Best friend gay


#1

Hi everyone,

Not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post this. I have a dilemma. My best friend of over 10 years has recently told me that she plans on dating. I have always known she was gay, however, over the years I had thought she would never get involved with anyone even though she has had a relationship in the past, only telling me when it was over. I guess it was a great deal of naivety on my part that led me to think she would be single forever.

She and I and our other mutual friends have talked about how I feel ad nauseum about my position is regarding this, so when she told me and I reacted the way I did, she was shocked and upset thinking that over the years perhaps I had changed my position. I told her I hadn't and never will.

She has been talking to this girl for quite a while now. They have never met in person but Skype a lot. She will be visiting from overseas in a couple of weeks and staying with my friend. I told my friend I did not want to meet her until I absolutely had to (a long time from now) and didn't know how I could hang around them when I knew that what they were doing was wrong. The problem is our friends when they find out are going to take her side and come down hard on me with their anger and condescension. My friend wants to know why I feel this way towards her relationship when I know that my other friends do things like cohabitation and fornicating and I haven't said anything to them. She had a point so I told her the only reason I said something to her was because she was the closest to me and I felt comfortable telling her things I would only tell my sister. I also tried to explain that homosexual dating was a state of perpetual sin until the relationship came to an end.

I think I have overreacted and lectured her like a child, or like I would do my family members. She messaged me today saying she feels like **** and needs to talk to someone as I had told her not to tell anyone about our conversation as I'm not ready to deal with our other friends. I messaged her back telling her I overreacted. I dont know what to do from here. I dont want to appear to be supporting of her relationship but I also dont want to lose all my friends. I only have a handful of friends and like I said they are all going to side against my position. Please tell me what to do?


#2

it depends on what you mean by “over react”. It is good that you reiterated that you still do not approve her lifestyle. However, I personally don’t think you needed to react so strongly against meeting her “friend”, at least on a casual basis. You love your friend, and you can continue to be her friend, even if she is living a way you do not approve of. Are such relationships more difficult? Yes. Often, our friends will leave. But not all the time. You do not need to approve of her relationship to act kindly and with love to her “friend”.

If it were me, I would tell my friend that I am still a Catholic, and I can’t approve of her actively engaging in homosexuality, but I still love her. One thing that I think is important when dealing with very close friends living in sin is that they understand our disaproval is not judgement. Many evangelicals will tell sinning friends that they’re “going to hell,” so your friend might assume you think she’s going to hell. Make it clear that you are not judging HER, nor her “friend”, nor what kind of a person she is, but merely her action.

Additionally, if it were me, I wouldn’t have had issue casually meeting her friend, so long as said “friend” knew what my stance was. I would be ok forming a friendship with her, if she was open to it, or remaining cordial, if she was not.

I think MANY of us are afraid of toeing that line with loved ones. We do not want to approve their lifestyle, but we don’t want to loose them as friends. From a Christian point of view, this is possible if we are careful, and act with love.

Also, be wary of saying thigns like “perpetual sin”. While we can say what she is doing is grave matter, it is ones knowledge and will that determine sin. Let’s not forget that there are even many Christian churches that teach homosexuality is not a sin, and children brought up in those churches will grow up to think in full trust that active homosexuality is fine. Woe to those who taught them that, but mercy to those who believe it in innocence. My point is, even if it looks blatantly willful and sinful to us, grave matter doesn’t always equal willful sin. Only God knows her exact heart


#3

Sometimes we have to let our friends be what they are, without projecting our attitudes onto them. If your friend is asking you for spiritual guidance, then of course you should say what you believe. Remember that, while our faith does not accept that lifestyle, it also does not condemn others, as we know it is not for us to judge. That is for God alone. If she is asking you to validate her decision, then of course you cannot do that, in good conscience. You will still love her and be her friend, even though you cannot condone what she is doing. Ask her not to ask you to do that. You also do not want to betray her confidence in any way, and you need to assure her that you will not pass any information to others.

Remember to pray for her! That is probably the best you can do.


#4

[quote="mia2klm, post:3, topic:337595"]
Sometimes we have to let our friends be what they are, without projecting our attitudes onto them. If your friend is asking you for spiritual guidance, then of course you should say what you believe. Remember that, while our faith does not accept that lifestyle, it also does not condemn others, as we know it is not for us to judge. That is for God alone. If she is asking you to validate her decision, then of course you cannot do that, in good conscience. You will still love her and be her friend, even though you cannot condone what she is doing. Ask her not to ask you to do that. You also do not want to betray her confidence in any way, and you need to assure her that you will not pass any information to others.

Remember to pray for her! That is probably the best you can do.

[/quote]

That is a very good answer. One answer that cover the whole problem. Follow that and you can't do wrong.


#5

Be polite with her. You can refer to her girlfriend AS her girlfriend (unlike the poster a few posts above me), you can meet with her girlfriend, etc. As long as your friend knows you oppose her relationship on the grounds that you don’t like seeing her in sin, but that, as stated above, you don’t judge her character based on this, I think she’ll be fine. I have a lot of LGBT friends who know my position, and while I met them while an active lesbian (now celibate) before converting, it still is a big deal. However, I haven’t lost any of them or any of our mutual friends because they know I don’t see them as bad people, just people in states of sin. I think that making that differentiation helps out a lot. Let her know you know she doesn’t have sinful inclinations, and although you can’t approve of her relationship, you don’t want her to feel like she can never discuss anything with you because of it.

Trust me, you can listen to her when she has relationship problems (or when she’s first starting out). You can talk her through them. You only cannot condone the relationship in the first place or encourage her to stay in it.


#6

[quote="mia2klm, post:3, topic:337595"]
Sometimes we have to let our friends be what they are, without projecting our attitudes onto them. If your friend is asking you for spiritual guidance, then of course you should say what you believe. Remember that, while our faith does not accept that lifestyle, it also does not condemn others, as we know it is not for us to judge. That is for God alone. If she is asking you to validate her decision, then of course you cannot do that, in good conscience. You will still love her and be her friend, even though you cannot condone what she is doing. Ask her not to ask you to do that. You also do not want to betray her confidence in any way, and you need to assure her that you will not pass any information to others.

Remember to pray for her! That is probably the best you can do.

[/quote]

Yes, this is good advice. Would you have the same reaction if you had a friend that decided to move in with her boyfriend? The world is pulling people in the wrong direction. The best that we can do is love them, tell them what is right, be good examples, but don't abandon them.


#7

I understand how you feel, but I offer a tiny word of warning based on personal experience. I am a married Catholic woman and we have 5 children. When our youngest daughter was in her teens, we found out that she was gay. We were devastated and I think I took it even harder than my husband--if possible. I reacted by basically not speaking to her for several years. I think that I felt that if I came down on her hard enough that she would rethink and change her mind. Oh if it were only that simple! Did my daughter change? Not only no, but awhile ago she informed me that she and her female "fiance" are planning their wedding. When Pope Francis became pope, I was reading some of his sermons. In one such sermon, he pointed out that as charitable Christians, we should look for the good in every person. He even specifically used the example of praising a gay couple who ran, I think, a coffee stand for being hard workers. You can always find good in a person if you truly look for the good instead of focusing only on the evil. I began to rethink my position and ultimately wrote my daughter a long letter. In it I stated my Catholic belief that her being an actively practicing lesbian was against nearly everything that I held sacred. I told her that her father and I could not and would not attend her "wedding"--but that this didn't mean that I didn't love her as my dear child and respect her as a human being. I told her that I had decided that I was wrong and had sinned by shunning her--especially since it was God's place, not mine to stand as her judge--though I reminded her that ultimately it would be God that she answered to. The fact is that she is my beloved daughter--just as your friend is a beloved friend. I wouldn't be able to stop loving my child if she shot a 7-11 clerk in the head at close range while robbing him--though I would be devastated in that scenario too. So why should I act like I was capable of turning away from her--since it is patently untrue? Since that letter, she and I are working at rebuilding our relationship. We now talk--though we basically agreed to disagree and she no longer makes a big point of rubbing my nose (as I call it) in the fact that she thinks her sexual orientation is just fine and that I am behind the times--and I don't tell her that she's going to hell in a hand basket every time we talk! You cannot change your friend. Infact, it may well be that homosexuality really is NOT a choice made, but rather a part of some people's built in genetics. The sin is in having sexual relations outside of marriage--and in her case, in a relationship that will never be open to new life and that doesn't fulfill God's plan of 2 becoming 1 in the correct sense of the words. I pray for her many times every day. I also joined a Catholic online support group for friends and family of those who suffer with, what they refer to as "SSA" or "Same Sex Attraction". It's a very helpful group--everyone there is in the same boat as you and either have a good friend or family member that is homosexual. These folks who share the same trench you and I are in often have real gems of wisdom on how to handle issues that come up in a positive way but in a way that doesn't compromise your beliefs or those of our faith. They don't promote trying to re-orient homosexuals into heterosexuality--as frankly, it seldom works. They are enormously supportive, however. The group is called "ENCOURAGE". If you plug that into your search engine, it will pop up right away. Has my daughter changed? Sadly, no--though she hasn't married anyone yet and for that tiny gift at least for the time being, I thank God. Will she? I guess that will be up to God to decide. As to your other friends coming down on you for not being supportive of your gay friend, I simply wouldn't get into it with them. We live in a society that almost praises the gay lifestyle--and that is just the sad truth. I would tell them ONE TIME (and only once) that if they want you to respect their liberal beliefs that they have to respect your Christian beliefs as well. You may not change any of their minds, but you shouldn't have to put up with them harassing you either! If they really are your friends, they will be as accepting of your beliefs as they are of your homosexual friend's beliefs. And above all, pray, pray, PRAY!!


#8

Starrsmother, I can sympathize with you. Ten years ago, we were upset with our daughter for living with her boyfriend, and there was a rift that broke our hearts. Eventually, she came to see we were right about this man, he hurt her emotionally, and we welcomed her home with her little son. Love and empathy are so important, even when we don't approve.


#9

Thank you, Lasting faith.


#10

Thanks everyone for your replies, they have made me understand that I am coming across and too pushy and judgmental even though that is not what is in my heart at all. I just want to keep her from harm.

CorieDreams - by overreact I told her I didn’t know how much I would be seeing her in the future because I didn’t think I could stomach being around her when her partner was around. This kind of behavior is typical of me unfortunately. I sometimes react without analyzing things and I don’t hold back on how I feel. In other words I can be a bit tactless.
The thing is meeting the friend won’t be on a casual basis. I spend a lot of time with my friends (meaning at least once a week if not more), apart from my family they’re the only friends I have. Even if I was to spend time with the others, this friend would be there with her partner.

I have since talked to her and told her I overreacted and that I would continue seeing her regularly but have said that I would hang out the condition that the relationship is brought up as seldom as possible. By that I meant that they should refrain from going on about how good gay relationships are. Perhaps I was wrong ask this of them? At any rate she thinks it is crazy. I feel that if the other friends praise gay relationships, I am going to have to tell them how it is not and it will just become hostile unless I am to keep my mouth closed. Is this what I should do? Should I let them praise gay relationships and keep quiet, or retaliate whenever it comes up and risk sounding preachy and insufferable?

Starrsmother - I do see the good in her all the time. It is probably because of this that I have been more hurt because I care for her more than the others. I won’t continue telling her that she is making a mistake because I don’t want to harass her. As to how I would react had it been a couple cohabitation, my reactions depend on the person concerned. If it was my sister I would spare no words to let her know how I felt and that her behavior would not be tolerated, with a friend no matter how close they are there is a boundary. Unfortunately she is also not a Christian so I can’t appeal to her on that front. The philosophy she follows herself says that any sex for reasons other than reproduction are wrong. She doesn’t believe that, she only says that she knows what she feels and she will act on that because it’s a good feeling.

In the meantime, she has asked me questions on how I believe what I do, when the bible is so contradictory. I will try and encourage her to ask these questions and hopefully seeds will be planted.

Hopefully I have not rambled. I had made an appointment to speak about this to my priest, I am thinking I should cancel because I don’t want to waste his time if it’s not that big of a deal. What do you think?


#11

[quote="browser1, post:10, topic:337595"]
Hopefully I have not rambled. I had made an appointment to speak about this to my priest, I am thinking I should cancel because I don't want to waste his time if it's not that big of a deal. What do you think?

[/quote]

Keep the appointment with the priest. He'll be able to coach you much better than we on the Internet can. However, remember that she is only telling you about her relationship because she wants you to stay close to her. She is not meaning any ill will. As I said, you can listen to her talk about her relationship and stay morally clean. Just don't encourage her. She knows your position on the issue; there's nothing more you need to do except make sure you aren't promoting the relationship. There is no need to sacrifice your friendship over her sinning. Otherwise we probably wouldn't have any friends :o.


#12

TBH, gay people for the most part aren’t obsessed with being gay any more than we are with being straight. When my man and I hang out with other people, we don’t talk about our relationship unless asked. We talk about what we do togethe,r movies we’ve seen, what we’ve been up to, but don’t assume all your homosexual friends want to do is talk about being homosexual! If it were me, I wouldn’t put such a harsh wall there. Your friend has a right to share her emotions and day with her close friends. I have friends who cohabitate, nd they know I don’t approve, but that’s it. THey don’t go on and on about how great living together is first. And you’re not required to preach to them or about them every time they bring it up. Say your peice once. Any more than that, and, forgive me, you’re just looking like a butt :blush:


#13

I think I'd go ahead and talk to my priest if I were you--I doubt that he'd think you were wasting his time. At least for me, sometimes it's just really refreshing to talk to someone who reinforces your Christian values. The world around me is pretty much the same as you describe the world that you share with your friends. It's nearly impossible for me to find anyone who isn't sympathetic to someone like my daughter being gay. I live in a small town and most of her high school companions still live here. My daughter had many friends in school who still like her a lot and see her as unique, colorful, outgoing and brave. My daughter is every one of those things--and far more. BUT, she is also living in sin--and a particularly heinous sin at that. Every one of her "friends" think that my daughter is just perfectly fine being gay and that I'm the crazy, zealot--the over-religious mom who needs to get a life. (sigh...) I used to look in the mirror sometimes and wonder who was crazy and who was right--because nobody but me seemed to see any problem with homosexuality. Sometimes the only person who listens to my heart bleed and understands my fears and sadness beside my husband IS my priest in confession. He reminds me that I am not her "friend"--I am her mother and that her friends aren't necessarilly acting like friends because it isn't their souls in jeopardy--it's my daughter's! Her friends have no real skin in the game, so to speak--but as her mom, I do.You sound like you are a young person. I'm an older woman of 62. Reading your posts renews my hope for the young people of today--that maybe there are enough like you out there that over the next generation the insanity in our society can be reduced. Please hang in there. Your friends who are pushing you to put your stamp of approval on your gay friend's relationship are the ones wrong--not you! You should be able to be friends with someone without having to listen to every detail of their personal sex life or watching them make love right before your eyes--am I correct? Have you ever noticed that people in homosexual relations--and those that think such relationships are okay--are the ones who insist on flaunting it in your face? It would NEVER occur to me--even when I was young back in the 60's---to walk up to a group of friends in a restaurant and describe my sexual relationship with my partner (my husband) or to make out with him or for us to exhibit overtly sexual behavior. AND, remember, I was young back in the 60's when all the "free love" stuff started!. But, have you noticed how it's just the opposite with most gays? This behavior and versions of it are what initially caused the line in the sand to be drawn between my daughter and I, and is the one concession that I won and that allowed she and I to try to work on our relationship again. Remember one thing and I'll be quiet and not lecture you (LOL!)--YOU are NOT the one who is wrong, crazy, mean spirited or judgmental. God put you in your friend's life for a reason though--and that reason may be so that she has at least one person in her life who isn't buying whatever our current society is selling and who will be a living reminder to her of how a Christian should live life. Imagine if you weren't there. Would anyone in your circle of friends reject her homosexual behavior to her face? Always be "classy" (I don't know of a better way to put it) in dealing with her. Talk to your priest and decide just how much of her same sex talk and public behavior you can tolerate without feeling that your values are compromised. If she--or your other friends--go past that, get up and leave. Remember that Jesus stood up to the society of his time If young people like yourself throw in the towel on things like same sex relationships, picture the world that YOUR future kids will live in. Good luck, dear. I'll pray for you--and please offer a prayer for me--and especially for my little girl. She will always be my little girl to me and her dad---. :o


#14

Aww, Starrsmother, your story made me teary. I definitely needed someone to tell me I wasn't being hateful. I have just finished a group argument about gay marriage. Not with my gay friend, she always stays out of it. I think she is actually more tolerant than the others.

One of them made a comment on how being gay (practicing and marriage) was good. I called it out and they accused me of being discriminatory against gay marriage. They couldn't understand how you can condemn sin without being discriminatory. Then (after an hour or more of debate) when I said if they couldn't understand then I couldn't help them, they said it was my stubborn behaviour that kept me from making them understand. Also they said I should justify my position, and not say 'because the bible says so'. I told them to justify their position to me and not say 'because it is a feeling and personal opinion'. I don't give a tinker's damn about personal opinions to make an argument. They were pretty sarcastic throughout it all making 'lol' comments wherever I mentioned 'sin'. The only thing they want is for me to change my opinion or silence myself, but I'm not the type of person to stay silent. I've come to the conclusion if they want to speak these things when I'm around, then they must be prepared to be offended, after all Jesus offended people with his views.

I'm sorry about your daughter. I have said a prayer for you all. It is harder when it's your own family. You are right about her friends, they only care for her temporal happiness. You care for her eternal happiness.

I'm relatively young. It shows in my behaviour I guess. I'm a 28yo female, I pretty much stand alone on this issue among people of my age. I don't have any Catholic or other Christians friends so I haven't come across anyone who believes what I do. I believe that eventually this will become normal and marriage will be legalised. The only thing we can do is take a cue from St Monica. Exactly what you are doing, and pray.

I will be seeing the priest soon. Hopefully it will give me some peace of mind, although hearing from all of you already has, so thank you.


#15

So I went and talked with the priest. He basically stated all the things that you’ll have said but one more thing which surprised and confused me.

He told me it was ok to be romantically love one another as long as they remain chaste. He used an example saying that there was a nun that loved one of the priests and they wrote love letters to each other, but they were Christian love letters. I’m not sure what he meant and it left me conflicted because he is the authority but I thought a even a romantic relationship was illicit. Another ex he used was a man falling in love with another mans wife. He said you cant help who you fall for but you must respect the other person and understand that she is already married.

I think I will leave out this part when I tell her what he said. What do you guys think?


#16

[quote="browser1, post:15, topic:337595"]
So I went and talked with the priest. He basically stated all the things that you'll have said but one more thing which surprised and confused me.

He told me it was ok to be romantically love one another as long as they remain chaste. He used an example saying that there was a nun that loved one of the priests and they wrote love letters to each other, but they were Christian love letters. I'm not sure what he meant and it left me conflicted because he is the authority but I thought a even a romantic relationship was illicit. Another ex he used was a man falling in love with another mans wife. He said you cant help who you fall for but you must respect the other person and understand that she is already married.

I think I will leave out this part when I tell her what he said. What do you guys think?

[/quote]

Well, it is true that it is not illicit to LOVE someone, even romantically. I don't understand the "love letter" part, though, because I'd imagine that would lead to self-encouragement of homosexual thoughts, which would be a sin. It's one thing to fall in love with someone; it's quite another to encourage yourself to remain in love with someone.


#17

Wow! I'm as surprised by what your priest said as you are! I thought priests and nuns essentially considered themselves married to the church/Christ! Then again, perhaps he was saying that they could love each other as Christ loves each of us--but if he did say romantic love, I might seriously consider asking another priest for feedback. And I agree--I probably wouldn't share this part with your gay friend-- WOW!!!:eek:


#18

Do nothing but love her and accept her as she is…it is the role of God, Christ and The Holy Spirit to transform others. It is not your job to do this or to judge another…your role is to love others as they are and not how you think they shoud be. Love is never conditional, at least real love is not.


#19

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.