[quote="mommamaree, post:13, topic:209548"]
I've never really understood this. I've been married for 13 years this November, and I have never thought of being married as 'hard' or difficult. Why do people say this? What does it mean to be 'hard'?
For me, I love my husband so much that the thought of not being married to him is terrifying. If there is a problem in the relationship, it is my selfishness (and sometimes his). It is never our marriage that is the problem. Marriage is the solution to our problems. Marriage has helped us to grow and develop stronger characters. It has helped us to become increasingly selfless. It has given us children. It has given us a shoulder to cry on, a hand to squeeze, a neck to hug, and so much more. Anything that life might throw at us, we can lean upon each other to get through it. If anything, I would say marriage makes life easier.
Sure, we have our fair share of marital spats. But that is just us having a moment of stupidity or selfishness and once we snap out of it, we can laugh and move on.
So, why do people talk about marriage as 'hard'? I am sincerely curious about this, too, so please don't misunderstand my questions here. I decided not to participate in the poll yet, because while my marriage is very happy, and always has been a source of happiness in my life, I see the reality that most married couples around us are not happy and have no idea what is going wrong. :shrug:
I think this MIGHT be an issue of semantics.
Why I might consider marriage "hard":
While I adore my husband, he comes with family that I probably wouldn't hang out with on a regular basis (or maybe ever.) But they are not bad people, and they are important, especially to DH. I can get over myself and cheerfully invite them into my home. NOT always an "easy" task
DH works very hard and I appreciate that. He also loves what he does, and I'm happy for him. His hours are INSANE! Because we have small children my schedule IS his schedule. Therefore MY hours are INSANE. Plus, I "work" in the middle of the night and even when I'm sick. That's HARD! Sometimes it doesn't feel like a "team" effort. And when you're tired, like anything else that takes effort, it's easy to blow up and make mistakes.
DH went through the horror of having cancer. Not only his life was potentially in jeapordy but EVERYTHING we planned for together. This was one of the HARDEST things we've ever been through. Each of us having our own roles to play. It was scary for him. He wants compassion. He also has to be a good patient. I have to be a researcher, and supportive, and scared without showing it, but showing enough to indicate concern without stimulating panic etc... THIS IS NOT EASY...
Basically, you hand your heart to someone, and they hand you theirs. You trust each other not to break it, to protect it, to nourish it. It's hard to relinquish that control, and it's hard to know that you're doing everything right.
Again, it's like the little clipping on my bathroom mirror says..." Successful marriages don't work on automatic pilot - at least not for long. Like a garden, they require constant attention: fertilizing, watering, and weeding. Healthy marriages, like gardens, don't die suddenly. More often they fade away from a gradual lack of attentiveness, letting things slidde, taking each other for granted.
And I gotta tell you... I LOVE a beautiful garden. One that's all attended to. Lots of pretty flowers, and decidant fruits and veges. with little suprises planted here and there... but it takes work. That doesn't just spring up...
And even more, even if MY garden isn't perfect and has a few weeds... They're MY WEEDS! And I'm thrilled to be out there playing in the dirt... I'm HAPPY about it... even if my back hurts, or I get a sunburn... So, I'm voting marriages are mostly happy!