Being stalked


#1

I ended a bad relationship about a month ago, I was previously engaged to be wed. This man has been folowing me around and sending me pitiful emails, leaving messages on my VM, and sending me letters via snail mail! Do I ignore this or should I perhaps just confront this sad lad face to face and end it? He has even waited by my car waiting for me to get off from work. The thing is, I am hoping to be married in the next couple years and dont want to be held back by this chump! BTW, we broke up because he wouldnt leave me alone!
Thanks for your support guys!


#2

Tell him in no uncertain terms to back off. If he doesn’t, then get a restraining order. And use it, if necessary.


#3

First and formost, pray for him and for yourself.
It is hard to let go a relationship for many people.

Whatever he sends you, save them - You might need them later.
Don’t threat him about restraining order just yet. That is the last resource.


#4

May I say, I am not afraid of this man. I am guessing that he can not let go of the relationship we had. I still care for him greatly. My family still invites him to partys without asking me first. This is how intertwined (sp?) our lives our. I think I might have to start working on holidays to avoid these partys!


#5

Wow, you need to have a heart to heart chat with your family! They need to respect that you have broken it off with this guy because he’s just not the one. He doesn’t have to be a “bad” guy, just not “the” guy.


** It might help to let them know that you’d like to move on with your life and they are impeding your progress. Do they even realize how uncomfortable it makes you? Do they realize they are ultimately contributing to his pain too by not cutting ties?**


I know you don’t feel afraid of him right now. But emotions can do some strange things to people. You never know what another person can be capable of.


** I’m not saying he is dangerous…he’s probably just hurting and unsure of how to let go (especially when your family is sending mixed messages) but I am saying to keep your eyes open. When he finally gets the message that it’s over, he will either let it go or escalate his “efforts” to win you back. That could get dangerous.**


Malia


#6

I agree, Fernando’s Wise Wife. The relationship is over and your family needs to respect this if you are going to be able to move on.


#7

WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING!!! Keep a record of everything as small as you may think it is. VM’s, emails, snail mail, every time you see him, even if you think it is a coincidence, write it down the date, time and place. If he tells you something write that down also, not every word, but just enough to jog your memory just in case you need to recall it. With the vm’s, you don’t have to keep them unless, of course, he’s threatening or scaring you in some way, otherwise write down the time, date and a little of what the message said etc. If you feel the need to keep the voicemail, I suggest buying a little voice recorder that way you can record (transfer) the messages from your phone or answering machine to the voice recorder. You will need all of this if you decide you need a restraining order, also, call the police and let them know what is going on and ask that they write a report on this, they will ask you to help them by keeping accurate record of everything he does etc.

Please do not take this lightly, pray that he will move on and that God protects you, but you must also protect yourself!!!


#8

Stop being polite. He can’t take no for an answer. He needs to be hit over the head to get the point. Many men are like that when it comes to this issue.

Get a restraining order. If you see him call the police or if it is in public, scream your head off. Really.

If he is at a party, leave the minute you know he is there.

Been there.


#9

Ignoring usually works, but I agree with the above. If it becomes where you start to question your safety, or his sanity…then a restraining order…is in order. I will say a little prayer for him, and for you.:o

was he basically smothering you?


#10

When I was in college I was stalked by a former boyfriend. This was before anti-stalker laws. The police thought I was exaggerating. Others (professors, etc.) thought I should be flattered.

At first it was the same as you – just whiny love letters, phone calls, etc. It soon got ugly.

He attacked the young man I began dating. He followed me EVERYWHERE (church, work, classes, stores). This lasted for several months (the police did NOTHING).

Finally it all stopped abruptly. He found another girl to fixate on. He was eventually arrested for beating up HER boyfriend, and for performing a lewd act in public.

Keep track of EVERYTHING he sends, says, etc. Maintain a log of times. He might seem harmless, but I thought my former boyfriend was harmless, too.

I’ll pray for you.

'thann


#11

I think involving the police is a good idea. People that you thought were harmless can suprise you. A guy that used to harass me was consistently ignored/brushed off, and then went on to sexually assault my sister. Stalking is not a light matter.


#12

Take a camera or camera phone or video camera with you everywhere.


#13

This is the part that looks most like a red flag to me. He was up to this kind of odd behavior even before he had received the blow of being broken up with? That’s not a good sign.

I hope you’ll take all the above advice to heart. I can only echo it. I’ve been there, too.


#14

Change your phone number, change your email address. do not give your number/email address to anyone who will forward it to this person. Talk to your supervisor at work about changing your hours (staggering by an hour) or having security escort you to your vehicle. Take charge of the situation!


#15

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms, and without worrying about being polite, that you do not want to see him anymore. Something direct, along the lines of Go away, I never want to see you again.

Tell the same to your family, and inform them that you will not attend any party to which they invite him. When they invite him, they send him mixed messages, which will make it harder for him to take you seriously when you say you don’t want to see him. He should not be able to wheedle his way to you through your relatives, and your family needs to know this. Tell them he is stalking you, and they need to cut him off for YOUR safety.

Change your contact information, get someone at work (ideally a security guard, or at least a male coworker) to escort you to your car in the evening for your own safety. Tell your friends and coworkers about his behavior, so that they know. If something happens to you, they can inform police. It will also help them to protect you.

Call law enforcement and ask what is necessary to get a restraining order. If he gets to the point where he qualifies, get one, without heasitation. If he already qualifies, don’t wait. Get one now.

Whether you feel aftaid of him or not, take steps to protect yourself. Stalkers are unpredictable, and can become dangerous quickly.

If it really becomes necessary, you might even think about moving.


#16

that could be a dangerous situation. call the police if he keeps it up. don’t speak with him. be careful!!!


#17

I disagree about not speaking to him, and I arrest people for this sort of thing when it goes too far. I would recommend one more unequivocal statement from the original poster to this fellow. First, all reasonable doubt must be removed from his mind that the relationship may continue.

If he can’t get the message, then the police may have to make the point on her behalf. In most relationships like this, there was a point where the cloying devotion seemed cute or charming, before it could be properly identified. The guy could use some counseling, but that’s not her job. For now, all doubt has to be removed, so he can move on. If he doesn’t move on at that point, there are issues to resolve.


#18

HI THANKS PEOPLE!
I Went on a date last night with a coworker. It was not really a date. We just got a couple drinks after working late. And guess who showed up? Yes it was him! Jason, the ex, told my colleague to take a hike and he told him to stay away from his fiance. He still believes we are together. He thinks we just had a fight. What a moonstruck chap. Believe you me, we may have to call the police if this man does try some chinanigans. I did talk to him for bout an hour last night on the phone. I do believe I convinced him that we were not “together”. It was so sad, I had to tell him that we cant be friends for a while, not till we can get it together without eachother.
Thanks for the ideas!


#19

An hour? That’s way longer than what’s appropriate. Plus you gave him reason to believe you could get back together someday???

Don’t be surprised if he keeps following you.


#20

This doesn’t sound good to me I will pray for the protection of St. Michael for you. I don’t know if I would call him a friend as he is trying to control you and who you see, a stalker is not in love it is more like a predator waiting to pounce. He acts like he owns you. dessert


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