Every time I go to Confession, it seems as though I recieve grace only to lose it. I lack practically any spiritual support, and seem to go downhill whenever I try to do something right.
I’m a 17 year old male who just wants thicker hair on top of my head and curls because it would match my face structure better, but my mother constantly nags about it and says that unless I get it cut she will deprive me of everything (my license, my right to go places, my right to go to Confession, ect.). She is willing to take what is most precious to me in order to “win” the argument. Now I’m sure about some of the responses will be something like “Accept getting a haircut and looking odd as a cross in your life.” That seems like an ok response, but here’s how I view it; If someone was born with a physical deformity, yes, that would be a necessary cross to carry…but if people would think I’m nuts (because of the look of my haircut) and it was something I could help, then that is unfair. If people think that I’m an idiot and it’s not my own fault but my parents’ fault (for making me get the unattractive looking haircut), that is completely unjust.
I find myself more unwilling to put forth effort to avoid sin, as my mind seems to mainly contain confusion. I was willing to get my life back on the right path, but it turns out that Confession is not available today and was not available yesterday in the Churches in my area (during Christmas of all days)! I did not take Communion during Christmas Mass. It appears that one or more Churches had it available practically the entire week…and I do not believe I had any knowledge of this beforehand. It’s not fair! I’m sure this may seem blasphemous, but I’m getting the feeling that God has turned against me.
Life is becoming to seem more meaningless and clouded with confusion. I’m not even sure about what it means to go to confession “as soon as possible” after making an Act of Perfect Contrition, so even attempting to make that commitment seems useless.
My mother is destroying me spiritually and mentally, and I know she is trying to make my outer appearence look horrible. And if I don’t obey her about making my outer appearence look awful, she threatens to take what is most precious to me. She even threatened that if my dad drove me to Confession she would follow us there and tell the priest that I’m not really sorry and she claims that I’m making a mockery of Confession by going there and then disobeying her (I urge to obey her, just not her demands which make me look completely unattractive). Counceling it not an answer because she refuses to go. If there is any such thing as justice, there must be some kind of line to be drawn with the law concerning mental abuse. She won’t even let me visit relatives today.
More and more I feel myself being drawn away from the Catholic faith. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. This could go under the family help forum, but I think this is a spiritual problem as well, or possibly even more. I’m sure that some of you will say “pray”, but what is the use of praying when I obviously don’t even have God’s friendship? When a person is in mortal sin, he does not have grace, so why pray if it probably means nothing?
What could I possibly do about this? It seems like an impossible situation, but there has to be an answer, and its not giving up who I am either.