Being patient with an entitled church friend


#1

How do I remain patient with entitled “friends” at my church young adult group? For instance, I invited one friend out to a pricey charity gala as I had an extra free ticket from work. He is now asking me for 4 more tickets to invite his friends as well this year. This guy also bosses me around when we go volunteering and doesn’t donate anything to the church/charities. The last straw for me was when we went to a baseball game and he refused to pay me back for the ticket (even though I worked so hard to get field level tickets at a reasonable price) and guilt tripped me into buying him beer. I’ve always been generous/kind and at this point I feel like I can’t be as patient when someone is blatantly acting so entitled. Should I cut him off despite the fact that we are part of the same group? This has been causing a lot of strain for me as I really didn’t expect this sort of self-centered behavior from a church group member.


Dealing with A Difficult Person
#2

Maybe take a break from this “friend” for a while and let him contribute to the friendship. It sounds one-sided.


#3

Get new friends.


#4

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#5

Here’s an oldie from when I was middle aged :smirk:


#6

Why would you let people abuse you like this? Just say no.


#7

Thanks everyone! Yes, you guys/gals are 100% right. This is abuse (as I’m drained both financially and emotionally at someone else’s expense), but what bothers me is that his girlfriend is heading up the social committee of our young adult group and we typically have to RSVP for events through her. What really sucks is that the minute I tell him “no”, he will most likely start mentioning to his girlfriend (and subsequently others) how I didn’t go out of my way to help him although clearly he’s been the one freeloading off of my kindness (overwhelmingly) thus far. Again, this is not what I expected to deal with in being part of a Catholic young adult group, as I was looking for a community that shared the same Christian values (not a “clique”). I’m starting to look into other groups in my area, but I’d really hate to leave a group of good/true friends because of this one fellow who’s been causing me much grief.


#8

Don’t invite him.

Say no in a polite or funny way. With the extra tickets, just say you’re not in a position (which is vague) (and stick to that if he asks for more details) to get more tickets, here’s the number he can call about them.

As to RSVPing, text?

Everyone else, including the gf, will soon figure him out.


#9

Cut him off. He sounds awful.

I bet you’ll find he’s done it to others before you.


#10

So you have to RSVP to his girlfriend. Most people are able to do that kind of job without a problem.

If these people in the group are truly good/true friends, they won’t pay any attention to what he says. Most likely they already know what he is like. If anyone says anything, you are allowed to say what actually happened. I wouldn’t rush off to find another group because of one person. Just minimize your contact with him and don’t do him any “favors.”


#11

The sooner you learn how to set personal boundaries, the better you’ll be in the long run. There’s a book that you need to read: “Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no, to take control of your life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Right now you’re letting others treat you like a puppet and you’re mad at them, but what’s worse is you’re mad at yourself and it’s eating you up. Get counseling if you can and read as much as you can to learn how to set boundaries so you can learn how to NOT be such a people-pleaser and doormat. This is an important basic life skill, and I wish you the best on your journey!


#12

This person is not your friend.


#13

So what? Who cares what he tells people?

Also, you are just making stuff up in your head with what you think he is going to do. This isn’t reality, this is your own anxiety driving your imagination.

Catholic young adults are young adults just like the rest of the population. They can be immature. You will have sincere and insincere people in such a group. You will come across all sorts of people.

I am not sure why you expected people to leave original sin at the door. That is not how it works. People are broken, everywhere. You take the good with the bad or you move on to a new group of people.

There are always cliques. I was a leader in young adults for over 10 years. There can be cliques with older groups, Mom groups, Knights groups. It’s hunan nature.

Good leadership can overcome some of that, so if you feel strongly move into a leader position and influence the culture of the group.

So don’t. Just stop inviting him places and move on from his friendship, which wasn’t a friendship at all.


#14

You need to either learn to say a firm “No” to friend who takes advantage of you, and go on your merry way, or if you can’t do that or he’s making you too annoyed, cut him off.

This guy has figured out that you’re a pushover and that he can get stuff from you. He will just continue to try to get more and more because he thinks he can and he has no shame about it. He’s probably doing this to you because a lot of other people already told him to get lost.

Also, when it comes to getting tickets and expecting someone to pay you back - that’s a bad idea. I never give somebody a ticket unless I’m okay with it being a gift. If they want to give me money or do something for me later, fine, but I don’t expect it, because sometimes I’m not gonna get it. If I want to get money for the ticket, I sell it on Stubhub or by standing outside the venue waiting for somebody to come along who needs a ticket with cash in their hand.


#15

Thanks everyone for your help! I’ll heed your advice and limit contact with him/avoid him as much as I can. If he starts asking me to start attending events or for favors, I’ll politely decline. I also told my mom about this and she told me to let it go but don’t entertain any of his requests going forward. She also mentioned that he’s gained so little in the short term but lost a lot in the grand scheme of things and conversely for me.

There was one time when he told me that he doesn’t like his co-workers and doesn’t hang out with them because they are so cheap with him. In all likelihood (I can only guess), they’ve figured him out as well.


#16

You could try saying “no” and see what happens, The problem may resolve itself.


#17

“More tickets? Sure. They are $ XXX each. Contact this phone number to buy them.”

“I’m buying a ticket to the baseball game, do you want to buy a ticket to the same game?”

At the game when he asks for a beer, well, as a friend I would buy my friend a beer. If you cannot afford it, and he asks for a beer say “I can’t afford that today.”


#18

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