Being A Parent to Daughters


#1

How do you feel noticing negative personality traits in your children? As a Christian, the Lord wants us to outgrow or overcome them. Within a good day, I’ll notice I can be stubborn, impatient, rude, careless. I’m not a parent. It does frustrate me how spot on my father can be about all my shortcomings.
How do you deal with children, especially daughters who may be too flirty or even promiscuous?
How do you respect the dignity of the person while delivering the honest to God truth?
The truth does not make people feel comfortable, but needs to be a said.
That is a common theme in my reoccurring posts.
Accepting my limitations without envying those who surpass me.


#2

My daughters are younger than you, but I correct them partially by channeling their talents. People who are stubborn can also be strong-willed. People who are impatient also have a strong vision of how they want things to be. People who are careless can also be dreamers. I try to correct their behavior but encourage any strengths that go with it.

You have strengths. God doesn’t make worthless people. Build on and appreciate what you’re good at just as much as you try to correct your weak areas. You’re more useful to God that way.


#3

You certinally don’t allow 20 somethings to live at home and butt heads like petulant toddlers—that’s for sure.


#4

I appreciate your judgment because you are so perfect and holy yourself. GOD BLESS YOU. Stop responding to my posts.


#5

It’s very important for children to feel loved by parents. Even if teachings have been instilled from a young age regarding this, some will seek validation and love in negative ways to fill that hole if it is lacking.

This is applies to all personalities, both extroverts and introverts.

God Bless you.:cherry_blossom:


#6

Part of the problem is nobody likes to be corrected, no matter how gently it’s done

Kid: can I have a ride to the mall?
Parent: did you clean your room yet?
Kid: OMG you’re always flipping out on me!

Meh


#7

I don’t have kids, but I reckon my mother felt the same noticing “negative personality traits” in me (which from time to time she listed as stubbornness, disobedience, disrespect, selfishness, lack of appreciation of her efforts on my behalf, anger, unwillingness to spend enough time sitting with her or listening to her, etc. ) as I did noticing “negative personality traits” in her (which from my viewpoint included overemotionalism, guilt-tripping, inappropriate anger, ridiculous expectations, moodiness, overcontrolling nature, making mountains out of molehills, and score-keeping).

It’s called “realizing your loved one is human and is not exactly like you.”

We loved each other a lot anyway.


#8

No matter how you spin this issue it can’t be corrected.

Part of parenthood is recognizing when children are adults and when you can no longer be of help in correcting and guiding them.


#9

I take the good with the bad. Or maybe it’s the bad with the good. As my second daughter gets older, she sometimes butts heads with my wife in a most spectacular way. I have to admit–the apple may not have fallen far from the tree, and I have to admit that I take a little guilty pleasure in thinking, ‘Uh-huh? See what it can be like to deal with someone like that?’ :grin:

But when I see negative traits I try to mitigate them as constructively as possible. My wife and I most definitely coach each other through it.


#10

Behavior should be addressed, not personality.

Behaviors are learned. Personalities are innate. The key is to draw out the postive, in the personality not reinforce negative, by constantly reminding them of flaws in a way that attacks them as a person .

That’s not being direct, thats something else. Someone can be direct with kindness and understanding.


#11

How do I feel noticing negative traits in my children? Um, most of the time, that they come by them honestly via how their parents act.

When I have to deliver a less than positive message I wrap it in as much love and empathy as I can; so, recently my son has been acting out in school and I said something to him like, “I love you, just as you are, I love you. Your behavior, though, wasn’t ok. What I’m hearing from you is that you were very frustrated and that makes you feel angry, is that right? Yeah, I’d be angry and annoyed too if kids were doing that to me. We can’t control our emotions but we get to control how we act; so, when I’m angry I’ll try and get myself out of the situation, maybe sit somewhere else or if you need help to figure out how to do that in that situation ask a teacher. Does that sound like something you can do? Can you think of anything else you could do?”

If it was a daughter who acting flirty or promiscuous I’d have a similar conversation; but, a lot would depend on age and financial purse strings. If it was a teenager we’d talk about loving herself and not needing attention from men and work towards finding things she for which she will feel proud of herself. We’d talk a lot about what real love looks like vs. superficial “feeling good.” If it was an adult child who was living with me I’d still try and talk about those things but it would be more about her finding those things for herself.

In both of the above examples we’d also find a way to incorporate prayer.

Regarding accepting limitations: Life is a marathon, not a sprint. We are meant to enjoy the work of improvement. You will never be “done.” There will always be personal improvements that can be made, there will always be people doing better than you at any given thing.

I have found that focused intensity is the best way to improve. So, I might say, for right now my main priority is addressing my stubbornness. I’ll figure out how to know, in the moment, I’m acting stubborn. For me, I know I’m being stubborn when I start arguing instead of listening. The next step is figuring out how to stop it; so, I’ll tell myself that when I realize I’m acting stubborn instead of continuing I will either ask to postpone the conversation, “Hey, I’m not really open to this discussion right now; can we talk after dinner?” or I will decide to keep my mouth shut. I might not hear but I won’t make the situation worse. Then I’ll pick a timeline, probably weekly and then at the end of the month, to see if there is improvement or tweaks that should be made and if I’ve come far enough that I should focus on something else or if I still need practice.

The emotional reaction that causes the stubbornness might NEVER change. You may always feel annoyed, angry, burdened, or whatever it is you feel; but, it’s your actions that reflect your Christian heart.


#12

Thank you for your opinion. I do not care for the attitude behind some of your posts. It can come across as rather rude. I’ll stop posting about my personal life because I’m opening myself up for criticism. God bless you. Feel free to ignore my posts if you have no issue referring me as a brat or comparing to your autistic relative.


#13

Other than your post, I don’t see anyone using the word brat or comparing you to someone with autism.


#14

:face_with_raised_eyebrow:

I’ve never name called you—not once.

I have offered situations, as others have, about family matters. I believe I told you quite a bit about how my brothers and I relate. I have never compared you to anyone. I have told you about my family and how my life works. That is not a comparison to you personally. It’s saying that X is my experience, which is very close to your experience of Y. Eventually, I chose to take the path of Z and that worked well.

Thing is, many others have done the same. At length. For YEARS. We offer you our experiences, our lives and our difficulties so that you may discern what’s going on in your life. I believe that on many a thread you’ve even had religious offer solid advice.

You are not a “brat”. Your parents have been incredibly permissive and allow two (or more) of their grown adult children to continue a trend of berating and abusing eachother with eye-popping comb-downs and exchanges so visceral I’m often surprised they don’t come to fisticuffs. (then again, that’s my bias of having brothers). It really is unhealthy.

You are not the only young adult here in a bad situation trying to philosophize themselves into a better place.

I’m just as honest with the rest of them.

It’s for that reason I post on “your” threads. There are other eyes watching. There are people in the future who are just.like.you who are going to read this. Adult children who are struggling to cope with extended adolescence.

90% of the time this can be remedied when one or more of the adult children move out of the house.


#15

Well oops…sorry.


#16

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