Best qualities in a spouse?


#1

So, ladies and gents, what are you looking for and why?


#2

I would like to see a man who is:
clean but not artificial
principled but not legalistic or rigid
kind
sensible
witty and appreciative of wit
kind to children but not one to spoil them
responsible and willing to do the hard work, not just the fun stuff (leave me some fun stuff to do).
financially an asset to the household but need not be rich at all.
in shape but not single-minded about it.
I would never want to be with one who was:
slick
controlling
unfaithful
rude
dirty-minded
careless about money or anything else that affects others
mean to anyone
jealous
irrational
demanding
shallow
hateful
an addict.
But I really am not planning on marrying as long experience has taught me that one of the main things I want in a man is extremely rare in men.


#3

Well, I’m not Catholic so I didn’t pick the “faithful to the Church” options. Although they’re an added bonus in my husband-to-be, they weren’t a deal-breaker.

The thing that attracted me to my boyfriend was his sense of responsibility toward his family and community. I love that about him. He sends money to his grandmother every month. He helps out his sister whose husband left her.

Common interests are important too, in a general way. I couldn’t really see being married to someone who liked lace doilies decorating the house when I’m a brightly-coloured silk wall hangings kind of girl. When we started dating, I had broken my arm and was having trouble unpacking after a move. My boyfriend came over and just started hanging pictures, displaying knick-knacks, and setting the house up exactly the way I would have. Having tastes (in food, music, fashion, style, whatever) that weren’t compatible to my own wouldn’t be an outright deal breaker, but they’d irritate me to no end, and they’d probably result in a breakup.

Ability to support a family, and a willingness to have one, are important. I’ve always wanted four kids. I want a man who thinks that four is a reasonable number. My boyfriend grew up with seven siblings, so four isn’t out of the ballpark for him. (He’d prefer three, but a one-kid difference is something we can work out. I can suggest six, he can say three, and we’ll settle on four, right? :smiley: Probably doesn’t work like that.)

Kindness? Well, duh. Of course I want that. What I like about my boyfriend is that he helps out his friends. When he only has $100, if a friend asks to borrow $200, my boyfriend will lend him all he has and apologize for not having more. It works both ways - his friends help him out like this. He’s sweet, he’s funny, he gets along well with men and women, he’s the guy breaking up arguments peacefully… Yeah, that’s what I want.

Intelligence? Yep. In this case it doesn’t mean higher education, but just being smart, having stuff to say, constantly thinking, that kind of stuff.

A big thing for me, that wasn’t on the list, is future plans. That’s a deal breaker for me - someone whose plans aren’t compatible with mine. I’ve met guys whose plans have been, “I’m going to stay making ends meet in a job I hate, rather than risk a change.” I’m not saying that’s not good, but it’s not good for me. I want a guy who will take risks, and reach for what he wants. I want a guy who will take a day off work to hang out with the kids, if he can. I want a guy who balances his own happiness with the needs of the family - not a slave to the family’s needs, but not selfishly pursuing his own good all the time either. The kind of guy who can go out for a beer with his friends after work without me being resentful because he doesn’t do enough for the family. The kind of guy whose friends think it’s cool to hang out in the backyard at a barbecue with the kids on a Saturday afternoon. Yeah, that’s the kind of guy I want. And I have him - just need to get the immigration papers in order and a ring on my finger.


#4

emotional maturity-emotional stability- not a roller-coaster ride

not having to have a reason to love, just loving

not a phd but not ignorant, ignorance is not an excuse for bad behavior

common interests -
not materialistic, believes that crosses exist and hard times are an event where our faith and perserverence are tested in order that we may grow toward Christ

compassion for others not for show or selfish
intentions

altruistic

zeal for life through faith

content-seeking joy and peace not thrills

a deer just ran into the side of my house, strange, a big bang and thud


#5

This is the first time I’ve created a poll, and somehow managed to mess up the original post. So here it is:

I’ve been on a couple of Catholic singles’ websites this year, and I’ve become discouraged and cynical from the experience.

Several 40-something, never-been-married men want nothing less than a virgin.

Another 40-something, never-been-married man won’t consider a woman with kids because a child might interfere with his intended free-for-all indulgence in the marital embrace he wants after marriage. (I didn’t really want to be an object anyway :shrug: )

A whole host of men don’t write back, so who knows?

And then there’s the men who are “no’s” from my perspective because they’re not eligible for sacramental marriage or they’re at the same maturity level as my four-year-old. (One actually threw a tantrum, yelling and crying, and hung up on me.)

I’m intelligent, fun, kind, faithful to the Church (a revert toward the end of my civil marriage), and relatively attractive.

How is it so hard for two people to connect on their list of what they want? Or is this just a matter of my being 40 years old? My confessor counseled me to get married, but I’m really done with the “shopping” mentality of the online thing.

God bless y’all.

Gertie (not my real name, but I like it :smiley: )


#6

Goodness, I hope everything’s all right.


#7

Strong in their Catholic Faith and spiritually deep
Truly kind person
Intelligent
A good father
Open
Strong
Able to be introspective
Not afraid to lead
Not afraid to listen
Appreciates the things I do for him
Physically affectionate
Likes to have fun, joke around
Likes to do some of the things I like to do (cooking, gardening, camping, hiking, music, etc.)
Will trust me with his true feelings, and is safe to share mine with
Interesting, not run of the mill
Someone that I can count on, forever, no matter how hard things are
Calm, laid back, takes things in stride
Takes the time to know, understand, and appreciate who I am


#8

I don’t get the “never been married, even if he/she has a decree of nullity?” A person with a degree of nullity was not married.

Could you please explain that one?

Thanks,

Andy


#9

sense of humor…
I cannot tell you how many nights my husband and I have laid awake and laughing till we cried in bed. He’s the best!


#10

Here’s more:

An open heart, no secrets, no lies, no skeletons.
Founded in reality.
Full, overflowing, with faith, hope and love.
A loving mother, able to give care, order and meaning to our children’s lives.
Not controled by her mother or family.
Honor.
Dignity.
Accepts responsibility for her actions.
Someone i am attracted to, fit, can keep up with me running (inside joke).
Will look me in the eye, the eyes are the window to the soul.


#11

I would prefer someone who was Catholic and of course, he must be eligible to receive the Sacrament. Here are my others:

Complete honesty and openness
A kind, caring, sensitive soul
Someone who’s passionate in every way
Someone who’s intelligent
Someone who loves kids
Someone with similar interests and passions as I have: books, music, ethnic cooking, politics, their faith, culture (I’m passionate about my own Italian culture and love it when someone is passionate about their own culture), family, and intellect in general.
Someone who wants to make a change
Someone who’s not afraid to be who they are
Someone who’s courageous
Someone who stands up for what he believes in.
Someone who’s real

That’s my dream guy:)


#12

I know that I have never been married, but I can’t tell you how many conservative Cathlics I’ve talked with who believe that vows made to a justice of the peace or before some goddess idol are valid and indissoluble. And many men on the Catholic single sites won’t even communicate with a woman who’s been “married” before, and they say so in their profiles. So I’m just asking if some people won’t consider someone who’s been “married” before, because some people won’t.

That’s what I mean. Thanks for asking.

Gertie


#13

Yeah, the whole, I only want to marry a virgin thing annoys me. Especially because it seems that some men think it’s their birthright while women have to be forgiving of a guy’s past (and we should be but so should they of ours). I’d be forgiving and I’d want a guy who’d be forgiving of all of my faults. As for the kids thing, that just really ticks me off. What does a man expect? If he’s in his forties and expects to marry a woman of similar age, it’s not unlikely for her to have kids. And depending on her fertility, unless they decide to adopt and are successful, they might be the only kids he’s getting.

Gertie, I’ll be praying for you and I’m shocked at the immaturity of some men. I know 20-year-olds who know better than that!


#14

I picked four good choices - Intelligent, strong Catholic faith, kind, compassionate, sense of humor…

and then I had one choice left over so I went with the big bankroll. I’ve lived with money - and without. With is more fun. :rolleyes:


#15

Gertie - Oh how I remeber those day of online “seeking” :rolleyes:
I can’t remember the number of times I just had to roll my eyes at someone on there and move on to the next. After a few years I finally met my now DH.
Now I could be wrong, although I do think there is one online dating site that has a Catholic addition (as well as others) I am conviced that they set up “dummy profiles”. Of people who don’t really exist, although they need more people on there to get more people to join. I also know for certain that that website also took a long while to take my profile down when I requested. So I won’t be concerned with the ones that don’t reply.
Best of luck!!


#16

I really like men with passion for catholic faith. Otherwise, I do really admire those with wisdom and those that desire wisdom.


#17

Since I’m all ready married, I answered what I hope for my children.

I want my dds to have the option to stay home (I hope they choose to) with kids, so a husband who can support his family is important to me. This is because I consider it one of the duties of a husband.

But, for my ds, I would hope for a wife who is faithful to her duties as a wife–primarily to make a nice home and to be a helpmate to her hubby.

However, I’ve all ready vowed that I won’t criticize or interfere with any of my future DIL if they choose to be working moms.

:slight_smile:


#18

And by being such a good mom, you are giving him the best example of what to look for in a wife. Chances are that he will pick someone who won’t criticize or interfere with his relationship with you…wouldn’t that be nice? :slight_smile:


#19

another poll where you only want to hear from singles, well, I kept my mouth shut for the first one, but hafta weigh in here in 40th year of marriage.

  1. does not snore
  2. plays only one sport each season
  3. spends no more than 10% of take-home pay on sports
  4. does not snore
  5. can reason from A to B to C as in:
    foot - sock - hamper
  6. does not snore
  7. will either do dishes or buy a dishwasher
  8. can read a shopping list written in standard English
  9. understands that work happens at the workplace, not at hope
  10. most important: grasps the concept that caring for your own children is parenting, NOT babysitting

#20

ok, puzzleannie, I am laughing at the doesn’t snore. My mom was down weekend before last. She spent the night on my son’s bunk bed. In the morning she commented that she slept so much better than she does at home, because my step dad’s snoring always wakes her up several times during the night. I was surprised that she had never gotten used to it. Although I do know that my grandma (my dad’s mom) ended up sleeping in a separate bedroom due to the snoring issue. So, I take it, it must be a legitimate concern.

Not sure how you would know what you are getting into. Both my stepfather and my grandfather claim to not snore.


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