Are my fiancé and I giving the appearance of scandal?


#1

My fiancé moved out of his apartment and into his parents’ house. I moved into my fiancé’s apartment (from another city). My fiancé has been coming to the apartment every day during his lunch break. He also comes over sometimes in the evening. Is this giving the appearance of scandal? Is it appropriate for him to come over at all (perhaps less frequently) in reference to the appearance of scandal? (Yes, I've read the CCC on this topic numerous times.)

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#2

No, your not giving scandal to anyone. He's not spending the night, just hanging out. I think it's fine.


#3

You're not doing anything sinful and you're not even giving the appearance of living together. You live in different places and you're just spending time together alone... as you should be since you're getting ready for marriage. Don't worry, you're fine.


#4

AS long as he is just visiting and not staying the night I would say personally no. It's good that you are thinking about this issue though well done.


#5

only to people who are minding your business instead of their own. How on earth would they know how and where you are spending your time in any case?


#6

God bless you both for doing this the right way!!! :thumbsup:

You are fine - just set a curfew for yourselves and stick to it, don't worry about busy body neighbors.

~Liza


#7

I am not as sure as the above posters that it is ok, since you are living alone and people see him come in sometimes in the evening.Given modern culture, neighbors may easily assume that you are not just talking inside the apartment. You would not be asking if you were not yourself sensing the possibility that others may be getting the wrong idea. Maybe if there were a couple of girl roommates living with you, his visiting the home may seem more like an innocent friendly-like encounter.


#8

[quote="Tamsulosin, post:7, topic:203578"]
I am not as sure as the above posters that it is ok, since you are living alone and people see him come in sometimes in the evening.Given modern culture, neighbors may easily assume that you are not just talking inside the apartment. You would not be asking if you were not yourself sensing the possibility that others may be getting the wrong idea. Maybe if there were a couple of girl roommates living with you, his visiting the home may seem more like an innocent friendly-like encounter.

[/quote]

That's taking scrupulosity way too far. Take a deep breath. You can't control what other people think.


#9

[quote="Tamsulosin, post:7, topic:203578"]
Given modern culture, neighbors may easily assume that you are not just talking inside the apartment.

[/quote]

Given modern culture, if you change your facebook status to "in a relationship", people may easily assume that there's more going on than just talking.

That's the problem I've always had with "scandal" - it's too easy to take it to the extreme. These days, since relationships are assumed to sin, simply being in a relationship can be sinful. You've got to draw the line somewhere (and I mean somewhere practical - I know some on here will advocate for chaperoned dates, but come on...)


#10

[quote="CoffeeHound, post:9, topic:203578"]
Given modern culture, if you change your facebook status to "in a relationship", people may easily assume that there's more going on than just talking.

That's the problem I've always had with "scandal" - it's too easy to take it to the extreme. These days, since relationships are assumed to sin, simply being in a relationship can be sinful. You've got to draw the line somewhere (and I mean somewhere practical - I know some on here will advocate for chaperoned dates, but come on...)

[/quote]

In the Facebook trend, two big thumbs up for this post. The chaperoned thing confuses me. I'm 30-should I call my mom and dad and see if they can come with me?


#11

There are at least two lines of thought:

1You" do "care what other people may assume and think. Certain values are timeless for you.
It is important for you to present an image of how catholics are and behave.You are a catholic bride and you are proud of it. Catholics set a higher bar.:heaven:

2 You do not care.Other people should get a life and mind their own business.
To worry about how it may be perceived is passe. After all we are in the 21 century,and
nobody lives according to catholic standards anymore.Just do your thing and do not worry.:egyptian:


#12

[quote="Tamsulosin, post:7, topic:203578"]
I am not as sure as the above posters that it is ok, since you are living alone and people see him come in sometimes in the evening.Given modern culture, neighbors may easily assume that you are not just talking inside the apartment. You would not be asking if you were not yourself sensing the possibility that others may be getting the wrong idea. Maybe if there were a couple of girl roommates living with you, his visiting the home may seem more like an innocent friendly-like encounter.

[/quote]

Just curious...

Are you suggesting that women should not live alone? Or perhaps that women who live alone should never have male visitors?

Or is it just that the apartment was once the home of the fiancé so the neighbors would assume he continues to live there if he comes over?


#13

[quote="Rascalking, post:10, topic:203578"]
I'm 30-should I call my mom and dad and see if they can come with me?

[/quote]

According to the threads on "courtship" vs "dating" you need someone else with you as you shouldn't be alone with a member of the opposite sex (since it's occasion of sin and scandalous).

That's what gets me with these sorts of things. You don't want to give in to relativism and say "well, that's the way things work today" but at the same time, you have to live in the modern world. So where is the line?


#14

[quote="Tamsulosin, post:11, topic:203578"]
There are at least two lines of thought:

1You" do "care what other people may assume and think. Certain values are timeless for you.
It is important for you to present an image of how catholics are and behave.You are a catholic bride and you are proud of it. Catholics set a higher bar.:heaven:

2 You do not care.Other people should get a life and mind their own business.
To worry about how it may be perceived is passe. After all we are in the 21 century,and
nobody lives according to catholic standards anymore.Just do your thing and do not worry.:egyptian:

[/quote]

What you describe is not scandal as the Church defines it:

newadvent.org/cathen/13506d.htm


#15

As long as there is no sex involved and regular overnights I dont see a problem. Most people dont care. These days the gender mixing is such that it is hard to tell if it is a relationship or just friends. Those that do know will think what they will regardless. I would be careful though. If it really bothers you I would limit his visits.


#16

She is worried about the "appearance "of scandal.
I just presented the two paths to choose from.:set an example or follow the modern trend,what is now acceptable and fashionable.
Most people nowadays, like to relax and blend with what the crowd does.Nobody will probably care if she receives a male visitor alone in the evenings.(Maybe if it was their daughter they might for they would know that keeping chaste would be more difficult)Oh, I forgot virginity
is not important anymore in the modern liberal world.Sorry.


#17

The situation described in the original post is fine. People who have issues with it are probably wound just a little too tightly.


#18

Ok, tell you what just get chastity belts and give the first neighbor that has a problem with it the key and we can all go back to the medieval days and live happily ever after. OK - just kidding but for real at some point you have to be all right with you and know that you don't need to question your actions and also maybe eating on your porch or in a place of full view if you have one may also help. God bless.


#19

To all:

Thank you for your advice encouragement, humor, and words of wisdom. I have spoken to the priest doing our marriage prep, and he knows my fiance very well, how he is constantly going out of his way to protect my dignity and honor my purity. He does it for me, for him, for us. It's beautiful. Knowing that about him, and knowing the current state of society, he says that we are not a cause for scandal at all. (I should also mention that there is only one key to the apartment, so he is never there unless I am.)

God has truly blessed me with a soul that reflects St. Joseph in such a beautiful way. I can't wait to be his wife!


#20

As someone who has kind of "been there, done that," the best advice I can give you is to continue to leave chastely until marriage and forget what "appearance" people put into their own heads. Honestly! One of the biggest things that really bothered me was how people take these things to the extreme. Just because you are having your fiance visit you in the evenings and you live alone does not mean you are having sex. And the fact that you are living alone should be enough to quell many people's thoughts anyway. I always found it humorous to think that people made assumptions that if you're together for more than 2 years you've got to be having sex, or if you see each other at night you're doing more than holding hands and kissing, etc. Little do people know it's possible to still be living under your parents' roof and have sex :dts: or engage in other behaviors which are not appropriate for Christians.

If you were talking openly about having sex, that would be scandal. If you two lived together outside of marriage that would be scandal. But you're not doing either, so the only appearance of scandal that you need to worry about would be if you were doing something scandalous in the first place.


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