Asking my boyfriend to marry me?


#1

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years and we have 2 children. We are both not Catholics but I would like to become Catholic and it is very important to me that we are married. I am just wondering what everyone’s view is on me asking him to marry me? He currently isnt working and i think he feels unable to ask me. He has said in the past that he would like me to ask him.

I feel kind of funny about this. Should I?


#2

God bless you for wanting to get married and become Catholic! You rock girl!

No, there is NOTHING wrong with asking to get married. It’s totally fine.


#3

Yes, I’m sorry to say, but you should feel very funny about this. It is the man’s place to ask a woman to marry him. You should be asking yourself why he hasn’t asked you to marry him yet, even though he is still with you and fathering your children. Lots of red flags here.


#4

Sure, it's traditional for the man to ask the woman, but not absolutely necessary. Especially in a situations like yours, with preexisting children and whatnot. Not the ideal situation, but it's good that you're trying to do the right thing.

May God bless you and continue to lead you home.

Sam, the Neon Orange Knight


#5

[quote="Nia_Marie, post:1, topic:219363"]
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years and we have 2 children. We are both not Catholics but I would like to become Catholic and it is very important to me that we are married. I am just wondering what everyone's view is on me asking him to marry me? He currently isnt working and i think he feels unable to ask me. He has said in the past that he would like me to ask him.

I feel kind of funny about this. Should I?

[/quote]

Is your boyfriend also considering becoming Catholic? Have you talked to him about you wanting to become Catholic? I would have that discussion first, before proposing. I would pursue the becoming Catholic part first, talk to a priest, and then consider the proposing part. You both have to be on board with converting, or at least him supporting you in becoming Catholic, or that can be a huge conflict in your relationship.


#6

[quote="Nia_Marie, post:1, topic:219363"]
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years and we have 2 children. We are both not Catholics but I would like to become Catholic and it is very important to me that we are married. I am just wondering what everyone's view is on me asking him to marry me? He currently isnt working and i think he feels unable to ask me. He has said in the past that he would like me to ask him.

I feel kind of funny about this. Should I?

[/quote]

It's great that you want to be Catholic and get married. You obviously have realized the error of your ways.

Since you are not living a traditional life at the moment then there is no reason to expect a traditional marriage proposal. All you need to do is go down to the courthouse and get a marriage license. Then sign up for RCIA and begin your journey home.


#7

[quote="Nia_Marie, post:1, topic:219363"]
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years and we have 2 children. We are both not Catholics but I would like to become Catholic and it is very important to me that we are married. I am just wondering what everyone's view is on me asking him to marry me? He currently isnt working and i think he feels unable to ask me. He has said in the past that he would like me to ask him.

I feel kind of funny about this. Should I?

[/quote]

He would like you to ask him? What? Seriously, who would be the head of this family? If he is unable to ask you this after all that has happened in the past 7 years, I think he needs help, direction, motivation, counseling and Nia Marie--you are really not in a position to help him, in truth, you haven't helped him yet. What does he want in life? It really doesn't sound like he wants to be a husband and carry the responsibilities of that great privilege. And this talk about non-traditional??? This is ridiculous. We are not talking about tradition in the sense of a fashionable way to do things, we are talking important traditions that have been established because this is the right way to begin a happy marriage. What do your parents and his parents think of a possible marriage? Are they involved at all?

It's a blessing that you want to be Catholic, but unless your common-law-husband/ boyfriend is on the same path, you should save yourself the eventual pain of where this would probably lead. Nothing that you have described sounds like the foundation for a successful marriage. You and your dreams are worth more than this. You are longing for more in life, but this guy isn't going to fill your heart's desires. You know that only God can. I don't mean to sound so blunt but it's time for you to move on and find a better life for you and your precious children.


#8

You have got to be kidding. The guy has been living with her and fathering children with her, has specifically expressed a desire to have her ask him to marry, and yet it is not her “place” to tell him that she has finally awakened enough to realize that it is way past time that they married?

Red flags indicate that something seriously amiss could possibly be afoot. No marriage after seven years and two children goes well beyond the “red flag” stage.

It is high time that they either confirm with each other that the consent to marry is there and to get things ratified or else time to part ways. That conversation is so important and so far overdue that it could hardly matter less who initiates it. The only thing that matters is that the conversation take place, and without delay.

Depending on her state, the OP may be separated from legal marriage only by having not yet stated the intention. There are 15 states that recognize common law marriages:

from unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html
STATE-BY-STATE REQUIREMENTS TO FORM A COMMON LAW MARRIAGE:*
Alabama: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) capacity; (2) an agreement to be husband and wife; and (3) consummation of the marital relationship.
Colorado: A common-law marriage may be established by proving cohabitation and a reputation of being married.
Iowa: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) intent and agreement to be married; (2) continuous cohabitation; and (3) public declarations that the parties are husband and wife.
Kansas: For a man and woman to form a common-law marriage, they must: (1) have the mental capacity to marry; (2) agree to be married at the present time; and (3) represent to the public that they are married.
Montana: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) capacity to consent to the marriage; (2) an agreement to be married; (3) cohabitation; and (4) a reputation of being married.
Oklahoma: To establish a common-law marriage, a man and woman must (1) be competent; (2) agree to enter into a marriage relationship; and (3) cohabit.
Pennsylvania: A common-law marriage was established if, before 1/1/2005, a man and woman exchanged words that indicated that they intended to be married at the present time and they also held themselves out to the community as married (introducing eachother as husband and wife, filing joint taxes, etc.).
Rhode Island: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) serious intent to be married and (2) conduct that leads to a reasonable belief in the community that the man and woman are married.
South Carolina: A common-law marriage is established if a man and woman intend for others to believe they are married.
Texas: A man and woman who want to establish a common-law marriage must sign a form provided by the county clerk. In addition, they must (1) agree to be married, (2) cohabit, and (3) represent to others that they are married.
Utah: For a common-law marriage, a man and woman must (1) be capable of giving consent and getting married; (2) cohabit; and (3) have a reputation of being husband and wife.
Washington, D.C.: The requirements for a common-law marriage are: (1) an express, present intent to D.C. be married and (2) cohabitation.

There is plenty of time to plan a reception or anything like that after the vows are taken. It is not as if the wedding guests would be in suspense. Meanwhile, there are important moral and legal reasons for them to investigate getting married immediately, if marriage is their intention.


#9

"He has said in the past that he would like me to ask him."

Yep, you ask him. Then turn the tables and let him know that you want him to ask you. :)

As above, ensure that the two of you are moving toward the same goal - an eternity with Jesus - and that he'll always be of assistance toward that end with you and your children.

Marriage license, RCIA, baptism, etc. - you and yours will be kept busy.

My prayers are with you, your husband and your children.

Welcome home :thumbsup:

P.S. A lady in our RCIA class last year was in similar circumstances. She went through RCIA and became Catholic, she and her children were baptised. She received Reconciliation, Eucharist and Confirmation.

This year, she announced that she and her boyfriend were getting married.


#10

[quote="Cupofkindness, post:7, topic:219363"]
He would like you to ask him? What? Seriously, who would be the head of this family? If he is unable to ask you this after all that has happened in the past 7 years, I think he needs help, direction, motivation, counseling and Nia Marie--you are really not in a position to help him, in truth, you haven't helped him yet. What does he want in life? It really doesn't sound like he wants to be a husband and carry the responsibilities of that great privilege. And this talk about non-traditional??? This is ridiculous. We are not talking about tradition in the sense of a fashionable way to do things, we are talking important traditions that have been established because this is the right way to begin a happy marriage. What do your parents and his parents think of a possible marriage? Are they involved at all?

It's a blessing that you want to be Catholic, but unless your common-law-husband/ boyfriend is on the same path, you should save yourself the eventual pain of where this would probably lead. Nothing that you have described sounds like the foundation for a successful marriage. You and your dreams are worth more than this. You are longing for more in life, but this guy isn't going to fill your heart's desires. You know that only God can. I don't mean to sound so blunt but it's time for you to move on and find a better life for you and your precious children.

[/quote]

There are many truths in this. Just because others don't want it to be true, doesn't change anything. Men and women tend to be happiest in traditional marriages and it is hard to grow a traditional marriage from an untraditional start.

Many people have tried to invent a better type of marriage, such as egalitarian or matriarchal. The results have been mixed. While it may be possible to have a happy successful marriage where the rules are reinvented, the better path is a traditional marriage, which grows from a traditional start.

Marriage and Catholicism are like a tapestry. You can pull on one thread, but you never know what else it is attached to and the whole tapestry may unravel before you.

In other words, the guy must ask and I question the guy that wants his girlfriend to ask him.


#11

It seems like a really bad idea to me. He has been hanging around for 7 years with no commitment and hasn't shown any signs of changing. If he hasn't asked you yet then take that as a sign. He sounds like he is unemployed and shiftless... How do you plan on supporting him and raising his children? Heck, how do you plan on raising him?

Don't get married because it seems like the next logical step in your relationship.


#12

Everyone seems to be jumping to conclusions here. There age may have played a major role in why the marriage hasn't happened, and additional issues such as how the boyfriend was raised and what he thinks needs to happen at a wedding could be preventing him too (some people honestly think you need $10k+ to have a proper wedding).

Without more details as to why things are the way they are all we can really say is: We have two people with children who are living together. At least one desires to convert. There is no desire to leave the relationship meaning that it is likely stable. Separating is a pretty serious action at this point and could harm the children, if the plan is to live with this man and continue to raise the children together then the Church states that they would be in sin if they didn't marry.

At the very least the discussion has to occur, and who starts the discussion is nowhere near as important as it is that it happens.


#13

Have you talked with him about marriage? Do you know how he feels about it and the reason why he hasn’t asked yet?


#14

[quote="KostyaJMJ, post:11, topic:219363"]
IHe sounds like he is unemployed and shiftless...

[/quote]

You aren't implying that those who don't have a job in this economy are shiftless?

I can appreciate that more traditional people don't approve of women who are too "forward", but I don't know where this idea is coming from that there is something wrong when the woman asks the man to marry her, not when he has moved in, started a family with her, and expressed an interest in marriage.

The truth is, if she's let it get that far, she needs to let him know that immediate and consistent movement in that direction is a non-negotiable condition of continued co-habitation. For that matter, marital relations need to stop until they actually are married.

If she doesn't want to marry, she needs to let him know that continued co-habitation will not include marital relations, effective immediately, and that separate living arrangements need to be made, including how he is going to be responsible for his share of the responsibility of raising of the children. Once you are awake, you cannot continue to pretend you're still dreaming.

We have no idea why he doesn't just ask himself. None of us have been given any reason to believe he is not fully committed to staying permanently with the OP and doing his part in raising the children, either. All we know is that he currently does not have a job. It is rash to assume that we know something more about him, when we don't.


#15

I don't know if this has been covered, but it should help.

The question was "What do you think of women proposing to men?"

chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/marriage/what-do-you-think-about-women-pr


#16

[quote="coolduude, post:15, topic:219363"]
I don't know if this has been covered, but it should help.

The question was "What do you think of women proposing to men?"

chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/marriage/what-do-you-think-about-women-pr

[/quote]

If she felt strongly enough about it, she could use the rather vulgar analogy in that piece to announce, "The free milk just ended. If you want to own this cow, you'd better get down on one knee and ask, buddy."

How romantic. But, if that is important to her, she needs to say so (only maybe with a bit different wording). If it is not important to her, then she may ask if she likes. From her position, it is hardly an aggressive request. She has more than earned the right to ask it.


#17

If it were me I would have left after a year and no proposal unless he were in dire straights (death in the family, health problems, loss of job no money, house burned down, something akin that any of those). I'm not putting you down just stating what I would have done. Since you have kids with this dude I would try and make it work for the kids sake. I don't know his reason for being unemployed (he might have a good one) but I would wait till he was employed to marry him. But only marry him if you think it's doable and he's not the type to live off you and expect you to support him. If you want to propose then do so you are an adult and none of us know the real story but you as to who he is and if he is right for you and what type of person he is. Also if he is too lazy to ask you I would rethink committing yourself to someone like that. I don't see anything wrong with asking a guy even though I would never do it myself but everybody is different and after 7 years he should know and you should know if it will work. :cool:


#18

[quote="EasterJoy, post:14, topic:219363"]
Once you are awake, you cannot continue to pretend you're still dreaming.

[/quote]

This is a beautiful analogy. And that Chastity.com link is good as well. This thread has certainly given Nia Marie a lot to think about.


#19

Personally, it is much deeper than who is asking who. If I were you - and I'm not - please pick up twin copies of a good Catholic book on the Sacrament of marriage. Try finding one on this site. Go through it with your bf chapter by chapter. If at the end of the book you two know that you can live that kind of Sacrament out then go see a priest. I guess at that point you will have made a mutual decision. If not then it may not be what God has intended for you. In my own healing process I have found something out - there are some people- not saying you, not saying me - but some people that cannot live out the Sacrament of Matrimony as designed by God. Someone who is being called to do that cannot live with one of these people. They will be diametrically opposed on too many counts to have a happy marriage. God bless you and welcome home.


#20

Well since you've been with him for 7 years, i'm assuming you have thought about this alot and are ready for marriage. If you are ready, then I see no reason not to. I'm one of the posters here that definitely knows that its 2010 and tradition has changed. The guy isn't always the one to ask anymore. I would never ask a man to marry me, but if you feel that you want to, there is no reason not to. But why on earth wont he ask you? That is what stumbles me. Does he even plan on being head of the household or you being the leader? Because him not asking you sort of leads to that question... either way, congrats and I hope you two lead a happy life together! :D;):)


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