I don’t know if anyone else here has this issue, so I thought I’d bring it up. Somewhere along the line I was thinking about happiness, and I think I made a conscious deliberate decision that I would not seek happiness for myself, but rather be more interested in the happiness of others. Does someone need to be happy themselves to bring other people joy? I don’t seek to make myself happy or pursue anything that would besides God. I am trying to understand the idea of pleasing God, or of God being pleased by what His creatures do. I guess a lot of people would tell me that God wants me to be happy, and maybe it is true. Should I be happy? I just don’t feel comfortable being happy while so many people throughout the world are depressed, in anguish, and pain, duffering, starving to death and dying of disease, being treated like animals, physically, emotionally, sexually and spiritually abused, etc. How can I be happy in the midst of all of this? Why would I want to be? The only happiness I have is in doing God’s will. And I don’t really care so much about the happiness that comes from it as the fact that His will be done. If I ever get any feelings of happiness, I seem to shrug them off.
Most of all I seem to avoid developing happy relationships with other people. I do not want anyone to give me anything that would make me happy it seems. I try to help others be happy, but I try to keep away from anyone giving back. I don’t know why this is.
I must have some serious problems but I don’t really see a way out of them. I can’t seem to develop any reciprocal relationships. I just don’t like to think about my own good. Is there anything wrong with this? I only bring this up, because it seems like this whole way of thinking and acting is counterproductive to me being able to serve others in the name of Christ as well as I could be.
Does anyone have any advice or guidance for me? I am going to bring this up to my pastor and my spiritual director today.
Today, I am going to go to extraordinary Eucharistic minister training, which I am kind of uncomfortable doing but I figure I’ll go just in case if there is some day where another Eucharistic minister is absolutely needed, and I am the only one who can fill the spot.
But thank you all on CAF and thank God for creating you all!