If you are dating or in a courtship with someone and they tell you that they engaged in pre-marital sex with someone else, would that be a deal-breaker for you?
There’s something about that particular…problem…that depresses me so much.
I can’t say it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me.
I’m single and…kinda looking…I’m trying to court someone right now but there are…obstacles…
But hypothetically if that girl came to me and told me that…I don’t know what I’d do…
**Again, NOT single OR looking, lol but I’d like to answer if that’s ok:)
Every one of us sins. Every one of us makes mistakes. It would not be a deal breaker for me in and of itself. More important would be if the man was remorseful and repentant. If it was more of a “this is what I did, so what?” then THAT would be a deal breaker.
But I can also understand how it would be a deal breaker to many.**
If they were aware that it was a sinful act and had no intention of repeating said act (especially not with me), then it wouldn’t be a deal breaker. If the person thought it was all fine and dandy to have pre-marital sex and intended to try and get me to engage in it, that would be an automatic end to a relationship. In fact, my last boyfriend and I broke up because he didn’t respect my desire to remain a virgin until after I was married.
Old married lady here, but just thinking back to my courting days:
It would depend on whether they still thought that was acceptable behaviour, or not.
If they said, “I regret that I had sex with someone when I was young and didn’t know any better - I hope that you and I can have a chaste and godly relationship,” that’s different than, “Well, So-and-so puts out; why don’t you?”
I apologise Malia if I seemed to exclude non single people here.
I am realistic. It would be very hard for me at my age 27 to find a man who is a virgin. Now when I meet a guy and he talks about his “conquest” and how good he is then yes that is a turn-off. If we were dating and he didn’t support me in my decision to stay a virgin till marriage or tried to see how far he could go or used the excuse “everyone else is doing it” or “you need to show me that you love me” then that would be a deal-breaker.
If he is a man who has made past sexual mistakes in his life and has chosen to be chaste; then no his past would not be a deal-breaker at all.
Now there is a flip side to this. Being a virgin can sometimes be a problem. I was talking to a fellow catholic who told me that he wouldn’t want to date a virgin because he wants to date someone who understand how much he has sinned and understand the same grace of forgiveness. Now I would thought he was just odd because Grace is Grace but I’ve had the situation were a guy knew I was a virgin and chose not to be in a relationship with me. That’s fine. I am not going to force anyone to date me.
I wouldn’t be all that interested in what someone did or didn’t do in their past as long as their current belief system, morals and values had changed. We all sin and who am I to judge. God tells us not to. What someone believes now and how they currently act is what concerns me. Unless there’s a history of going back and forth and always changing…that would be a red flag.
Again… old married lady here chiming in with a similar opinion as the previous posters…
As Catholics… the concept and SACRAMENT of FORGIVENESS is an essential part of our faith.
Mistakes and sins happen… it’s how we move on from those sins that makes the difference.
Clarify the question please:
They engaged in sex with someone else WHILE dating me? or it was in their past? HUGE difference.
Was this fellow Catholic also a virgin? If he wasn’t, then perhaps he felt that you two were not on “equal footing” or maybe he felt that you deserved better.
It does not remove the temporal effects, though. It does not reassemble an aborted baby torn apart by a suction machine and bring it back to life, nor does it make someone “un-pregnant”, nor does it make an STD go away.
Also, let’s clarify: we are assuming that the person dating the non-virgin is a virgin themselves, correct?
I have done things in my life that I regret. My one relationship headed down the road of sexual relations. I did some things I wish I didn’t do. While we didn’t “go all the way,” I’d be lying if I said I was fully pure. I would hope this doesn’t hurt my future relationships with other women.
When looking for a potential mate, I would hope a woman would realize that I have changed for the better. I would understand there being a tad bit of tension in that area, but I would also hope that any women would realize that I am truly sorry for what I have done and that I fully intend to avoid such actions in the future.
So basically, it depends on the individuals reactions to his/her own actions. Do they repent? Do they regret their decisions? etc…
I tend to agree with Rusty here…
When I was 17 and liberal Protestant a semi-Catholic man seduced me into going almost all the way. After that I never called myself a virgin anymore. As far as I see it you are not a virgin if somebody has touched your lower regions and aroused you in that way… if you have touched yourself and had sex with pornographic images or while thinking lustful thoughts then that is no better. A man who has engaged in masturbation or pornography is also wounded… he needs to repent … but in the end it is the love that will heal those wounds.
For me chastity is the issue.
Before virginity I place humility, love and chastity. As everyone here knows a man did not respect my wish to keep my physical sign of virginity but trespassed that boundary one year ago while I was fooling around… but the line of impurity was reached far before that point. I was devasted and feel into a clinical depression and a huge dark night of the soul…
Now one year later… I still weep sometimes and cant sleep.
BUT I still see myself as a woman with something to give in the sexual area that no man has yet gotten from me… but only my husband will know this… He will have something unique and something of great value that can only be bought by sincere love.
For the ones who don’t think they could live with a non-virgin… I’d say… wait and see… When I fell in love last time that love made all things new even though my beloved had a very dark past. I did not know that until I already loved him… that’s how it is with humans in all areas of life. We dont love them because they are beautiful but we find them beautiful because we love them.
However… to those men here I say: do listen to to your anti-feelings against women such as I (yes I notice its mostly men who say no to a non-virgin solely based on that)… because no non-virgin wants to marry a man or woman who will hold their past sins against them. A sinner has grieved enough without having to go through another hell… oh Jesus has millions of tears in His hands… tears wept night and day… while others walked around not knowing that they were blessed. Indeed Jesus does not forget one single tear. His purity is enough for us all.
As for us non-virgins who don’t deserve better (as Norseman says) I say to the ones who are like my self:… don’t worry… there are plenty of pious men and women out there who see it as an honour to one day hold your hand tight and become one with you in a Holy Marriage. Most people know their own weaknesses and know that they have been snacthed from the hands of the devil by the grace of God alone… there is no one righteous …not one. Thats why we need love so badly… We are all wounded by sin. Sometimes the desperate need for love even gets some of us into trouble over our head… But don’t despair: We all have the most important gift left to give: Our selves.
For the ones who have known the truly dark night. I give you my embrace and say you are not alone.
Ps. TLD if you see this… Don’t ever be ashamed to come to me and be my friend… For you see I know the pain…
I think this really depends on the stage of life someone is at. As well as their background.
If we are talking about people in their late teens or early 20s who claim to have never fallen away from the Church, I suspect that it may be a “deal breaker”.
On the other hand, if someone is older, had fallen, or was not even Catholic (or Christian) to begin with the situation may be different.
The critical thing is whether this person repudiates their previous behavior and is absolutely committed to chastity.
As a single man in his mid-40s, it is more important that a woman be committed to chastity than for her to be a virgin. I will also add that even if I were dating a virgin, I would still require that this woman be committed to chastity.
Just because a person is a virgin does not make them chaste. And many people engage in very unchaste behavior without losing their “technical” virginity.
The fact itself wouldn’t be a deal-breaker, but the attitude might be in some situations.
Like clevalier I think the question is open for misinterpretation.
Anyway… to clarify… I don’t believe in dating really/ideally… There is friendship and then there is courtship…
If I am not really friends with someone first then how could we ever start a courtship? So I could not tell about my past sins in a courtship situation…
…also because I tend to be a very open person and I’d never puyt my self into such a bad situation where I withheld some important thing.
I would love someone dearly if I were to court them. If then they left me because of a fall in my past I would think I had been mistaken about their love and they had even themselves fooled. Could I stop loving someone that I already loved because he confessed with pain that he had once been ill? Of course not.
That is why friendship is so important… there you get to know a person and from there you move into courtship… at that point there should not be any sudden surprises.
I remember once thinking about a man that had some great wounds in the sexual area. I was grieved. I let God penetrate me with his awesome love and at that time I realised that the person I thought so highly off might not have been the same humble and lovely person if it hadnt been for his realisation of his own awesome weakness and sin. Whereas sin is horrifying it can and does bring forth fruit in a persons life if God and man allows for the past to be transformed by God… He is powerful to do that…
When I look at Jason and Chrystalina Evert I see two people who met each other and saw each other. None of them were virgins… I say it again… none of them. One had been sleeping with guys… the other had had sex with himself and pornographic images. Both had sexual memories and wounds… but they were healed by their chastity and by love and they saw each other as new creations in Christ. Today they are happy…
One thing is true for us: if we have broken one command we have broken them all… we are guilty. I am not saying people should not clean up their act… But we all should know that none of us are called to judge…
That reminds me of a sermon I heard by Father Larry yesterday…