Being to physical in engament


#1

+JMJ

Ok I needs some help. I do not know what to do I feel my fiance and I are being more physical than I like at times it has been extreemly hard to keep both of our virtues in tackt. And I do not know what to do. We want to spend time with eachother alone but sometimes things get out of hand. But we also do not want to spend every waking minute we are together with someone around. Am so confused any advice is much appriciated.


#2

You have to identify what makes you struggle. Perhaps you could be alone together, but not in a room that contains a bed or comfy couch? Does french kissing tempt you? Does having a certain body part touched (some innocuous things can be really sensitive, I know!) cause you to struggle? If so, AVOID THESE THINGS! Above all, try to remember that this waiting period will be SO SHORT! compared to how long you will have after your wedding day. Is 7 months of careful restrictions really that bad compared to a the lifetime of intimacy you will experience after you’re married? Don’t forget to pray. Perhaps you could set time limits on being alone? Or have someone who will poke their head in every once in awhile? Then you can be alone, and yet supervised at the same time.
Only 7 more months, you can do this! :thumbsup:


#3

I’m sure you’re not the first couple to have this temptation (I speak from experience). First, you must learn to love his sould more than his body and second, spend a lot of time in public (all would be good in fact). You can have serious talks and really get to know him better with 100s of people around. Basically you can be alone public. Inappropriate behavior is much harder with all those people around to see it (or at least it should be :blush: )! In reality, you are probably saying that you don’t want to spend all of your time with someone else because you do want to be physical. At this point you need to go back to my “first” suggestion.:wink:

My husband and I spent lots of our engagement in the park, out to eat, at the movies, with friends, etc. You’ll have plenty of time for the physical after you are married. You need to remember that the engagement is short - purgatory is much longer!


#4

It may help to have a more complete understanding of the Churchs stance on human sexuality. I recommend “Naked without shame” by Christopher West, and many of his other works (Good News about Sex and Marriage" is ok as a starter, but there’s so much more to it). Also, if you are up to it, “Theology of the Body” JPII – the source of a lot of Christopher West’s work. As other’s mentioned, if you can’t remain pure when you are alone, AVOID THE SITUATION. I’ve been there and though we were able to stop after much effort, I will always regret not doing so sooner.

God bless,k


#5

Okay, I havn’t read the other replies, so sorry if it’s a repeat, but your choices are to

  1. spend less time alone
  2. spend your alone time in public places
  3. bump up your wedding date

Been there, done that. relationships have a natural physical progression. once that ball starts rolling it is very hard to stop it… Belive me, you will regret these things after you are married. Try to pray together & receive the sacraments of Confession & Holy Communion frequently. I’ll be praying for you


#6

Simple, do not engage in romantic behavior until your married. those are called boundaries. If your finding it difficult, then maybe you need to spend some time apart. personal space its called. Be together in public, and not alone. you don’t have to spend every waking moment together just because your engaged.

You need to have a discussion with him, and go over the boundaries together. If he respects you, he will comply. I think you should wait until marriage before you engage in any kind of romantic behavior.

also, pray as well. you can also talk to your priest about it as well as a couple.


#7

I do not know if my point of view will be seen as constructive, but I’ll try.

Of course the anxiety of upcoming marriage is intense! We feel it, and we aren’t Catholic or Christian, or even theists. But we do know very well the wonder of knowing and loving each other intellectually and emotionally, without physicality as a necessity, since we did that for years. Of course, once we kissed (the shock of it!), well, we knew it was for life.

We had already been over all our understanding, of politics, religion, finances, children, and so much else, in depth and detail…but abstractly, since we had not consciously acknowledged our physical love, nor felt any need to then. Once we knew our intentions, we have gone over those issues again and again, at exhaustive length, since we want the best for our future and our potential children.

But yes, as Catholics, you are supposed to wait and keep chaste. What I mean to say is, it is no small sacrifice, yet if you can keep to it, the benefits can be so worthwhile. I can’t speak as to anything like ‘eternal bliss after death’ or any of that, but please do take this time to know each other, to the very depths and heights of your being. It is not only correct by your faith, but wonderful fun, if you’re doing it right! :wink:


#8

Talk to each other about this. Don’t let thoughts go unspoken. It’s time to learn how to truly communicate as a couple.

We struggled with chastity before marriage as well, sadly enough. But early on during our engagement we had a long conversation and decided to go to confession and to STOP any intimacy (beyond kissing) until our wedding night. We weren’t perfect, but we decided to “start over”, as it were.
Naturally, God had a sense of humor and decided to plant our wedding night right in the middle of my fertile time (we had decided to avoid pregnancy at first using NFP), so our wedding night wasn’t that eventful! :rolleyes: :smiley:
But none the less, when the time was right after our wedding… we were really glad we had decided to wait.

This is common for couples to struggle with. You’re drawn together in love, so obviously you want to show that love. You don’t have long to wait. TALK about this with your fiance and try to “start over”… it’s worth it!


#9

My husband and I prayed when things got heated… And then we went to confession together. We found that being alone was not the only problem, we were both secretly very worried that each other would be like our ex-spouses, so we were curious and pushed things a little far sometimes. But, thankfully, we kept our heads and our promise to wait until we were married. Our wedding night was totally awesome because of it!!!


#10

That was awesome, thanks for sharing, I think that this was great advice.

I think that this communication can help to strengthen your relationship in the future, especially once you practice NFP in your marriage.


#11

When my wife and I had this problem we just started spending very little time together alone. I didn’t much care for the idea at first, but if anything had happened we would have had to confess it and she would not have been allowed to wear a white dress. So like it or not it was not something I would have ever been willing to take from her. Acutally, it turned out to be a great time. I got to know her family a lot better, the Arabic lessons I started doing with her family got to be, and still are, something I look forward to every week. She got to got to know my mother and hocky buddies better. We both had a lot of fun doing things with other people, and would have missed out if we continued to just have dates to ourselves.


#12

This is awsome! Thank you so much for the wonderful advice and will defantly do what most of you have said that way we can have a most pure marriage in the site of God. :thumbsup:


#13

I wanted to say that it is truly a blessing that you are even thinking about this and trying to do everything in your power to make your marriage a sacrament shared with God.

Check out “The Good News About Sex and Marraige” by Christopher West. It is an easy read and a great read. :thumbsup:


#14

I totally understand what you are going through. My husband and I will be married four years this August and engaged for two years, dated three years prior to getting engaged. It got harder after the engagement. Actually, it wasn’t as hard while we were just courting. We wanted to follow the Church’s teachings and stayed virgins till our wedding night, but it wasn’t easy. Some of the things my husband and I did if things got to be too much was one of us would stop and we’d pray. I’d also have my sister around as a chaperone.


#15

This is good training for you to find ways to distract yourself for the times during marriage when intimacy is not possible for one reason or other. Now is your chance to prove your self control and chastity to each other. That will only build trust for later. Good for you! :thumbsup:

As a rule of thumb, any activity that requires you to move, remove, unbutton, unzip, slide, go under or lift any article of clothing or touch any area of your body normally covered by a swimsuit should be avoided.

Once you find you’re starting to do that, time to change the music and go do something else.
Otherwise you could be releasing the brakes on a runaway train. :eek:


#16

I know Christopher West is all the rage right now, but I suggest Alice Von Hildrebrand instead. Or John Paul II as well. That being said my DH and I struggled with this too, although not as much as for most of our engagement he lived 7 hours away.

We prayed, chaplet of Divine Mercy works wonders. Also for us we learned to snuggle instead of kissing for hours:)


#17

Ahh yes - I remember the days when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It seems like only yesterday…(married 25 years).

7 months - no sweat - You can respect each other and build a caring, loving, and deep relationship by getting to know each other better, learning your interests, and sharing your faith as much as possible.

That is really the part of the journey that builds that everlasting love that gets you through the hard times that may come. The physical is great and necessary, the spiritual and compatibility is the key to the long term happiness.

Have fun, keep it polite, purity and chaste, and you will be rewarded in the richness of your marriage. God Bless you both.


#18

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