back sass


#21

[quote="Cat, post:20, topic:297208"]
I agree with this.

I think that it's wonderful that a small child is able to speak up. So many children say nothing to adults...

[/quote]

An inability or unreadiness to question authority leaves a person vulnerable to manipulative people, including those out-and-out predators who need compliant victims whom they can see are afraid to protest an unacceptable situation.

It is important that children learn to voice their questions in a respectful way, though, because people who learn to question with tact are the people whose questioning leads to positive change. But yes, the idea is not to teach children that they may not ask questions, but to teach them to ask in an appropriate way. Questioning is a social skill to be learned, not a character flaw to be stamped out.


#22

[quote="EasterJoy, post:21, topic:297208"]
An inability or unreadiness to question authority leaves a person vulnerable to manipulative people, including those out-and-out predators who need compliant victims whom they can see are afraid to protest an unacceptable situation.

It is important that children learn to voice their questions in a respectful way, though, because people who learn to question with tact are the people whose questioning leads to positive change. But yes, the idea is not to teach children that they may not ask questions, but to teach them to ask in an appropriate way. Questioning is a social skill to be learned, not a character flaw to be stamped out.

[/quote]

The problem I am talking about is not the questions. Its the Back SASS when told to do something. Also, If I don't teach my child to have respect for me then he will not have respect for other adults. He argues with me.

My son also does not have ANY business trying to get involved in an adult conversation when it is not even about him.


#23

[quote="JillianRose, post:22, topic:297208"]
The problem I am talking about is not the questions. Its the Back SASS when told to do something. Also, If I don't teach my child to have respect for me then he will not have respect for other adults. He argues with me.

My son also does not have ANY business trying to get involved in an adult conversation when it is not even about him.

[/quote]

You have encouraged or tolerated the behavior in some way, or he wouldn't be doing it. Strong-willed children will take no response from a parent to mean, "Go ahead! You've got my support!" They need a LOT of reining in, but done with a sense of perspective and a tiny dose of humor (if you laugh AT them, they only get their panties in a wad.)

It is not cute for a child to smart back to an adult. Nor is it cute for a 6 year old to insert himself into adult conversations. It's plain obnoxious.

For backtalk: Respond EVERY TIME, do not allow even one sassing to go unaddressed. Sit down with your husband and decide what carrot and what stick you will use to respond. If he responds to a request or a comment politely and appropriately, he gets a positive response (a sticker, a smile, a small treat, etc.). If he back-talks, he gets an admonishment ("You cannot talk to Mommy that way. Please try again.") or a correction (has to do a chore, has to give up $.10 of allowance, etc.). Find the ratio that works for you. Some parents can praise a child more easily for NOT doing a certain behavior.

Before you put any system into place, sit him down and explain what is going to happen and why. You can even role-play his usual responses and the ones he needs to give instead. Have your husband play your son and you give him a command, and have your husband sass back. Tell him that sort of response is no longer going to be allowed, and that RESPECT is the rule in your house.

If he has any questions about what he is being told to do, he can ask that question politely but not as an argument.

One last thing is that if you and your hubby have back and forth exchanges, you must stop that in front of him and any other children. Try not to have adult conversations between the 2 of you when he is around. He obviously wants to participate but needs to know how to be included, so talk more on his level instead of over his head.


#24

[quote="JillianRose, post:22, topic:297208"]
The problem I am talking about is not the questions. Its the Back SASS when told to do something. Also, If I don't teach my child to have respect for me then he will not have respect for other adults. He argues with me.

[/quote]

You don't have to be reasonable. Just repeat the same thing until he does as he's told. Make him aware that you are impervious to his style of "reason," and that the only way to have peace in his life is to do as he's told.

My son also does not have ANY business trying to get involved in an adult conversation when it is not even about him.

He shouldn't even be in the same room. These conversations need to take place when he is asleep or out of the house.


#25

You are right. In my previous post I stated he does it a lot to my husband. I think the problem is our idol threats. There is not follow through on my husbands part. NONE. Personally I think he does it because, you know how it is, when you ground a child or take something away it effects you. Also, the fact that when my husband and him get into it, my husband ask me to step in, therefore taking his own authority away by delegating it to me.

Most of the time, we do not have exchanges or talk abour detrimental conversations in from of him. We could be talking about what we should do this weekend and he interjects. No matter what we are talking about.

UGHHHH!! Thanks. It is hard that we are not on the same page.

If he has any questions about what he is being told to do, he can ask that question politely but not as an argument.


#26

[quote="jmcrae, post:24, topic:297208"]
You don't have to be reasonable. Just repeat the same thing until he does as he's told. Make him aware that you are impervious to his style of "reason," and that the only way to have peace in his life is to do as he's told.

He shouldn't even be in the same room. These conversations need to take place when he is asleep or out of the house.

[/quote]

When I mean adult conversations I mean when me and my husband our talking. Like how was work, or what should we do after church. He completely interrupts, either corrects us, (he thinks) or starts talking over us. I love my son dearly, but lately he is annoying.


#27

[quote="JillianRose, post:25, topic:297208"]
You are right. In my previous post I stated he does it a lot to my husband. I think the problem is our idol threats. There is not follow through on my husbands part. NONE. Personally I think he does it because, you know how it is, when you ground a child or take something away it effects you. Also, the fact that when my husband and him get into it, my husband ask me to step in, therefore taking his own authority away by delegating it to me.

*Most of the time, we do not have exchanges or talk abour detrimental conversations in from of him. We could be talking about what we should do this weekend and he interjects. No matter what we are talking about. *

UGHHHH!! Thanks. It is hard that we are not on the same page.

If he has any questions about what he is being told to do, he can ask that question politely but not as an argument.

[/quote]

"Son, this is not a conversation that includes you. You may listen but may not interrupt." If he keeps doing it, he leaves the room or you and hubby leave the room and talk in private.

Does he have siblings? Is there a big gap between him and them? He is being included in the adult circle and he likes it, and he's taking liberties with that position. Very bad behavior to allow to continue. It's obnoxious, as a matter of fact.

Never make threats you don't intend to carry out. Sit down with hubby and plan out your response, and make sure BOTH of you buy into it equally. Any response that both of you will implement is better than one that only one of you will implement.

Does one of you subtly encourage this behavior? Do you smile at him when he does this, "Oh, that's so cute!" Even when we make comments to our friends and family like, "He's a born lawyer, argues all the time!" that can encourage a child to keep up the backtalk.


#28

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