At odds with life, partner etc :(

Im a non Catholic church-goer… ive been attending a Catholic church and a am doing my rosary daily, pray for those less fortunate, im attempting to live in a pure honest way as much as possible to better my life. I have a partner who is a non practicing Catholic as he was baptised and raised in the church, was an altar boy, practiced until high school. He then strayed from the church. He is a truck driver and im unemployed. I spoke to him friday before he went to sleep in his truck 2500km away, but he didnt speak to me until today (Tuesday) and he told me he’s not extending our joint lease from August till December anymore, he’s collecting his furniture and cutting off the utilities in 6 weeks and is suddenly moving on after 19 months. Im financially unable to secure another place to live in 6 weeks, I am unable to afford to store my belongings and I have two children (7 and 11 year olds) that im afraid ill be unable to care for in these circumstances. Im distraught, upset, lost, just absolutely shattered. I dont even know what im asking for even as advice probably wont answer the questions in my head… im just lost and need people to talk to. I dont understand how someone can do this to another human being so heartlessly or suddenly. I cant wait to get to church again on sunday. I need guidance.

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to,
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

nicnic29,

I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I have no idea what social services are available in your country, or what the housing laws are. Are you able to renew the lease under your name on a month-by-month basis? Is your boyfriend required to give a minimum time notice to the landlord that he does not want to renew the lease (eg., 30 days in advance)?

Have you asked your friends/family to provide you with temporary housing yet?

I’m sad for you, for the shock, sadness, and anxiety you are feeling for yourself and your children. You naturally feel as if your world has turned upside down.
You have been rejected at a distance, and that also is very distressing.

Do you know where to contact social services or organizations that may be able to give you guidance/some initial support to help you though the initial trauma towards some security?
You could contact Centrelink to find out what is possible in your situation. As you live in Adelaide you should be able to find the nearest Centrelink offices, explaining your situation to them. humanservices.gov.au/customer/information/centrelink-website
As your two children will be at school, is there any suitable kind of employment that can help you to secure some income and security for your children and you?

Holding you and your children in my prayers,
kindly,
Trishie

I don’t have a lot to offer…as others have said it sounds like it’s time to reach out to others to see if any are able to help.
It’s so wonderful to see you write that you cannot wait go go to Church on Sunday…but you know if your parish is like most…you can go to mass daily…
Also - you might contact the parish office for guidance to groups that may be able to help - even though you are not Catholic yet.

As to how or why people can do such things to others…I’ve never understood this myself. Of course - I don’t know either of you, or your situation so I certainly cannot comment on his specific behavior…
But to me - even if the two adults involved were being totally nasty to each other…I even if I wanted to separate from that woman, I (as a man) would still be concerned about the kids and wouldn’t want to see them put out on the street.
Unfortunately I have (very often) found my views to be in the minority among the men I’ve known…

Anyway - I will be attending mass in about an hour…and will place your needs before the altar this morning.

Peace
James

Yes, go to daily Mass if you can, and pray some extra prayers. You could ask St Elizabeth of Hungary for prayers–after her very loving husband passed away, his relatives kicked her oit and kept her children! None of the townspeople, whom she had helped so much, would help her out! She just stayed close to God and I think ended up becoming a nun. (Link --see link to her biography on the bar at the top of the page)

And you can ask St Joseph, the foster-father of Jesus, to pray for you to find work. (Link here)

And then go down to Social Services–I am sure that this will not be the first time they have dealt with emergency situations such as yours.

Welcome to CAF, and I hope we’ll be able to welcome you to the Church soon :slight_smile:

Remember what our Lord said on the cross, ‘my God, my God, why have you abandoned me?’

I realize it is not easy, but remember that the Lord understands our sufferings and experienced the same emotions and heartache as we do. Remember that he was without sin, so the suffering he experienced must have been terrible. He admonished the Apostles for not even being able to stay awake with him for one hour. He needed them during those crucial moments and was abandoned. He understands, even when no one else does.

Remember also that the Lord uses these events in our lives as opportunities for new pathways to open up. As I look back over my own life, I realize this more clearly, and you will too.

I am so sorry you and your children are going through a rough time.

How could he do this to you? I don’t know. I am married to a truck driver. Life is difficult for truck drivers here. Truck drivers often feel physically and mentally exhausted, isolated, disconnected from their families and are under a lot of stress. Being away from home and family is very difficult for both the driver and their spouse/significant other. Being apart and not sharing daily life makes ending a relationship easier. Divorce is very common among truck drivers.

If he is serious about ending the relationship and withdrawing his financial support then you’ll have to find a way. Talk to the landlord and see what you can do about keeping the lease in your name. If you cannot afford to continue living there then you’ll have to start looking for a less expensive place to live. Since you are unemployed, this will probably mean you’ll have to see about getting some kind of aid through social services. You’ll have to get a job and probably have to ask friends and family for help. Good luck to you and your children. I’ll pray for you.

I don’t mean this next part to sound harsh, but I give this same advice to all my single female friends who are entering live-in relationships.

Shared living arrangement relationships are easy to get into and easy to get out of. There is no real commitment socially or legally. It really is like playing house. You get all the benefits of marriage with almost none of the responsibility. I am a pretty liberal person, but I have seen too many men and women in exactly your situation. Over the years I have become anti- live together and pro-marriage for this very reason. I have other reasons, but these are the practical ones.

Every relationship has it’s times of bliss and it’s times of trouble.

When you’re married and those times of trouble come knocking it is much harder to throw in the towel and walk away. Divorce is expensive, time consuming, and painful. It comes with lasting legal responsibilities like alimony, child support, and maintaining the shared living space for a certain amount of time. Friends and family disapprove or are at least saddened. This gives people pause. They think of all the hassles of divorce and they are more willing to work on their relationship with their spouse.

In contrast, when a shared living arrangement relationship hits a troubled patch, it is much easier to throw in the towel and walk away. It’s a simple matter of getting your personal belongings, draining and closing any shared accounts, wishing the other person luck or not, and saying goodbye. Other than finishing out a lease and maybe child support there are no legal responsibilities.

I tell my friends who are considering living with someone without marriage that the best thing they can do is not do it. If they are determined to live with someone without marriage, I tell them to live as if they were single. To maintain employment and to only live in a home that they could afford on their own if the relationship ended. I also advise that they keep their own bank accounts, set up some kind of savings in case of disaster, and do not share credit cards, etc. so that they are not stuck paying off debt.

So that you do not end up in this situation again, please consider either waiting for the commitment of marriage before moving in together or at least making sure you can afford to continue paying for rent, utilities, and the necessities on your own if the relationship ended.

**I am so sorry you are going through this and will keep you in my prayers. :hug1:

Holy Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful, strengthen the fearful,
give aid to all needing help or healing,
assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering,
be with those needing peace, console the lonely,
comfort the lost or hopeless, guard the unborn,
pray for those who are dying or who have died,
soften those with hardened hearts,
enlighten those who do not yet see truth,
help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go,
show us the way to do the right thing,
protect those who are in danger, and guide us from every evil;
may all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen **

What about child support from the children’s father? You say this man was your partner, but you don’t say that he was the father of the children. Nonetheless, if he was supporting you and the children, it’s hard to have that support suddenly disappear. Without a marriage, however, if he’s not the children’s father, it would seem that he has no financial obligation if the lease expires. If he is pulling out of the lease before it expires, that’s a different story. I would encourage you to go to your local social services office and see what they can help you with.

I am surprised no one brought up this issue earlier in the thread. I echo this advice because I truly do believe that it’s God’s law and that it wasn’t made to put a damper on our happiness, but rather to lead us from settling for counterfeit happiness and into having the self-respect and the realization that we are made in God’s image and likeness - and that Holy Matrimony is the way a man and woman who really love each other form a new family.

I sincerely hope that you can find a priest who will help you lovingly understand this teaching, and help you enter the Church when you are ready. You and your children deserve a real marriage if marriage is what God is calling you to, and if not it will be challenging to be a chaste single mom but you can learn how to be strong and fulfill that mission.

I hope you will find your way into Christ’s Holy Church and someday be able to rejoice that you have arrived safely there, and look back on all this as the past. Our paths take winding roads and we all make mistakes. Learn what’s really good and true and follow that.

catholicnewsagency.com/resources/life-and-family/marriage/cohabitation-and-churchs-teaching/

May God bless you. :slight_smile:

**Holy Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful, strengthen the fearful,
give aid to all needing help or healing,
assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering,
be with those needing peace, console the lonely,
comfort the lost or hopeless, guard the unborn,
pray for those who are dying or who have died,
soften those with hardened hearts,
enlighten those who do not yet see truth,
help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go,
show us the way to do the right thing,
protect those who are in danger, and guide us from every evil;
may all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen **

Yes!

I made a lot of terrible mistakes when I was younger and my path to the Catholic Church was a long and winding one.

When I was investigating Catholicism one of the things that most appealed to me outside of the history and tradition was that the laws seemed very restrictive and sometimes ridiculous right up until I gained some life experience and realized there is good reason for those rules to exist. Those laws are there to protect us from ourselves and to keep us safe.

I have been thinking about our OP since yesterday. I know personally what a difficult time this is for her and the children. I hope she comes back and lets us know how she is coping. Still praying for her.

**Holy Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful, strengthen the fearful,
give aid to all needing help or healing,
assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering,
be with those needing peace, console the lonely,
comfort the lost or hopeless, guard the unborn,
pray for those who are dying or who have died,
soften those with hardened hearts,
enlighten those who do not yet see truth,
help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go,
show us the way to do the right thing,
protect those who are in danger, and guide us from every evil;
may all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen **

For the sake of your dignity, your safety, and for the well-being of your children, you must leave as soon as you can pack up and go, within a month, don’t let it drag out. You need to find a living situation now for you and your children sooner rather than wait 6 weeks. Your former significant other might become unstable, and since you and your children are no longer important to him, you have to build a new life for yourself.You can try calling Catholic Charities or your local pro-life agency, but these places are not set up to provide emergency housing. You must change your living situation immediately so that your children will be in a stable school environment by mid-August. If you are not on Food Stamps or SNAP and Medicaid, get them now. Get whatever money you can into your own account on Monday. Sell whatever possessions you do not need or cannot bring into a shelter.

Where are your parents, the children’s father/grandparents, or other relatives that can help you? Reach out now, don’t wait. If you have no family that can take you in, then you have to call a shelter immediately. Don’t wait-you might be homeless in six weeks if you fail to plan now. God bless you, hold your children close.

While I understand and thank the people being supportive I must say ive not sat on my hands and expected someone to pay my way and lead me a happy life without responsibility. I was in a domestic violence situation for twelve years before meeting my current partner and had my children to someone who refuses to work now therefore isn’t legally obliged to pay child support. I knew my current partner for quite a long time before we became a couple and ive only been researching Catholicism for six months so to expect me to be wed to someone so soon is ridiculous. Aside from that ive completed many courses and obtained numerous certificates to make me more employable as well as applied for well over 600 jobs in a little over 8 months so im not sitting back expecting the world to solve my problems as I smile sweetly and have a cry at the hard times. I may be wrong but I feel like im being judged or criticised here by a few people in the way ive been told that perhaps I shouldnt be playing house. I may have read into comments such as that too far but I dont feel like im being accepted as someone trying to grasp and learn the catholic faith. I cant rewind my life and decide as a homeless 13 year old kid that Im taking on Catholicism, I cant take back my youth, the abuse, torturous conditions I lived through, the manipulative cruel years at the hands of a man who ostracized me from my friends, family and world and say HEY I take it all back, can I be perfect instead?! Im doing the best I can with what I have and if you knew how bad the rental housing market is in Adelaide you’d never say “find somewhere else to go”. It isnt that simple. REGARDLESS I drove 1300 kilometres last week just to speak to him in person. I found out why he said those things, we resolved things. SO id kindly thank you all for you’re input but please no more comments. Thankyou.

Please no more comments

It was never my intent to make you think you were being judged. And my comments about marriage were not about Catholicism at all. They were about **legal and financial protections available to a married woman and not available to a woman in a live in situation. ** Please reread the bolded.

Not living with and financially depending on a man who is not your husband and bound to you by law including legal financial obligations is nothing to do with religion and is something women especially need to understand regardless of their spiritual beliefs.

I know you asked for no more comments, but I really do care and hope to be of some help to you. I tend to be blunt and ask some difficult questions. Please believe, though, that my heart is in the right place and I am not trying to hurt your feelings or judge you or be critical.

Now, with that in mind, please at least think about what I am going to say next.

You didn’t think the time you knew your SO before moving in together and the 6 months you lived with him as being enough time to decide if you wanted to marry him. Fair enough, especially as you might be a bit hesitant to tie yourself to a man after your abusive relationship. But you think that time is enough to move in with this man and put yourself and your kids completely at his mercy financially without any legal or social commitment, which is what marriage is outside of religious meaning?

And, now that you two have reconciled, has it crossed your mind to wonder and worry for the future? What guarantee do you have he won’t do this again and stick to it next time?

If this man decides next week or next month or next year that he wants out, and you’re still not married, you may very well find yourself and your children without a home. If you were married he may be less likely to end the relationship on a whim and if he did decide to leave you he would have legal obligations to you financially for a set period of time afterward to give you time to get on your feet.

No worries, I told him we should get married because a Catholic Answers member told me that if we were married then it would be harder to walk out on me. Ill let you imagine how hard he laughed. Look, the issues were resolved, I understand why he made his original decision and it was due to a mate of his thinking a Facebook page was mine, it was very sleazy but it wasnt my page. THATS ALL IM GOING TO SAY. Saying marriage is the way to make it harder for the person you love to walk out is utterly irresponsible, its ludicrous and I wont marry someone until we both know that its going to be life long. AS I SAID PLEASE DO NOT ADD FURTHER COMMENTS. … I CANT WORK OUT HOW TO DELETE THIS BLOODY POST. GRRRRRR

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