Hey everyone. I have been going back and forth debating whether I should post this. Mostly because I am ashamed by my choices but I guess the time is now. Especially when I spent a half hour this morning trying to write this post and something happened to my computer and I lost everything. Maybe I’ll make more sense the second time around!
As I repair my Catholic faith, I have worked to change things in my life so that I become not only a better Catholic but a better person. The biggest issue I’m having right now concerns birth control. My mother didn’t really talk to me about birth control before I got married. My dad’s timely advice was, “just remember, if you play you pay.” Not exactly award-winning advice. But my parents made it clear from when I was a kid that messing around with sex and having children too early was a big no-no. As I grew older I took the message to heart and behaved the way a proper young woman should and my husband and I restrained ourselves until marriage. I used to believe that since we don’t live in the dark ages anymore, and we don’t need 15 kids to run the farm, that the concept of NFP was a bit silly.
Currently, I take a low estrogen birth control pill and we use condoms. I can’t stand it. While I love what my husband and I share, it feels tainted because of the measures we take to prevent pregnancy.
My husband in particular can’t stand the pill. He worries for my health in the future after being on it. Not to mention apparently the first 2 months I was on it I was a little “crazy.” I’m all better now but he still is uncomfortable with me taking it for that and because he worries that if for reason our BC failed, the pill might cause an abortion. I talked to my obgyn about this and she said it wouldn’t, but who knows, right?
Neither of us have participated in a NFP class and our pre-cana classes didn’t even mention it. I used to think NFP was just the catholic way of trying to get around the pill but still trying to prevent pregnancy so I saw it as hypocritical. Now I understand that it’s not simply preventing pregnancy but being open at all times of coitus to the possibility of pregnancy. That’s where I’m still scared stiff. We are newlyweds (3 months) and putting aside the fact that I’m horrible with a chart, we simply cannot afford a baby if for some reason NFP didn’t work.
We do okay with just the two of us. We live paycheck to paycheck as we chip away at debt and haven’t even started a savings. A baby would completely explode our finances. I just can’t imagine how unfair it would be to a kid to come into the world in the state we would be in. Now I know the old saying, if you wait till you’re ready to have a kid, you’ll never have one. But there’s room for planning accordingly. Ideally, we would like to start having a family in 3-5 years. I just can’t imagine any sooner. And that’s where NFP terrifies me. I have confidence that we will stay baby-free with what we’re doing. But I can’t ignore the guilt that plagues me every time I fill my prescription or buy another box of condoms. I feel so dirty. My husband would start doing NFP with me in a heartbeat. We are not animals and perfectly capable of abstaining when we would need to. But I still fear it and don’t entirely trust it. Which makes me feel worse because then it feels like I’m not putting my trust in God.
So I guess bottom line, I need some convincing to take this leap. I feel like I’m already 50% there, but there is still a huge wall in front of me. Help!