Are my actions unforgiveable?

Hello - I am a new member, interested in the Catholic faith, and I have a question - I will try to keep it as short and to the point as I can.

As a child/teen, I was hurt and scarred deeply on a mental and emotional level by people who twisted and abused God’s teachings, and unfortunately, this really poisoned my relationship with God. It took me YEARS to realise that this was not God’s fault.

What unfortunately happened in my late teens was that I began to believe that the devil was the true saviour… I thought he was simply misunderstood, that he was “the good guy”, so I began to pray to him.

Eventually I got involved in a cult-like group of people, who shattered my pretty illusion, but then found myself caught in the web, and had a hard time breaking free from it again.

I would like to make it clear that I never participated in anything you may have seen in horror films… I never wanted to harm anyone or anything. And ironically, I ALWAYS had certain morals and standards for myself that equals what the Bible teaches. But still, it doesn’t change the fact that I did worship the devil, and tried to convert others to do the same. It doesn’t change the fact that I thought and said things about God that I now wish I hadn’t. And when I finally broke free, I felt like my soul had rotted away.

That is a long time ago now, and I have since tried to live a very different life. I have been very drawn to Catholicism for years, but have held back for two reasons: one being the scars from my childhood, but I think I am past that now.

The other is much worse…

Recent dramatic events in my life, where I nearly lost my life, made me realise what is really important to me… and the ONE thing that was constantly on my mind was that I was desperate to repair my relationship with God… and a burning need to be “cleansed”, forgiven for my stupidity back then.

But… can I be forgiven at all for what I have done? Would God even “want me back” now? Would the Church welcome someone like me? I really want to contact my local church, but I am worried about how I will be received.

The truth is that I can’t even forgive myself, and i don’t feel I deserve anything good in life… and I’ve tried to pray, I’ve tried to apologise, but unlike that warm feeling I had as a kid when I prayed… I just feel nothing, like there’s no connection, and that scares me. I don’t know if it’s just in my head, because honestly, I don’t feel like I’m worthy of having my prayers heard. Or am I just a hopeless case now?

Yes, yes, YES! Yes – you can be forgiven. YES – God “wants you back”! Yes – the Church welcomes you!

The path to joining the Catholic Church is a process known as ‘RCIA’ (the “Rite of Catholic Initiation of Adults”). Contact your local parish and ask them about it. RCIA programs tend to start in September or October and end at Easter Vigil, so you might not be able to jump in and be baptized this spring. However, your parish might allow you to sit in on classes now, and go through the program completely next year. Your participation this year, if the opportunity is offered you, will give you a head-start and a basis to begin to integrate into the parish community.

The truth is that I can’t even forgive myself, and i don’t feel I deserve anything good in life

This is one of the most difficult parts of forgiveness – allowing yourself permission to believe that you are, in fact, forgiven. Look around, ask around, and see if you can’t find a priest who is a good counselor. Perhaps you might have the opportunity to sit down with him and talk about your apprehensions.

I don’t feel like I’m worthy of having my prayers heard. Or am I just a hopeless case now?

You are absolutely worthy of having your prayers heard! You are absolutely not a hopeless case! I’ll be praying for you!

I once had demonic thoughts and struggled with my sexuality. Jesus received me warts and all. (the warts are going little by little).

YES!! God wants you back! You can be forgiven!!

I would definitely talk to a priest, and keeping praying. Keeping asking for forgiveness

We are all children of God!

May God Bless you

peace on your journey back to Him

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Divine Mercy Image - St. Faustina

Jesus to St Faustina -

"These two rays issued forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when My agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross." (Diary, 299)

"…when you go to confession, to this fountain of My mercy, the Blood and Water which came forth from My Heart always flows down upon your soul and ennobles it. Every time you go to confession, immerse yourself entirely in My mercy, with great trust, so that I may pour the bounty of My grace upon your soul. When you approach the confessional, know this, that I myself am waiting there for you. I am only hidden by the priest, but I myself act in your soul. Here the misery of the soul meets the God of mercy. Souls draw graces solely with the vessel of trust. If their trust is great, there is no limit to My generosity. The torrents of grace inundate humble souls." (Diary, 1603).

"Tell sinful souls not to be afraid to approach Me; speak to them of My great mercy" (Diary, 1396).

God Bless

Thank you for reading

Yes. Talk to a priest ASAP. Also, be on the look out for demonic activity. Demons can attach themselves to people, and you probably are at risk due to the devil worship.

EDIT: I mean yes you can be forgiven, not yes in reply to the title.

Thank you so much for your replies! That is really a big relief… and Josh, your posts in particular really made me feel a lot better :slight_smile:

I feel a little bad about the fact that I had to go through a personal tragedy to get to this point… but on the other hand, in an extreme situation like that, you stop caring about all the superficial stuff, you stop overthinking everything… you only focus on what is actually really important, especially in a situation where you don’t know how much time you have left.

Please don’t get me wrong, though, it’s not because I am looking for something to “fix me”… it’s simply that I realised just how important it was and is for me to get my spiritual life in order, and how much it was bothering me.

I have wondered about that for a few years, to be honest. It just seems as if every time I am about to do something good and positive, something bad happens out of the blue, usually health related, that stops me from completing it. I don’t know, maybe I’m reading too much into things… but even during my recent crisis, as I was having this entire eye-opening experience, things just kept getting worse, to the point where I have to admit I wondered if something wanted me to give up again. It’s all just speculation, of course.

Anyway… I was really happy to log on here and read everyone’s replys, so thank you all… as soon as my health allows it, I will get in touch with my local church. I will also stick around this forum, as I am sure I can learn a thing or two from it :slight_smile:


:slight_smile: I hope you don’t mind if I share with you another small piece that I believe may help

Thank you again - and sorry for my late reply, my Internet access is a bit limited at the moment. It definitely did help :slight_smile:

Don’t worry as long as you are seeking God’s forgiveness! There is no such thing as unforgivable sin this side of the grave. Only dying in the state of mortal sin is unforgivable.

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