after my mum.Then my mum died, then my dad had a stroke. Then my husband's dad died a few weeks before our wedding in his eighties. We were set to cancel the wedding but his mother insisted we go ahead even though that left her on her own, and she wouldn't move in with us because she had had difficulties in marriage when her mum lived with her. She was thoughtful like that. :imsorry:
I agree with the poster above that you should think about marriage despite the circumstances, but it was a sad time in a way with the bereavements...however there was no right time or better time as life goes on and we married and continued with support of relatives in our own way. However it is very much a decision only you two can and should make as any one else can only say so much, and your situation and all about it is unique in its own way
The sort of thing you could think on is how to support both sets of parents once married.
best wishes:gopray:


#4

I think what you are doing is great - too many times older people are not treated well. There was a thread about this just the other day. I can't give advice but maybe you could talk to a priest at your parish, especially if you know the priest and/or where you would want to get married. He may have some advice about fitting in engagement issues and wedding preparations.

good luck!


#5

Forgive me for being blunt, but it sounds like you’re waiting for you and your fiance’s parents to die before getting married. I don’t think that is necessary or even a good idea. If you get married sooner, your parents might still have enough strength to attend and after the wedding you could pool your resources to help take car of them. I.e., without two mortgage/rent payments you could afford another nurse to help out or more gas money to get to their houses.
If I were in that difficult and emotionally-draining situation I would need the support of my husband to get through it. Together, you two could find a way to make it work. I am sure your parents would not want you to put your love and your dreams on hold because of them if it was not necessary. You both are wonderful for taking care of your ailing parents instead of abandoning them in a nursing home and never visiting them. That’s much too common today. :frowning:


#6

[quote="Charlotte1776, post:5, topic:215806"]
Forgive me for being blunt, but it sounds like you're waiting for you and your fiance's parents to die before getting married. I don't think that is necessary or even a good idea. If you get married sooner, your parents might still have enough strength to attend and after the wedding you could pool your resources to help take car of them. I.e., without two mortgage/rent payments you could afford another nurse to help out or more gas money to get to their houses.
If I were in that difficult and emotionally-draining situation I would need the support of my husband to get through it. Together, you two could find a way to make it work. I am sure your parents would not want you to put your love and your dreams on hold because of them if it was not necessary. You both are wonderful for taking care of your ailing parents instead of abandoning them in a nursing home and never visiting them. That's much too common today. :(

[/quote]

Nothing could be further from the truth as far as waiting for our parents to die.That is not a nice thing to say. We had made plans to facilitate both sets of parents should they live or die.

Our original plan was to wait until June 2012 when I will have gradauted from university and we have moved up that date to January 2012. There are no moartgage/rent issues with either house as I live with my Mom and Dad (in our country it is commoon for adult children to live with parents till marriage) and he owns his house about five minutes drive from mine. The issue of waiting a bit simply has to do with him doing the house renovations needed to accomodate his new life as it is a small one with room for exapnsion.

We are both simply in a very tough and stressful situation on both ends and house and wedding planning are both not easy in addition to him having to keep his job and me having to honour my scholarship.In addition I also have bipolar disorder. It is simply prudent to have a fourteen month engagement to plan our lives togehter without going crazy or killing out ourselves with stress.


#7

I don`t have any advice for you since I am still single. I can offer both you and your families my prayers though.

It sounds like you are setting loving examples for each other by each taking care of your parents with patience and kindness. If you can get through these kind of heartaches and challenges, then planning the actual wedding will be a piece of cake.

I applaud you for taking your time with the wedding preparation. There is no need to freak out about what kind of dress your bridesmaid will wear when you already know what is important in life.

I wish you both the best.

Sincerely,

Maria1212


closed #8

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