I don’t have an answer to that exactly, but… I would like to go back to the way it was. I felt a lot closer to God before I entered the Catholic Church.
I was brought up nominally Protestant, with no real formation so to speak, ended up an adult atheist. After a born again type of experience that happened outside of any church setting, I ended up regularly attending a quiet little Anglican church which in some ways was very Catholic actually, but still, in other ways had that New England Protestant quality that’s hard to describe, but very nice. I was settled into something like CS Lewis’ “mere Christianity” and quite happy, and day by day was becoming closer to God and less sinful and more happy.
Eventually it became clear that the Anglican community had it wrong on certain issues, and as I learned more and more about the RCC, intellectually I didn’t see any other choice but to convert. My heart seemed in it, too.
But I hate going Mass, confession feels like a bad therapy session, and I don’t for the life of me understand what’s appealing about fellowship. I’m frustrated by having to explain to cradle Catholics of all people why a woman can’t be a priest, and speaking of priests, of all I’ve talked to, not one has the clear, practical spiritual advice I expected Catholic priests to possess (I blame Chesterton for the expectation).
All of it has really been wearing me down over the past year in particular. I’m just tired, that’s all. I’d like to return to sneaking into the back a small church when I feel like I need a Sunday service, not because I’ll have to go to confession for mortal sin if I don’t. I’d like to be able to take off this brown scapular without worrying that I’m somehow thumbing my nose at Marian devotion and thereby increasing the likelihood of my heading south for eternity. I’d like to go one week without hearing about the Catechism, CYO, or Cursillo, one week without novenas, extra rosary intentions and worrying about how many dying souls will have to suffer longer because I didn’t feel like praying a Chaplet of Divine Mercy this Friday. I’d like to go one Sunday without having to pretend like I’m in deep prayer after communion when the fact of the matter is that although I acknowledge the divine truth of the Holy Eucharist, my heart’s never moved after receiving.
I hope that helps explain things.