Arguing with husband


#1

Hi, I’ve been lurking for quite some time and finally decided to join and post. Tonight I wanted to post because I just had an argument with my husband that left me feeling like I cannot do anything right :frowning:

We went to rent a movie and to buy some beer. When we were paying for the beer, he made a lame comment about me being 19. I look really young despite my age and the cashier at the store wouldn’t believe my license was mine, especially after he said I was 19. After we left, i told him to please not make those kind of comments again, especially when buying alcohol because one day they might fall for his lame jokes and decide not to sell me the drinks. When we got to the car I told him I wasn’t happy he said that because once when I was 22 I was in Nevada in the casinos, and the dealer would just stare and stare at my id and wouldn’t let me play because he thought my id was fake, he said I didn’t even look 18 and wouldn’t give me my id back. I got so angry that one time, I never went back again. But my husband just laughed and thought it was funny.

We got home and he was upset because he went straight into the kitchen and then to our bedroom. He came out to get his cell phone and I tried talking to him, but he flustered and went back to the room. Me, trying to make him happy, I made him a Mexican style beer with lime, salt and hot sauce since he just loves those Mexican drinks. Well, I went in trying to be all cutesy and he just flat out told me that if I didn’t want him to leave the house to leave him alone in the bedroom. Whenever he makes me mad, he comes after me and is all mushy trying to make me smile. I tried doing what he usually does with me, but he got more upset and I had to leave our room and came to the office crying. It’s been almost an hour and he’s still mad.

I feel like I can’t do anything right to please this man. I don’t think I did anything wrong for him to be this upset so I feel like a failure right now :frowning:


#2

I am sorry you guys had a bad time, but let me put myself in your husband’s situation and see if I am like him.

First, your nickname “little_one” - that makes me think you are really young. :smiley: Secondly, it’s good to see a wife who looks younger than her age - it is a complement. Third, I would laugh too when the security guy wanted to take away your ID.

I admit that guys are sometimes insensitive - if you understand that, it will help you next time when he has such joke. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t let him know how you feel, but I hope it doesn’t have to end up with some argument.

About him getting even more upset after you try to please him, I don’t know how to answer that.

I hope things go well soon.

God bless.

Disclaimer: I am not married - inexperienced about husband-wife issue.


#3

my username is because I’m short… I tried using shorty but it was already taken :blush: but I’m 39. Maybe I should’ve let it by but he still won’t talk to me or let me go to our bedroom :frowning: he wants to be left alone or he’ll leave the house to drive around and come back and God only knows the hr he’d come home


#4

My sister is 40 and around 5 feet tall, and she looks young too. She’s happy about it.

If this helps I share with you that I had hot temper sometimes, but the one who helped me finally admit my problem is my girlfriend. She was so patient and loving despite of my ignorance and how I had treated her in the past. Especially, when problem like your case happened to us, I got angry quickly and would like not to talk. During that moment, all I wanted was that nobody disturb me.

I can’t tell how this works in your case, but I could tell you that with patience, loving, and forgiving, you will help change the person.

When I got upset, my girlfriend would pray, pray, and pray. You can start praying now.

God bless.


#5

Excellent post water! :thumbsup:


#6

Water, while I think you give good advice, I can’t help but see some of my husband in hers - if you read my post you will see I am going through a similar thing of a worse degree.

Poster, from what i can see you husband makes jokes about you IN PUBLIC when he knows you do not like it and then has the nerve to tell you leave him alone if you dont’ want him to leave - after you try to make him happy and cooled down. That is exactly what I do too. It backfires on me everytime. Is this all your husband said? Usually mine likes to try to make me feel like someone basically as hurt as anyone can be - I mean what he says makes me want to walk away and do something like scream my head off or just throw something - I actually have to try to calm myself down away from him so that I can get over that feeling. He’s really good at what he does - cutting people down.

You have the right to be upset here. I don’t know what to tell you. I baby my husband, and maybe you do too a little as you wanting to make him the perfect beer seems to imply. I feel like letting him just be on his own for a while - not cooking him anything special, not cleaning up after his messes - he wants his glasses, get them yourself. You shouldn’t be treated like a doormat either. If he’s mad, let him be - you don’t have to do anything to make him better.

At the same time I am a hypoctite because I tell you one thing, but then I do another - I can’t seem to do that to my husband.
So, maybe we are in the same or similar boat. I will pray for you.


#7

This may be overly simplistic, but can you identify the situations that begin these fights and avoid them? If he consistently makes jokes about your youthful look, don’t go into the store with him to by the beer.
If he regularly shuts himself in the room, maybe you could leave and go shopping. Let him wonder where you went. I think some people like the drama that plays when they behave in such a childish manner. Don’t feed it, and as water said, pray.


#8

water’s advice is good, but let’s take it one more step.

I know you are not going to believe me, but in 20 years, you are going to be glad you look young. In 30+ years, you might be the youngest looking grandmother in the line at preschool to pick up. Everybody else is going to be running to get peeled and tucked, while you are just going to go off on your merry way with youthful looks intact.

But that doesn’t solve the problem now, does it?

Having been there and done that, I am not exactly short- 5’4", and grew as an adult from 5’2"- but I look a lot younger than my 51 years, to the point where I can luxuriate in the beautiful gray/ black hair God gave me and still look ten years younger than my peers. So I am qualified with advice, speaking from experience.

1.) It will cost you some money (about $20 to $50), but put a notarized copy of your birth certificate and marriage license in your purse. Do not leave your purse ANYWHERE. From now on, it’s your best buddy, under your arm, on a heavy, long strap. Together with your driver’s license, this should suffice to prove to any croupier, bar tender or server that you are, indeed, 22.
2.) If you do not get the results you desire, you have to do what young-looking and short people do best: Ask to see the manager. Now. Demand it in a no-nonsense way. Practice saying to the mirror, “I’m sorry you feel that way. You’re wrong. I wish to speak to your manager. Now.” If the manager does not allow you to drink or gamble, ask who his or her boss is, and to talk with that person. Almost all places of entertainment have a web site with a “contact us” link.Use it when you are dissatisfied with service. Don’t be afraid to contact your attorney general or consumer relations board in your state. You have to learn to pitch a polite, civilized fit. You have to learn it’s OK to call attention to yourself when your needs are not being met in a public establishment that wants your business. And don’t be afraid to say, “Well then honey, let’s take our business elsewhere.” And DO walk out to someplace else. There are more casinos, more restaurants, more bars, who will gladly serve you.
3.) When your husband opens his big, fat, youthfully ignorant mouth in front of a croupier, server or bar tender, there are several tactics you can take. You could-
a.) Jokingly say, "Well Buford, it says here on our marriage license that when you married me, I was XX years old. Does that mean we lied on our marriage license, and you married an underaged girl under false pretenses?"
b.) Say, "Well, not according to our marriage license. Honey, take out your driver’s license and prove to the nice man/ woman that you are indeed my husband, and I am indeed 22."
c.) Write out what you would like your husband to do when you are carded and determined underaged.When your husband is in a relatively receptive mood, sit down with him and explain how much it **hurts **you when he “plays along”, that it is NOT funny to you, and that this is what you expect him to do when it happens. If you do not win his cooperation, perhaps you need some couples’ counseling for effective communication.
5.) When your husband pouts, honey, and yours was pouting- DON’T GIVE INTO HIIM. It’s a manipulation, and you don’t want to play these games in a marriage. There isn’t enough evidence to indicate he is mentally abusive, but giving into him is simply wrong. There is nothing wrong with being nice when nice is called for, but do not give in when he KNOWS he was wrong, and he uses the situation to treat you like a bad little girl. You have every right to sleep in your bed, too. Let him pout. You don’t have to please him when he knows he acted the jerk. Go to bed, on your side, and even though the books say never go to bed angry, go to sleep. Things look better in the morning.


#9

I think your husband is bragging about you. I think he beleives you are so cute and young-looking at age 39 that whenever he gets the opoprtunity to comment about your age (someone looking at your i.d. is the perfect opportunity) he uses the opportunity. He probably feels like he has a “trophy wife”! A man who is not proud of his wife’s looks would not do what your husband is doing. Perhaps he beleives it would be a rare occassion that someone would actually refuse to serve you so he takes that chance? That is my guess. It is annoying for you to be sure but he probably does it because he loves you so much and wants to show you off and draw extra attention to you!

I would do as another poster suggested and get a notarized copy of your birth certificate etc…If this happens again you could explain to the cashier that “this happens all the time…” and could I see the manager etc. Maybe that would help.

You know that your husband does not like to be doted on when he is angry. Trying to dote on him as he dotes on you is not useful. I know you were trying to show him love…but next time before you do something like that…stop and say a prayer. Ask God for guidance on what REALLY would help calm your husband down. My guess it that he needs time alone, pray for the courage to back off and give it to him as it will probably be hard.

I beleive you love him much and he sounds like he can be difficult. Marriages can be for sure. Something else you said that really struck me:

**“I feel like I can’t do anything right to please this man. I don’t think I did anything wrong for him to be this upset so I feel like a failure right now” **

This is quite a dramatic thing to say. Perhaps you used such extreme words because you are upset? You are not a failure…and I think you know that it is not true that you can’t do ANYTHING to please your husband. Some people get dramatic and extreme when they are upset. I think this is satan playing with your mind. Satan wants you to feel like a bad wife and that you are a failure. Satan wants to destroy your marriage and see you tear one another apart. The next time you feel like you “can’t do anything” just repeat the words “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” that simple prayer can do wonders. You need to try and calm yourself down in the heat of the moment to see things more clearly.

I could take your side and tell you that your husband is being a jerk but what purpose would that serve? Try and look at the big picture here. This was a bad fight but try and see the spiritual battle. You two probably have had many fights feeling like this. Look at what God wants for your marriage and try and see satan at work trying to tear you both apart. Pray for your husband, a lot. I will pray for the both of you as well. Hope this helps.


#10

Dear Little_One
I think you hurt you husbands pride/ humiliated him when you told him off…
That happens to both men and women that they get humiliated and that makes the other person unable to approach for a while.

I think he will be back to normal in no time…
But try to see if you can correct your husband in a more gentle manner to avoid such situations.


#11

How long have y’all been married? Or did I miss that somewhere?


#12

Maybe he might even feel a bit guilty about upsetting you. Feeling guilty could put him in a bad mood and make him “unsociable”. When he calms down he should be in a better mood.


#13

I have half a mind to tell you to say (in a very loud tone of voice where everyone can hear):

“Well, you didn’t care how old I was when we started having sex five years ago?”

What a big insensitive loaf! I cannot believe he was actually laughing at you??? After you tell him you are hurt and he laughs at you?

I don’t know if I would be trying to make him happy after he said that to you. Be charitable, yes. Explain your side, yes. Love him, yes. But I wouldn’t go out of your way to make him happy when he is that uncaring for you.

This is an issue that seriously needs to be addressed. If he is that uncaring and unloving of you, how will he act when it is a truly important matter?

I don’t think this is a husband bragging about his wife, I think it’s a husband belittling his wife for some kicks. If I’m right in my thinking that he belittles you in other ways, perhaps seek counseling.


#14

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