WAR ON CHRISTMAS CASUALTY REPORT:
Santa Claus Clings to Life After Brutal Horsewhipping by Angry Children!
Keeping the Christ in Christmas!
Freehold Iowa - Tom Dawkins, an unrepentant Atheist and local troublemaker is hospitalized and remains in not-critical-enough condition at the Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital for the Saved. Earlier this week, Dawkins thought he’d have a little fun at the expense of Christian sensitivity by dressing up as a pagan pedophile (“Santa Claus”) and undermining the Jesusness of the cutthroat sale-searching going on at Landover’s Christian Shopping Mall.
“Santa ended up with a red butt full of lead before he made it halfway through the parking lot,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “He also got himself two black eyes that made him look more like Frosty the Snowman than Lucifer’s gift-giving ambassador here on Earth!” As an annual precaution, Baptist Security officers and deputized Deacons are armed with shotguns, pepper spray and bullwhips, and stationed at each mall entranceway during the Christmas season. As usual, they all had orders to shoot Santa Claus on sight. Because of the 4-minute spray of bullets that downed the entire shoe department at JC Penny’s last year, Pastor and Kay Jewelry salesmen Harold Pinky had instructed mall security, ‘Don’t fire until you see the whites of his furry cuffs!’ But thanks to the efforts of several boys from the Landover Baptist Junior High Youth Group, and three young members of our Tots-4-Jesus Prayer Squad, Santa Claus’ feeble attempt to spoil Christmas for True Christians™ ended on the tarmac of the east parking lot of the Freehold, Iowa Baptist Mall. Praise God, who knows how many happy, Christian sweater shoppers’ lives were saved by trying to kill Santa out in the parking lot this year!"
Billy Henshaw, Matthew Hargraves, and Albert Pinderbrook from Tots-4-Jesus were awarded the Landover Baptist medal of honor during last week’s Sunday morning church service. “Each of these 5-year old boys tell me they acted instinctively out of Christian concern as soon as they saw that fat red demon squeeze out of his VW Bug plastered with vile ‘Imagine World Peace’ bumper stickers,” Pastor told parishioners on Sunday. “They snuck up behind him, beat him unconscious and held him down while Billy pumped a few rounds into his enormous behind. When ambulances arrived almost two hours later, a crowd of cheering church members along with the entire Landover Baptist Junior High Youth Group had already shown up. I’m told that each of them had a Godly opportunity to kick and spit on that old devil.”
Billy Henshaw recalls, “When we had Santa down, I called everyone I knew on my cell phone and told them all, ‘Get down here as fast as you can if you want to get a punch in on this pagan troll before the ambulance shows up! I then used my phone to take photos of his wiener with that devil cap of his on it. You can see a bunch of them like the one above on my MySpace page.’” Many children, still angry about being tricked into good behavior, were happy for the opportunity to take a few spirited whacks at the man who had falsely promised them iPods and Playstations last year.
Santa Claus remains in critical condition in cot on the loading dock at Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital for the Saved. “We don’t have him on life support or anything, he’s just got some bruised ribs, a bloody rear end, two black eyes, and it sounds like he’s having a real rough time breathing that invigorating 18-degree air out there,” says Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. “We’re just gonna hold him here for a week or two till someone from the ACLU gets here to pick him up or the sanitation people cart him off in one of their smelly trucks.”
Pastor Deacon Fred noted that Landover Baptist Church members have demonstrated their unwavering faith in God Almighty by using any means necessary to keep the Christ in Christ-mas. “Our Tots-4-Jesus are taught that Santa’s belly is fat because it is filled with the bodies of the little Christian boys and girls he kidnaps through their chimneys and feasts upon with his demonic elves in his hellish lair in the North Pole. Thanks to our teachings, we’ve instilled a set of values into the hearts and minds of our Christian children at a very early age. That is, the message of Jesus’ love is what this month is all about – and we are willing to crack some skulls to keep it that way. And these kiddies’ spontaneous show of this Christmas spirit is a demonstration that those lessons and teachings work! Praise God! And let this be a lesson to all you parents out there who are tempted to forget the Christmas story by writing ‘From Santa’ and not ‘From Jesus’ on presents: A smelly manger in Bethlehem would seem like the Ritz-Carlton compared to a rat-infested, Iowa hospital loading dock in the dead of winter, my friends!”