[quote="Miriam_Adelaide, post:1, topic:217795"]
I am engaged and my fiance and I are hoping to get married in June, after postponing the wedding several times, due to a desire to further work on our relationship. We are both in our late 20's. I love him very much and want to marry him. However a few things have come up/not been resolved that makes it hard for me to feel as secure in his love as I would like to. I was hoping to get some men's perspective on this, especially those married or dating/engaged.
1 - we have been engaged almost a year and it is very difficult to discuss anything concerning marital intimacy. We have always remained chaste, and he has never really shown a need for restraint. I was always the one who had to guard my heart and my purity, as he never seems to get tempted, EVER. Whenever the topic of sex comes up he is very neutral and just not very responsive - like it is a chore for him (It has come up several times in our marriage prep for example). For a very long time I was OK with this because I think sometimes talking about sex among engaged couples can be an occasion of sin. However recently he told me that he doesn't really think much about sex and it is not easy for him to talk about. I expressed that this is hard for me to hear, that I am looking forward to marital intimacy with him and want to be desired by him (in a chaste, healthy way), but he has very little to say about this. It is like he draws a blank.
2 - he has always struggled, in the past 3 years we have been dating, to tell me he loves me. I have explained to him that to hear him say this is very important to me. He thinks it is insecurity. I have told him we can compare it to kissing for him - "what if I had a hard time kissing you and decided I would rather not work on it, since it doesn't do much for me, and it must be an insecurity of yours to want me to kiss you and EVERY DAY too!" The thing is I know he loves me, but I feel he needs to get over this struggle to say it to me, just as I would try very hard to get over myself if I didn't like kissing him.
I know compared to so many couples these might seem like minor problems. But feedback on the best way to approach these subjects with my fiance from a man's perspective, especially if you can relate to what I have said, would be great! I am trying to decide if I should just let these things rest and not be concerned. I don't want to force him to discuss/work on these things with me. But I feel very strongly that these are things that should be openly discussed and resolved before marriage and perhaps may be a symptom of something deeper.
Thanks and sorry for the long post!
I can very easily understand something of what you're concerned about. I'm a male, who apparently has a lower libido than many others of my gender, and I married a woman who felt the need to be physically intimate more often than I. While I didn't have a problem expressing verbally and through non-intimate actions my love for her; sex just wasn't as important for me as it was for her. In the end, after just over 20 years of marriage, we divorced and are now awaiting the Tribunal's decision on our petition for nullity. Our "end" was not solely caused by my lower libido; however, it certainly was a contributing factor.
In that I am at least in this way similar to what you describe your fiancé to be, I can tell you that this DOES NOT mean that he does not find you attractive or that he somehow loves you less than he should. There are varying degrees of sexual desire in all human beings (male and female). Males are usually thought of as automatically having a stronger sex drive than females, but that is not always the case and it doesn't mean that those men with less of a drive are automatically less able to love. In my case, it just wasn't a big deal. If sex occurred 3 or so times a month that was enough. If your fiancé does simply have a lower libido, he will not be able to simply say, "I will work on this" anymore than he can say, "I will work on being 3 inches taller." Perhaps there is some medication available which might help???
I can speak on the issue of what may possibly happen if your fiancé and your situation is the same as mine and my wife’s (or ex). It is possible that over time, if your "then husband" feels that he is not meeting your needs due to his inability to raise his libido; he will begin to feel guilt. Then he will begin to feel resentment. He will be so wrapped up in wanting to "be there (perform well & often) for you" that the focus will not be one of unity but of servitude fueled by the guilt and resentment over his inability to meet the expectations of the woman he loves.
My suggestion would be for him to see a doctor to help determine whether this is a physical issue or simply an environmental issue as some here have suggested. If it turns out to be a physical issue that can be treated and he is willing to get treatment, perhaps this will become a non-issue. If this happens to be an issue over the way in which he was brought up, perhaps the two of you should seek counseling together to overcome it. But whatever you do, find out before you get married because either way, this isn't something that he can simply wake-up and decide to fix on his own. God bless and you both are in my prayers.