Are some people who are called to marriage just too "different" to be married?


#1

For example, say someone has aspergers, autism or depression or any other mental illness. How are they supposed to find someone. I know God has his ways, but sometimes it just seems impossible. For example, I have a friend who has Aspergers. While he is a great and devout man devoted to his faith and loves music, he wants to be married and feels he is called, but he just doesn't have the social nuances needed to get a spouse.

What about people who are just too odd or too different, or that are sociall awkward. I'm not saying God has abandoned these people, but unless a few people I know have received the wrong callings, I feel like some people are just set up for heartbreak. So are some people who are called to marriage just setting themselves up for this. Or are they just not listening to god.


#2

God will not call someone and then make it impossible to follow this call. If someone cannot marry then he is not called, simple.


#3

A simple desire to be married does not make a person "called" to marriage. Really, unless you are married, or are in a serious relationship and discerning marriage you can not be certain that marriage is your call. If it is your call then God will present you with that opportunity.

I am in this boat. I have a mental illness and I wonder about whether or not marriage would be "too much" for me, especially having children. I am not sure I would be able to be a good spouse and mother. This is just the reality God has given me.

A lot of people will argue endlessly about whether or not the single life is a vocation. I have been a part of such arguments. The reality is that there are a lot of people who for whatever reason do not and maybe even should not enter marriage or religious life or priesthood. This does not mean God does not have a plan for us. It can be difficult to accept when sometimes we might WANT a vocation that God does not offer us. Ultimately, however, we have to trust ourselves to His Providence.


#4

For every person called to marriage there is someone out there! I have seen good, attractive people never make a match, by there own choice. I have also seen people, who many would not consider a good marriage candidate, find an excellent spouse. I had a friend who was hideously burned. Lost his face. Burned, arms, hands, no fingers, & legs burned through the muscle. Wheel chair bound. Couldn't even bath himself. His eyes wept, all the time. He became Christian through this tragedy. Met and married a wonderful Lady. They are very happy!


#5

[quote="benjammin, post:1, topic:305485"]
For example, say someone has aspergers, autism or depression or any other mental illness. How are they supposed to find someone. I know God has his ways, but sometimes it just seems impossible. For example, I have a friend who has Aspergers. While he is a great and devout man devoted to his faith and loves music, he wants to be married and feels he is called, but he just doesn't have the social nuances needed to get a spouse.

What about people who are just too odd or too different, or that are sociall awkward. I'm not saying God has abandoned these people, but unless a few people I know have received the wrong callings, I feel like some people are just set up for heartbreak. So are some people who are called to marriage just setting themselves up for this. Or are they just not listening to god.

[/quote]

I know how you feel man. I have Schizoaffective Disorder (which is pretty well under control), SEVERE depression, and perhaps even Aspergers and I can't help but look at the young women who ARE at church and go "welp, so much for that." I can't work, and am weird as all get out, so I don't feel to optimistic. I still hold on to hope though, because I honestly believe that God told me that I will find someone. (God talking to me is not a common occurrence, I swear :p ) I've mentioned this to other Catholics and have been told right away that I'm probably called to be single. Not even an attempt to look on the bright side or convince me that there's hope. Poor folks get married all the time all over the world throughout all of history. Why is it that if you're poor and live in America, all of a sudden Christians think you shouldn't get married? Isn't that essentially assimilating to the surrounding middle-class culture?

Why are Catholics such normies? As a Protestant I felt I had a place because I knew there were freaks and geeks there. Now I feel like an island.


#6

[quote="WoundedIcon, post:5, topic:305485"]
I've mentioned this to other Catholics and have been told right away that I'm probably called to be single. Not even an attempt to look on the bright side or convince me that there's hope.

[/quote]

Lifelong singlehood =/= no hope. There's more to life than getting married.


#7

God will not call someone and then make it impossible to follow this call. If someone cannot marry then he is not called, simple.

Absolutely. Having a desire towards a vocation is one possible sign that one is called to that vocation, but it isn't an absolute sign.

Having said that, it doesn't mean your friend isn't called to marriage. I'm sure there are people who have asperger's syndrome who have been successful married before (perhaps even to other people who have asperger's.) Sometimes a permanent mental illness or disability can, unfortuantely, stand in the way of marriage, but I doubt it is always the case. It will depend of the individual.

Whatever happens to your friend, it will be God's plan. Make sure to pray for his vocation, whatever God decides that is to be. :)

God Bless


#8

[quote="Regina_Love, post:4, topic:305485"]
For every person called to marriage there is someone out there! I have seen good, attractive people never make a match, by there own choice. I have also seen people, who many would not consider a good marriage candidate, find an excellent spouse. I had a friend who was hideously burned. Lost his face. Burned, arms, hands, no fingers, & legs burned through the muscle. Wheel chair bound. Couldn't even bath himself. His eyes wept, all the time. He became Christian through this tragedy. Met and married a wonderful Lady. They are very happy!

[/quote]

Amen Regina! If we have Faith in our Lord, God has some one for every one, who is called. He knew us in our mothers womb. I believe Abraham and Sarah can apply here even though they were married, the couldn't have children. Yet God came in and did the super natural and they had a child in their old age.If God has called some one, in a true calling, he will make it happen. That is were are faith and prayers come in.:)


#9

I can vouch for the fact that people with clinical depression, bipolar disorder, autism, Asperger's, and even Tourette's syndrome are capable of marriage. Do not despair! I have friends and family with these conditions who are married, and thank God, many are quite happy in their marriages. My own husband has Tourette's. None of these disorders made them any less desirable, socially or physically or spiritually. In fact, gracefully dealing with one's disabilities and afflictions can show strength of character and, dare I say it...can be quite sexy. I mean that in the sense of causing legitimate and good attraction between potential partners.
Most people who know my husband realize he has Tourette's. It is as plain as the nose on his face. Tics and vocalizations are common and recognizable. But guess what? No one cares. He is known for his kindness and his great sense of humor. Most of us forget he has the disorder because it doesn't matter.
The same is true for anyone who accepts their disorder/affliction.

P.s. I will share a little secret. Before my husband and I started dating in earnest, I met a guy with a kind of physical disability that affecting his speech and gait. I found him quite attractive, too. He was also very bright and nice, although not especially handsome.

Mental and physical disabilities, and how we deal with them, contribute to the total package of who we are and what we have to offer others.


#10

[quote="WoundedIcon, post:5, topic:305485"]
I know how you feel man. I have Schizoaffective Disorder (which is pretty well under control), SEVERE depression, and perhaps even Aspergers and I can't help but look at the young women who ARE at church and go "welp, so much for that." I can't work, and am weird as all get out, so I don't feel to optimistic. I still hold on to hope though, because I honestly believe that God told me that I will find someone. (God talking to me is not a common occurrence, I swear :p ) I've mentioned this to other Catholics and have been told right away that I'm probably called to be single. Not even an attempt to look on the bright side or convince me that there's hope. Poor folks get married all the time all over the world throughout all of history. Why is it that if you're poor and live in America, all of a sudden Christians think you shouldn't get married? Isn't that essentially assimilating to the surrounding middle-class culture?

**Why are Catholics such normies? **As a Protestant I felt I had a place because I knew there were freaks and geeks there. Now I feel like an island.

[/quote]

Not every Catholic is like that, thankfully.

About the topic, don't despair. Don't waste time dwelling on that (I have been there, is not good). By thinking too much on it, you are not going to solve anything. Instead, spend that time on working in the areas you see that need improving.

Blessings!

:)


#11

[quote="Andre1000, post:2, topic:305485"]
God will not call someone and then make it impossible to follow this call. If someone cannot marry then he is not called, simple.

[/quote]

Not true. That's far too simplistic.

Many live lives of loneliness who feel called to marriage.


#12

[quote="triumphguy, post:11, topic:305485"]
Not true. That's far too simplistic.

Many live lives of loneliness who feel called to marriage.

[/quote]

Conversely, many people who do get married and/or have families should not have done so. That usually ends quite spectacular failures and destroys people's lives. So let's not all assume that marriage is the source of all happiness. It ain't. God is the source of all happiness and contentment.


#13

[quote="WoundedIcon, post:5, topic:305485"]
I know how you feel man. I have Schizoaffective Disorder (which is pretty well under control), SEVERE depression, and perhaps even Aspergers and I can't help but look at the young women who ARE at church and go "welp, so much for that." I can't work, and am weird as all get out, so I don't feel to optimistic. I still hold on to hope though, because I honestly believe that God told me that I will find someone. (God talking to me is not a common occurrence, I swear :p ) I've mentioned this to other Catholics and have been told right away that I'm probably called to be single. Not even an attempt to look on the bright side or convince me that there's hope. Poor folks get married all the time all over the world throughout all of history. Why is it that if you're poor and live in America, all of a sudden Christians think you shouldn't get married? Isn't that essentially assimilating to the surrounding middle-class culture?

Why are Catholics such normies? As a Protestant I felt I had a place because I knew there were freaks and geeks there. Now I feel like an island.

[/quote]

I know how you feel. I am single and have Aspergers. In my old (non-denominatioal) church, there were freaks and geeks there.

Now at the Catholic churches I see all the happy families and feel like one of Dickens' orphans, on the outside in the snow with my nose pressed against the window, looking at all the happy families having their Christmas dinners, knowing I will never have that. :(


#14

[quote="exoflare, post:6, topic:305485"]
Lifelong singlehood =/= no hope. There's more to life than getting married.

[/quote]

Getting married is just part of the issue. I'm kind of in the same boat here and I suffer from extreme lonliness. It just compounds and forms a vicious circle that makes it harder and harder to have hope. I don't think many people realize what it's like to have no one in their life they can talk to about anything. I mean no one. Sure, there are casual acquaintences at work or whatever, you can make boring small talk with, but that's it. If something good and exciting happens to/for me, I don't have anyone to share the news with. If something bad/sad happens to me, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. That leads to depression (not the chemical imbalance kind, but the situational kind) that only makes it harder for anything to change positively. Unfortunately, things always seem like they can get worse, but it's very hard to picture them getting any better.


#15

[quote="Bataar, post:14, topic:305485"]
Getting married is just part of the issue. I'm kind of in the same boat here and I suffer from extreme lonliness. It just compounds and forms a vicious circle that makes it harder and harder to have hope. I don't think many people realize what it's like to have no one in their life they can talk to about anything. I mean no one. Sure, there are casual acquaintences at work or whatever, you can make boring small talk with, but that's it. If something good and exciting happens to/for me, I don't have anyone to share the news with. If something bad/sad happens to me, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. That leads to depression (not the chemical imbalance kind, but the situational kind) that only makes it harder for anything to change positively. Unfortunately, things always seem like they can get worse, but it's very hard to picture them getting any better.

[/quote]

Well anyway that's a totally different beast. The thing is it's a lot easier to make a few close friends than it is to get married. Having no close friends I can see as being a huge problem and very depressing, but not so with merely being single which isn't bad at all.


#16

Excellent question. Although I would split a semantic hair too about the “called” vs. “desiring” distinction. Or qualify it by saying “feel called,” “think I’m being called” or “am discerning whether I’m called” rather than simply “called.”

Now that we clarified that, I think this is a very good question to raise. Social awkwardness can really put a damper on things. Lack of dating experience due to social awkwardness can become a vicious circle.

Feeling lonely compounds the problem.

At this point in my life I’m fairly happy being a single lady, though open if God does seem to be :wink: calling me to marriage at some point. But this was not always the case, particularly when I was still of childbearing age. Yet I also feared that my anxiety problems might make me an unfit mother. It’s not always easy to find just the right meds/counseling/whatever one needs. So it’s hard to say. :shrug:


#17

It is very possible for someone with Asperger's to marry. My husband has mild Asperger's/high-functioning autism and our marriage is wonderful. I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) for which I take medication that's very helpful. The only answer I can give you is that if God has called you to marriage, He has created you a helpmeet who can adjust to your differences. (We have a friend who has Asperger's, more severe than my husband's. He's married with 3 kids.)


#18

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