Bachelor Party Woes


#1

My friend is getting married in december. He is not very close to me at this moment, but we were close college buddies, so when he asked me to be a groomsmen in his wedding, I was more than honored.

What bothers me is his best man who is planning the bachelor party is planning a relatively nice party day (golf, social, etc) with many people (about 10). What bothers me is at the end of the night they are doing the usualy machismo bachelor party thing and going to a strip club. None of these people are even an inkling religious so they see nothing wrong with it.

THere is no way I am going to this club. This very same thing happened when I was best man at my brother’s wedding (I didn’t plan the party because I lived out of town). I stood my ground and told them I won’t be attending. I went to the party for dinner and drinks then I went home and they continued the night. It was very hard to stand in the face of 10-15 guys who all see nothing wrong with it and me walk out the door.

I am just frustrated because now I have to do it again! I knew this would happen. Its almost to the point where I don’t even want to be any one else’s groomsmen just so I won’t have to face up to them and tell them I DON"T ATTEND CLUBS.

So naturally this party is out of town, so I told the best man that I would be attending the golfing, and the party afterwards (cards, dinner, etc.) but then I would have to go while they go to these clubs.

The problem is I told a fib. I told him that I needed to return to my family the next day as early as I possibly can, and so therefor cannot stay up until 3am because i need to drive 4 hours the next morning (which is technically true, I do need to drive back the next day, preferably as soon as possible).

I feel bad fibbing but its so much easier than explaining my morals and philosophy on why strip clubs are wrong. I find it disturbing that strip clubs are a “norm” for a pre-wedding party. You supposed to celebrating your last days as being single because you are celbrating the fact that you are about to be married, but not like this!!

Anyways I feel quilty for not telling him the real reason, but I just don’t think 1) he would care, and 2) I barely know this guy and don’t feel its my responsibility to explain my actions to him.

Any support advice would be great. Thanks for listening to my frustration!


#2

If you barley know the guy why did you agree to be in his wedding party?
as to your “fib” are you comfortable with it? If not then tell him the truth.


#3

I barely know the best man, the groom is my friend. I thought I stated that, but I’m sorry if that was confusing.

The one planning the bachelor party is the one I barely know. The groom is was a good college friend. We’re not as close now but we still talk.


#4

Good for you.

I don’t think you owe the best man the whole truth. If he presses you to come, then you could go into a longer explanation of your reasoning for not going, if you’re comfortable with that. You never know, by explaining why you don’t want to go, you may plant a seed.

I’m sure it’s not easy to be the odd man out, so good job standing your ground.

By the way Karin, I think the guy he barely knows is the best man, not the groom.


#5

sorry your post was confusing…
my same advice applies either way:D


#6

I support your not going to the strip club! My now-husband has been in your position repeatedly. He has chosen to embrace his reputation as a stick-in-the mud religious guy who doesn’t go to strip clubs. His friends love him, so they think it’s funny that my husband is so “prudish.” I think my husband has been able to take a stand while still being loved by his buddies because he is light-hearted about it.

For example, at the last wedding, he was invited to an entire Bachelor’s Weekend in Las Vegas. You know there’s going to be trouble there! My husband wrote a really funny email to the group of guys saying that he was sure they didn’t actually want him to attend because if he were there, he was going to speak up every time they did something immoral or disrespectful of marriage. They might as well invite along their mothers. He ended the email by saying he’d spend his Vegas money on the gift for the wedding couple.

There are plenty of times to take a hard stand that isn’t humorous at all. However, I also think there is benefit to my husband having done this in a sincere, but light-hearted manner so many times that he is a constant witness to his group of more secular friends as a good guy with strong faith and morals. If not for my hubby, these guys might not know a single soul who actually follows what the Church teaches.

So, there’s some support for you! :thumbsup:


#7

You don’t have to go into details but I would (if I were you) let him know that you aren’t going to the strip club because you think it is wrong. You don’t have to go into any details but perhaps this will lead to him re-evaluating his own reasons for going. I think all men have deep within them what is true and know that this is truely wrong, sad and sick…

God bless you and I pray you have the wisdom and courage to deal with this situation.

God is good!


#8

Wow, I feel so blessed that all the people who were in my wedding party are morally upright and would never go with the idea of doing something like that! I feel very sheltered :o But then again, my husband and I jokingly call ourselves little hermits :slight_smile:

By the way, TallyCatholic, I don’t think you did tell a fib–you DO have a family you need to get back to, and you CAN’T stay out until 3 am anymore. It’s the truth! If they were just going to go out all night drinking at a bar you probably wouldn’t join them either. Maybe if it comes up again, you can tell the best man “Even if I didn’t have a family to get back home to, I don’t approve of strip clubs and would not give them my business.”


#9

It’s nice to hear this from a man. I couldn’t agree more. It’s disappointing when only the bad boys are outspoken about their motivations & beliefs. The world would be a better place if more good men were brave. Reminds me of that oft-used Fulton Sheen quote:

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

OP: maybe this time the opportunity has passed. But the next time you have the opportunity to take 3 seconds to defend human dignity, take that chance! Whether it was a real fib or not doesn’t matter. You feel bad for it for a reason.


#10

Obviously, you are right on target with absenting yourself from this strip club trip.

As for having to stand up in the face of all the “friends” who want to attend such a place-- I can only suggest you get new friends. You say you are going to give up being a groomsman, but no practicing Catholic friend would ask you to attend such a party, and why would you want to be a groomsman for someone who obviously is not religious and does not even begin to comprehend the Sacrament of Marriage.

My husband’s “bachelor party” was a BBQ in the back yard-- good, clean fun. There is nothing “usual” about strip club parties, and if they are usual in your circle then maybe get a new circle.

You do not owe this man an explanation for why you are not going, but if asked tell them the truth.


#11

I appreciate your sentiment, but let me clear something up. These are not MY friends. I am being a groomsmen in a wedding of a college friend, to BE a good friend to him. To show him even though I may not agree with a lifestyle he has chosen, I want him to know he can talk to me and trust me. And I am honored he wants me to be part of a ceremony that even though WE may consider it not a perfect marriage, is big to him.

You say you are going to give up being a groomsman, but no practicing Catholic friend would ask you to attend such a party, and why would you want to be a groomsman for someone who obviously is not religious and does not even begin to comprehend the Sacrament of Marriage.

First, he is not catholic. None of them are religious at all, but I have managed to have very good talks with him at points in his life in college because he knows I am a practicing Catholic. I want to be a groomsman for him because I want to show him that he can still count on me no matter what happens, to be there for him.

My husband’s “bachelor party” was a BBQ in the back yard-- good, clean fun. There is nothing “usual” about strip club parties, and if they are usual in your circle then maybe get a new circle.

I would have preferred something like this, and the majority of the day is like this, except for this one “excursion”. And again, this is not my “circle”. I am the outsider. Everyone knows eachother EXCEPT me.

You do not owe this man an explanation for why you are not going, but if asked tell them the truth.

Thank you for the sage advice. I ask you to pray for me that when asked to be upfront with them. God Bless you and thanks again.


#12

I absolutely LOVED the advice by tridentine fan…

Sure, you can explain why you are not going…but keeping a sense of humor about it will go a long way as she mentioned that her husband has done.

You have already set a great example as a Catholic for your friend! It is hard for me to remember for sure, but in reality people are really WATCHING us…it is important as a Catholic to make the faith (as much as possible and within church guidelines) look as appealing as possible!

So, when you go to the party have fun! Be jovial and tell jokes! Be a fun guy that people want to get to know! Then make a very polite exit without giving a lecture…your exit will be your example. This is much better then coming across as a stick-in-the-mud (in my opinion). I know you are not a stick in the mud but the other men do not know that and I want you to make a good impression so they will perhaps, reconsider their behavior. By watching you they might come to learn that you do not need to watch women degrade themselves in order to have fun.

God bless you and hope this helps.


#13

I think you are in a tremendous position to be a witness to the Truth. I would recommend letting the best man know privately ahead of time that you will be leaving before the strip club events, and make a cordial exit without a lot of drama.

DH’s supervisor and pretty much all his colleagues fall in that same lust-worshipping crowd. They have an ongoing weekly lunch date at a strip club. Whenever we’re invited to some sort of event, we try to make it and opt out of the questionable activities. We gain a lot of respect and credibility by demonstrating that we can be fun and have a good time without engaging in sinful behavior, and this keeps DH’s foot in the door to have meaningful discussions that could plant a seed to change their hearts one day.


#14

Wasn’t that Winston Churchill who said that?

Nope, we are both wrong. According to Google, it was Edmund Burke. (Who was he?)


#15

Whig philosopher.

I guess Sheen didn’t cite his sources. :wink: Hopefully he’ll be canonized anyhow, eh?


#16

My DH has been here too, with family nonetheless! I have heard many things including private strippers having sex with the groom. I dont have any answers but maybe you can have your wife give you a fake phone call saying its your boss say you have to come into work for an emergancy meeting! lol
Or tell them the truth. Just say you have to much respect for the sacrament of marriage to do this. Or just dont show up!
I guess those are the only options you have.


#17

:eek: In the words of Christopher West, I would sooner be crucified!


#18

Good for you for finding the balance and being a good Christian friend! I agree with the suggestions about having a smooth, non-dramatic exit, and warning the groom ahead of time, so he doesn’t worry.

I recently had the chance to back out of my sister-in-law’s bachelorette party. It was “just” a night of bar-hopping - not intrinsically sinful - but I predicted my presence wouldn’t be missed and I knew I’d hate every minute of it. Thank God I had the wonderful excuse of my nursing baby to keep me from going. I went to the bridal shower (the same day), told them to have fun, and said good bye with a smile before they continued on with their night. Of course, from the stories I heard the next day, there would have been alot of very uncomfortable moments for me, so feel like I dodged a bullet by not going!

So don’t feel bad about using an excuse, just be glad you know enough not to go (as opposed to the other guys who could possibly regret going someday)! Yeah, if people pester you about not going, you can always give a short “I’m not a fan of strip clubs anyway” answer, and if they keep pestering you, tell them why or go for Tridentinefan’s dh’s approach. But you don’t HAVE to tell any more than you did to this guy.


#19

My husband, too, is repeatedly put in this situation. He simply bows out early, using the excuse that he needs to get sleep so he can get up and help me with our twins (although this is true, it’s not the whole reason). Now, I wish he were totally honest with his friends and would explain to them how it is disrespectful to me to go to places like that, and perhaps one day he will be able to bear witness to his friends. I admire you for your decision, it is all to easy to go along with the crowd. Your marriage will be strengthened because of your choice. I do encourage you to gently explain your real reason for not going to the strip club, in a non-judgmental way, of course. Maybe, just maybe, your friend will see that it is NOT a good way to celebrate the start of a marriage.


#20

Working in a busy office, I am shocked by what is considered “normal guy behavior” at bachelor parties! We are not just talking strippers, but sex acts being performed in front of and ON guests at the party for a donation to benefit the groom! (The groom even takes part sometimes!) Almost everyone I talk to thinks this is absolutely fine, even married men and brides-to-be (“I don’t want to know what he does at the bachelor party!”) I would be physically ill if my husband attended one of these parties, and I am not an insecure person. Just the proximity to such sinfulness! I am only in my 30’s… I am not a prude, but both my husband and I agree that this kind of stuff is a horrible way to begin a marriage (or to engage in, period!) It depresses me to think that this is so accepted. God bless you for taking a stand. Who cares what the other guys think? You can respect yourself after the wedding… can they? Take Care!:thumbsup:


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