At a lost


#1

I found out recently that my wife has been having an affair for about a month now. It has been physical but nothing sexual for now. I am willing to work it out but she seems hesitant. She says the other guy makes her feel happy and important. She might be willing to see a counselor but she says that I will have to do something drastic to prove that I am still passionate for her and that I actually care about her. I am a patient guy but she is not willing to stop seeing the guy and it is really hard to work things out while she is still seeing him on a constant basis. I really don’t know what to do. If anyone knows any type of counsling programs or something I would appreciate it. Also, any prayers you have will be great too.


#2

:mad: grr…

Punching the guy in the face is passionate…Why not do THAT?!?

…sorry…I guess this is a sensitive issue for me…

Anyways, I don’t know of any counseling programs at the moment. I’m sure someone else will know.

Just know that we’re praying for you here. I know it’s a horrible situation. I hope it works out OK for you. :gopray:


#3

believe me nothing would make me feel better. Don’t know if it is exactly the right thing to do nor if it wouldn’t just drive her to him


#4

I wish this wasn’t happening to you. How long have you been married? Do you have kids?

When my H first confessed his affair, we went straight to our priest. The priest’s words to me will never go away - “He’s already gone.” I couldn’t believe my ears - why didn’t he tell H to shape up and do what he was obliged to do?

As it turns out, he was right. There is nothing you can do to make her stop the affair; she has to do that on her own. I wish could see this when our separation began. I wanted him to come back so badly, but it didn’t happen. I wonder if things would turn out differently if I had sent him packing.

Keep praying. Ask God to give you rest and strength. See if she will go to Retrouvaille. Go to their web page and you’ll find ways to try to persuade her to go. What does she have to lose if she goes?


#5

We have been married for 4 years together for 8. we were together and highschool and got married a couple of years out of it. We came into the church together. It was harder for me to come in than her cause I was a pretty staunched baptist. She didn’t grow up in church so it was a smoother transistion. The crazy thing is is that she wants to bring him to mass now and try to get him into the church. I am happy that he is moving toward the catholic church but not happy that is with my wife in a state of sin. Sorry if I am babbling it is just I don’t have alot of people to talk to. I am a pretty private person when it comes to my personal life and it doesn’t help that the person who I tell everything to is the person that is the problem.


#6

My H came into the Church 15 years before he left me. He became a zealous Catholic in the month before he left, and OW goes to our church, too. I believe that H equated her with the Blessed Mother, and he announced to a group of people that he was praying to God for relief from his “bad” marriage and that God gave him a vision of OW. Maybe your wife is using her religion to justify her affair. She is clearly not in her right mind at this time.

Let your priest know what is going on, and that she may show up at Mass with OM. If she is having an affair she cannot receive Eucharist. Don’t be surprised if they show up at a different parish together. She isn’t thinking clearly.


#7

Thats the thing she knows it is wrong but she is happy and doesn’t care. I don’t know if she is planning on trying to receive the eucharist or not. I do know that she had talked about taking him to church but I do not know if it will be at our parish or not. There are other parishes that are closer but we will see. I have just emailed my priest along with a couple of close friends in the church so we will see. It just hurts and I know if it doesn’t work out then the future process is just going to hurt more.


#8

Well it hurts and hurts, more that you ever think you will hurt. And people will tell you that you will get through it, and that will make you so angry because you’ll feel like the hurt will never go away. But it does, and you will feel better. Just try not to act on emotion right now. Emotional decisions can be bad ones.

Has she told you that she wants to leave? Try not to be too clingy right now; it will make things worse. Don’t beg and plead and promise; I know first hand that it doesn’t work. James Dobson has a book called Love Must Be Tough, or something like that. I didn’t read it but many folks recommend it.

Go talk to your priest for your own benefit. Let your wife know you are going, and that she is welcome to go, but don’t press her to go. Things can work out for you; I just don’t know how you can go about this. She has free will (nasty stuff right now) and you can’ t change her, but you can work on yourself.


#9

thanks for the advice. thankfully God has blessed me with patience and I am pretty good at not acting on emotion which Is why I haven’t punched the guy out and such (lives in the same apartment complex) I know I will get over it unfortunatly I just hate being in almost like a state of limbo of just not know for sure and also not know how long everything will take if it doesn’t. I think she is around 85 to 90 percent gone for the moment so I will not give up yet. I plan on making an appointment with the priest asap. unfortunatly I have drill this weekend which would have been the better time to do it but she also plans on taking the Other Man to church this weekend I think so it might be for the better.


#10

Excuse me, but why do YOU have to prove anything? It seems to me that SHE should be the one to do the proving.

Kathy


#11

That thought has crossed my mind more than once. However, if I put the ball in her court she is gone for sure, although that may be the case already, Part of me is if i try then there is still a chance I can save this marriage. :confused:


#12

I’m not sure I can help, but realize she’s saying a man who fools around with married women makes her feel important. Please don’t be offended, but if I were in your wife’s place, I would say, “He makes me feel like a tramp.” I’m sure he’s told her this is the first time and he’s just following his fate. Sure it is.

Regardless of what happens, get yourself tested for STDs. Don’t have relations with her until she has and has shown you the results. I’ve heard the “physical, but not sexual” lots of times. I guess sometimes it could be true, but then again, maybe the pope is gay, too.

Protect yourself in all the ways you can. Financially, health, emotionally, etc. Go see your priest and get some counseling. I admire you trying to work this out, but you need to be realistic. It may not be possible to work out. Then go see a lawyer. Ask him what you need to do to protect your assets.

I’ll be praying for you.


#13

This is good advice. I know that you don’t want to go down this road, but you do need to look out for yourself. It will be a good reality check for her. Talk to a lawyer before you leave this weekend. Ask friends who have gone through divorce to recommend someone who has a good record at winning settlements. You don’t want that one working against you in the future. There is no telling what kind of financial damage she can do while you are away. Is there any way you can delay your drill due to hardship?

Talking to a lawyer does not mean that you are filing for divorce. A good lawyer can help you to look out for yourself.


#14

It has been physical but nothing sexual for now.

I’m not sure what this means.

She says the other guy makes her feel happy and important. She might be willing to see a counselor but she says that I will have to do something drastic to prove that I am still passionate for her and that I actually care about her

If a woman ever told me this, I’d have her outta the house so fast, she wouldn’t know what hit her. I’d tell her “you better really like your new boy, cause y’all deserve each other.” I’m not gonna put up with someone trying to put me on a emotional yo yo- up, down, up, down, -nah I’m gonna be proactive and control my own destiny. I’m sorry, but I reckon I’m kinda old school.

Would I ever take her back after I got her outta the house? I dunno, I’d have to see what the tribunal says, I believe what the church says about marriage, and if they shot the annulment down, I’d live my life the best I could without her, all you can do. But I’ll be danged if I’d let her hold me hostage.


#15

First, see your Priest. Call to day to make an appointment.

Second, find the next Retrouvaille weekend that is possible to get to retrouvaille.org/.

Third, call this guy and tell him that your wife is a married woman and that he can go find his own girlfriend.

Another resource for you is www.exceptionalmarriages.com.


#16

My father was not faithful to my mother for years. They stayed together and are finally on the path to rebuilding their marriage. There is hope.

Praying for you!


#17

Been there, did that, got the t/shirt and the DVD.LOL

I know what you are feeling and it is not an easy things. It hurts like hell and you wonder why is this happening what did you do wrong and so on and so on. Yes, you might have done something and you know what it takes two to Tango. There are two of you in a relationship and not one.

Do not beg this women. Do not force her to do something she does not want to do. There is no point in your going to counselling for she is not prepared to end the relationship. The only way this relationship is going to work if she ends that relationship with the other guy. And from what you have said she is not prepared to do that and you need to make some changes.

What people seem to forget that we you are stealing to do something it is fun and exciting in the beginning but once the other person is aware of what you are doing the novelty wears off the relationship is not that exciting anymore and now you have to pick up the pieces and start all over again. But the betrayal is out there already and you can not overlook it or ignore it. Yes you might be able to forgive but forgetting is another story on its own.

The ball is in your court now you need to decide is this marriage worth fighting over is she worth fighting for. And if she is there go for it. But you must be prepared to do everything in your power to make it work but all the work will be from your side and not hers.

I was married for 11 years and together for 15 years. This was not the first time that he had cheated he had before and I forgave him and did the right thing and stayed the faithful wife even though he emotionally and physically abused me I still stayed this was my husband. Then this last time when he cheated on a teenager and got her pregnant that was the last straw. I was done I was finished after been to the Psychiatrist for 8 years on antidepressants did the suicide thing. And still he left me and his two kids.

I will keep me in your prays hang in there pray about this and ask God to guide you in the right direction. I am sorry and I wish that I could say the right words to you. It is going to be okay. You are going to be okay and this is not your fault please do not blame yourself. Nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. Read your bible and stay positive that things are going to be okay.

God bless.


#18

Thank you for your advice and prayers. I have a lot of praying and considering to do. I have to wait till next week to see my priest because he is on vacation for the rest of this one but first chance I get I will make an appointment. I know that whatever the outcome I will live and carry on. Thanks again for your continued prayers.


#19

Advice might be to find out from the Church parish office, or the diocese the name and number of the Marriage Encounter program. They might be someone you could talk with. Then, if you feel that it would be beneficial, you could bring her along to a counseling session with a couple who have been in a similar situation. A lot of people who go to a Marriage Encounter weekend have been through these types of things, but come out of it so much stronger in their marriage.
And if this is not the place to get the counseling, maybe they could lead you in the right direction.

Place your wife, yourself and your marriage at the feet of the Cross of Jesus Christ. And spend time before Him in Eucharistic Adoration if possible. Plead the Most Precious Blood of Jesus on your marriage, and your wife and yourself…and on all of the decisions made by either one of you. Consecrate your marriage to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Have a Mass said for your marriage.
I prayed, and these are the things that are coming to me. I didn’t think of them on my own. Maybe it would be worthwhile to follow the ideas I am giving you, for I believe that they are coming from the Holy Spirit through me to you.
I have already prayed about the situation. I will try very hard to remember to continue lifting up the situation in prayer.

God bless you, and remember that Jesus and Mary are with you.

Cherie


#20

I second somebody else’s recommendation of Dr. James Dobson’s (of Focus on the Family) book Love Must Be Tough for individuals in troubled marriages. He says you cannot make a straying spouse love you / respect you / stay with you by begging, whining, pleading, humiliating yourself. They might love / respect / stay with you, but only if you demonstrate self-respect and demand respect from them in return. Unfortunately, there is nothing YOU can do to MAKE your wife love you, be faithful to you, stay with you, be a good wife to you if she doesn’t want to. However, there are things you can do by yourself to demonstrate self-respect, to demand respect from her, and to be OK by yourself if she does decide to leave you for this other man.

The Christian thing to do is to be willing to forgive her and take her back, to work on healing and strengthening your relationship to the point where this will never happen again. But there’s got to be MAJOR changes from HER side, before that is even an option.

You have my complete sympathy. Whatever supposed failings you have in the “feeling passionate about her” department (give me a break and grow up already) do not justify her sneaking around and breaking her marriage vows.

Best wishes,
Christine


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