I’m scared in the sense of how God evens things out upon death and whether the balance tips for or against me.
I think, like alot of christians, I’m worried about not making the final cut, the final grade, and not passing the test, as it were. I know we shouldn’t look at it in terms like that, but how can we not sometimes? We’re told to do this, do that, not do this or that, observe this but not that, and so on and this is all coming from religion, not to include what life demands of us.
We’re bound to fail and end our lives in some kind of personal failure or incomplete work or mission. No one can honesty say they’re ready to go. If they are, then they’re saints and are in direct communion with God so as to know He favors them and will save them.
But for the rest of us, who struggle to find our spiritual identities, and at such a young age (I’m 26) I wonder if when I die my best was good enough. I’ve made great improvements in my spiritual life, but, not surprisingly, the frequency of my mortal sins have gone up as well, and I’m needing to go to confession more often than before. The more I am aware of myself and what goes on around me, the more I realize what sin is and how to identify it. And when I’m capable of doing that, I realize how far deep I’m into sin or how far away from God I am.
But then, that’s what we think of ourselves. What does God think? I think the biggest torture for a person is not knowing for sure what He thinks and how He will judge us. There’s what the church says He’ll do, and then there’s what He’ll actually do. The church often uses the word “ordinarily” when describing how God administers grace or forgiveness.
Well, I’ll go out on a limb here and say lots of the situations we find ourselves in are not “ordinary” and are compromised of many conflicting elements. It’s never clear cut and dry. For God, who is all-knowing and all-seeing, yes, but for us meager humans, in our limited capacities, that insecurity will always be there.
All I can do at the end of the day is say “God, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I’ll try harder tomorrow.”
In a perfect world we’d be perfect children, but we’re not and God realizes this. So it’s my faith that God will hopefully take whatever good I have done in my life or was aiming to do, and He blesses it, has pity on me, and allows me to be saved in my final moments. In the case of an unprovided death or sudden death, I can only do the same thing up until that point- hope that I’ve done at least something right with my life or a series of things that pleases Him enough that He’ll grant me purgatory, and eventually, Heaven.