Arguing with spouse / anger sinful?


#1

Obviously if I hurt the other person by hitting or wishing them evil or calling them bad names it's sinful. But if my spouse says he would do something and didn't do it and I express that frustration and am angry about it, is that sinful?

So it's over something my hb said he would do and didn't finish doing (not a minor thing but a very important thing). And I've been very patient for a long time, trying to encourage him to finish, and he just doesn't do it. He talks about doing it, but doesn't do it. So I bring it up and ask directly, are you planning to do this or not, and he gets all defensive and turns it all on me, like I'm being too demanding and nagging. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't do it, other than tell him how I feel about his not doing it, and have told him how very important it is to me? When it is a thing he PROMISED to do and hasn't finished doing. So I ask him "when are you going to finish it" and he gets all mad and turns it on me.

So my question is what is a good way to handle something like this?

We both raised our voices, I think he does it first to control me and I do it in response out of frustration. Also when you are really frustrated, what can you do with that frustration if the other person just won't listen and takes everything defensively even when it's not meant that way? I know men don't like nagging but honestly, what are you supposed to do it they don't pay attention to their own behavior and listen when you try to talk to them before you get angry? I noticed I ate some junk after this argument. Any thoughts


#2

If it is something like a house repair that he has started but cannot seem to finish, and it has been quite some time, I would probably just hire someone to finish it. When DH asks WHY you hired someone, sweetly explain that you saw how terribly busy he's been over the past (insert time here), and you were just trying to help.

Gets the point across, and gets the job done.


#3

[quote="AnneTeresa, post:1, topic:231186"]
Obviously if I hurt the other person by hitting or wishing them evil or calling them bad names it's sinful. But if my spouse says he would do something and didn't do it and I express that frustration and am angry about it, is that sinful?

So it's over something my hb said he would do and didn't finish doing (not a minor thing but a very important thing). And I've been very patient for a long time, trying to encourage him to finish, and he just doesn't do it. He talks about doing it, but doesn't do it. So I bring it up and ask directly, are you planning to do this or not, and he gets all defensive and turns it all on me, like I'm being too demanding and nagging. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't do it, other than tell him how I feel about his not doing it, and have told him how very important it is to me? When it is a thing he PROMISED to do and hasn't finished doing. So I ask him "when are you going to finish it" and he gets all mad and turns it on me.

So my question is what is a good way to handle something like this?

We both raised our voices, I think he does it first to control me and I do it in response out of frustration. Also when you are really frustrated, what can you do with that frustration if the other person just won't listen and takes everything defensively even when it's not meant that way? I know men don't like nagging but honestly, what are you supposed to do it they don't pay attention to their own behavior and listen when you try to talk to them before you get angry? I noticed I ate some junk after this argument. Any thoughts

[/quote]

Sounds like passive-aggressive behavior on your hubby's part. I was thinking as I read your post that you need to just hire someone to do what your husband is procrastinating about. He may actually be putting it off so that he can avoid facing the fact that he doesn't want to or isn't going to do it. In one way or another, by not speaking up about it AND not doing it, he can blame you - either you nag him too much, so he's justified in not doing it, or, you went ahead and hired someone when he WAS going to do it, eventually. Knowing that you can't win with either of those 2 perspectives, just go ahead and do what you need to do and move on from there. And if it happens again, just tell him right from the get-go, "I need this done before x date, and if it's not, I will bring the handyman back to do it." Not hostile, not nasty, just very matter-of-fact.

Don't let it get to the point where you are so frustrated you turn to food in anger.


#4

[quote="Catholic90, post:2, topic:231186"]
If it is something like a house repair that he has started but cannot seem to finish, and it has been quite some time, I would probably just hire someone to finish it. When DH asks WHY you hired someone, sweetly explain that you saw how terribly busy he's been over the past (insert time here), and you were just trying to help.

Gets the point across, and gets the job done.

[/quote]

Yeah, I like your technique even better than mine. The sweet part I always have to work on. I'm more the natural vinegar type.


#5

[quote="Catholic90, post:2, topic:231186"]
If it is something like a house repair that he has started but cannot seem to finish, and it has been quite some time, I would probably just hire someone to finish it. When DH asks WHY you hired someone, sweetly explain that you saw how terribly busy he's been over the past (insert time here), and you were just trying to help.

Gets the point across, and gets the job done.

[/quote]

I totally agree. Good advice.


#6

Thank you all for your responses. Yes, it's passive aggressive, Julianne. He's very good at it.

In the past I've hired someone to finish a job he didn't finish - it really is a good idea. I wish this was a case where hiring someone would work.
:shrug:


#7

I know of a book titled Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship, by
John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Joan DeClaire.

Each chapter has a common complaint as its subject: "You Never Talk to Me", "We Only Have Time for the Kids Now", and so on. (Yes, it has a chapter titled "I Shouldn't Have to Nag".)

The authors use before-and-after-counselling conversations that a couple has about their particular issue to demonstrate how to (and how not to) have a conversation that touches on marital problems: that is, it teaches couples how to complain and how to respond to complaints. By using examples, the authors demonstrate what makes an effective complaint, how to listen, and the value of validating each other's comments. It also highlights what kinds of comments tend to bring on a defensive response and what alternatives tend to work better. Although the book wasn't directly applicable to our marriage, I found it very useful in terms of the principles it proposes.

These are popular authors now, so the book or one of its sisters may very well be available at your local library.


#8

[quote="EasterJoy, post:7, topic:231186"]
I know of a book titled Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship, by
John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Joan DeClaire.

Each chapter has a common complaint as its subject: "You Never Talk to Me", "We Only Have Time for the Kids Now", and so on. (Yes, it has a chapter titled "I Shouldn't Have to Nag".)

The authors use before-and-after-counselling conversations that a couple has about their particular issue to demonstrate how to (and how not to) have a conversation that touches on marital problems: that is, it teaches couples how to complain and how to respond to complaints. By using examples, the authors demonstrate what makes an effective complaint, how to listen, and the value of validating each other's comments. It also highlights what kinds of comments tend to bring on a defensive response and what alternatives tend to work better. Although the book wasn't directly applicable to our marriage, I found it very useful in terms of the principles it proposes.

These are popular authors now, so the book or one of its sisters may very well be available at your local library.

[/quote]

I will look that book up on Amazon. I am sitting here fuming because my husband did not correct our son when he was rude to me tonight - and then I realized that he never really has said something as basic as, "Don't talk to your mother like that." When I told him that, he didn't respond except to say, "Oh really?" And then he said, "Well I am leaving again soon." (he's been working out of the country, 2 weeks at a time and just got back yesterday!) I told him "That's not funny." And I am astounded that he would joke about leaving again! He knows that his work schedule makes me really insecure and that this is no fun, having him gone half of the time. sometimes I just hate being married.


#9

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