At my wit's end


#1

I don't know if this is the right place to post but I really need some advice and would be so grateful if someone takes the time to read my question.

I am 28 and all I have ever wanted to do was get settle down, get married and have children. I think that I am an attractive, caring and educated young woman. I have had a few relationships with good men who would have done anything for me, but I ended these because I didn't feel in-love and wanted to be sure about the person when I married them. And generally speaking, I have always attracted a lot of male attention but very rarely had any reciprical interest. About 6 months ago, after being single for about two years I met a man: clever, funny, caring, kind, considerate and with lots of quirky personality traits that totally complement my own idiosyncracies. He is amazing and at the start I thought that finally God had given me the gift of a potential husband.

He has expressed his love for me through both his words and actions and I can tell he is considering the next stage, eg engagement etc. However it is now dawning on me that I don't know if I share his feelings, despite how amazing he is:any girl would want him! I am torn in half...I desperately want to settle down with someone as amazing as him but the thought of it literally make me nearly pass out with terror (I have almost fainted with anxiety over this).

So stressed was I that I did something very very stupid which I totally regret. I paid for a psychic email reading, and the woman told me that I have not yet my soulmate and thats why I feel so indecisive. I now know why psychics are bad news. I feel so utterly trapped and powerless. I have been praying and praying and praying for my feelings towards him to change, so so deeply and earnestly but i don't know if that is something we can pray for. I am ashamed that I consulted a psychic because now I feel that my future is set in stone and I have lost what God says we always have with Him : hope. I am so distressed that I can't bear the thought of going on like this, I can't live a life with such anxiety and bitter disappointment (I'm sorry if I sound weak, it is how I feel at the minute).

Please please someone advise me. Maybe pray for me if you have ten seconds. I am so so lost and unhappy. I just want the normal simple things that I thought God wanted for me to. Please please help me.

Thank you.


#2

Hi Little flower. The first thing you should do is confess using a psychic- the psychic "reading" has nothing to do with truth or reality. Pray that you will follow the Lord's will above your own. Renounce the devil and all of his temptations out loud, right now:

"I reject Satan- all his works, and all his empty promises. I believe in God, the father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord, Who was born of the Virgin Mary, was crucified, died, and was buried, rose from the dead, and is now seated at the right hand of the Father. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. AMEN."

The only power that "psychic" has over you is what you give it. Let Christ be your guide, he will never fail you. You will find true happiness in His holy will alone. Maybe you are meant to be with this man, maybe not. Is there really anything wrong with discerning a while longer? Give it time, enjoy being together, grow in holiness together, and seek the Lord's will for both of you above all else. There is no need to rush. I will pray for you right now. Truly, in Christ we find peace at heart. Just give yourself up to Him, tell him all of your worries out loud. He is with you intimately, he never leaves you- ever. Just tell Him how much you love Him. Peace and blessings, my sister in Christ.


#3

Kib thank you for your lovely non-judgemental reply and your promise to pray for me. I will try to put that psychic rubbish out of my head and never go near it again. You think I should discern for a while longer? How do we know when we have met the one that God intended for us?


#4

[quote="Littleflower82, post:3, topic:207432"]
Kib thank you for your lovely non-judgemental reply and your promise to pray for me. I will try to put that psychic rubbish out of my head and never go near it again. You think I should discern for a while longer? How do we know when we have met the one that God intended for us?

[/quote]

God does not intend a particular person for another particular person in general. The main question I would have is what is it that makes you not want to be with this gentleman? Is it a problem or deficiency on his part; or on yours; that is to say - is he lacking in some area; or are you asking too much?

Just because you may not be certain that this is the right man; does not mean that he is not. Everyone experiences doubts and fears to some extent; and it is up to our sound judgement and reflection to see if these fears and doubts are founded in reality; or if we are just afraid of making a commitment.

:thumbsup:


#5

I feel weird giving out advice (I'm usually the one making wisecracks). But I am also 28 and dating an amazing man. And we have talked about marriage, engagement, the whole thing. :) I do think he is who I am meant to marry. I think he is perfect for me. :D

This didn't just come one day in a flash of light. Or a voice from Heaven. I feel like my boyfriend makes me a better person: kinder, more God-centered, less selfish, more patient, etc. :) And he makes me very happy. :D And I like kissing him, so that is a plus. :p

We both think that one of the purposes of marriage is to help the other person to Heaven, and I think he could do that.


#6

John Damian and Country Singer: thank you for replying to my problem.

JD: There is nothing wrong only a feeling of terror that I have, a proper sense of awful fear and I have no idea why when he is so lovely. I have a history of doing this with men, but he really is a good one so why am I so frightened of settling down with him when it is what I should totally want! Settlling down is all I ever wanted! Why am I so frightened?

CS: That is so lovely to hear that you are so happy with your boyfriend! I really am delighted to hear of happy couples. It is giving me some hope to know that not all relationships are light a bolt of lightning that strike us with a sense of certainty and clarity.

I am afraid that I will be like this in every relationship and have everything pass by me, no husband, no children etc. I am also afraid that I don't love him as he loves me and I will have to hurt him like I have hurt so many in the past (obviously not meaning to cause harm).

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I have tears in my eyes because the thought that people care is easing my burden, and I know I sound so silly when people have real problems but this feels very real to me.

So thank you so much x


#7

Littleflower-I really can't offer any advice-but I'll pray for you.
Try to keep your chin up and God Bless!


#8

JD: There is nothing wrong only a feeling of terror that I have, a proper sense of awful fear and I have no idea why when he is so lovely. I have a history of doing this with men, but he really is a good one so why am I so frightened of settling down with him when it is what I should totally want! Settlling down is all I ever wanted! Why am I so frightened?

It is entirely because you have always wanted to settle down; that when it comes to it; it is so entirely troublesome.

Because you have yearned to settle down; and have focussed on it so strongly; you have a strong faith in this ideal; but since you have such affections for this idea; you are so wary that you might act to swiftly; or act with unsound judgement.

Think of it this way; if someone had always wanted a particular house; then surely the moment just prior to their decision would be the hardest moment of all; for although it is so strongly wanted; all the doubts and fears rise to the surface at this moment of choice.

Likewise; you must at some point overcome these doubts if you are to ever acheive what you want - that is; someone to settle down with. Not that I am saying it is certain that it must be with this gentleman; for I am not you; nor he and do not know fully how you feel; but if you are to attain what you want so badly; you must see past any doubts; in the same way as a man who throws himself into the Priesthood must no doubt cast away any of his reservations and past freedoms; but the end that is acheived is so much greater than any slight losses; and any imperfections are nothing compared to the whole!

:thumbsup:


#9

The psychic just repeated your doubts back to you from what you had told her, your future remains entirely in your hands.

There is no such thing as a soul mate, there are many suitable matches for any one person, the soul mate thing is a lot of sentimental baloney, our souls are made for God not any one individual other soul.

All you need to decide is would this man make a good husband to you and a good father to your future children, will he be a good man to help you save your soul and the souls of your children, that is ultimately what it boils down to when choosing a spouse.

Take your time deciding this there is no rush, he has not even asked you to marry him after all, you are getting ahead of yourself and need to just calm down and enjoy the courtship and let it progress naturally as you try to decide whether he does or does not meet the criteria needed to fulfil the role of a spouse to a catholic in general and to you in particular.

As to loving him, true love is a conscious rational decision, you choose who you love, if you chose to love him you will love him enough. Everything Hollywood and society has taught you about love is a lie.

I posted this on another thread but it applies to your situation to:

"Is Love Necessary for a Happy Marriage?

Question: Is love necessary for a happy marriage?

Answer: It depends on what you mean by "love". I might add that it also depends on what you mean by marriage, but we shall take for granted that you mean what the Lord meant, viz., an indissoluble sacramental partnership between a man and a woman who pledge themselves to help each other toward happiness on earth and in heaven, and to beget and rear children for the kingdom of God.

What do you mean by "love"? Do you mean that violent feeling of attraction, that all-suffering sense of helpless infatuation, that overpowering "can't-think-of-anything-else" emotion, which the pulps, true story magazines and mashy novels describe as love? If you do, my answer is a quick "no". This kind of love is not necessary because there have been thousands of happy marriages without it, from those in which the bridegroom was chosen for the bride (or vice versa) by elders, as was customary for centuries, down to the latest marriage of two young people who kept their wits about them all through their company-keeping and engagement. The wild infatuation that some mistake for love is a minor form of hysteria, and hysteria is not only not necessary for, but a positive drawback to, a happy marriage.

But if you define love correctly, I say that it is absolutely necessary for a happy marriage. Love is an intelligent willingness to surrender self-will, to make sacrifices, to place fidelity, charity and duty above feelings, in behalf of a person whom one has found to be a good companion, a sturdy character, and a believer in the same purposes of life and marriage as oneself. The degree of physical and emotional attraction behind this determination of the free will may vary greatly, but it is never the essence of love. Too many young people have thought otherwise, to the effect that, with the inevitable lessening of infatuation after a year or two of married life, they have considered themselves no longer in love. Love is a function of the free will, and it can last as long as the free will exercises itself according to the above definition. Therefore, to say "I am in love" should mean "I am willing to surrender my will, to sacrifice my desires, to place duty and fidelity above all else, in behalf of one person whom I have found suitable for a successful marriage."

Questions Young People Ask Before Marriage by Donald F. Miller, C.SS.R.

Now please go to confession and be absolved from the grave sin of consulting psychics as soon as possible, that is the most important thing you need to do next.


#10

I am sorry you are experiencing such doubt in your life and vocation. It indeed sounds like there is nothing inherently wrong with the men, but rather maybe there are some issues that you need to work out. I would go back to your discernment. How did you arrive at the conclusion that God is calling you to be a wife and mother? Are you answering a true call from God?

You keep going back to how you feel, and while I would never want or encourage you to marry someone you don't feel attracted to or don't feel that you love, love is not really a feeling. Love might incorporate feelings but that is not really the point of love. In am not sure if I can really pin down love, but for me it is a collection of how I feel about my dh, how I perceive my dh to be loving me, and a conscience act of will, to love him even when I don't want to. You see, we can only love because we are first loved by God, when we recognize God's love for us and its vastness we can recognize our own potential to love both God and others. So when my dh does things that let me know he loves me, this helps me see more fully God's love and I can love my dh more fully in return. (I am not saying that I can only love my dh when he loves me, but this was one of my major concerns going into my marriage: would I show dh enough love through my words and actions? So I have to take a proactive approach to love and be active in my recognition of love from all sources).

Since this seems to be a recurring problem for you, I can only say that it might be useful to see a counselor and/or a spiritual director, and talk about things like commitment, love, things that prevent you from loving/fully loving, expectations in relationships and other issues that might come up.

Also have you spoken to the gentleman in question about this. About how he feels about the love you give him? Most people don't love to the point of marrying those whom they do not see reciprocal feelings. Like do you just feel like you don't love him enough for him to be happy in the relationship, or that you don't love him enough for you to be happy in the relationship. The first is an question from someone who really loves the other person. Is possible you are not accurately sizing up the situation because of fear and anxiety? (I of course could be way off base, as I don't know your entire situation).

My prayers go out to you.


#11

[quote="Littleflower82, post:1, topic:207432"]
I He has expressed his love for me through both his words and actions and I can tell he is considering the next stage, eg engagement etc. However it is now dawning on me that I don't know if I share his feelings, despite how amazing he is:any girl would want him! I am torn in half...I desperately want to settle down with someone as amazing as him but the thought of it literally make me nearly pass out with terror (I have almost fainted with anxiety over this).

.

[/quote]

since you ask for advice, have you tried to analyze what you mean by sharing his feelings? In other words, what "feeling" or "emotional response or condition" do you have in mind that you think you need in order to be ready for a deep relationship? You are certainly mature enough now do discern whether or not you are looking, perhaps unconsciously, for something that hollywood movies or music define as "in-love" and may be therefore not able to discern real love when it happens? Perhaps if you were able to put down in writing for instance what you see as the necessary conditions for you to pursue this relationship it would help you see him and yourself more clearly. What are your expectations for a dating relationship, the "next step", courship, engagement, and marriage?


#12

[quote="Littleflower82, post:1, topic:207432"]

He has expressed his love for me through both his words and actions and I can tell he is considering the next stage, eg engagement etc.** However it is now dawning on me that I don't know if I share his feelings, despite how amazing he is**:any girl would want him! I am torn in half...I desperately want to settle down with someone as amazing as him but the thought of it literally make me nearly pass out with terror (I have almost fainted with anxiety over this).

[/quote]

Why do you not share his feelings, do you think? Especially since you went on for a paragraph before about how amazing he is. :) What exactly terrifies you? Is it him or is it the thought of settling down or....?


#13

[quote="puzzleannie, post:11, topic:207432"]
since you ask for advice, have you tried to analyze what you mean by sharing his feelings? In other words, what "feeling" or "emotional response or condition" do you have in mind that you think you need in order to be ready for a deep relationship? You are certainly mature enough now do discern whether or not you are looking, perhaps unconsciously, for something that hollywood movies or music define as "in-love" and may be therefore not able to discern real love when it happens? Perhaps if you were able to put down in writing for instance what you see as the necessary conditions for you to pursue this relationship it would help you see him and yourself more clearly. What are your expectations for a dating relationship, the "next step", courship, engagement, and marriage?

[/quote]

I agree with this.

Something i myself have dealt with is accepting that this could be a relationship that could be your 'happy ending'. Sometimes i think we get into the idea that this relationship is 'too perfect' and we can't possible deserve this and therefore we push it away out of fear.

No relationship is perfect and no relationship will be like anything they show on a movie. Love is so much deeper than "feelings" it is also trust and sharing your faith and enjoying spending time with each other and someone to talk.

I think you should get spiritual director. You need someone to work through some of you issues. I will tell you i am engaged and even after saying yes to getting engaged, we recongize that this is still a discernment process. Its like its more of a reality so our eyes are evening more open now. You need someone to help you understand and open the gates of communication even more.


#14

[quote="ac_claire, post:12, topic:207432"]
Why do you not share his feelings, do you think? Especially since you went on for a paragraph before about how amazing he is. :) What exactly terrifies you? Is it him or is it the thought of settling down or....?

[/quote]

this post says it better than I did. Do you think your misgivings are more about yourself, or about marriage in general, than they are about this man (or men you have dated in the past)?


#15

I married much later than you. I also was terrified, mostly of making a mistake, after all I was single, happy, financially doing ok, why rock the boat, what if I made a mistake? I did, I survived, barely but I survived. :) Anyway, family was pushing me, friends were pushing me, fiance was pushing me. I started to have such anxiety attacks and stomach pains that one night I had to go to the emergency room. The Doctor there asked me if I was upst about something and when I told him that I was to get married soon and was terrified he absolutely cracked up and said he certainly understood. I felt alot better after that and took the plunge.

You're only 28---hardly old maid status. ;) You have only dated him for 6 months. Maybe you are putting too much on yourself. Relax. :cool: Give it time.


#16

I generally echo John Damian's sentiments, but I would add one thing:

Know that you can really hurt people. The more attached you let them become to you, the worse it is. I had a girl do this to me once; she, well, pretended to date me for about six months, and then let it slip that she really had never had any feelings for me, and had been certain about it for four months. In the meantime, she had let me grow very attached to her. That hurt very badly.

So, if you are not on the same page, don't let him delude himself into thinking that a "yes" is certain if he proposes. Communicate openly with him about the subject, because right now he could be fooling himself into the confidence, which only a fool can really muster, to propose to you; if you aren't ready to say "yes" to that, don't let him think you are.

Don't play around when it comes to the affairs of the heart.


#17

Firstly I would like to thank each and every person who has responed to my problem with such swiftness and genuine care. It has helped me enormously over what have been some very tough days.

In answer to some of the questions asked of me regarding my post: my boyfriend is caring, funny, sweet, clever, kind and I am definately attracted to him. But sometimes when we are together I think 'I am having such a great time but something feels wrong' and I couldn't tell you why, when we have such a warm and supportive relationship.

A few posters made a good point about your spouse making youa better person and I noticed that he makes me more respectful, in that I always try to do things that I feel would make him happy and I go out of my way not to do things that would hurt or annoy him. Sounds like obvious behaviour but I do it very deliberately to ensure that he is happy and I feel that he does the same for me. So on the outside it looks perfect...why do I feel that it will never work?

I don't know how I can discern that I feel called to be a wife and mother...I am incredibly maternal and yearn for a child that can be happy and grow up well in a caring partnership of two loving parents. It is just always what I wanted.

Does God give us signs if we ask, or is our task to work it all out for ourselves?

Thanks again to everyone! I am indebted to you all xxx


#18

[quote="Littleflower82, post:17, topic:207432"]
Firstly I would like to thank each and every person who has responed to my problem with such swiftness and genuine care. It has helped me enormously over what have been some very tough days.

In answer to some of the questions asked of me regarding my post: my boyfriend is caring, funny, sweet, clever, kind and I am definately attracted to him. But sometimes when we are together I think 'I am having such a great time but something feels wrong' and I couldn't tell you why, when we have such a warm and supportive relationship.

A few posters made a good point about your spouse making youa better person and I noticed that he makes me more respectful, in that I always try to do things that I feel would make him happy and I go out of my way not to do things that would hurt or annoy him. Sounds like obvious behaviour but I do it very deliberately to ensure that he is happy and I feel that he does the same for me. So on the outside it looks perfect...why do I feel that it will never work?

I don't know how I can discern that I feel called to be a wife and mother...I am incredibly maternal and yearn for a child that can be happy and grow up well in a caring partnership of two loving parents. It is just always what I wanted.

Does God give us signs if we ask, or is our task to work it all out for ourselves?

Thanks again to everyone! I am indebted to you all xxx

[/quote]

I would say listen to your gut. If your getting a feeling that someone is wrong then take the time to exam your heart. I felt as you did. I was called to be a mom and wife ....didn't happen. Now it's too late for me to be a mom...that was the hardest part for me to deal with but I made the decision early on I wanted the same sort of successful marriage my parents had and wasn't going to settle for anything less. Maybe I'll adopt one day who knows. The guys I run into are continually the commit phobic types and who needs that anyway. I have thought of settling in the past but I'm not the kind of person that can be open with someone I don't really care for so it's all or nothing for me I guess good luck. :thumbsup:


#19

I suppose the dilemma is working out whether the fear is founded in reality or worse-case scenario imaginings. He does not have committment issues, has his head very much screwed on and is utterly caring and filled with kindness and goodness. I think he would be an amazing husband and father, caring, loyal and responsible. I have calmed down a lot since reading all these posts and am feeling so much better. Society does place pressure on us to feel that we will 'just know' when its right and sporadic absence of that feeling has made me panic a great deal. I just hope that God will allow me to move past any barriers that I might be facing if He feels that we could have a happy relationship and fulfilling relationship together. It feels like he is a gift from above so if it is God's will, I hope that I will change inside to gratefully accept such a blessing.


#20

The psychic nonsense only works insofar as you allow it to. It has no power other than your fear of it. Any false guilt concerning your involvement is exactly where satan wants you-feeling trapped! As soon as you resist he’ll flee. God’s much bigger than all that silly stuff.


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